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for Gold Star

3/10/2014 c1 240NotMarge
Chilling. Love it!
9/3/2013 c1 72MissScorp
I'm in a bit of a fandom blind here because I have never sat down to watch Sin City. But that aside, I really liked the piece for what I feel that it represents- someone's lament over failing to protect/save someone that they loved. I absolutely love how you create this duality in the narrator's telling of the piece: I can see this totally being a conversation internally (internal monologue/reflection) but I can also see this as an external dialogue that is interspersed with internal monologue. Keeping this piece simple and not expanding upon what happened or explaining why Goldie died, about how Marv failed also lends strength to this being nothing but a moment of reflection. It gives the piece an additional depth and quality that makes it really stand out. Really nice job :)

Some lines I really liked:

((I was supposed to protect her, damn it.))- I love the way that so much feeling is laced within this sentence. You can feel his self-recrimination, blame, hatred in each word. Really powerful line that starts off strong and only gains in intensity really by the end. I think that this line establishes the point of the piece the best honestly. This is a remembrance piece as much as it is a piece extoling the person's own feelings and involvement in what caused them to lose their loved one.

((But whilst you're up in Heaven, I'm down here in Hell))- I love this contrasting theme. While Goldie is out of suffering, in a place where war and death do not occur (unless you are in Supernatural and have the Winchesters and a crossroad demon named Crowley helping create chaos that is) and where everything is peaceful and serene, Marv is here on Earth, fighting for his life. Every day is a new misery for Marv, a new war, a new threat, a new battle. It is endless blood and death and vengeance.

((sole gold star up in the murky black skies))- I really love the imagery of this little part of the sentence. It makes Goldie stand out and become even more unique within the frame of the piece. I also like this idea of Goldie being the only thing in the sky that he sees. That he likens her to the most prized of all metals (commonly, some would argue that I am sure) and establishes her as being the only 'gold' star in the sky sets the depth of his feelings and regard for her in my opinion.

A few minor critiques:

((I promise you-)) I think I would go with the : here. Just a suggestion :)

((theirs in ways unimaginable to them))- I would just delete the 'to them.' It strengthens the line and you don't really need to explain who you are talking about, you've already established that.

Just a tense correction:

((those assholes))- I I think that those should become 'these' to keep the flow concurrent and smooth. But that's just my opinion :)
Really poignant piece. Even with how simple and short this piece it resounds with emotions and with depth. I absolutely loved it, even without knowing the specific details of the fandom. Absolutely brilliant job!
4/21/2013 c1 7alex1321
This was amazing! I love how you go a bit deeper into Marv's thoughts and feelings when he wakes to find Goldie dead. The characterization was spot on!

My favorite part was "I'll make them wish they'd never messed with Satan and his darling angel" This line was great! :)
Keep up the good work! :D

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