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8/18/2020 c10 Guest
Excellent story hopefully you will continue with this story. An expansion of this story i.e. The next story could be about their first contract or trouble for his father and they have to run home to save him
5/4/2020 c10 2WHCnelson
I like it. More please. I wonder what contract they get and how they do
2/8/2020 c3 13Ender Mahe
First off, congrats on getting your first story written and posted! You asked for some feedback, so here are my thoughts.

I strongly recommend removing the two prelude chapters. With fan fiction it’s assumed you won’t be sticking 100% to cannon and it really slows things down. It’s great that you have all this backstory, but give it to us in the story!

I also recommend talking a real hard look at your first actual story paragraph. In novels readers usually give you a paragraph - online it’s more like a sentence. Give me a hook, something I want to know more about, right off the bat.

Continuing with the opening, try to make it more active, more short and less tell. For example, instead of telling me this guy is “arguably” his best friend, jump straight in to the action and have his first instinct be to look at this guy, who looks right back, and boom we see their good friends.

I like how you use descriptions, they’re very good, but consider a little more carefully WHEN to use them. Scene setting is good, but not when you’re about to change the scene and go into a battle scene somewhere else.

Overall your story is good and your writing style pretty clean, especially for your first go. You’re doing great, keep going! And hopefully these thoughts will give you something to work on moving forward.
Best of luck.
2/7/2020 c6 23RougeBaron
Nice story so far. I like the changing point of views between the attackers and the defenders. The mech action is a little short but that's what you expect if a light lance comes in contact with Marauders.
The only thing I would recommend is to split this chapter into 2 smaller chapters, possibly more. You crammed a lot of stuffs into one chapter. The story is easier to follow if one chapter only contains one subject.
Overall good work. I'd look forward to reading the rest of the story.

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