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for Legends of Terra Book 1 Arc 1: Legends of Change REVISED VERSION

21h c8 2JustAFemaleGeek
Very cute, I love the interactions with the toa. :) I also wonder what the otehr toa think of Emma. I suppose we'll find out eventually!
I want the Toa Metru as my siblings. Guess I met them too late. ;)
Vakama is such a softie! Aww. He cares so much!
Aw siblings hugs!
They're all siblings and its the best thing ever I swear.
1/4 c8 2Razoreagle k'Leshya
Gya! Gettin' hit in the gonads is never pleasant, I know from personal experience. I didn't think Nidihki had nards to begin with! Three spelling errors located, first during the initial chat with the Kikanalo, second when Matau dropped his Rorzahk disguise, and the third... Is at least halfway through the reunion scene, give or take a few paragraphs. And are we sure we want to go through all of the different stun staff effects? Over all great chapter, and that Toa rider scene was funny!
12/21/2020 c7 Razoreagle k'Leshya
Fantastic! I'm pretty sure the minor appearance was four of the original Toa in Turaga form, and I presently don't remember the name of the Water Toa aside from it starting with "Ha". And FYI, the US election was rigged in Biden's favor, I'm sure. Don't ask, I couldn't tell you why other than "I'm a cross-wired freak jumping at shadows".
12/17/2020 c7 S s
Maybe Emma should talk to them about her nightmares and her abusive father
12/3/2020 c7 AllSpark Princess
I bet that the mystery strangers that help Emma were the Rahaga. Please update this as soon as possible.
12/3/2020 c7 2JustAFemaleGeek
Me like chapter.
Im not very eloquent right now. But I appreciate Emma not being OP. :) She's a teenage girl in a large OP world, what do you think it's going to be like? This right here.
Anyways. I hope that made sense. I could go on so many rants branching off of your rant, but I'll save you from that.
Good luck with the classes!
11/20/2020 c4 42MakutaMutran
Again, I like how the story is gradually transitioning from the canon into a different plot. I think you've covered the basics (Matoran transformed, finding the Great Disks, approaching the Morbuzakh, the Matoran Nui, and fighting the Morbuzakh). The focus seems to be telling Emma's interactions with the Toa. I'm still wondering (as I should be) why Emma is here, and what is going to change. She asked that question of herself: Should I reveal information to the Toa when I already know their story? If she had, she could potentially reveal the believed culprit's identity, prevent the Great Cataclysm and save many lives. HOWEVER, that's under the assumption that she's right and things would go to plan...which you can never count on. Interesting moral dilemma.

I liked the continuation of Emma's vulnerability because I think it shows how out-of-place she is in the BIONICLE universe. I had mixed feelings about her injuries from the Morbuzakh vines and how she handled them. On the positive side, her chest being injured, the skin rubbed raw, and her bones being damaged all seemed realistic from the pressure and textures you might imagine. But she was also concussed, dehydrated, overheated, and tired on top of her other injuries. So, positively, it's relatable. My two most painful physical injuries were a spinal injury while hiking a volcano and a spontaneous lung collapsing, but not knowing it and proceeding to walk, drive, and try to move normally for two days before hospitalization. So I know how bad chest/bodily injuries can be, and that's relatable, but with everything else...HOW IS THIS GIRL STILL WALKING? What have you done to this poor child? XD

So, in short, I thought the injuries were all accurate and threatening, but she's going to need a lot of therapy. Haha. (Depending on how effective the Toa's healing powers are.) But once again, that's a minor complaint, and really more of a comment than a criticism. Nice work.
11/18/2020 c3 MakutaMutran
I wish I'd thought to include this in my review on the previous chapter, but I appreciate the shout-out at the end of that chapter and this one, TFAN. Thanks for the mention, but I'm just glad more people are able to get the BIONICLE story. It's my pleasure to see more people know it and, in your case, be able to apply to to other stories like this one.

Nice chapter here. Obviously there are a few key things that are different from the original, more than just Emma's interactions, so there's some mystery introduced (both about where the BIONICLE story is going to go but also about Emma's past). It seems like she's along for the ride right now, mostly observing, but I expect that to change eventually (I'm just not sure when). I'm also trying to figure out how much Emma knows about the BIONICLE universe and plot, because that could be potentially important.

I think my favorite part in this chapter was showing the lethality of the universe, when Emma is attacked by the thorns. It's similar to how Pokemon are potentially destructive as well. Without weapons, armor, and/or elemental powers, the BIONICLE universe could be a scary place for a human. I also like how the citizens would see Emma as a "Rahi" and archive her. I think that's a reasonable concern. If I'm being really picky, I think my least favorite part was Nokama using "healing" powers to help comfort Emma. Since the Toa Metru just transformed, I'm not sure she would know how to do that yet (and canonically doesn't learn until their return to Metru Nui), but that's a very minor detail. Nice job so far!
11/13/2020 c2 MakutaMutran
CHAPTER 2: Not bad overall. I thought this was a good in-between chapter to insert Emma into the existing BIONICLE storyline. Using a portion of a Kanoka disk used to make a Kanohi Rau as a translation device was a creative touch-might have been my favorite part/idea. And as a precursor to that, it was an entertaining reminder that the Matoran language is an entire language, and we only know a few of the words here and there. Narration still felt light, but we'll see how that goes. I also see that from my last question, "Kini-Nui" was in technical reference to the Matoran language, not the actual site referred to as Kini-Nui on Mata Nui.

Current questions: how much of a direct/indirect impact will Emma have on the BIONICLE timeline? Yes, she's from a different universe, but her knowledge of the BIONICLE story is more impactful to the plot than that, I'd say (at least for now). Why was Lhikan's message different? Emma made a mention of it, so there's obviously some significance there.
11/10/2020 c6 2Razoreagle k'Leshya
Two laugh attacks in a single long scene (Toa Metru vs. Dark Hunters) and a heaping helping of realism. Not to mention a definitive answer to what those Vahki combiner models actually were. Laugh attack #1: Nokama's "I wasn't aiming for you" moment. Laugh attack #2: Nidhiki's comeuppance. I laughed because the execution was perfect, an excellent subversion of expectation each time. Never stop improving, Vo-gi!
11/10/2020 c1 42MakutaMutran
Looks like I'm a little late to the party here, but I figured I may as well leave some reviews/comments as I make my way through.

CHAPTER 1: I think the plot arc is a solid enough beginning. We have a lot of relatable experiences (waking up, stepping on cats in the way all the time, rushing out the door for school, and cafeteria shenanigans) that make the story feel "homey" and give it believable aspects. Then there are some factors that make it seem cliche or questionable, but not to the point of being unlikable. I'm not sure what kind of tone you're going for either, but the impression I'm getting is one that is less serious and lighter hearted as opposed to more serious and darker. If this wasn't your goal, then maybe I can proceed with some suggestions on re-wording here and there without changing content.

As for my main questions after reading this chapter: What happens next? Will she see her friends again? How did she get to the Bionicle-verse, and why? (And if the story description mentioned Vahki and the Morbuzakh, what is she doing around Kini-Nui?)

I'll see if these get answered whenever I continue.
11/9/2020 c6 2JustAFemaleGeek
Yea! I noticed the info! I was like, ooh background!
Also yeeee flufff! And scariness too. The dark hunters are just SO creepy! They always were to me tbh. But now they're back, and ugh! Theyre worse!
Anyway. This was a veeeery satisfying chapter. WELL worth the wait. :D
ha school. Its sucking out my soul right now.
10/4/2020 c5 S s
Please do more I really love it
9/16/2020 c5 Cilantro
I just need to let u know I love this and the way you write it out! It’s very descriptive , but not TOO descriptive! It gives me a clear picture without doing something like explaining a door in so much detail I know what it smells like. And you don’t lack explanation either!

In short, I love ur stories. BIG fan of bionicle and I’m really glad I found u while searching up bionicle fanfics cuz I was bored
9/8/2020 c5 2Razoreagle k'Leshya
Talk about hitting it home, Av-gi! You could be a Bard out of Valdemar, I felt it that much!

On another note, I noticed a total of three spelling errors, two of which I remember off the top of my head. First one is in the first few paragraphs while the other one is in the afterword. And I'm seriously considering changing your nickname to Vo-gi, "lightning sister". Take your time, and as per usual, good work.
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