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for lethal justice

11/4/2020 c1 4Souma Sumire
I really loved reading your take on their relationship. Now that I think about it, I think Houtarou and Mayaka's relationship is my most favourite in the series and it was amazing to read about it from Mayaka's perspective.

However, there were a few points I noticed about your writing style. First of all, you use proper nouns too much in this story. This isn't as annoying when you overuse Mayaka as it is when you overuse Houtarou because Mayaka's name can be said quickly. However, Houtarou's name has 2 long vowels and that gets annoying after a while.

Second point was that in the last scene with the cheeseburger, you suddenly hopped heads from Mayaka to Houtarou. This was disorienting since all this time, I was in Mayaka's head and suddenly I am reading things that she shouldn't know.

I also think that if this story is from Mayaka's perspective, even if it is not in 1st person, Houtarou should be referred to as Oreki, since that is what she calls him. However, she has known him for about 10 years already so I suppose it wouldn't be strange if she calls him by his first name in her mind.
Last thing I wanted to say was that there was one typo. The president's name is Kugayama, not Kaguyama.

This story really made me realise how... Is stupid the right word? Houtarou is. In the anime, it was sprinkled throughout the 22 episodes but putting it all together in one place with Mayaka as narrator sure makes you notice his dumbness.

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