A/N: It arrives, after (again) literal years! Apologies, etc. at the end, to better advance the story, which surely is the priority here.


III. To drown in that impossible sea


The first thing she saw was — incredulously — Dairine.

There she was, typing furiously away on Spot, perched on a swivel chair at the end of the bed Nita registered she was occupying: a hallmark of familiarity, seething with fury and frantic worry. Panic. And the moment Nita's gaze focused on her, she looked up with wide eyes.

"Oh, god," Dairine whispered; and then, quieter, "OhgodohgodohGOD."

Nita braced herself for a barrage of enraged shouting to ensue immediately after Dairine's discovery of her consciousness — but when it didn't come and horrified silence settled, she gradually realized that she was, in fact, not in an underground sea on Wellkah, but in Dairine's bedroom and lying on Dairine's bed.

Something is definitely wrong.

Nita tried to clear her throat to speak and found it... wrong. No, off. Or was it just different?

"Dair?" she finally managed to croak out, and instantly recoiled at the strange-yet-familiar quality and timbre of it. Yeah, definitely wrong. How come I sound like I've been sick for months? "What happened?"

Dairine visibly struggled against saying something else before she finally settled on, "You really don't know?"

Rather than work to vocalize an answer again, Nita shook her head.

Dairine took in an audible breath and bit her lip before she saved whatever she'd been working on and set Spot on the floor, where he cautiously tiptoed over to Nita in an almost reassuring way. "Nita, I'm just going to say it outright, okay? Don't freak out; you're still pretty fragile according to the scan Spot did and I need you to stay stable for a little while longer to make sure the spell took for sure, so just, keep it together."

That was when the terror settled in.

"When you were with the kernel, there was an earthquake that created an underground flood where you were. I... ha, don't even think it's much of a reach to say that the kernel itself was why it happened. Anyway, the kernel had also initiated some kind of spell on you, too — almost like a preservation spell, but it was taking time to fully work." Dairine paused, glanced at Spot, then back to Nita, a sharp look in her eyes. "You really don't remember?"

Nita shook her head again.

Dairine sighed and looked out her window; it was then that Nita realized with a start that it was nighttime, and completely dark inside Dairine's room save for the moonlight and street lights outside. "Okay. Okay, that's fine. I'll just... Anyhow, that's how Kit and I found you — on the edge of reaching a state of being not quite dead but not quite alive, either. We managed to halt the kernel's spell and, well, used our own. A temporary stasis. The same one we used on Ronan to get him to Matt, the freezing one? But the kernel's spell was too strong to hold that one in place permanently. And then, um." She coughed, and cleared her throat, before sighing and forcing out: "And then, Kit decided he would, well... Kit switched places. Bodies. With you. So he'd be the one trapped instead."

He what?

It was the incredulousness that triggered the memories, and when they returned it was far, far worse than the flood that swept the cave into ocean. The kernel, its pain, the water creeping over the shield spell as it flitted into nonexistence —

And Kit.

I heard him — I told him not to — but then he did —

And so now I'm... him?

She hadn't noticed when Dairine had left the swivel chair in favor of perching on the edge of her own bed, next to Nita, but now the gaze with which Dairine fixed her was positively hesitant. That more than anything pulled her out of her fear: Dairine's own.

"Oh my god," Nita whispered, except it wasn't her voice that she heard at all.

Dairine gave her a tight-lipped smile. "Yeah."

How do I get Kit back? And, in the meantime, how do I even deal with this?

A strained silence settled, ringing with all the questions Nita suddenly found shouting in her mind. How would she tell her parents? Kit's parents? All of their families, especially — Oh Lord — Helena? Should she even tell them? How would she even be able to take care of... the hygenic side of things? Should she, or would that be an unforgivable violation of Kit's already-dubious-given-mindlink privacy?

It was a good thing it was dark, Nita realized, or she would probably be entertaining many more horrified thoughts.

It's too much, there're too many implications, I can't deal with — !

Especially not after we just admitted that we — !

No no no no no. No. One thing at a time... !

"Dair," she said, trying not to cringe at the sound of her own panic, "What do I do?"

Dairine leaned forward, elbows on her knees as she rested her chin in her hands. "I don't think you can hide it, or pretend to be Kit, that's for sure. But..."

"But what?"

"We can go to Tom and Carl first. They'll get a kick out of this, if anything."

Nita fought the urge to scream. "Dairine, seriously!"

"I'm kidding! But also not really. But also also, they've always been our first line of inquiry — if we want to make it out of this one too, why should we treat it any different?" Dairine sighed noisily and turned, sitting criss-crossed to face Nita and look her in the eye. "Nita, we can't just sit around while Kit's just lying there on Wellakh. We need to start somewhere, and Tom and Carl are the first ones who came to mind. So snap out of it because if you want Kit back, we need to get going. The longer he's there..." She trailed off, but Nita knew exactly what she was implying.

"I just — the logistics," Nita said desperately. "This is Kit's body, I can't — I'm not going to —" And she cut herself off there, because if she finished that sentence she was really going to lose it.

Dairine was trying and failing to fight a smile when she said, "Just use wizardry, I guess. Cloaking spell of some kind might work? Might want to check the manual on, you know, situations like this."

Nita glared at her. "You know just as well as I do that the details and specifications involved in creating a cloaking spell for this situation would be just as mortifying as not using one at all."

Dairine shrugged and slipped off her bed onto the floor, standing to cross her arms as she faced Nita. "Either way you've got to pick your poison, and you should do it fast; and then we gotta get going to Tom and Carl's." She picked up Spot and folded him under her arm. "I'll leave you alone to make your choice and figure it out, come down to the living room when you're ready to leave."

And then Dairine paused, halfway in and halfway out, weighing her words. A wave of deja vu washed over Nita, recognizing the careful hesitancy from the morning she'd asked for Ponch's leash spell.

This is so not like her.

(And that, above all, was truly terrifying.)

"Nita?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

(And she had to work to contain her reaction, again, because god that sounded as if Kit was right next to us just talking like normal —)

"I'm sorry. I really, really am. None of this would have happened if I'd just have come up with an alternative of some kind —" Dairine stopped herself with an aggravated sound, frustrated and wounded and god this is just so unlike her, Nita thought, a different kind of pain stealing through her throat.

"It's not your fault, Dair."

"Maybe not all of it, but I feel like I've played into Its hands all over. And... just when you and Kit had finally come close to figuring things out, you know?" She ploughed on before Nita could indignantly ask her exactly what she meant by that. "I'm sorry. You and Kit — you guys deserve to be happy, not... this. Anyway." Dairine made a sound halfway between a huff and a cough, and entirely self-conscious. "Let me know when you're ready to go. It's only eight, so we'll just barge in on Tom and Carl and it should be fine. I'll be downstairs."

With that, Nita was left alone with her pained helplessness and raging embarrassment, because although Dairine had graciously given her the privilege of privacy as Nita suffered, it felt as though all the Powers had Their eyes concentrated on her at this very moment.

I vote for a spell, said a quiet voice at the back of her mind. At least you're spared from the physicalities of the situation.

Nita blinked hard. Bobo! You're here? Where the heck have you been this whole time?!

When I was needed, you mean? I was as overtaken by the kernel as you were. But after that? Simply observing, wizardry said snidely. And going through the manual to see what I can find.

Nita sighed inwardly. Sorry, I'm just... everything's so much right now. Did you find anything?

There is a modified cloaking spell designed to... spare the user from the most arduous anatomical ramifications of this ordeal. Bobo's voice trended towards amusement. After all, you two aren't the first to have a body switch happen, whether it be by accident or intention. Regardless, muscle memory can be tapped to take over to complete tasks you deem private to Kit. You just need to fill in some blanks.

Oh god, Nita thought, panicked horror rising again in her throat. 'Some blanks'? Which blanks?!

Physical information. Measurements. Description. Specifying the subject, as per usual protocol —

Nita felt the panic rearing, flooding, sweeping her away. Bobo, wait, I can't, I'm not going to look at —

She could feel the peridexis' faint amusement. I'm just stringing you along, don't mind me. You can name him, and I can take care of the rest.

You and Dairine will be the death of me, Nita complained, almost shaking from the relief that washed over her annoyance. This really isn't funny... !

You must admit, from an outside perspective it is a rather amusing situation; but you are right in that we shouldn't be indulging in laughing about it at the moment. Give me Kit's name, and hold still.

Nita closed her eyes and ran the syllables of Kit's full name in the Speech through her mind, and — with a depth of gratitude she didn't know she was capable of before — gave in to the wizardry.


Oh Kit, why did you go so far?

I know you care, I know you — don't want to lose me, but... !

I don't even want to think about if I lose you, too —

No, stop, don't be pathetic... we've always had Fortune on our side, haven't we? We're going to make it out, make everything work, just like always —

But, but, but.

But.

What if we don't?


"I have so many questions," was the first greeting Nita and Dairine received upon reaching their destination, and it wasn't even from a human being.

"Dai," they said simultaneously to the koi, and Nita was relieved to note that she wasn't the only one who sounded weary. "Sorry, can those questions wait? We're in a bit of a time crunch here."

"Oh yes, of course," the koi said drily, "Do go on and rescue what is rightfully yours before it's too late!" And the calico head disappeared beneath the surface of the pond without so much as a dai in farewell.

Nita stared at the spot where the koi had been, dumbstruck.

What is 'rightfully mine?'

What — he can't possibly be talking about — that's ridiculous, Kit doesn't belong to me, what kind of outdated thinking is that — ?!

Or maybe, Bobo supplied helpfully, he wasn't referring to Kit himself, but rather a... concept that is tied to him. And belongs, perhaps rightfully, to you — if Kit's communications with you are anything to go off of.

First my sister, then the koi, and now you too, Nita thought furiously, trying to fight the flush she knew was getting the better of her face as she and Dairine stepped up to ring the doorbell. I can't believe this.

Believe it, Bobo replied drily. This is your reality: someone you care more deeply about than you care to admit is in danger, and a side effect of such is that all in your vicinity will likely take advantage of your indecisive vagueness to render your refusal of the truth with good-natured mockery.

With significant effort, Nita suppressed her mental reflex to shout back at the peridexis and pay more attention to what was happening in front of her — namely, the door opening to a faintly bemused Tom and Dairine speaking for the both of them when he asked them why they were there at night on a summer weekend of all times. Without much thought, Nita stepped over the threshold and into the familiar living room with Dairine, who kept shooting her pointed stares most likely intended to remind her she shouldn't be zoning out, not here, not now.

Even as they settled down onto a couch together, Nita was elsewhere.

She knew, deep down, that Bobo was more right than she was willing to admit. Maybe if she'd been more straightforward with Kit, he wouldn't have made the choices that he did. Maybe if she'd been braver about simply saying the truth she knew, she wouldn't have been so reckless with charging headfirst into an errantry involving a kernel she barely knew. Maybe if she had just spoken

"In silence, the word," Bobo supplied unhelpfully.

Now is not the time to be quoting things at me, Nita thought back furiously, but the anger was merely a gust of the storm her mind was brewing in loathing of herself, not the peridexis. I hate not being able to do anything right now. I hate that Kit's in danger because of me. I hate this. So just stop rubbing the fact in my face that I've been, I don't know, beyond stupid to be as much as a coward as I've been!

"Nita?" Dairine said softly, somewhere from reality.

She blinked to meet her sister's startled gaze, and realized that Dairine wasn't the only one: there was also the vague concern from Carl — who had apparently joined them while Nita was engaged in mental warfare — and frowning contemplation from Tom.

"Thinking deep thoughts?" Tom asked lightly, but the narrowed look in his eyes lingered.

Nita sighed quietly and folded her arms around herself, startling slightly at the sensation because aghhh, there it is again, another anatomical difference my brain just can't get over —

"I'm thinking about how stupid I am," she admitted slowly. "It's... god, everything's most likely my fault."

"From what Dairine has told me about the errantry, I think this case is actually quite the contrary," Carl replied, faintly amused. "You and Kit seem to have played pretty equal roles in getting into this far of a mess."

It was enough to lure a half-hearted eyeroll from Nita. "Thanks."

"I'm serious," Carl said firmly, sensing her retreat. "Actually, when Dairine was briefing me on this errantry something occurred to me and now it won't leave me alone. But I can't — I won't — tell you about it if you're not going to take it and do something useful with it."

Underneath the vague threat Nita knew what he was saying was Stop it with the self-pity, because the only thing that'll do is hurt you and Kit, but something fierce and far, far louder was rearing through her chest, pounding along the cliff of her own resentment.

Stupid, it roared as it whirled by the sea of her internal turmoil, stupid, stupid, reckless stupid —

(And suddenly it occurred to her that this time she was the kernel, the storm; and for the first time, she began to learn what it felt like to drown.)

Nita breathed in and fought everything down.

For Kit. For you — for everyone who's seen us get this far.

"I'm listening," she said, finally, with rooted steadiness she didn't have.

Tom and Carl eyed her before exchanging a glance, as if deciding she had passed a test she didn't know she was being given. The glance asked, Is she telling the truth? It asked, Is she really ready, or... ?

The glance asked, Will she actually? Or will she hear absolutely nothing and completely screw up everything, again?

Nita mentally smacked herself, trying to shut down that train of thought before it got any farther. No, stop — that kind of thinking is exactly what is not going to help you —

At last Carl cleared his throat, fixing his gaze on her with the grounded sternness she was so longing to feel herself.

"Dairine mentioned the rather personal link that you and Kit had to this particular errantry — with both Kit's possession of the leash-spell-turned-rafting-spell and Dairine's own connection to Wellakh, I mean. Anyway, this personal link. It's rather similar to the link you had to Mars, isn't it? Your link to the kernel, Kit's link to the leash spell."

Nita gave him a dubious look. "But... isn't that just how errantries are supposed to work? If we're the best solution, then obviously..." She trailed off as the realization slowly dawned on her, and she blinked very hard.

Tom and Carl exchanged another look, and Nita felt Dairine shift next to her. A beat passed, and then: "I think both of you know what we suspected," Tom said.

"Yeah," Nita said quietly. "It — Well, what you're thinking is that something's up because the connection is the same, right? And so the solution..."

"Exactly. So, then, something about the nature of this solution is also very similar to the nature of your prior errantry." Tom shrugged and rubbed his hands together, as though purely out of the desire to do something with them. "I suggest you think long and hard about what resolved the Mars incident, and see how that ties in to this."

"I mean... Well. Okay." Nita bit her lip pensively, trying to dredge up the memories of her confrontation of Aurilelde and the rest of the city. "I guess the whole thing stood out to me was because there wasn't, I don't know, any crazy difficult wizardry involved? The stakes were high, yeah, it was the whole planet, but... It's pretty ironic, really, because all it took was for her to come clean about her relationship to the kernel, and the planet, and Khretef I guess, but it wasn't like we had to create a whole new —"

"Wait, wait, wait," Dairine said loudly, waving her hands at Nita to cut her off — which Nita did, startled by her sister's sudden reaction. "Wait. Did you — you just said, she had to come clean about her relationship? To the kernel, the planet, and Khretef?"

Nita blinked, and mortification began stealing across her face as her wording was relayed back to her. "Um."

Very quietly, but in a way most unbefitting of a Senior wizard, Carl started sniggering.

Dairine clapped her hands, a slow grin starting to spread in a way also unbefitting of someone whose sister was facing a crisis for Powers' sakes, and folded her arms around her knees as she drew her feet up to the edge of the couch. "That's it. That's the solution — you gotta come clean."

"What?"

Dairine huffed in disbelief. "You heard me! You gotta come clean. All the way, no inhibition. 'The truth will set us free,' or whatever — that's what has to happen."

Something cold was beginning to settle itself into Nita's feet and hands, writhing through her limbs and leaving her body laden with ice. And something even colder followed when she remembered with startling clarity that this, in fact, was not even her body, and that was exactly what the problem was.

"About what?" she asked incredulously, but it was purely for show.

Oh, she knew. She knew.

And, with horror, Nita realized the cold something curling through her was, in fact, none but terror.

What if this doesn't work what if I mess up what if we're totally wrong about the whole thing what if what if what if —

What if he doesn't really agree?

"Nita."

She looked up, barely in time to catch Tom and Carl exchanging another glance.

(They really need to stop doing that, she thought to herself, the slight annoyance pulling her back towards reality. It's like they're talking about me behind my back, but right in front of me.)

"Regardless of what happens," Tom said slowly, "You need to remember something. That this is Kit you're dealing with, and, well, he wouldn't do something like this without a reason. ...A very good reason."

Nita's breath caught in her throat, and something inside her chest wailed pain. But is that reason what I want it to be?!

Carl gave her a leveling look, holding her gaze carefully.

"You trust him; he trusts you. Isn't that what matters?"


That night, she went back to Wellakh.

It was so simple: Dairine was exhausted and sound asleep, even though she'd specifically warned Nita "not to try anything yet because who knows what'll happen if you go back and the kernel absolutely loses it"; the Rodriguez household, satisfied with Dairine's half-truth of Kit's absence due to an overnight errantry on Wellakh, was also sound asleep; and the worldgating closet was right there — not to mention that any worries Nita had about accidentally waking 'Mela were appeased by news that she was on some kind of weeklong trip at the Crossings.

Everything could be so, so simple.

She had gotten them into this mess, she could get them out. And without dragging in any others when this entire situation should've remained between her and Kit in the first place.

Simple.


Fear death by water, Nita thought drily to herself as she once again entered that impossible sea. Yeah, 'fear death by water,' but not 'torture by kernel'...

Unsurprisingly, Kit was nowhere to be seen. She moved around the cave cautiously, guiding the bubble of her shield spell with murmured words of the Speech. Its light reflected and fragmented, panes of stone and earth turned mirrors in a drowning maze.

The kernel, she thought slowly. When I reached out to it last time, I — what did I do? ...Bobo?

Once more, the peridexis was silent.

Silent, or silenced? Nita wondered, and fear slipped through her like water. No. No, I will not freak out, not now, especially not now when I might have a shot at getting us out of this mess —

Nita pressed her lips together, glancing around the cave and upward at the silk-lines of the refractions of the water's surface warping the light of her spell. The kernel's glow was noticeably absent from the crystal in the center of the cavern, and she didn't have any leads for where it could be otherwise. Great.

She breathed in, closed her eyes, and tried the next best thing she could think of.

Kit?

The silence was deafening.

Nita opened her eyes and suppressed a frustrated sigh. Of course, things weren't so simple in the end, were they?

But I can't just give up here, what if — Okay. Let's do this.

She steeled herself and waited, letting the thought build: all her frustration, her fear, her pained self-deprecation because why, why had they been so careless —

Kit, Nita thought, and it sank through the water around her. Kit, she repeated, more insistently, and she reached, with every fiber of her being, every cell, every atom — I'm listening.

And through that treacherous water:

Nita?

The ocean trembled, and Nita closed her eyes.


Nita?

Kit! She couldn't help the relief that swept over her fear. Kit, oh my god — yeah, it's me, are you okay?

I'm — well, I'm not sure, but I think I'm okay. But Neets, wait, how — how did you even get here?

Kit, are you joking? Does that even matter? Do you think you can — ?

Nita, wait. Wait. We should think this through.

She hesitated, an inexplicable frustration building deep inside her mind. You mean — like the way we didn't think this errantry through?

For some strange reason, Kit's pained reluctance pained her, too. ...Unfortunately.

Okay. Fine. I just — Kit, I think I know how to get us out of here.

I'm —

Nita frowned, her eyes still pressed shut. Kit?

His presence faded in again. Sorry, I don't — maybe it's the kernel, I don't know, but, Neets. I'm listening.

She couldn't help it: You still trust me?

Neets — Kit's voice faltered, staticky and muffled. Neets, that's never been a question, and it's not about to be here or now. Of course I do, you — you know that, right?

So many questions, and never did she have all the answers, did she? So, so easy to drown in that impossible sea of her own.

Nita breathed in, stilled. Kit, I need to tell you something.

And then her mind split into flame.


Her first thought was, incredibly, one of dry acceptance: Of course the Powers just won't give us an easy break, because that'd be too damn easy wouldn't it?!

Her second, though, was: This feels like the kernel.

Desperately, she tried to fling out her thoughts toward that angry accusation, fighting through that inferno to say in as many ways she knew how a single word: Please.

Nita felt the fire still.

Please, she tried again. I'm not — I'm here to fix things. Your way... to talk to Kit. Will you let me?

Again the flames flared up, roaring like a waterfall, and even as she felt herself waking up from the dream her own voice returned to her:

Then will you tell the truth?


And she was, unceremoniously, dumped back into the closet.

Nita gave herself approximately two minutes to fume internally over how godawful her attempt on Wellakh had gone before resigning to her growing despair and scrubbing at her face. God, this isn't — this isn't even the worst situation we've been in! It's just a matter of convincing a kernel, and I can't even do that?! How is this somehow more difficult than fighting the Lone Power head-on?

Because this is different, Bobo replied drily, because this is Kit. Right?

Nita gritted her teeth, breathed out.

Bobo sounded impossibly smug. Exactly.

Eventually, Nita gathered enough dignity and resolve to spark her wizard's light and quietly fumble her way out of the transit closet and crumple to the floor, head in hands — none of which were hers. She swallowed drily, closing her eyes, pointless in the dark of the room. I really need to vent to someone. And tell someone other than Tom and Carl about this whole mess. Someone who'd keep quiet about the whole thing, preferably. Someone I can trust. Someone close enough that I don't need to waste tons of energy going anywhere crazy far. But who would... ?

And it hit her, sudden and cold, how much it felt like the whole Universe was out to mock her with this — how normally, Kit was the one she would go to, the only person who knew her in all rages and tears, the only person she had saved and been saved by, over and over, whether it be on errantry or off.

And he was not here.

No — stop thinking like that, it'll work out, just, stop —

So, so easy to drown in that impossible sea.

Nita opened her eyes, tipped her head up, breathed in. We can fix this. It's just a kernel. It's not like I haven't worked with them before — get it together, Callahan.

When she finally stood up, resolute, there was nothing more in the world that Nita longed for in that moment than to turn and see him standing there, waiting for her — but all that was there was a mirror hanging from the wall, sharp in the wizard's light, reflecting a Kit that was not.

Nita allowed herself another moment of frustration and closed her eyes. Then:

Someone's here, Bobo said quietly.

Nita's eyes flew open. What?

There was a muffled whump of misplaced air, then the sound of the closet door easing open.

Did the kernel send something after me?!

Nita whirled around, shield spell already loaded —

— only to meet the startled face of Carmela Rodriguez, eyes wide with surprise.

"Kit? Why're you in my room?"


A/N: HELLO AGAIN! A few tumultuous years (okay, it's been a little over a year and a half, but still) and two failed drafts later, I return as promised! This fic has become somewhat of a personal test for me, as I have never so strongly felt the urge to give in to "I'll just abandon it and work on my other stuff" as often as I have while writing this fic. So this update, well — this is victory! For me! And you! Winners all around! (Shh I'm lowkey dying cousins seriously this was such a hard chapter for me holy cow this was almost 5k words in itself what a monster)

To my fellow and long-suffering co-writer, ObeliskX: This is for you, cousin! (I am so so sorry asdllakdjflskd) Surprise! I hope you like it :D

I will add, though, that writing fic is not my priority in life (unfortunately this spot is taken by university/academics, hooray), so please do expect long periods between updates while I do my best to ensure every chapter is quality and not, like, "here's some BS to satisfy the brainless masses." No! That is not how I roll! Please bear with me! Thank and have a lovely day!