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for The Snow Prince

10/15/2020 c5 4Unlimited Fic Works
so I tried to read this... I made it further than I thought I would at least. For me the issue is that the plot is all over the place. I have no idea what's happening. when the whole IS deal was going on, you specifically wrote that only ichika was "wrapped in armor". Yuki never even touched it. Also you said there was only one. so how did Yuki get into an IS? There's also everything going on with Genesis which is... what exactly? what does it do, is it why Yuki can apparently read minds? or is that something he could always do? these are important explanations to give us readers. without them we have no clue what is happening.

The other big issue is the characters... or what can be called a loose approximation of them. You seem to have been aiming for a stone cold MC? but then you straight up did the opposite and made him a flamboyant playboy? The female characters have no value to them except for you to tell us how great your OC is at everything and how attractive he is. Yuki said at one point that he's not prince charming but that's exactly what he is, except that every once and a while you say he's blank again which is just a really jarring situation. is it possible to have both? yes. it's just incredibly difficult. You also don't need every character to fall for Yuki the moment they meet him, you CAN take your time with it to create meaningful characters with motivations and short comings.

I have no issue with OCs, but you have to make sure they ARE original CHARACTERS, not a dull rock. Shortcomings, dreams, abilities, connections, strengths, fears... no character is complete without them and as a writer it's your job to convey all of this without expressly telling us everything. it's possible to convey these things by writing subtle reactions like "as Yuki was walking through the amusement park, he shuffled away from one of the rides slightly, a quaint little children's ride with tea cups" it gives an impression of a childish fear and that Yuki isn't perfect, he just had to grow up to fast. and all that without saying any of those words.

your readers aren't stupid, you should trust that we can understand the concept of Show Don't Tell.

Cheers mate, I loved the concept but I'm going to stop reading here for now. I wish you the best luck in your future endeavors.

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