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18h c35 SmashBrosFan96 Jr
I had a feeling that Miyu was a spy. Hopefully things work out for both her and Giichi.
9/12 c35 NadaYNadie
So, this chapter explains a bit more about what Giichi is up to and confirms that Miyu is a spy. The big advantage in Giichi staying at the palace and the unpredictable danger that comes with it create a really interesting situation. Giichi getting more worried because Kula had something done to him he wouldn't have expected making the situation more unpredictable as well as Miyu's employers being able to get Giichi out of the palace but his life just not being that far up the priority list really drive home how much danger he might be in.
Giichi's character arc is a really well done one. Throughout the story he takes on a more proactive role, becomes more capable and more confident, better able to deal with adversity and danger and makes more right decisions and it happens in a gradual way that feels very natural.
Giichi 'talking' to Nail in his thoughts is also a very nice detail. I'm definitely looking forward to their reunion.

The contrast between Miyu playing her role and authentic Miyu is really well done too. She has very different demeanor, style and everything. Authentic Miyu is more like I'd have imagined her.

I'm wondering if Miyu mentioning Cerinians is a meaningful detail or not - as far as I remember all the Thaljistani referred to them as blue angels up until that point and I'm not sure if Giichi even knew what she was talking about, or Canma in an earlier chapter when Fox asked her about Cerinians. It only seemed noteworthy to me after I had finished reading the chapter though. Therefore I didn't pay much attention to if Miyu is definitely working for the Separatists or could be working for Corneria, or maybe it just says something about her past or it's nothing at all.

Lately I've been focusing only on each chapter individually when reviewing them which left some of my thoughts on the story as a whole unsaid.
All in all the first part of your story and the current one are quite different. This part has a lot more in-depth world-building, spends more time on purely character development and introduction based scenes and just generally has more fully fleshed out characters with their own goals or temporarily independent story-lines. While all the world-building and character development is very well done, the time spent on it makes this part of the story less streamlined, less focused on the main plot and therefore it also feels slower.
The first part revolved much more closely around the case and who would manage to steal it than this one does around Thal-Ja's Calling. Sure, there are several parties trying to get it but most of the time they don't seem to make much progress or do something only tangentially related. The first part was done in 17 chapters. This one has already more than that and it seems like it's still in the middle of the story. It feels like the plot has not made a whole lot of progress since Thal-Ja's Calling failed to work.
The scenes situated in the Lylat System have mostly been relaying world-building information, introducing characters, reminiscing Love Is Blind and setting up the relationships and conflicts between characters, but not much plot happened. Ever since Thal-Ja's Calling failed the Royalists didn't do much about it except for discovering that there's another staff with a gem which to them seems like a better alternative than going back to the Lylat System. Panther went through some character arc for quite a few chapters, but it was reversed in his most recent chapter which makes most of his earlier development feel meaningless. Of course I wouldn't know if his previous character arc actually becomes inconsequential by him doing a one-eighty, but currently it makes it feel like not a lot of actual progress happened in his story-line until he ended up in the training camp. Then there's Tadao, Ooveh, Keenan and Momo who are doing their own mostly unrelated things for their own reasons, although presumably all of them will affect the main plot in some way later on. Star Wolf got half a chapter just to say 'no' to Sable, even if it was a pretty fun half chapter. Until the two most recent chapters Giichi's story-line also was slow moving. The previous chapter definitely advanced the plot and had quite a lot of things happening though.
There wasn't a chapter I didn't enjoy and the world-building and character development are great, but there are quite a few chapters where only a few tiny things happen that actually advance the plot and it comes at the expense of pacing. In the first part of the story the character development wasn't as in-depth, or at least a lot fewer characters got as in-depth character development, but those that did appeared to have more profound or intense moments because less stuff was happening in between. The newer part of the story does quite a few things better than the first part, but there are other things it doesn't.
9/11 c35 4DeltaERB
"The name's Azer. Giichi Azer."

Ah, good to see Miyu back, and much better than just a servant. Puttin' some respect on her name! I do think she's a great fit as a spy, and I do love how she also has the internal battle of lying to so many people that she justifies it as just another person to string along. I also like her hesitance to kill, instead preferring to play it smart.

I also love the cave cities, damn is it a cool visual. The lights on the roof of the cave big enough to house skyscrapers, but also has those old-school markets and bazaars lining the streets in the poorer sections of the city.

Giichi's got a bit more of a bloodlust now, huh? I wonder why...

For some reason, I've got a feeling that Miyu's gonna become a Bond girl to Giichi (minus Bond's swagger and charm), and she also might get bumped off for being a spy. Really hope that last part is not true though lol.

Man, I really wanna see Giichi being the Speed King in his prime now. I could see that being a fun little one-shot.

Other than that, it's all going pretty well! Now time to watch a kid who's not a kid play super spy with actual consequences.
9/9 c35 12Elarix
Miyu is a lot of fun in this chapter - especially having to rein-in her tomboy personality to act all prim and proper.

Groundscrapers, lmao

I'm not surprised the Separatists would want to keep Giichi in the palace rather than free him right away; he's much more useful on the inside than the out, and this thing kinda sounds like his usual job anyway. After all, he did risk his life by infiltrating Star Wolf already.

...However, it *does* worry me that the Separatists don't give a fuck about their leader's own brother. Does that sentiment extend all the way up to Razir himself? Does Giichi know his brother doesn't care about him? At this point it seems that both his brother and sister just kinda use him as a tool for their own gains, and it looks like the Separatists might not be much better than the Royalists - Razir is only accepting of non-cats so he'll have a bigger army in his personal quest for power.

I sure hope the Royalists know what they're doing by hooking Giichi up to the Luru machine. Would be a rather head-ass move if Kula gave Giichi psychic powers knowing full-well he'd turn them against her at his first chance, but we'll see.
9/7 c35 Katherine Queen
"Giichi looked her up and dnow, his eyes narrowed" - this mistake should be easy to spot. I also enjoyed the joke about being in a James Bond movie, it was very cute and very silly. "Miyu sat up from armchair" - from the armchair.

Alright, chapter finished. The banter with Giichi and Miyu was very cute, silly in places and it seems like he has plenty coming his way in future chapters. I also really enjoyed getting to Miyu, I hope that she knows what she is doing with what may come her way in the near future. So far, this story continues to impress. Great Job.
9/5 c34 25Demo ODST
so, I gotta say, the forcing gichi to write programs for them is rather dirty. at the moment, I don't have too much respect for queen kula. that said, so far, the impression of her brother ain't much better.

in previous chapters, there are several scenes that have me curious. ie, canmas dream sequence. makes me wonder about the actual events of her homes destruction. I think we talked about it, but.

I personally am not digging the conflict with fox and tadao all that much, but I'm more interested to see where it goes than anything.
8/27 c27 Demo ODST
well, got to reading on this. was not expecting a flashback to love is blind. not complaining though. I somehow remember some of the scenes here, like wolf on the beach, but beyond that, it's all new to me. makes me wonder just how long it will take them to reach thalja, cause I frankly don't remember how long ya said the journey is by conventional travel.

reading this again reminds me of how awesome I think it would be to see fox and co taking on the retinue or however it's spelled and actually bringing them down with conventional weaponry. but that's just me
7/26 c30 16Etched-in-Fire
We've already discussed the worldbuilding/pacing at length, I feel so I'm not going to comment upon that as you already know my thoughts on it.

The nightmare sequence was unnerving to say the least- you did a good job at highlighting the uncertainty and the creepy factor. Poor Shuro and his tail. :( I'd like to know a bit more about what happened. The sequence was nice but it left me with a lot of questions that I want answered. What IS the Night of Despair? Why was Canma not affected?

I forgot to mention this before but the holo wall idea is exceptionally neat, particularly that they have it set to ThornTail Hollow, which is probably the most serene place in the SF series (except when the SharpClaw are there and it plays the mean music).

Nail and Canma's conversation about "What if Thaal-Ja" is risen is nice but I would think they would know by now if Thaal-Ja had been raised? Wouldn't they have heard from Gail by now? I'm a little confused because I thought that if Thaal-Ja was risen, everyone would be summarily screwed? Even if they were, say, hiding on Corneria as refugees? Maybe I misinterpreted that.

With this fic, I think you may wanna reconsider how you're tagging it. I don't often make this suggestion but given that we're 200k words in and there's been a clear focus on the OCs... why not omit the Fox x Krystal tag for an OC tag? Krystal has yet to make an appearance this far into the fic and if you wanna tell readers there is Fox x Krystal content, you could put it in an Author's Note at the top? I'm only suggesting it because this fic is really rich in worldbuilding and OC development but looking at the tags on FFN, you wouldn't really know that. And with all the work you're putting into it, I think it deserves to be pointed out in the tags. It's pretty lame how we can only put 4 characters on FFN when it comes to tagging but that's the reality we gotta live with, I guess.

Anyways, the story continues to be delightful to read. I'm slowly catching my way up, a feat I never thought possible with such a high word count. xD Hope to have reviews out for the last few chapters soon.
7/14 c29 Etched-in-Fire
Ahhh, another worldbuilding chapter. I do like the world you've created with Thaljista. It's clearly been well-thought through and heavily built upon. The Blue Angels and the martial arts style used for taking down the lions were very nice touches. Definitely going a different route than I anticipated but not complaining about that at all. I like pleasant surprises. Also I adore manuls irl so having one show up here made me happy.

If you ever want inspiration for martial arts created by people of shorter stature that is very effective against taller people, I absolutely recommend looking into aikido if you have not. I used to train at a dojo for several years in that art. I do see some similarities in the scrap Panther has with the cub ('encouraging' Panther's trajectory into the ground, for instance) with the art honestly. If you haven't looked into that art, do recommend! Lots of re-directing energy, wrist throws, etc.

2 minor concrit bits:
- Panther's dialogue feels a bit like it's speaking for the reader, as if he's trying to fish for information for OUR benefit, not his own. For instance, I don't really see him as the type of person who would even ask Taraksh about his surrogate son because I don't... see him caring? It felt a bit on the nose. I'm not sure if that's just a difference in our perspective of the character or not.
- All of this worldbuilding is really good but as a reader, I'm feeling a bit antsy about the plotline advancing. While I'm sure a lot of this info is important for the plot to move forward, I feel like it could be sized down to still give the same feeling without feeling like the story is stalling. If you think about it, each of the last 3 chapters has had SOMETHING important happen but with a lot of... not-so-important things happening as well. Again, I'm torn because I DO like the worldbuilding a lot, it's just a lot is happening in chunks and that's making the pacing feel a bit off for me.
7/14 c34 8TonyLupo
More mystery and intrigue. What is actually going on with Giichi? What are they doing to him, and is what he’s experiencing intended expected behaviour or unexpected side effects? There’s a heck of a lot going on in the fabric of this story now, so I’m glad that your tying at least couple of the threads together in that last scene, even though you leave the questions unanswered.
7/4 c28 16Etched-in-Fire
The shoutouts to the other fics were very nice! I like it when fic authors do that. We're all a community after all and our goal should be to lift each other up.

Another good chapter with character background.

Run for the hills, Panther. She's cray-cray. I hope he gets a chance to escape soon. Maybe run into the "mysterious cloaked figure" in the Outer Territories? I'm assuming it's Krystal. Or maybe this is bait to make us think it's Krystal but you're gonna pull a twist on us? I'm assuming not just any gem is going to work for their ritual, though. Or I would think. Else it would be awfully easy to wake up Thaal-Ja, right? Just find a staff... find a gem... put them together and boom? Just speculating at the moment.
7/4 c27 Etched-in-Fire
Not much to say with this one except for the fact that I have formed a strange attachment to Ooveh and hope nothing bad happens to him.

Wolf constantly misremembering Giichi's name is hilarious and now I can't unhear people calling him Gucci. I do wonder what Sable will do now that Wolf has turned her down pretty harshly? Will she try to get Panther to get the case back? Or send the Retinue? They're quite formidable on their own. Even with the ongoing civil war, maybe just sparing two of them would serve to get the gem? I suppose I'll have to see as I keep on reading!
7/4 c26 Etched-in-Fire
Catching back up on this fic steadily. I can't remember entirely where I stopped leaving reviews but I know definitely it was not this one so I'm just gonna start here.

I thought this chapter was a good peek into Sable and Kula's relationship. The fact that there is underlying tension and that there's a power dynamic makes this chapter less saccharine than it could be and that is definitely not a bad thing. It makes their relationship feel far more interesting. No matter what good Sable does for her Queen, she's not going to escape the fact that part of her is scared of her superior. And probably always will be. Kudos to you for this interesting twist. The only thing I would say is maybe add a label (I don't know if this is the right word for it?) at the start of the chapter designating that it's a flashback? And the only reason I really say that is because you had a time indicating label at the start of Chapter 24 so as a reader, I wasn't prepared initially for it to be a flashback.

The length of the chapter felt pretty good, if I'm honest. Of course I'm 8 chapters behind so I'm late in saying this! Looking forward to the worldbuilding and character development.

I have been stewing a bit on my last review (that I can remember) of this fic, particularly about the missing gem. I'm still not 100% sold on this as a plot device but I understand for pacing, you need to have something happening alongside everything happening with Fox. And if they just summon Thaal-Ja... well, that's kind of the climax, isn't it? You can't really get any bigger than summoning a god to destroy everyone right? So consider me tentatively neutral about that now that I've had time to really chew on the idea.
6/27 c34 12Elarix
I think it's a bit of an overreaction to stick Giichi in a high-tech simulator just because no one can stand his night driving :P
For real though, I got a chuckle out of the fact he was unwittingly keeping people up at night with his driving. I bet a lot of people in the palace secretly resent him for it, but they put up with it 'cause he's Kula's favorite brother.

Giichi's internal thoughts came off rather clumsy. It felt like he was directly talking to the audience when really it's just him oddly narrating plans to himself which he already knows. Settling for just exposition would've felt more natural: like rather than, "I plan to infiltrate the city's systems!" just say, "His plan was to infiltrate the city's systems" and not bother with the internal monologue part.

It's pretty inventive to use his cars' internal computers to develop his hacking software, out of sight of the palace guards. It's also nice to see he's not sitting idly by while under house arrest, but actively working on escaping the city.

I thought the morphing, holographic track was cool. Reminds me of some Pokémon stadiums.

You know, I was gonna joke at the beginning if only Giichi could code and drive at the same time, that would solve all his problems...

I think Giichi's line, "These things...are they connected?" came off too hand-holdy for the audience. It's also made redundant anyway when the scientist makes the connection later at the end of the chapter.

Oh, didn't Stan say they had a mole in the Queen's palace? I guess that would be Miyu.

Okay-okay-okay, I finally got a theory about Thaal-Ja and the Azer family. Thaal-Ja is really an alien ship that landed on Thaljista to colonize it years ago (or perhaps crashed there on accident). The feline race was either the crew come to colonize the planet, or they were native to Thaljista and just found it after the wreck. Raising Thaal-Ja means reactivating the ship, which could then rain fire down on their enemies in the form of alien weaponry. But they need some sort of capital-P Pilot to do it, and they're hoping it'll be Giichi. I also have to wonder if Krystal is the Pilot of the Cerinians' ship? Could explain her telepathy and staff. I'd have to brush up on my Thaljistani history to see if this theory checks out, though.

If I was Giichi, I think I'd confront Kula about that full week I slept through. They can't hide something like that from him forever.
6/24 c34 Katherine Queen
Giichi is quite the computer whiz then. driving and hacking all at the same time, wowza. i know for sure that i couldn't do something like that, amazing. i greatly enjoyed the dream Giichi had with Nail in it, very cool. it was a very great way getting to know that Nail again. i must say that i think Giichi will be quite surprised once he is reunited with Nail, can hardly wait to see how that works out. also, it was interesting to discover that Kula had a hand in that dream that Giichi had. it is also quite interesting that there is now someone else who will be trying to get that gem in order to raise Thaal-Ja, should be very cool to see how that unfolds. really loving this story, love all the hard work being put into the story. great job.
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