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for Halo: The Schism

2/15 c2 2k+Hawki
-So, coming into the second chapter, and I found myself reminded of the first. Again, it starts with an info-dump. Even if it's covering material that's technically new (as in, not conveyed in official media, least as far as I'm aware), its manner of conveyance is still an info-dump.

Thing is, it doesn't have to be like this. For instance, part of the info-dump is detailing the previous meeting. A way out of the issue is to simply show the meeting itself. Instead of simply describing Ackerson's anti-Spartan-II stance, show it. "Show, don't tell," as the saying goes.

-"Todays meeting..."

Should be "Today's."

-Moving onto the next section with Johnson, the writing improves significantly. It's a case in point as to how you can convey information without passively summarizing it. Like the previous sections, we have a summary of past events. However, instead of simply summarizing Johnson's encounter with the Flood, it does it in a more intimate manner - combining flashbacks of the event with his time in the present. So, yes, there's still narration going on, but it's done in a far more accessible manner than paragraphs of text blandly summizing events. As I mentioned above, "show, don't tell." The section with Hood is a clear case of 'telling,' the section with Johnson is a clear case of 'showing.'

That said, it does kind of lose some of its steam after the flashbacks end. We know the situation on Earth is desparate from the previous section, a lot of info here is simply reiterating it. But still, the section here is better than the previous one for the reasons I described above.

-Overall, issues remain, but this chapter is slightly better than the last one, though it's the Johnson section that does the heavy lifting. One can hope that the trend in improvement will continue.
2/15 c1 Hawki
-"...the most sacred of all their god's artifacts..."

Should be "gods'" (as in, apostrophe comes after the s, not before, as it's plural.

-Okay, so, I've read through the first few paragraphs, and the intro could be a lot better.

You've given us an info-dump, and it's an info-dump that anyone who's read 'The Fall of Reach' and/or 'The Flood' would be vaguely familiar with. Now, that doesn't preclude the information being summarized. However, it's a lot of information given all up-front, and it basically brings any sense of flow to a halt. As in, we get the moment where Thel sees Alpha Halo be destroyed...then endless paragraphs describing events that lead up to that point. If the info has to be conveyed in this story (which is reasonable), then spread it out, rather than front-load it.

-By extension of the above point, I read the rest of the first section and it's not a good start. My eyes were glazing over by the end as the info-dump continued. Again, to reiterate, not saying that this information doesn't belong in the story, but there's far better ways to convey it. Namely, spread it out throughout the piece.

-The second section shares the same problem as the first. It's not only conveying info I already know, but it's doing it in the same way as the first. Here's Guilty Spark, here's his role in Combat Evolved summarize, move on.

-"...to destroy anything the Flood might feed on."

"Everything?"

Wait, so is it "anything," or "everything?" (Or it's like that in the cutscene it's taken from, in which case, pay no heed.)

-So, the third section is a bit better than the previous ones, in that rather than an info-dump, it's driven by dialogue. On the other, while there's arguably little wriggle room for Sesa if it's going straight from Halo 2, it's still lacking something. Part of the problem is that here we have a character with one set of assumptions (Great Journey, etc.), and in the same section, those assumptions are undone. Any narrative or character 'oomph' the scene might have is curtailed. Yes, it's from the game, but being a novelization, you have far more wriggle room. To borrow a phrase, "you need to establish some assumptions [in writing] before you start subverting them."

-The fourth section is kind of an extension of the third in this regard. We've jumped to yet another character, and in the space of less than a chapter, we have characters that have gone from fully believing in the Great Journey, to turning against it completely. If this is causing them any level of doubt, or attempted rationalization, or anything else, it doesn't show it, it just gets on with things.

-Oh hey, someone else remembers Peptuck. Shame he left.

-Overall...well, yeah, can't say much more than what I have above. In terms of stuff like grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc., the chapter is fine - I bring them up because there's a lot of fics on this site that aren't, so that's at least worthy of mention. But while the chapter functions, it...well, that's the point. It's "functional," and not much else. If I had any advice going forward, I could narrow it down to:

1) Cut down on info-dumps. If the information must be conveyed, don't do it all in one go.

2) Take your time to set things up. You have the advantage of that in a novelization where you can go by slower pacing than a game. This especially applies to character development.

Or that's just me.

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