1/12/2019 c1 Guest
Great ideas. I can see you’re putting thought into your story. A couple of things to strengthen the flow: 1. Watch your run-on sentences. There are quite a few and they distract the reader. (Which is a shame bc you have interesting characters.) 2. Consider breaking up your descriptive details instead of putting them all in at the first introduction of the character to avoid reading more like a tv script . It can be far more powerful and engaging to the reader to add a bit at a time. Her hair as she runs her fingers through it. Then, later, when she’s talking with the alpha mention her eyes, etc. 3. Consider distinctive voice. You have characters from New Orleans and you note they have accents. Don’t be afraid to study up on what that sounds like and write that character’s conversations with that accent and colloquialisms. A lot of people use contractions or slang. Changing the speech a bit for various characters adds to their “real ness” and relatability.
Again, you’ve got some interesting new characters who have a lot of potential. How would she impact the tri-city pack? How would Ben react to her on the levels of abuse or as an omega. She’s not Anna: she had a sister she loved, she’s from a distinct Southern region, and she’s a different race. So it will be fascinating to see how she reacts to life in a new area, without her twin. Hope she stays in touch with her old-new alpha bc he could be a really cool mentor that adds some interest.
Great ideas. I can see you’re putting thought into your story. A couple of things to strengthen the flow: 1. Watch your run-on sentences. There are quite a few and they distract the reader. (Which is a shame bc you have interesting characters.) 2. Consider breaking up your descriptive details instead of putting them all in at the first introduction of the character to avoid reading more like a tv script . It can be far more powerful and engaging to the reader to add a bit at a time. Her hair as she runs her fingers through it. Then, later, when she’s talking with the alpha mention her eyes, etc. 3. Consider distinctive voice. You have characters from New Orleans and you note they have accents. Don’t be afraid to study up on what that sounds like and write that character’s conversations with that accent and colloquialisms. A lot of people use contractions or slang. Changing the speech a bit for various characters adds to their “real ness” and relatability.
Again, you’ve got some interesting new characters who have a lot of potential. How would she impact the tri-city pack? How would Ben react to her on the levels of abuse or as an omega. She’s not Anna: she had a sister she loved, she’s from a distinct Southern region, and she’s a different race. So it will be fascinating to see how she reacts to life in a new area, without her twin. Hope she stays in touch with her old-new alpha bc he could be a really cool mentor that adds some interest.