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12/23 c3 13lulusgardenfli
I'm still mourning over Soda, but I'm so happy to be spending time with Johnny & Sadie. Veronica is right, I just feel safe and belonging in the Curtis-Cade household, the way they have the family photos on the wall, including their Winston girls (like they belong, oh Veronica). There's something strong and stable and good about them, I'm glad that Veronica has them, even if right now she doesn't know who they are to her and it confused by everything she's feeling and where she belongs (or if she belongs) in Tulsa.
The connection, in their smile, between Dally and Johnny.
Soda needing a buddy but Pony needing an audience, and I'm thinking of Pony's position in the family (and the extended family) as the youngest (except for I believe Lily Cade and Katie Mathews and maybe Violet Winston too). And how these conversations, these pains, always comes back to Ponyboy in the end.
Billy Curtis is a DOLL! I love him so much! He's such an interesting mixture (I could be wrong) of Sadie and Soda and Pony, that Curtis imagination with that Cade entrepreneurial spirit. I'll also vouch for Two-Bit's putting the fry in the shake trick.
The talk between Two-Bit and Veronica, it was so nice. I've always been intrigued by Two-Bit's place in the larger family and of course I'm also thinking of the (4th of July?) when Elenore came by for a visit and talked about Star Wars (Pony as Luke Skywalker). You are so good at capturing all of these emotions, Veronica's unease yet comfort with Two-Bit. Also Two-Bit's joke had me legit lol along with Veronica.
Most of all that Two-Bit told Veronica after years of 'the girl who isn't supposed to here' joke, that he's not surprised that she's here. As Pony said about his daughter, she's beautiful and fathomable.
I love getting to know more about Tuesday! She's such a beautiful soul. And Troy. You know how interested I am in him. There's something so captivating about him, maybe it's because like Pony (like Veronica?) he doesn't feel that he fits in with his family. His kindness is also so deep and apparent, I'm also so intrigued about his conversation with Soda.
Pony oh, we know he loves his girls (both of them, even as he rejected our Veronica) but why can't he say that he's proud of her? I get the feeling that he is, that he's very proud of her and Cordelia and Carrie too. And like Cordelia, while Veronica is disappointed in him she can't stay mad at him.
I'm so glad to be here on this journey with Veronica.
12/20 c2 61metacognitive
i hate that i understood the deleuze reference... academia has destroyed me! very quickly, here are some thoughts: as always, i adore veronica. she's so real, and it makes me weep a little to think of how out of place she feels (which i've mentioned multiple times by this point). but here, on this post-graduation night... she's happy, and i love to see that. i also really love to see how the relationships in this family have shifted, though i do wish dally and lucy would not argue about ice (elenore and john's pillow collection, however, is fascinating, and i might have to take it up myself). riley is also a joy :) i know veronica mentions that her being over only on weekends (...unless it's every other, and i'm sorry if i got that wrong) is a little different than full-time siblinghood, i still think it's fun to see them interact with one another when there is so clearly a lot of affection there.

and while there's clearly tension between her "family" (ouch) and ponyboy, that veronica continues to love and care for him feels... right. it's brave of her, and strong, and a reflection of who she is as a person. i mean, she's very clearly lucy and dally's granddaughter there, for doing what she wants LOL and an impromptu visit to tulsa with "family friends" (also ouch) makes perfect sense. i like that she's got this obvious connection to pony, but the clear bond with carrie makes me really happy too. carrie is one hell of a woman, period, actually, and i will continue to admire her within your work. (i'm also still laughing at your hinton-blue reference; why is pony such a dirtbag!). i'm really looking forward to where you take us (and hoping for some more sadie soon!) so thank you for sharing :)
12/6 c1 metacognitive
if i haven't mentioned this already, let me remedy that: your ability to write a character-driven story is incredible, and i am taking notes. i love all the layers to this, and the emphasis that this is a story about connections and self-discovery (and how isolating a lot of that might feel!). veronica, to me, fits into her family - her entire family! - so clearly and easily, and yet the sensation of isolation she so clearly feels makes just as much sense. she's spent near 22 years missing something that feels like it should be vital; that it is purposefully kept a secret is what makes it feel that way, too, which makes me wonder at how she'll react to elenore once the truth comes to light.

we've spoken a little about this already, but that it's soda who figures it out first / who dies first... this is really heavy, and i've been sitting with it since you first posted this story but i haven't quite figured out the words for it. killing off the "heart" of this universe, though, is really interesting way of framing it - partially because i think of elenore as the heart of this *family* (extended though it may be!). his wanting to connect with veronica and not having the chance to hurts just as much as his loss itself, particularly given her inability to explain why it feels like such a deep wound. that the rest of the winston clan seems to think they don't have the right to mourn either makes me : bc that's not how grief works! but the winstons are a little emotionally stunted we have to be honest :( but this loss is very... piercing is the word i want to go with. it hurts! and it's going to reverberate (i know this bc i have read chapter 2 already, lol).

i am so... so intrigued by jenny and veronica. people (veronica included) keep saying they're best friends and attached at the hip but... i'm not seeing ANY of that in this fic or in our last veronica-centric piece, which is reminding me of the whole johnny-and-pony-aren't-best-friends thing. there's so much tension there and it cannot possibly be all one-sided, but it's really interesting to see veronica's thoughts / actions fail to line up (the pony vibes from her... i'm sorry! but they feel very strong haha) with regards to someone who was once described as her only friend, which maybe helps inform that sense of isolation she has, but is nevertheless something i'm thinking about. thanks for sharing :)
12/5 c2 7PandaGirl2019
I know this is far from the point of the first section here, but I laughed so much picturing Lucy and Dally arguing about the ice! I also know it's not really funny if they've been arguing about things like this because they're grieving and that needs an outlet, but nevertheless...

Anyway, I so feel for Veronica with the distractions and the drama making her lose focus. Not just that though, I get this sense she doesn't quite feel like she fits anywhere, even in her own home.

I love Veronica telling Dally the cap's part of her face now, and he'll have to get used to it! And she knows (and we all know) how proud her is of her.

I can totally feel Veronica on feeling like she doesn't do anything and like school and being smart is all she has. I'm sure especially growing up around the people she has, like Lucy, it must seem like 22 is the time to have done it all in life.

Riley is so funny!:)

Oh, it's even funnier to actually read the dialogue of Lucy and Dally fighting about the ice! The ice has a gender, and it wins. Lol. Is this inspired by real life somehow?

Oh gosh, I love Elenore making blue pancakes in Soda's honor.

Elenore is making me wonder right now if she lets go when no one is around. Good for Veronica for asking her how she is and starting this whole conversation that's about to make me cry, with Veronica saying Soda didn't love her as much as Elenore. And then too when she asks if it's weird to miss him. It sure isn't weird at all! I don't believe you can quantify how much someone means to you and to your life just by how often you get to see and talk to them.

When Veronica says Pony's been invested, I kind of cringed! In some ways, she is right. He has. But in others, he's only been partially invested. Though I totally get it for her. If she wanted him there, then that should be the end of it. It must be awful to have this feeling and to know, but at the same time, be denying it. I can't help but wonder if they all really expected to keep this from Veronica forever?

And what's this with guys (as in more than one guy?) insulting Veronica while they're eating together? That's so odd!

Veronica's interactions with Dally as just gold. I remember I loved how he was with Elenore too, and this is a lot like that. The women who know him best can read between the lines and catch the real meaning of everything he says.

Oh, it is so very rich for Pony to say he doesn't want to put Veronica in the middle. He and Dally both have done that for sure! It's not subtle at all either.

You know, I feel like I had to have known Pony was sitting right there when Soda decided to be Veronica's godfather. But to read it now and connect it to the fact that Pony looks back and remembers holding Veronica, only to reject her, that makes the moment have so much more power.

I remember what you said about Pony being understanding and sensitive in this chapter, and I love him for it here! And not just because of what he says to Veronica with such empathy, but because he shares some of his own grief with her, and he does it in a way that's so authentic.

I'm cheering for Veronica here as she announces that she's going to Tulsa for the summer!

I'm more than a little intrigued by Veronica's dream that I know must be a memory...

I love the interaction here in the last scene with Veronica and Carrie. Especially about Carrie's eyes being the same color as Elenore's. That scene kind of has this ethereal feel to it, and it's one I don't think I can even explain, but nonetheless, it does feel like a turning point.
11/29 c1 11thenpitythebackseat
I’ve never been able to explain it, but Christmas has always had a melancholy air about it every year since I was little. It’s bittersweet. The idea that family is together, then it’s not, and the decorations come down and time keeps going on and everyone gets back to their lives. It’s so beautiful, but so painfully sad. The idea of death and Christmas run parallel to each other in my mind, which makes this story just so amazing. This was the perfect time to introduce Sodapop’s death, in my opinion. You balanced those two themes so masterfully.

There are some lines that resonated with me this chapter. I had to reread them again and again because they just made my brain reel - they were that good...

"No one has ever loved her, and now that she’s nearly twenty-two, she’s not sure anyone ever will.” That quote hit me in my HEART! I am twenty-two, have never been loved, and that quote is everything. The way Veronica is still so young but feels like she doesn’t have much time left to achieve those quintessential milestones of a young adult’s life that everyone around her is experiencing… it’s a sobering feeling. The actualization of how I feel right now. I can’t describe it. I’ve always resonated with Veronica in your writing, but that facet of her inner turmoil just struck a chord.

"There’s nothing like the death of your gang’s heart to make everything go sideways.” That one stung, because it’s so true. Sodapop is one of those fictional characters that you love wholeheartedly and don’t want to accept as a tangible person, because that means acknowledging all of the negative things that come with living a life like he would have. He’s so imperfectly perfect and sweet. Truly the heart of the gang and the story of The Outsiders. Reading your depiction of his deal feels all too real, and it hurts as much as I imagine it would.

And Veronica telling herself that she has no reason to grieve Soda. If only she knew! And even if he wasn’t her paternal uncle, he still loved her so much. He’s her godfather, after all! She fits into their familial landscape just as much as anyone. Perhaps *more* than anyone. How much I wish she understood that!

I also love Ponyboy’s comment that they were “crying themselves sick for a guy who lived a full life”… I loved that Ponyboy kind of misses the point there, ya know? It’s very on-brand for him! But it’s also so illustrative of the poignancy of grief. From my experience with loss, someone’s life is never satisfactory enough for you to be okay with losing them. Especially if it’s someone you loved with your whole heart. You’ll miss and grieve them forever regardless. It’s the potential of a future with them that dies along with them, and I think that’s what Veronica understands about Sodapop’s death. There’s never going to be a “next” time where you can speak with them, talk with them, laugh with them… it’s over. The brain can’t accept that realization at face value, and I think Ponyboy is facing shell shock while trying to process the enormity of that.

Ugh. Everytime you come out with another piece, it becomes my favorite. But this one is reigning above the others. Maybe I’m a sucker for the macabre, but you’ve outdone yourself with this!
11/21 c1 7PandaGirl2019
Before I get into what I know is going to be an emotional review, I just want to say I love the images of all of them spending their Christmases together:)

Haha, I totally love Dally's interpretation of A Christmas Carol! And so too what Veronica says about the Grinch being about him. Lol. It's doubly nice to reread this after knowing where it's leading.

Soda with the "Death and Christmas don't really mix" hurts now. But I laugh at the "I didn't think you liked anything." Soda and Dally's banter is among the best. So is Elenore and John's! It's so great to see them together.

"Veronica Winston has been in the darkness of the movie house since she was eighteen." I sure couldn't read that without it jumping out at me! Especially when it's about Ponyboy's daughter.

I can so sympathize with the anxiety of public acknowledgement.

Aw, Soda with his "And you have to take my girls with you?" It's so sweet, and it says a lot about John with how he just laughs.

And this ends up being the last time Elenore has to leave Soda. Ugh:( I'm going to cry again already, and I didn't even get there yet. But before I do, I have to point out Soda and Dally's banter again! lol. I like this one even better with all the back and forth!

I can't help but be glad this is how Elenore's last time seeing Soda ended, as much as I hate thinking about it that way. No doubt this man died knowing how much he was loved and not just by Elenore, but everyone.

"He grew up, but he never let his heart die." That's just a great encapsulation right there.

Oh gosh, going back and rereading everything Soda says to Veronica and how she looks at him with all that nostalgia and how they talk about not having enough time together. I'm going to be an emotional puddle on the floor! But I just especially love how Soda tells Veronica that she's more than the moon, how he builds her up just by being himself.

The image of Veronica sitting there, thinking about Carrie Fisher's death, about predictability, about life, then hearing that "What?" from Lucy and seeing Elenore so grief-stricken is going to stick with me as much as the "Soda's dead."

Gosh, what John says here about Elenore feeling guilty truly makes me tear up. "JUST his goddaughter." Can I just say heck, yes, she's got the right to be this sad? Oh, I feel so bad for her, and I'm not saying at all that she shouldn't feel however she feels because guilt is such a valid reaction in grief, but yes, she has as much right to grieve as anyone, even Soda's five kids. I feel for her too in wanting to give Veronica more time with Soda because Elenore really did get a lot of time with him, even if it'll never feel like enough. Soda's surely a person she wanted her kid to know and love as long as she possibly could.

Veronica's absolute whirlwind of thoughts on the plane is just so perfectly fitting for how we react to grief. Emotions go everywhere. Thoughts become unhinged, as we're realizing we're never going to see this person again, and that pain really sinks in. Nothing feels right, nothing feels normal.

Sadie with her "I'm not a twin anymore." I think that speaks for itself.

I think you've captured perfectly the disconnect in the days following a death. Everyone's there, everyone's around, and it's all so blurry.

Oh my, Veronica's thought about being "just some girl." That hurts, and I just want to hug her and tell her Soda was her family too. Regardless of the fact (still not known by her) that he is her biological uncle, how you're related or even IF you're related sometimes doesn't mean a thing.

On a sort of side note, Veronica sort of makes me worry about what kind of romantic relationships she may venture into...

I'm going to be interested to see more of Veronica and how she interacts with both Jenny and Cal.

"There's nothing like the death of your gang's heart to make everything go sideways." Isn't this just the truth?

I love that Veronica asks Dally if he regrets not telling Soda that he was his best friend. It's so fitting that Dally's just like "Naw, he knew." And we know he did.

And I'm guessing Pony thought he should do the eulogy? It's so fitting that Sadie does it, as is what she says about Soda.

Despite the sadness of this whole exchange with Dally and Elenore, I laughed at Dally's "I can blame whoever I want." I can so hear him say that, even while I'm over here with tears in my eyes again, thinking about Elenore feeling as if she didn't treat Soda well for all those years.

Ah! Here's Troy. I never do know what to make of him! He comes off as so mysterious, but I'm sure he's really not. And what the heck does it all mean? Though I'm pretty sure I know what he's referring to when he tells Veronica she could know if she wanted to...

Pony is whittling Soda down all over again when he talks about his grief (their grief) this way. I get such selfish vibes off of him in this scene, and I can't really put my finger on why. I guess he's just too stuck inside his own head and not realizing what he's saying or what Veronica's saying.

This ending, I just want to reach in the screen and hug Veronica because she already has the right to be here. But I get her longing to feel like she belongs, to feel like she's as important as anyone else, and that's such a tough thing to deal with anyway, never mind when she's dealing with grief. I can understand how she'd feel kind of lost in this sea of people too because she doesn't share all the memories that they do or the same connection. But, really, it IS just overwhelming the number of people you see after a funeral, and this on top of this questioning of identity is a lot to process. This scene reminds me a lot of when Elenore had her PTSD symptoms ("Breathes through the rattling in her ribs"), so it makes me wonder where Veronica is headed.

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