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for When We All Fall Asleep

2/7 c2 2k+Hawki
-For starters, the info at the start...um, okay...

Look, I'm not going to come down too hard, because I don't know the timeframe and difference between here and DA, but simply telling us that J.D. and Del are dead? No. Just no. This kind of plot detail should be in the body of the text itself, not some throwaway author's note. This isn't so much contesting the plot point itself, but more the manner of its delivery. What's weird is that the text also kind of establishes this, or at least hints at it, with Jinn's squad-mates coming home in boxes comments. So why is the author's note even here?

-Moving on from that, the chapter itself opens awkwardly. For instance, "SLAM." That this is the doors to Jinn's office being slammed open is something that comes more than three lines after the fact. It's not the worst intro in the world, but it trips the opening up, where I have to effectively go back a few lines to get the intended effect.

-In said paragraph, you alternate between "Windflare" and "windflare." Again, whatever your choice, keep it consistent.

-"...without medical intervention," Jinn chose her words carefully.

I'd replace the comma after "intervention" with a full stop. That Jinn is choosing her words carefully is a separate statement from the dialogue. It's not the same type of ending as "Jinn said," for instance, which would validate a comma after "intervention."

-"...to you"

You're missing a full stop after "you." You similarly miss it at the following lines.

-"Kait stayed pointedly quiet."

Start a new line for this. It's bunched together with Jinn's dialogue.

-Overall, mixed about the chapter - it's better than the first in some ways, worse in others. Better, in that more time is given to establish character dynamics/characterization. That we have around 1300 words (again, this is a guess) dedicated to Kait and Jinn is a good thing - it's taking its time in a way that the previous chapter didn't. Furthermore, said dynamics and characterization are true to both characters, though I find myself questioning Kait's apparent ability to soldier on so easily after losing both J.D. and Del. Losing just one of them in Gears 5 tears her up, as does losing Oscar and Reyna for instance. But that's a minor point.

On the other hand, the chapter has taken a nosedive when it comes to punctuation. Yes, it's arguably minor, but lots of little minor irritations add up to big ones, when in sentence after sentence, I'm distracted by the errors. Don't know what did, or didn't happen, but the punctuation, and by extension, the chapter, suffers for it.

Still, of the two, I'd say this chapter is better. The improved characterization outweighs the punctuation stuff, so sort that out for future chapters, and the story has some promise.
2/7 c1 Hawki
-I'm very mixed on the first section. There isn't really anything it does (or doesn't) do that I can call objectively wrong, but it's still iffy. For one thing, it imparts a lot of information in a short amount of time. Which again, isn't inherently bad - brevity is the soul of wit after all - but this is compounded by a possible violation of the "show, don't tell" rule. For instance, it describes Kait as having headaches, but doesn't show us them. It describes Kait's ability to bury her grief, but doesn't show it. It describes the squad walking on eggshells around her, but doesn't show it. Now, granted, not every character interaction needs to be shown, but what we have is a lot of information given very quickly, but a dearth of actual detail to go with it.

Also, you slip into present tense at the end of the first section ("can she") whereas you've used past tense up to this point.

-Moving onto the second section, we have other examples of a lack of description. It starts with the Minotaur being flipped (no explanation how - these things are heavy) and straight into a battle with the Swarm, with little character description of the Alpha Gears.

-Getting to the third section, you alternate between "human" and "Human." Whatever your choice, keep it consistent.

-"...you'll finally listen to me"

Missing a full stop after "me."

-Overall, the chapter feels rushed. The writing in of itself is functional - a bit basic, but functional. However, assuming that chapter word counts are split evenly, I'd estimate this one at around 1300 words. That's 1300 words that covers a lot of territory, with very little buildup. It doesn't give much time for character development, and it isn't going to pass a Chekov's gun test. For instance, the chapter sets up a mystery of Kait getting headaches, despite the fact that her headaches should have been gone by now...and answers the mystery in the very same chapter said mystery is introduced. Of course, there's the other end of the spectrum where the writing takes too much time, but here, it feels rushed. I'm not particuarly interested in what the creature is for instance, because no time has been taken to build up to a reveal.

Not saying the plot in of itself can't work, but going by this, it's plot that needs far more time to be fleshed out. This would also help with characterization.
10/11/2020 c2 Reina Myrrah
a question, here who is dead? JD or Del?
10/10/2020 c1 Reina Myrrah
interesting, I like to continue please

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