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for Bane vs Mal'akh

8/10/2012 c1 8Caccus
I could focus on the good- of which there is much in your work. I'll quickly skim over it then, because I doubt you want to hear TOO much of it, right? Hah.

Anyhow, you nailed the pacing down very well. I really admire the flow of suspense that drives that sense of urgency that is so essential in thrillers and suspense. That is probably your strongest point of your writing, from what I can tell.

Ok. Now for the tough parts. Hope you find my words useful.

There are some awkward phrases in your writing. Let me talk about some of the patterns I see. You use observational words like, "appeared", "supposedly", "seemed", "surprisingly" or "as if".
These I feel are all bad, because you are speaking from the viewpoint of third-party omniscien, and adding stuff ont. You are the narrator. Show, don't tell. Not using these words in narration will help a lot.

Also, it seems like you expect the reader to have some idea of who the characters are, which is fine, because you are writing a fanfiction. The problem is when you try and hedge your risk by adding these "surprisingly" and other stuff like that, they do add info on the characters, but not much, and not anything a fan wouldn't already know.

Case one, they do know the characters, and those unnecessary words interfere with your writing, break your flow, and gives it an un-professional read.

Case two, the reader is new, but still doesn't know what is going on, because these characters were never really explained in depth in the first place (not really your fault) but all they know is that it is "surprising" for Mal'Akh to take Bane's punches with strength; but you gave them nothing to be surprised about in the first place.

That was my two cents. I hope you found it helpful.

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