Just In
Community
Forum
More
for Ribbon of Fate

19h c6 32Skylinneas
Hey! Long time no see! Glad to see the story continues with this new chapter :)

So Bryn is finally face-to-face with Yellow Squadron for the first time, along with Thirteen himself. The banters between the ISAF pilots are entertaining as usual, and I like the running gag of Bryn and Miranda's incident with Murray's cheesecake lol. I imagine SkyEye probably don't like that much, though, considering that he seems to like professionalism in the game itself lol.

As for improvements, I noticed that you tend to narrate what goes on in Bryn's mind in detail even during battle scenes. While I appreciate this in ground scenes where characters aren't in immediate danger and can casually let their thoughts out freely, I feel like it could be toned down a little during the battle, as Bryn would most likely be too occupied with the fast-paced combat itself to worry about anything else. Keep the focus on the actions in the battle scenes and inner thoughts briefly. At least that's my two cents. :)

Keep up the good work! Looking forward to your next chapter as always. :)
3/10 c5 Skylinneas
Hey, long time no see! A pleasant surprise to see a new chapter update today!

So this is a fun little chapter with some more antics between Felicity and Brian in the opening, as well as another mission sortie for Bryn and friends. Nothing much going on yet but the banters between Bryn and her wingmen are foreshadowing a lot on Yellow Squadron appearance.

Looking forward to the next chapter!
5/7/2020 c4 5Esquire 6
So, I felt compelled to leave a review after reading through the four chapters out of curiosity. This is my honest opinion, and my goal with it is to be as constructive as possible, so you'd find it helpful and useful.

First, the strong points. The characters, your characters, and their interactions on the ground are definitely the glue holding the story together, and for a good reason. Although not necessarily my cup of tea, it's obvious your strength lies in writing these situations which have a good amount of weight to them and have some characters which have some real conflict or buried secrets waiting to be big factors later on. Definitely a major strong suit. Also, I do like the interspersing of the Storyteller Boy's letters within the story to tie them to your Mobius 1 narrative, and it helps the reader stay on track in regards to timeline with something familiar(at least to people who played AC04). Both of these things really lift your story up. Even though I'm not particularly a fan of all the aces from all the games being related or having close friendships with each other, this is one of the more compelling versions I've seen of it.

Next, I'm going to move on to the areas of concern.

First, formatting. I don't want this to be a long point so I'll be as brief as I can. I wouldn't outright state the mission and operation boilerplate information as regular text just out there without any sort of lead up. It felt jarring to me to be reading and then have that as just text without any warning. You could include that information as a part of the spoken briefing or some other way you may find on your own. I think it would be better served not being hanging out there as sudden halt to your dialogue of the briefing.

Perspectives seem a bit overwhelming how much they change. Just as I'm getting settled into one character, it shifts back to Mobius 1 or vice-versa. I would recommend perhaps spending more time in each part to give the reader the time to process the scene and give a full "small" scene arc which feels more complete, just my opinion.

Also, the air combat. Now, I don't know if this was an intentional decision or not, the air combat, for an Ace Combat story feels sparse. The opposing aircraft are downed matter of factly, without any apparent struggle, except on a few occasions. Now, it may be your intention to focus more on the out of aircraft moments rather than the fighting, and that's your decision to make. But, it may help the story significantly to develop the combat further to really hit it out of the park. Adding in more complex maneuvers, trickier opponents in general, and tougher resistance from ground fire can do that. But, the decision is up to you.

Lastly, the sudden shifts between location as the team flies back and forth to locations was a bit jarring to me, as if the reader was being shunted back and forth within a flash between the AO(area of operation) and the base(wherever it may be). There's definitely chances for you to flesh out your characters during, maybe in-air refueling, as well as during ingress and egress from the combat zone. If you still would want to skip to the fight or back out of the AO, just doing a hard text-line split would work just fine. It would clearly delineate between the settings and give the reader a heads-up the transition between scenes is happening, and you could also add some more details into take-off or landing if so desired. The last chapter in particular could have used some more lead up to being on the carrier, and I would have really liked to see some chewing the scenery of the difference between being on an air force base and the smaller environment of the flight deck on the carrier. Again, just food for thought.

Overall, with some work, your air-time sections can really help complement your character interactions which, I'm sure will help accomplish your goals even better.

If you have any questions regarding any of comments, please do not hesitate to let me know, I'd be more than happy to discuss it.

Best of luck with your work,
Esquire 6.
5/3/2020 c4 32Skylinneas
I finally caught up with the latest chapter, and holy hell this is looking VERY interesting!

I love how you do the banters between Bryn and her friends in the air. They feel very natural and add a lot to their characters during sorties, and having Brain and Felicity fanboying over Bryn's tales and her relatives is something to behold as well. I can definitely say for sure that the dialogue between characters is definitely the story's strongest point for me.

I'm also very looking forward to Bryn's personal resolution with Kit/Lucky, even though you already revealed that Kit would not make it... Also, Chopper survived, and Blaze was dead, huh? I'll definitely be checking out your other AC fanfics soon. Looking forward to who the adoptive father of Brian is as well! These are all very interesting plotlines! :)

I do have some nitpicks, though. Mobius is described as a 'German Shepherd' in your story, right? Except Germany doesn't exist in Strangereal so I figured maybe it could be changed to a country in Strangereal? Like 'Belkan Shepherd' for example. Just a suggestion! Also, the thing about the Demon Lord being one of Bryn's cousins can get a bit confusing when he is mentioned in Bryn's past and her present, given that she already knew who Jason is in the present but doesn't in the past. It's just a minor nitpick, though. :)

All in all, I'm definitely looking forward to your next chapters, and I'll be checking out your other AC fanfics as well and review them accordingly. Thank you for contributing another great fanfic to the AC community!
10/3/2019 c2 Guest
This is fucking Gundam: War in the Pocket but for Ace Combat.

FUCK. F U C K. THE FLASHBACKS. THE FEELS.
9/15/2019 c3 Guest
just found this story. is this connected with your other ace combat story?
9/15/2019 c3 12TheShadeOps
Once again, another high quality product of the wonderful mind of wisegirl502!

Absolutely loved the cameo at the end, dreading future chapters as I can kinda see where this may be going (if previous stories are anything to go by, that is), but strapped in and ready to go regardless!
9/14/2019 c3 2TGT Terrorizor
Another great chapter as always!

Never knew Blaze would have a lot of kids like that. Had to look up "resuscitate" for a moment cause I didn't know it was a fancy word for "revive." Lol'd at the knife part, seen that video before, nice reference. And has Felicity really seen Bryn before? We'll find out later in the story, wont we? Until then, keep up the good wrk!
2/19/2019 c1 Guest
Wisegirl, I love your Ace Combat stories. Will you be doing one for Skies Unknown?
2/21/2019 c2 32Skylinneas
Hmm, this is an interesting retelling of Ace Combat 04. I like how you establish that Bryn has a best friend who's on the opposite side. Not many stories deal with this theme and I'm happy that your story features it. It's a real shame that Bryn already revealed that he didn't make it through the war, though.

Personally, I think it could make the development between Bryn and Kit more interesting if you didn't reveal Kit's fate from the get-go, but that's just me. Except if Kit turned out to actually be the Yellow 13 based on the 'lucky number' you mentioned in the story, then it's understandable because it's a foregone conclusion that he will be shot down.

Also, I love how natural the dialogue sounds between Bryn and her squadmates, especially with Miranda. It gives a sense of camaraderie and bond they have with each other. Looking forward to more chapters from you! :)
2/19/2019 c2 34lixiaofossil
In fictional worlds, two third of the best snipers, commandos, flying aces...are female. Also, most of them more and less bear Asian/Japanese chromosomes!
2/18/2019 c2 1brevinoda
Oh jeez you write fast, I don't mean to be weird by reviewing twice but just refreshed and this is out too!

This is really different from 04's "super somber all the time" which opens up a lot of possibilities as to how people got these kinda happy lives afterwards, thinking about where it may be going is awesome, especially given the implication that Mobius and Halo might've fallen out even when Mobius and Yellow (?) apparently *didn't*. Did Mobius and Halo participate in a previous war, though? Since they're in endgame planes and joking around a lot when the current situation is sorta "XCOM with three squaddies left and a base assault happening".

Also - guess this isn't really a review remark, but I'm imagining *everything* Whiskey says is all calm and echoey. Or like the echo gets bigger when he gets grouchy.
2/18/2019 c1 12TheShadeOps
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The master comes out with a new story, focusing on the woman, the myth, the legend: Mobius One

(Also totally shipping Brian and Felicity. Always have, always will.)

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service