6/11/2020 c1 614Yemi Hikari
I guess I'll start off by pointing out that script format is against site rules, but move onto the fact the writer did a lot of telling. We're introduces to a new setting of the mansion, yet get very little to no description, but there are random words put into bold rather than italics yet the words bolded aren't ones it would make sense to emphasize in any manner. There are times when proper capitalization isn't used, but also an over use of pronouns making it difficult to tell which pronoun is meant to be which "he" as there are a lot of characters who could be referred to with said pronoun. All of these things made just the first chapter difficult to read.
I guess I'll start off by pointing out that script format is against site rules, but move onto the fact the writer did a lot of telling. We're introduces to a new setting of the mansion, yet get very little to no description, but there are random words put into bold rather than italics yet the words bolded aren't ones it would make sense to emphasize in any manner. There are times when proper capitalization isn't used, but also an over use of pronouns making it difficult to tell which pronoun is meant to be which "he" as there are a lot of characters who could be referred to with said pronoun. All of these things made just the first chapter difficult to read.
9/14/2018 c2 21cartoongal11
I'm glad you updated this story. Great job, looking forward to what happens next.
I'm glad you updated this story. Great job, looking forward to what happens next.
8/7/2017 c1 raven perez
please more
please more
7/28/2017 c1 6EpicKoopalings
Not bad. I don't see a lot of stories that take place exclusively in the Chronicles world, but this is actually pretty good; the characters feel like their reboot selves, but in a good way. Loved the parallel to 'Life and Times of Hannibal Roy Bean.' That was really clever!
With that said, going back and forth from script format to third-person view is sort of jarring. The conversations seem to extend a little longer than they need to and can get redundant. Also, one tiny nitpick, Raimundo not believing in ghosts? Um, Wuya?
Regardless, this story looks promising so far. Have the characters say what they want to say just a little quicker and try to go third-person all the way. All in all, I'm interested as to where you take this story. Good luck!
Not bad. I don't see a lot of stories that take place exclusively in the Chronicles world, but this is actually pretty good; the characters feel like their reboot selves, but in a good way. Loved the parallel to 'Life and Times of Hannibal Roy Bean.' That was really clever!
With that said, going back and forth from script format to third-person view is sort of jarring. The conversations seem to extend a little longer than they need to and can get redundant. Also, one tiny nitpick, Raimundo not believing in ghosts? Um, Wuya?
Regardless, this story looks promising so far. Have the characters say what they want to say just a little quicker and try to go third-person all the way. All in all, I'm interested as to where you take this story. Good luck!