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for Sing: Road Trip

3/3 c6 23VirusChris
Well... sorry for not keeping tabs with you with your story when you added my OC. Been busy with a lot of stuff and my own stories. That said, I got around to catching up with what you wrote when you posted chapter 6.

First off, I'm glad you made it easier to see who is talking with bolded text and keep their dialogue in paragraphs or separate lines. I've seen TOO many writes to do that amateurish mistake with walls of text and it hurts my eyes.

I'm glad you continue to to work on your story no matter what. Though, about your story... I'm kinda not focused. What I mean is at first it starts off almost like a comical roadtrip then a weird kidnapping with death threats.

Then Coleman's father shows up and that was all over the place. His sudden change of heart came out of nowhere and it felt out-of-place. It was very rush and unnatural. I get where you're going for with this, but I feel like you should've established their relationship more and build it over time to where it resolves with the father forgiving him.

A perfect example of this is Stoick and Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon. The first movie. I recommend watching it to give you an idea how a father-son dynamic where they don't see things eye-to-eye finally open up to each other in the end.

Like Coleman's father being this jerk at the start with his attitude, finds his son and get into a fight, then go their separate ways with the father feeling remorseful to show there's more to him than meets the eye. Then have the Christmas Party where Coleman sings and Coleman's father realizes he was wrong and apologizes to him. Maybe a rip-off with Johnny and his dad, but you get the idea.

Here it came and went like the wind. Felt unimportant.

Also, what's up with all the death threats and dangers. I feel like I'm reading a different kind of story that isn't Sing.

I do like how you have my character being friends with Coleman. Though I was kinda wishing they had a more "best friend" vibe considering they've known each other for 5 years. Like I wouldn't mind if Chris snaps his finger to get Coleman out of his trance and goes "There you go buddy" to know he's got his back.

Just normal friend.

Also, a girl hedgehog? Not called Amy? XD
I jest, but Tracey is a nice though if I wrote this character her name would've been Iris and she would have blonde-platinum quills for her "hair" and purple eyes.

Though, that's just me. I don't mind given him a love interest, but it would've been nice to see them interact with each other more and see why they like each other.

By the way, why would you write that Johnny finds Chris creepy when he's in love. That was kinda rude and not something Johnny would say.

All in all, I can see you're writing as gotten better and your story is shaping up a bit. It looks like the next chapter or two is the last ones to finish your tale. I look forward to seeing how you end it. Even with putting Chris and his family in danger.

I will say this. His family are scrappers when it comes to fight. The thugs who knocked them out are in a rude awakening when they stir. Considering Chris' parents were once famous adventurers that braved ruins and experienced all kinds of dangers.

Until next time, this is VirusChris signing off! Sayonara my Nakama! Laters!

PS: I'm a bit surprised I'm the ONLY one to review this story. 0_0
4/18/2020 c1 VirusChris
A short chapter. Honestly, with how it was titled I was expecting a fun, little, chaotic misadventure on the open road as they get to a new signing competition. The ending, I was NOT expecting to turn so dark. 0_0

Still I am curious where this will lead. And my portray of my character here... pretty spot-on. He's a friendly dude who always looks out for his friends. Feel bad for Coleman's condition and I wonder why his dad hates music. Gives me a bit of Coco vibes though more mean-spirited.

All in all a nice start for your new story. I wonder what my OC will do in this story considering he was thrown in as Coleman's friend. By the way what species is Coleman? Porcupine like Ash?

Anyway, I look forward to more.

Until next time, this is VirusChris signing off! Sayonara my Nakama! Laters!

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