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6/21 c1 7ElvishKiwi's favourite sister
Ooooooh! This story is great! I am really enjoying it, and I look forward to seeing what you have in store for these poor characters.
I won't do a long review, because it's three thirty in the morning and I need to sleep, but good work. I look forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing and God bless!
1/16 c12 22CasterWay
Ok... I'm here after a lot of chapters later. I apologise for not being able to review everything before that - I'm not exactly free, nor am I able to understand the staggering number of accents herein. However, I CAN manage to review 11 chapters and 3 factions in one go.

Markem is by far the most interesting vermin horde leader I have ever had the pleasure to read, and the otter siblings are also quite fun. Scarl, of course, brought me a sigh of relief by showing a horde leader isn't always surrounded by idiots. Luzgot is the traditional vermin who is probably going to die before the tale ends, but the suspense is still here - would he perish before or after he accomplishes his goals? As for Lefen, it's sort of weird to see the traditional woodlander freedom fighter in an antagonistic role, but this adds to the appeal, I guess.

Redwall, though, is significantly less interesting. It's not your problem - the action lay elsewhere. Still, Jase and the other Redwallers are mostly relatable characters, and reading them offers the reader some degree of enjoyment. Salamandastron suffers from the same problems, but with more arguing. Still, it's always good to see badgers in action - in a VERY well-written naval battle, no less! Which brings us to Faction #3.

I distinctly remember introducing 12 characters in the space of the first two chapters of my first fanfiction, and coming to regret that decision. Thus, I was completely baffled when you decided to introduce twice that number in chapters 9/10-10/11 (FFN numbering systems are why I put prologues in separate fics, btw), and somehow managing to make everything work. Minto is desperate to prove himself, while Maria is just as desperate with claiming her birthright. Chuggas, on the other paw, is content with his lot of life. Not to say you did all of this perfectly - cramming too many characters in a chapter would mean sacrificing either story pacing or audience understanding of characters - but you have reason to feel satisfied with your work.

If I had to give you one piece of advice, it's this - you're trying to tell three (soon to be four) stories at once. It would do this fic a world of good if you focused on one faction at a time, or bring the factions together slowly but surely. That, and your chapters are too long for the average Redwall fic. I had serious trouble trying to read this chapter all in one go. I'm not sure if it's because of my ADHD, or if this chapter is truly too long. Probably both. Consider cutting chapters into bite-sized pieces - possible a maximum of 4000 words?

Have a good time writing!
12/23/2020 c6 21The Grey Coincidence
Congratulations my friend, you have one hell of a story!

Now, gonna get the elephant out of the room and say that your chapters are gigantic. Not in and of itself a bad thing, but when dealing with online readers the general rule is that less is more. Having said that, I really don't think there is a way to shorten your chapters dramatically and I think they flow really well as big as they are. I'm going to use this chapter as an example. We have the threat of assassination, all the oaths and horde-joining, the assassins sneaking in and the pretty climatic speech couresty of Markem. And spacing that out across several chapters, I feel, would remove a chunk of the tension, because everything is more exciting in the moment and if we readers have too much time to dwell on things, well, it becomes *obvious* that Markem wasn't *actually* going to die. More on that later though.

One thing you could look into more is repeating phrases and sentences. There's this tendency present throughout the text of having one sentence followed by another sentence that says the same thing... with different words. There are also... a lot of adjectives. And yes, you're building a world and colouring in it's residents, but I feel like some of it could have been trimmed off in certain parts. All of this is just technical mumble, mind, and I'm not the best with that so take what I say with a grain of salt (just the one).

Plotwise! This is definetly the most interesting fanfic I've read in a long while. And keep in mind that I do read a lot. There are a lot of moving pieces and players, and yet I am never quite confused as to who is who, and that's something that requires a lot of skill and dedication. Your accents are solid, moletalk, vermin slang, hare babble et al. And your characters are, for the most part, fun to follow.

Markem is not the average vermin. He's not sneaky, stinky or conniving. He's plain and simple, harsh, but fair and tough as nails. Is he a good guy? Absolutely not. But his goals are larger than himself. And I know, it's a bit of a cliche for the vermin warlord to just want to have a place for his people, but cliches exist for a reason and you use them well. Markem himself is nothing spectacular. He does not scream 'READ ME' at first glance. But that's fine, because for one thing, the plot is way more fun to follow than any single character, and the background cast really make up for it.

Enter Mud and Dirt, the perfectly named otter pups who Markem takes on as slaves after orphaning. He treats them harshly, but not as harshly as some others. He looks out for them. He makes sure they have food and shelter. Again, is he a nice guy? No. But he's the reason they're alive and they both know it. To make things even more complicated, Dirt got promoted to being his bodyguard after saving his life. And what a deliciously complex relationship that must be. Deep down, he wants Markem dead. He still dreams about it! Or does he? I'm sure as his personal bodyguard... there were plenty of opportunities.

What about Mud? How does he feel about his brother 'befriending' their master. I'm sure there's a bit of jealousy there. And as they go into conflict with more and more woodlanders... I'm only sure that their loyalties to Markem and each other will be tested and that's exciting to say the least.

The other warlords are interesting in their own rights. Kylan is the loud, noisy, but loyal one. Luzgot is the Starscream. Parb is the Wildcard. One of them's a crazy shaman. They're fun, but not quite as fun as Markem.

Over on the Redwall front we have the mystery of the missing Warrior. Jase is a well-meaning, somewhat unlucky young squirrel who, unfortunately, has a Dissapeared Dad. Who also happens to be the former Warrior of Redwall who went missing a while ago. Not having a father figure is bad enough but on top of that he's relentlessly bullied for it! Poor kid. And then *he* is the one that needs discipline. Gosh, I hope Markem sorts this Abbey out. And then one of his dad's 'old friends' shows up and comforts him about his father, but then his dad's other old friend our boy the foremole gets drunk and badmouths him. And it reeks of soap opera and I dig it. Very interesting mystery.

One more thing I'd like to praise you on. Most fanfics that are vermin-sympathetic, tend to go out of their way to have the woodlanders be racist and mean and vile and evil- so the morality stays Black and White it's merely the roles have been switched. There *is* some of that here, granted, with that one mouse who answers 'yes' to the question of whether vermin are evil or not. But on the whole the conflict is presented as being very Grey on Gray. Who's right? Who's wrong? Up to the reader.

This last chapter is the best one so far as well. Very exciting stuff! Half-way through I wasn't entirely sure Markem would make it- in hindsight of course he was, but you made me second-guess that! There was plenty of anticipation, tension was built wonderfully, and the plot could have gone in so many different ways. What would have happened if the assassination *had* succeeded, eh? Every warlord in that room would have killed and blamed one another and it would have been glorious. It would have fit the tone too! To see what becomes of a horde when it's leader dies at the paws of a woodlander. And then what becomes of Dirt? What about Markem's family? His kids?

We're not going down that road in the end, but the excitement of not knowing is something I rarely get to feel.

Now, long-term predictions! Jue shows up at some point. I think. Sort of have a feeling he's the third banner from jase's dream sequence, but you never know. I also... don't think things end well for Markem. He's a great character, but part of him feels so utterly... tragic. I just can't see him walking off into the sunset in the end. He chose his path and it is lined with death and sorrow. That is the way of the warlord. *Is* there hope that, to some extent, his goals will be achieved? I think yes! Because that dream sort of makes it seem like there will be a Bigger More Important Threat to unite the other banners. And if that is the case well, vermin and woodlander work together and find some semblance of peace. Will he conquer Mossflower? Sadly, I don't think he will. Will he die at some point? Sad yes. Will I cry? Of course. And although I think the way he's going only has one ending, I do hope he finds peace.

HashtagTeamMarkem!

Update soon (just my lil' signature, no rush)
12/22/2020 c1 22CasterWay
Whoa, this is a long chapter! Took me a while to get through it, but here I am!

We get introduced to Markem, who seems like your average vermin, though he is more skilled than them. He would be dead otherwise, after all. But what most interests me is that Markem doesn't have any delusions of grandeur like your average vermin. No, Markem Brownose the rat just wants to live.

Then we get to Janis and Dakab, who get enslaved at quite the young age. Honestly, I expected them to be treated more harshly, but I suppose Markem's desire to live outweighs his desire to dominate.

I like how you depict the cycle of vermin hordes well. A prospective warlord gathers beasts to his side, and wins a few battles against fellow vermin. Then pride overtakes him (it's almost always a 'him') and he tries to go against a better organised woodlander force, which ends in him losing everything - his life, his wealth, his slaves, his army, etc. After that, some subordinate of him gathers the remains of his horde to him, forming a new horde and repeating the cycle. All the while blood is shed, and the life of your average hordebeast is full of fear. Markem manages to survive the cycle's first few turns, but now his fate is uncertain. Only raw cunning could save him now - but for how long?

In any case, I'm interested to see how this story takes off. My only gripes are some grammatical mistakes that even I too commit too often (tenses, etc.), and that your chapters might be too long to focus for your average online reader. A word count of twenty thousand is scary. Even if that is the case, I'm still very much impressed by your fic, so keep up the good work!
12/17/2020 c3 Pyrah
Some more characters to learn about. This story is getting exciting. I love it! You are doing great! Keep up the amazing work!
See ya with the next chapter!
12/15/2020 c2 Pyrah
Hello! I love this story! You are an excellent writer! I like how everything flows nice when I read it.
The characters are so interesting because they are so different than most of the Redwall characters. My favorite is Janis. Even when he's changed a bit, he's still my favorite.
I'm excited for the next chapter, which I do hope comes out soon! You keep up the great work, and I'll do my best to encourage you!
I hope your day is absolutely splendid! Happy Holidays!

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