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6/7/2017 c2 LightSpartan042
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO VERT
4/24/2016 c5 jalen.natoli
Hoping against hope that vert comes back, need to have some more paragraphs, apart from that you're not doing to bad
4/19/2016 c5 4Shads42
Forgive me if this is really long.

So, I'm going to start with the pros, because there are quite a lot of them. I like how you are starting all the way back at the World Race. That makes a lot of sense, especially regarding the character you "eliminated" (I have my doubts about him actually being dead). The concept of killing off one of the main characters is definitely inventive, and so far you are doing a pretty good job with it. Sanfred seems to be a pretty good character, although I think you should try to develop him a little bit more.

That being said, you really need to work in structure, pacing, and grammar. This section is going to be a bit longer, simply because it requires a lot of explanation.

I'll start with structure first. You really need to edit this story a lot. Right now there's a few big blocks of text in each chapter. For most people, myself included, that's going to be really difficult to read. There are going to be some people who will just give up on reading this story simply because of the way it is structured.

Also, you need to decide how you are going to convey spoken lines. Right now you have the following:

Kurt: "It's a little late for codenames now...They know what I've been doing. I'm through working for you."

You really don't need the colon and the quotation marks, one or the other will suffice. So you could either do this:

Kurt: It's a little late for codenames now...They know what I've been doing. I'm through working for you.

Or you could do this:

"It's a little late for codenames now..." Kurt said. "They know what I've been doing. I'm through working for you."

Personally, I prefer the second choice, since I tend to associate quotation marks with books and a character's name followed by a colon with plays and musicals. Either way, though, whenever a new person starts to speak, always put that on a new line. It will help your readers comprehend the fic more.

In terms of grammar, you need to pick one verb tense and stick with it. Since the story is told in the third person, I'd recommend sticking with the past tense when describing the actions taking place. Present tense is better suited when writing in the first person, and future tense is best reserved for characters talking about their plans. Likewise, I believe present tense verbs sound be limited to spoken lines, but if you can pull it off in other places, all the power to you.

Another thing I'd recommend is that you use more descriptive words. Like, maybe the Road Beasts' cars aren't just green and yellow; maybe they are as green as a leafy jungle and as yellow as a dried savannah. Figurative language -particularly similes and metaphors - are your best friends in these situations. Take some time to establish the manner in which the character is speaking. You could write this:

"It's a little late for codenames now..." Kurt said. "They know what I've been doing. I'm through working for you."

Which is a bit boring. Or you could write this:

"It's a little late for codenames now..." Kurt muttered sarcastically, an angry undetone to his voice. "They know what I've been doing. I'm through working for you."

See how the second one really gives you a sense of what's going on in Kurt's head at the moment? Even just substituting a different word in place of said will make a big impact. (If you want I can send a whole list of those words to you)

And just a side note, though it's not really a major problem, try not to overuse an ellipse (...) When you have one of those, you really want to make an impact. I'd recommend using them only when the character stops speaking due to uncertainty, sadness, or they stop to let another character fill in the blank for themselves. If someone interrupts a character, put a dash in the middle of a word, kind of like th-

And finally, it seems like you are forcing the action a little bit. I'd slow it down a bit, maybe break up a few chapters or spread the action out a little. In the document manager you can select a document for editing and add in these bars to separate parts of the story. I'd use those when there is a change of scenery or a time skip.

Overall, though, it's a good story. It's a nice piece of literature, I just think it needs to be cleaned up a little. I'd ask a few people to be beta readers for you, have them edit it a bit or something. Hope the review helps.
3/24/2016 c1 jalen.natoli
Depending on who dies/leaves/gets replaced this could be a very good fic, you've definitely watched the films a hell of a lot more than i have, keep up the good work

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