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for The Rose Court

2/27/2009 c11 milady89
so do you intend to update or are you letting the story go? i hope that doesn't sound rudde i don't mean it to be.
8/25/2008 c11 4dancingwithinbrokendreams
UPDATE SOON! great chapter ^_^
8/23/2008 c10 milady89
is there more? i want to know what happens next.
3/29/2007 c10 dancingwithinbrokendreams
wow this is a great story! i love it and PLEASE UPDATE SOON!
12/6/2006 c10 21Erkith
Interesting... have absolutely no clue where you're going with this chapter, but interesting nonetheless.

Update soon.
11/15/2006 c9 Erkith
well damn me, nice ending to the chap, and very nicely set up. more soon?
11/12/2006 c8 Erkith
Where do you live so that uni is off? I'm in the middle of it now... I'm seriously envious!

Hope you get the chance to update soon, as I'm very much looking forward to more! :D

Best of luck!

~*Erkith*~
9/11/2006 c7 Erkith
Thanks for the update! If another one should mosey along this way I wouldn't be adverse... :D
8/26/2006 c6 Erkith
longer chappies PLEASE!

also, separating sections would clarify things...

I like the story but don't go all choppy on us! You can do better! I know you can!

Go forth and create! I'm really curious as to what's up your sleave.

~*Erkith*~
8/12/2006 c4 Erkith
evil! evil! gah! you must fix this!
8/11/2006 c3 Erkith
hmm... plots and puppies

I like Alyssa, she's cute and the comment about her mother being miffed was just funny!

Hope you update soon!
8/4/2006 c1 Bells
Hiya

Your brief summary really caught my attention since it made your story sound like your own story instead of a rehash of Anne Bishop's trilogy. I.e. I liked the thought that your main character would not be all powerful and would have to work and grow through her limitations. Always makes for a more interesting story.

As far as the first chapter went, it was alright. I did notice a few places where grammar could be improved however. I noticed that you tend to use a lot of commas. Ex: "She wore a deepest plum coloured dress, that fell in soft folds to the floor, the colour pleased her, it was almost but not quite black, a symbol of the darkness, mixed with the light." What you have here is actually two sentences. You should have a new sentence at "The colour please her, almost but not quite black..." But even then, you still have too many comma's. When reading a story, comma's indicate a small break. With the amount that you put in, it makes your sentence very choppy and hard to read. I'd advise to either break that whole section up into several sentences or try to figure out a way to make it flow smoother. You don't want to make too many small sentences either though, because that will give you the same effect. Choppiness.

You did the same thing with the word "and" in previous paragraphs. She did this, and this, and this, and this. Then she did this, and this, and this. Try to avoid putting more then one "and" per sentence. You should really only use the word "and" to link two ideas or actions. If you are trying to link more then two ideas or actions there is probably something wrong with your sentence or there is a better way to do it.

Other then a few things such as I pointed out, your grammar is pretty good and you didn't have very many spelling mistakes (which is always good ^_^). Actually, I think the only spelling mistake I saw was really more of a typo. Quite instead of quiet.

Now to a critic of your story.

A point of confusion: Queens in the Black Jewels Trilogy aren't crowned. The coronation of a Queen is something that takes place in our world. Its what makes them a Queen. In the trilogy, they are born Queens. Its like saying someone is tall, or skinny. They are queens from the moment they are born, and they aren't crowned to become queens.

Forming a court: Before a Queen can form a court, she has to have 10 willing males. Not sure what book its from, but it mentioned how one queen in Kaeleer had placed rings of obidience 9 males as a means of controlling them and using them to form a court since no males would willingly serve her. Along comes a Warlord Prince looking for his brother (one of the ringed males held by this queen) and he got so mad he killed the Queen. The whole point of this is that a Queen needs 10 warm male bodies that have agreed to serve her before she can even think of forming a court. So while your version is dramatic and leads to some interesting story line possibilities, its not technically accurate with the world of Black Jewels. Not saying you can't do it your way however. Lord knows this is fanfic and people can do whatever they want with it. ^_^ Just thought I'd point it out. And like I said, your way presents some interesting story plotlines.

There are a couple other things I could comment on, but I'll leave it there for now.

Cheers!

Bells
7/23/2006 c3 2Silver Sky17
Kitty!

You made a story with Briar! :P Very clever. It sounds great! Keep on going!

Satine.
7/11/2006 c1 Ravenn Wolf
Kitty! Yay for the story of Briar! I'll be keeping a close eye on this now...

Phoenix
6/28/2006 c1 Laura
It would be really nice if you finish this story - it's really interesting so far (with something new in it! yay!) and so few DJT stories are actually ever finished or updated. It makes me really sad.
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