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12/5/2020 c10 Guest
The correct word for the spar tires are mounted on is axle. Axis is used in a geometrical context as the place a body is symmetrical along or a geometrical body is spinning around. And the infamous Axis of WW2, of course.
11/30/2020 c9 Enforcer209
Well this is certainly interesting story I can’t wait to see what you have in store for it
11/7/2020 c8 2ZillionaireMan27
Dude, your writing is improving exponentially every chapter. Far better grammar, 3rd person, some hilarious lines. “Do you want me to play ‘Those Hips Don’t Lie’?”

I’m loving this, and I’m loving your Shepard. I also like how you had Shepard potentially even regret the Rachni decision.

Only thing I wish you would do is focus on characters other than Tali/Shep. Dedicate a chapter to Wrex/Liara/Garrus/Anyone but the main pairing. I think it would be great to explore other characters. Just my opinion though, I still love the story.
11/5/2020 c6 Muramasa96
Great story! I can’t wait the next chapter! I like the way you write about relationships and dialogues between Shepard’s crewmates.
10/28/2020 c7 Jotunsquid
Hi,

good story so far. From your user name I infer that you are from (North) Germany, but to be on the safe side, I'll stick to English.
I have two nits concerning duty on a warship. One: Just about the only navy in reality that is "dry" (read: no alcohol on board to drink) is the US Navy. All other navies have alcohol on board. The Canadians drink like fish ;) The German Navy has the rule of "two beers per nose and day, noses and days are not transferable". The French serve wine at every meal...the list goes on. I refuse to believe that the Systems Alliance navy is so influenced by the USN traditions that their ships are dry. I mean, every non-US navy laughs at the USN for essentially not treating their crews like grown-ups. So there is that.

Second, there is barely any saluting going on in a ship that is underway. If at all, the CO gets a formal verbal report the first time he shows up on the bridge. That is it. Period. With the comparatively high proportion of officers in any given warship's crew, the enlisteds would not get to do much at all if they kept saluting every time somebody with a bit of gold braid on their shoulders gave them an order. The level of informality is different with each navy, hell, with each individual unit, bur saluting is rightly seen as a waste of time.

It is obvious that Bioware have and had no freaking idea about naval customs. Another thing that ties in with the above. Most N7s would actually be NCOs, not officers. If you look at any given special forces unit in the world, the "meat", the operators, are mostly very experienced senior sergeants or chief petty officers. SF officers rarely if ever serve on the sharp end of the spear and are mostly relegated to administrative stuff and listening to the suggestions of their sergeants. A good example of how it really is is in the "SEAL Team" series. The boss of Bravo is a commander who we only ever see doing comms and fretting about his guys doing their jobs.

Special forces brimming with officers is a tired and factually wrong Hollywood trope.

Regards,

Jotunsquid
10/20/2020 c6 18David Falkayn
I'm enjoying your story, but the big blocks of text and multiple speakers in one paragraph make it often difficult to read. If I might offer as a suggestion: Use smaller paragraphs and break up the dialogue where each speaker has their own paragraph like this:

Shepard stretched out and yawned, "It's been a long day. I think I'm going to turn in."

"I think I will too." Tali responded as she felt her muscles aching from the long day.

Yes, you're going to have a lot of one or two sentence paragraphs, but the story will flow a lot better and it will be much more readable.
10/19/2020 c6 2ZillionaireMan27
Love the transition to 3rd Person. I hope you keep it like that.
10/19/2020 c6 Immadeafginger25
*clap clap clap clap clap*
10/13/2020 c5 Tyranbae
I think you should hold off a little with pouring all of Tali's lines and talking points into the first couple chapters or you won't have anything left for later, unless you improvise a lot. You use a lot of stuff that only come up in ME2 or 3.
The easiest way to do that is by giving other characters a bit more time instead of constantly forcing Tali into the spotlight. Another way would be by developing characters more slowly and carefully. Which is difficult now of course.
For example you instantly made Wrex way too lively and friendly with the rest of the crew.
Instead you could have displayed the process of Wrex warming up to the others, things like that.
10/6/2020 c4 Gallendro
HAHAHA Ashley got Poseidon's Kiss! I am really enjoying this story, and not just for that part. Keep up the good work and thank you.
10/2/2020 c2 marduk280
Was pretty enjoyable until it switch to first person. Unfortunately I have a strong dislike to first person view writing and won't be following the story. Good luck!
9/29/2020 c3 Guest
Wait a minute tali has a brother, shepard needs to be prepared
10/1/2020 c3 ZillionaireMan27
So far I’m liking it, my only criticism has to do with grammar really.

“Council Spectre” you capitalize the Council because it’s an entity.

“Alliance Navy” same as the Council.

Also, try to use indents when using dialogue.

“Just Tali. Forgive me. Oh no, it’s fine”. It was somewhat confusing on who was talking at what point.

Other than that, I think the story is pretty good so far. Your dialogue is not bad. Keep it up.
9/28/2020 c3 Guest
oooh tali tiene un hermano , wow gran historia hombre
9/28/2020 c3 Feanor
Keep it up I love this story please.
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