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12/28/2020 c2 Nienna Rose
I think I was able to read the first sentences in the first few paragraphs then cut to the end and get the gist of what's going on & sorry but it's just so hard to read w/the paragraphs not broken up & especially after people speak.
12/28/2020 c1 Nienna Rose
Long long paragraphs here that probably should be broken up a little especially after someone says something as it just made me skip a lot and skim thru it more than anything because it was so dense but I like this for the most part but gotta say I was never aware that Storm called Logan James which seemed out of place to me.
10/2/2020 c8 4The Vulture Queen
I liked this chapter, too. And it’s okay to take your time. Even without the beta struggles, 2020 is hard on everyone and no one will kind of you take more time for yourself.

Minor nitpick, though: Black bears can be any number of colors. Grizzly bears can also have multiple coat colors. The best way to tell them apart is usually location - grizzly bears are mostly only found in the northwest regions of North America. Ororo would’ve had to fly to Wyoming, Montana, or the northern territories of Canada - at minimum. Of course, it’s possible that Scott doesn’t know this. I can’t imagine the X-Men fight a lot of bears.

Take care,

-TVQ
9/21/2020 c7 The Vulture Queen
I have liked the last few chapters. Still not entirely sure what was going on with speech-impaired Laura at first, but you’ve done well with her characterization after it.

One minor canon nitpick tho: Logan had legally adopted her by the time of his death. So she probably would view him as a father more readily than she did here. Of course, he wasn’t a great one, what with putting her on a kill squad and insisting her life was worthless next to Wolfsbane’s, so... yeah, this also works come to think of it.
9/5/2020 c2 8Alaster Boneman
while this chapter is more easly read through than the first its still a little dence in places.

I also found myself slightly lost whilre reading though some secetions. like storms disapearce,

I lost trek of which part was from her presentive, waking up in some woods some ware and kittys presentive. I think you might want to consider putting some kind of indication that a 'section or scene' for the lack of a better word has chanced or ended or indercate the passage of time.

in my own works I tend to put large XXXs between the end of on scene and the start of an other as to avoid concussion

also I was a little confused as to whom rouge was talking two when she and kitty walked out the door and into im guessing the cort yard or back lawn.

consider putting in some short descripts of the more notable characters and not just the charaters but what there doing. like I think you mentioned someone with ice powers ageing with someone with fire and colosses was there. but I cant recall you saying who the other NPC's were the fire and ice's for example.

I would have to assume you ment bobby, ice man as you do mention him early but im unsure the other charater's name.
8/31/2020 c1 Alaster Boneman
this was a petty good chapter, though I feel the pargpaghs are a bit danse. I often had had to read several secetions mutable times because I lost my place. Its all very fine wrignting but like I send dense. a little more spacing out wouldn't hurt
8/28/2020 c4 4The Vulture Queen
So I was really following this for your take on Laura. Because the comics really don’t like fleshing that relationship out. Ever. Didn’t even get a proper reunion when they met back up, both thinking the other was dead.

I must admit that for a relatively canon compliant-ish story I wasn’t expecting something so out there buuuuuuuuuuut yeah it works. Not sure why she’d still have the highlights if she was essentially feral. My guess for now is that she’s slowly healing back to “humanity,” and the highlights came back in the process, because not noticed at first. And ANXM establishes that her healing factor does cover hair damage.

I can’t comment much on Storm, unfortunately. Whenever she and X end up in the same book, at least one of them seems to get flandarized. Their only meaningful interaction was probably in the first issue of Liu’s run lol.

Final notes: whatever your transitions are, FFN gobbled them up. There’s no real distinguishing mark between Storm POV and the mansion scenes.

I also think you could break up paragraphs more. It would help readers remember who is speaking and maybe help organize thoughts. Some internal monologues can get pretty long. I found myself drifting at points, unable to quite stay engaged.

That could just be a me problem.

I really liked the first chapter. Quite liked this one. I’ll keep reading.

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