Just In
Community
Forum
More
for Unlikely Allies (SC Brood War AU)

7/24 c15 Arashi Tenebris
[in the meantime the zerg zerg began landing on Korhal]
a mistake ?
And look like instead of Earth force invading, it kerrigan force instead base on the campaign there. Pretty good tricks with just a simple solution to avoid get killed soon there Kerrigan, Now the force get swapped in faction so wonder how the story will go
7/14 c14 Arashi Tenebris
and it begin to be more derail from cannon with Rainor actually stay in character and not become love idiot like in starcraft 2 now :3, wonder what he going to do by staying here, recruit more terran who just don't want to be in all that mess and war between earth, dominion and soon to be Kerrigan war ? (not to mention the protoss here can help protect them and the only current threat are the wild zerg on Aiur, though wonder they will notice about the big *ss ship that in legacy of the void left there or not ?)
7/3 c13 1mattoblat
So, I’ve read through this whole thing. It’s really good. Hope to see where you take this Kerrigan who still has her mind and humanity somewhat intact. Especially as we move through the Brood War and into the time before Wings of Liberty.
6/28 c13 Arashi Tenebris
And butter fly effect in full force, now you begin to go full derail now that you not have stukov die since they at least do subtle and actually communicate with each other there. Also good scene where people have actual brain like Roland do investivate on his background and good deflect from Duran about that
And interesting that they go ally with Dominion, though I wondering how Duran able to meet and ally with kerrigan in the first place ? .

since you go near full derail now, have you outline your story so at least you know where you are heading ?, if you don't have any solid method for outline yet then I can share some video tips about it and plotting here since so far you mostly rely on exiting story to plot it, but go full original is another story so I don't know how good you are at plotting (but I can see you are good at fresh out the available story to be more better/realistic there and give soul to the 'player' character like Roland)
6/28 c12 Arashi Tenebris
Look like this Duran still find a way to sway Dugalle with logic there, though further suggestion from him should not at the point of make Dugalle seem believe him blindly over his comrade there like the game despite that guy just joint in the group recently
6/28 c11 Arashi Tenebris
a more sensible Aldaris ?, and no temple this time, the butter fly effect begin to show now
6/28 c8 Arashi Tenebris
One possible wrong lore though, wasn't the protoss have emergengy suit/teleport that auto doing so when it detect the user take critical damage ?, hence the reason Dragoons unit able to get more from that. So far so good
. For the scene where you want to show a bit of horror and suspense more better (mostly the former), I recommend you check this two video here:
'A Quiet Place — How to Ruin Fear in 7 Seconds' (just skip to 2:39 for the summary then begin the analyze for each part here and show how to write horror)
'How to make your writing suspenseful - Victoria Smith'

Here are some advice I copy down that could still helpful:
Some advice about cliff:
Everything in moderation. Using a cliff at the right moment amps up suspense, but using it too often desensitizes the reader, leaving an underwhelming result in the future when a cliff might be necessary. (Note: in your case you could train your skill of cliff a bit so to hook the reader into continue reading, though you also need to be mindful of how big the cliff are and how long until next chapter because too long would burn out the reader)
6/28 c7 Arashi Tenebris
good as usual, only slight problem in this chapter is you introduce lot of character all in one go so a bit confusing for who with who, aside from the guy who lead Kerrigan to the ship and maybe that high templar, the other one get mixed together a bit there so have to do a bit of reread for that.

For the name problem part, do you know that there are actually different type of name generator ?, Just google like 'Female protoss dark templar generator, zerg name generator, greek ship name generator, china name generator,...' and more. Beside you can just write some word like 'Moon' then hit translate to other language like japan and see if it good enough for you there ?
6/28 c6 Arashi Tenebris
Even though I know the campaing of this game, but the detail you add and the intrigue aspect are well done there :3. Though I wonder when the story begin to derail from the cannon there ?. And what your release rate for this fanfiction ? (as long as we know the release pattern like at least 1 chapter each 2~4 week then it fine, no need to rigid)
6/28 c2 Arashi Tenebris
Have readed to chapter 6 and so far you done a very good job, even newbie who not know about starcraft still can understand what going on a bit (though that what I guess since I was veteran of starcraft 2). The minor problem I see here is it seem you neft the protoss a bit (like the part group of zealot get hit by siege tank round, although I not checking deeper in the lore about how strong zealot shield are but it should be barely enough to take one shoot from siege tank there, or at least take at most 10~30% damage after the shield take the brunt of it ? Then the part about wrath shoot missile scene, you make it look like only artanis are competent enough to dodge all while the rest who follow him don't know how to despite being over 50~100 year of trainning ?, maybe you can twist it into like 'when artanis look behind, he notice that most try to dodge but some still end up get catch and blow up', something like that to show even with experience help some won't be able to avoid fully, especially when there are lot of missile hitting you).

So far another part that I think you could maybe focus improve right now (since most aspect you seem to doing well) is the body language part (and the one at the end of dialog, I notice you use quite a lot of 'he said, he asked,...', although I not a expert on this part and it not much of problem, but if you want direction to improve more then this part could be the way, I will send a PM example for it when it come to dialog/interaction), but you can ask other veteran author about it if needed
6/27 c1 Arashi Tenebris
Actually if I remember the lore right, the Zerg strains gain nutrients from creep, but can consume other animals for nourishment if the situation demands it. By 2511, plantlife generated by the adostra provided a substitute for creep to provide sustenance for some zerg strains. Now that you mention it, I search and found this post here [[Starcraft] How do the Zerg not die of starvation?], recommend you to read all of it, especially the one near bottom, I think they could use sun light as a long term for sustain recycle bio from other long hibernation. In case you not know, Zerg do not die of old age, but zerg of the Swarm do age. ... Zerg possess remarkable regenerative capabilities.

For terran food, if they get seed or food example out of it like meat, then they can use 'Verticle farm' or lab meat then use 'chrono boost/speed time up' to grow food for group of terran there

Not sure about the interaction between aldaris and the Matriach, but base on the setting I guess it can be legit, but just for safe you can check some video like this to make sure it consistent enough 'How To Do Politics', and maybe 'PROPAGANDA - Terrible Writing Advice', I try to google more and found this post [15 Logical Fallacies You Should Know Before Getting Into a Debate], helpful for idea about write bad argument that one character try to do for their bias or similar ?. which I see Aldaris use 'Ad Hominem' ? (In conclusion it quite good right now, if you want to improve you can check a bit of psycholophy and how politic mind work a bit)

Aside from that I can say you have tremendously improve compare to that fanfiction I read on webnovel last time there, and I can say more better quality than average new author, not much to point out
6/18 c13 2Appletank
Hey, first off, thank you for a brood war era fic, barely any examples out there. Also, very cool that the chronic backstab syndrome was toned down a bit, made certain plot points in the story kinda dumb. Really like the feeling of people making mistakes and learning from them, and just being a bit more level headed in general.

Keep it up!
6/4 c13 2Rex0153
That is a twisty twist, Alexei and Gerard will have to convince old Mengsk in joining the cause.

What Could Possibly go Wrong? XD

Maybe DuGalle will now learn to trust your best friend who is a tactician and your right hand rather than trusting some random boy you picked on the way.

But now Duran is walking in alien waters now, because now he may not have an easy time tricking DuGalle.

I just wonder, where the heck is Jimmy and Fenix now?

And how are going the UED to convince the Dominion to lend them a hand?

And what is Zeratul and Artanis doing right now?

This is all interesting and I want to see more

Keep it up buddy!
5/26 c12 Rex0153
Top 10 momentes before dissaster, is also extremely funny to me that UED is still unaware of the current stated of the Overmind.

They are in for a surprise.
5/10 c11 Guest
I'm really liking the story but feel like the refugee situation on Shakuras is a bit... Irrational. Maybe consider rewriting it from them taking ancestral Nerazim lands, to them pressuring Raszagal into assisting with military/colonial action? Either terraforming a known but otherwise ignored barren world/moon, or helping invade a fledgling colony like Mar Sara? Both could lead to Terran/UED interest/hostility.
18 Page 1 2 Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service