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for Existence Begins With You - It's A Wonderful Life

6/28 c30 Guest
wonder if u r interested in adopting this story:Heroes By: Verdancy of the Green.
it really needs more description and has potential to be an awesome story.
6/27 c29 CO809
This is interesting, makes it so I can’t wait for the next chapter.
10/12/2019 c3 64Chronic Guardian
I'm curious as to why Neku gets cards and Rikka gets to keep pins. Quirk of the Game or intentional targeting? I suppose time will tell.

Also, why so suspicious of Rikka? Beyond "trust your partner" she hasn't said anything Shiki didn't already know by the time Neku met her.

On a more positive note, I think you're hitting your pace better with the dialogue/exposition flow in this chapter. Excited to see that improve as you continue on and perfect your experiment!

Keep it classy,
-CG
10/12/2019 c2 Chronic Guardian
Hmm... interesting getting Joshua's internal monologue for once instead of Neku's. Josh is a character I can't seem to get a solid read on, so it's interesting to see how you've interpreted him here. Kind of reminds me of EeveeGen's iteration of him. There are some minor mechanical inconsistencies with what we see him being able to do in the Game, but I'm mostly here for the concept anyway so I'll let that slide.

...Man, I really hope that third bullet wasn't meant for good ol' Doi. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd love to see a ramen warrior in the UG battle field, but Ken doesn't deserve that.

Also, heeey! The fanon pairing of Joshyme rears its head! As another character I have trouble writing, I look forward to what you've got in store for her. Make it a good one, eh?

Moving with cautious optimism,
-CG
10/12/2019 c1 Chronic Guardian
Hmm... yes. Experimental describes this well. Not saying it's bad, there are moments that I feel genuinely capture and validate what you were going for. But then there's the switching between first and third person with the scripting, and that makes the pacing a little... iffy. Like, it's hard to smoothly transition between action and dialogue this way, you know? Maybe I'll feel different further in, but those are my initial impressions.

...Not that you asked, but hey, it's what I've got.

Should say, though, decent opening hook at the end. I'm curious enough about what comes next and where Neku is that I'm willing to go on for another chapter. Points for that win, kid!

Seeing whatcha got,
-CG
5/20/2019 c13 CO809
I like so much your fanfic. I love it 3
3/9/2019 c4 Jordan
love it

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