Hey everyone! I apologize for this being a bit late! Let me just say that working retail during Black Friday week in the middle of a pandemic is so not fun and is very exhusting. I don't know how busy this month is going to be, but I will try to get the next chapter written and posted by the 31st!

Also, I wanted to get this chapter right the first time. I have been planning this part of the story since almost the beginning, although it has changed quite a lot (thanks in part to a review/comment on an earlier chapter). I don't think that the medical stuff is entirely accurate, but I was trying not to do excessive research while also moving the story along.

This chapter starts as a sort of parallel of the previous chapter, so Sharon is still around 20 weeks pregnant.

Trigger warnings: self-harm, talk of suicide, depression, antidepressants.

Enjoy!


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Chapter 15

*Wednesday July 7th*

As Henry entered the house, he was too annoyed to realize that Sharon was not on the couch when he started talking. "Sharon, have you seen my…."

He frowned when the room appeared empty at first glance. He shook his head and was about to head upstairs, when he heard some bottles clink together. With a roll of his eyes, he turned towards the drink bar. "Sharon! What the hell are you doing?!"

Sharon flinched and hit her head as she stood up. "Hey Dad, whatcha doing home so soon? Was there no line at the sub shop?"

"I forgot my wallet. What the hell are you doing behind there?!" He crossed his arms. "I know you're not mixing a drink."

"I was, um, looking for my bouncy ball. You know how fast and bouncy those things are." She tried to smile innocently.

"Cut the crap, Sharon. Were you looking for your motorcycle keys?"

"Why do you care, it's my motorcycle!" Sharon crossed her arms.

"Because you're pregnant and can't be risking your life like that!"

"I need a freaking break! If it's not you hovering over me, it's Lassie or Gus or even Jules! I need some quiet time outside that isn't interrupted by screaming and laughing children on the beach!"

"You can't ride your motorcycle right now, Sharon! It's too dangerous!"

"Dad! You just don't get it! I'm suffocating right now! Everyone either treats me as a piece of glass or like a child!"

"You are pregnant and also recovering from a concussion!"

"I need some space!" Sharon shouted as she slapped the countertop.

"Then let me drive you somewhere."

"I don't need a damn chaperone!" She glared and walked around the counter. "Just leave me alone, Dad!"

"You can't run away from your problems, Shawn!"

"Watch me!" Sharon growled as she stormed out the front door.

Henry groaned and was about to follow her outside when he heard Sharon talking and Carlton reply. "Good!" Henry muttered as he started looking for his wallet. "He can deal with her."

As Henry was checking the kitchen, he heard the front open and then promptly slam.

"Sharon!" Henry groaned. "What have I told you about slamming doors?!" He got no response as Sharon quickly ran upstairs. Taking a few breaths, Henry counted to ten as he barely resisted the urge to hit something. He heard the bedroom door slam, and decided to go see what else happened.

"Sharon?" Henry called out as he slowly made his way up the stairs. "I heard you talking with Carlton outside, is everything okay?" Henry hesitated at the bedroom door. "Sharon, do you want to talk about it?" Finding the door unlocked, Henry asked one last time, "Are you okay?"

Opening the door, Henry froze for a second before rushing forward. "Sharon, stop!"

Sharon shook her head as she tried to cut off more of her hair. "No, let me do this!"

"This is not the answer! Stop it!"

"What's the point?!" She cried between gasps of breaths. "I'm a freak. And Sharon makes ev-everything so much more complicated! I don't, don't want to be Sharon anymore! I just want, want to be Shawn."

"This will not solve anything! You have a baby to worry about."

"I never as-asked to be pregnant."

"I know."

"I don't wanna be a crazy freak."

"You're not! You're my...kid."

"See! Even you don't know what to call me! How am I supposed to expect Lassie to understand! I don't want to be Sharon anymore!"

Unable to reach more of her hair, Sharon managed to maneuver the scissors to her arm and slice a jagged line down the inside of her left wrist before Henry was able to get the scissors away from her.

Grabbing a nearby shirt, Henry quickly wrapped the cut before placing both of Sharon's hands onto her growing belly. "You feel that? This kid growing inside of you needs you to be Sharon for just a few months longer."

"I can barely take care of myself, I can't take care of a baby." Sharon started crying.

"You're not alone, you have me, Gus, and Carlton."

"Lassie doesn't believe me, he thinks I'm crazy."

"It's a lot to take in; just give him some time." Henry pulled her into a tight hug.

Sharon struggled for a few seconds, before giving up and collapsing into the hug. "Lassie hates me."

"I don't think that's true."

"He called me a liar and a fraud and accused me of being crazy."

"Did you tell him the truth?"

"I tried; he didn't believe me."

"He's in shock. We just need to give him more evidence, he'll come around."

"What if he doesn't and I'm stuck as Sharon forever?!"

"That won't happen! Let's just take everything one day at a time, okay?"

"I just don't want to be Sharon anymore."

"I know, but we can't change that right now. How about you sit down on the bed and we take care of that cut?"

Sharon just sighed as she basically fell onto the bed and shook slightly.

"Just apply pressure and don't move; I'll be right back with the first aid kit." Henry said as he placed Sharon's right hand over the bloody shirt.

Henry quickly ran into the bathroom and grabbed the emergency first aid kit. Checking to make sure it had everything he needed, Henry hurried back into the bedroom. He sat down on the bed and gently took Sharon's injured arm. "Let's have a look at that, shall we?" He slowly unwrapped the shirt and sighed at what he saw. "I think you need stitches."

"No hospital." Sharon mumbled as she shivered.

"You got yourself pretty deep there, kid. How about I call Erma, okay? See if she can come over?"

Sharon just nodded so Henry took out the antibacterial wipes and cleaned as much as he could before wrapping her arm in clean gauze. "Come on, kid. We need to head downstairs so I can get my cell phone."


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As Gus entered the Spencer household through the kitchen, he encountered Henry pacing while on the phone.

"Look, Maddie! It's not my fault! How was I supposed to know that she stopped taking her antidepressants!... She's old enough to monitor her own pill schedule!..."

When Henry noticed Gus, he lowered the phone and whispered, "She's in the living room, I'll be outside."

Gus found Sharon curled up on the couch, cocooned in a blanket. "Hey Sharon."

"Hey Gus," she replied flatly.

"What are you watching?"

Sharon shrugged, "Sixteen Candles."

"Cool. Have they gone to the dance yet?"

"Nope. Wanna watch?"

"Sure." Gus sat down in the middle of the couch since Sharon was against an armrest. After a few seconds, Gus noticed that there was no sound. "Hey, did you mute it?"

"Yeah. I wanted to see if I could remember every single word of dialogue. Turns out I can."

"Well, not all of us have an eidetic memory; so do you mind turning the sound back on for me?"

"But Gus! I only asked if you wanted to watch it, I didn't say anything about hearing it!"

"Sharon! You know damn well…." Gus trailed off as he noticed the slight smile on her face. "You muted it as soon as I walked in, didn't you?!"

Sharon shook her head. "No, I really was testing my memory. Maybe we need to test your memory, since you seem to have forgotten that this is one of the ways that I recenter myself after a panic attack."

Gus sighed, "Sorry. It's just, with the way your dad is acting, I thought you would be a bit more catatonic right now."

Sharon's smile dropped and she turned back to the movie. "Well, he's in over-protective Papa Bear mode right now as he tries not to freak out."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shrugged, "There's not much to say."

"You always say that when you don't want me to know the details. Or if you're not 100% back yet. How about I ask you the important questions now to get them over with?"

"Shoot."

"Did you purposely self-harm?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"To distract my brain with something real outside of my thoughts."

"Are you suicidal?"

"No."

"Are you in danger of self harming in the near future?"

"I don't think so."

"Do you need a change of location?"

"Can we go to my beach?"

"Yeah. When do you want to go?"

"When the movie is over."

"Okay. Are you hungry?"

"A little."

"I'll grab some popcorn." Gus squeezed her shoulder before standing. As he entered the kitchen, he heard the television volume turn up.


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When they got to the beach, Sharon took off her sandals and started fast walking laps in the sand, while Gus sat on a bench and tried to concentrate on the information packet for the new drugs his company would be selling.

After a half hour, Sharon collapsed on the bench next to Gus. Gus wordlessly handed her a lunch bag that had water and snacks. "Thanks," she whispered as she took out a water bottle and an orange.

It was another ten minutes before she spoke. "So my dad and I got into a fight. You know how restless I get from inactivity, and my concussion symptoms finally abated enough that I could do more than just a walk around the block. I wasn't really thinking, I just wanted out of the house on my own for once, and started looking for my motorcycle keys. My dad caught me, we started fighting and yelling, then I stormed out of the house; only to find Lassie on the porch. He had heard part of the argument, including us calling each other Dad and Shawn. He confronted me about it and threatened to leave. So I told him the truth, but he doesn't believe me. He accused me of being crazy and threatened to abandon me if I didn't tell him the truth. And I freaked out, had a panic attack, and blacked out for a bit. I remember Lassie walking away, me running up to my room and grabbing the scissors, and then nothing until Erma showed up. My hair is all messed up and I have a jagged cut on my wrist, but I don't remember doing it."

"Your dad mentioned you haven't been taking your antidepressants? For how long?"

Sharon shrugged, "Since I ran out and didn't bother getting a new prescription; so maybe a month?"

"And did you wean yourself off or stop cold turkey?"

"A bit of both. I stretched the last bit out for a few more days, but it did feel a bit rushed."

Gus shook his head as he handed her a pill bottle. "Here, take one now and another in about 8 hours."

"Gus! I know I tease you about being a pill pusher, but I didn't think that you actually do it!"

"It's your prescription! I always keep a dozen pills, just in case you do something stupid like leave your bottle at a one night stand's place, or forget to call in a refill on time."

"Dude, that happened once!"

"I can recall at least half a dozen times, actually."

Sharon just rolled her eyes as she took a pill and drank some water.

"You better drink all of that bottle," Gus ordered as he returned to his information packet. "And put on some damn sunscreen! I don't need you complaining later because you got sunburned!"

"Fine! But then I'm going swimming!"

"You can't get your stitches wet! So don't go any farther than the knee deep."

Sharon rolled her eyes as she took out the sun screen. "Yes, mother."


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They were eating tacos at the Psych office when Gus's cell phone rang. "It's your mom."

Sharon sighed and gestured for the phone. "Hey Mom…. yeah, I'm okay now...just hanging out with Gus, eating tacos….yeah, I know….well, it's never just one thing….not yet….he's kind of upset right now….no, I'm not surprised….just bad timing….yeah, a break would be nice…. can Gus come too?... okay, I'll let you know…. thanks Mom….bye."

Ending the phone call, Sharon turned to Gus. "So, wanna visit my mom this weekend?"

"Just the weekend?"

"Well, I'm going to stay longer, but I figured you would need to be back for work on Monday."

"I'll think about it."

"My mom said that she'll pay for your ticket. We can go to the airport Friday morning after my appointment. Or we can skip the appointment all together."

"You need the appointment so you can get a new prescription for your antidepressants. Your dad already bumped it up by a week, you shouldn't cancel it."

"Fine, we can leave after the appointment. What time is it for, anyways?"

"7am."

"Eww!"

"It's the only time she could squeeze you in."

"Well, I guess I can try to sleep on the plane."

"Are you going to tell Lassiter that you're leaving?"

"No."

"Sharon!"

"What?! He needs time to cool off and I still don't have a new phone."

"I don't think that running off without telling him is a good idea."

"Here, how about I set a reminder for 8pm on Friday night for me to text Lassie."

"I guess that's better than nothing."

"I need to borrow your phone." Sharon held out her hand.

Gus sighed as he complied. "Your new phone better come tomorrow."


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Once they arrived back at Henry's driveway, Gus turned off the engine and looked at Sharon. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, Gus. I'll be fine!" Sharon replied as she checked her newly fixed hair.

"I can call off work tomorrow and we can take a day trip somewhere."

"I promise you that I will be okay. Just pick me up for dinner so I can sleep at your place."

"Alright. I'll be back by 6pm tomorrow night, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks Gus." Sharon gave him a small smile as she got out of the car.


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*Friday, July 9th - Canada*

"Goose!" Madeleine squealed once she spotted Sharon and Gus exiting the airport.

"Mom!" Sharon grinned as she jogged over and wrapped her mom in a hug. "I've missed you!"

"It hasn't been that long, Sweetie."

"It just feels like it, especially after being surrounded by all of that testosterone."

"Hey!" Gus exclaimed.

Madeleine laughed as they pulled apart. "And look at this baby bump!"

"Yeah, it's getting bigger every day! I had trouble finding clothes to pack!"

"Oh! Be careful what you wish for, Goose! Because you just gave me an excuse to take you shopping!" Madeline smiled as she led the way to her car.

Sharon groaned, "Do we have to?! Can't you just buy clothes without me?"

"Goose, I need you there to try on the clothes so I can see which ones work better for your body shape and complexion."

"Fine. But can it at least wait until after Gus leaves? I promised him a vacation."

"Very well. I don't like shopping on the weekends, anyways. I have a few clients Monday morning, but we can go in the afternoon."

"Sounds like a plan. So, what's for dinner?" Sharon asked as they put their bags in the trunk of her car.

"Your favorite: chicken and pineapple pasta. It's in the slow cooker right now and should be ready in a half hour."

"Mom, have I mentioned lately how much I love and appreciate you?!"

Gus nodded, "Ditto, Mrs. Spencer."

"Yes, but it's always nice to be reminded."Madeleine smiled as they got into the car.


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After spending 3 hours at the mall Monday afternoon, they decided that picking up a pizza would be the best option for dinner. As Sharon slowly worked on eating her half of the pizza, Madeleine refilled the water glasses.

"So, are you ready to talk about what happened last week?" Madeleine asked.

"Mom!" Sharon groaned and tossed a half-eaten piece of crust on her plate. "Do we have to?!"

"Yes. I already put it off a couple of days while Gus was here; but I need to know if you will be okay by yourself this week, or if you need to come to the office with me. I have a full schedule, so I would only be able to see you in the evenings if you stay at the house."

"Mom, do you really think that Gus would have left me here if he didn't think I was okay?"

"Gus is not a psychiatrist."

"No, but he is my best friend and has been there with me for every up and down. Both he and Dr Jen have both explained to me the importance of staying on my meds. And Gus says he's going to pay more attention to my refills."

"Alright." She took a sip of water before continuing. "Then how about we talk about what happened with Carlton Lassiter."

Sharon shrugged and started tearing apart the discarded pizza crust. "Well, I guess I shouldn't really be shocked by his reaction, but it still hurt when he called me crazy."

"And have you talked to him since?"

"No. My replacement phone finally came on Thursday, but after setting it up, I was too scared to look at any messages, so it's been off this whole time."

"What reaction are you so scared of?"

"That he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby. That he never wants to see me ever again, Sharon or Shawn."

"But you haven't seen or talked to him since last Wednesday, right?"

"Obviously." She shrugged and kept her head down.

"Have you talked to your father?"

"No."

"Well, I have. And apparently Carlton stopped by your father's house Friday afternoon to see you."

"Really?" Sharon finally looked up.

"Yes. And when Carlton found out that you were gone, he gave your father a message to pass on to you. Do you want to know what he said?"

"Is it bad?"

Madeleine laughed, "No, it's actually really nice."

Sharon took a deep breath. "Okay."

"Carlton said that he believes you and cares about you and still wants to be a part of your life."

Sharon laughed shakily and covered her mouth.

Madeleine smiled, "I think you should call him and talk."

Sharon shook her head as a few tears escaped. "Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow."

"Alright. So, do you think you're okay staying here alone for the whole day? Or should you come with me to my office?"

"I think I'll be okay. I'll call you if I'm not and take a taxi over."

"Okay, sweetie."


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Sharon put off calling Carlton for days. She instead turned her focus towards what she would need for keeping a baby. As the list grew longer and the costs mounted, she realized that, even if she wanted to, she could not afford to live on her own while raising a baby. While she had saved up some money over the last two months while working cases, most of it will most likely be eaten up by hospital costs. She would have to take on a lot of cases before her due date in order to have any money for baby things.

A lot of her research suggested making a baby registry and having a baby shower, but Sharon did not have many friends as herself. She barely had more than a dozen actual friends as Shawn. Add to the fact that she still had not made a decision to keep the baby; she decided to just send the list to Gus for safekeeping. Gus would probably add or erase certain things, and maybe even start a baby shower registry for her if she decided to keep the baby.

Sharon also tried to focus on her box of cases the Chief had given her. She only brought her notebook and laptop to Canada, while her memory recalled the information from the case files. It kept her busy a couple of days, although there was only so much she could do when she was so far away; and Gus refused to do any legwork for her.


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*Saturday July 17th*

It was not until the weekend, 10 days since she had the confrontation with Carlton, that she finally got up the nerve to call him. Once again sitting out on the balcony, Sharon took some deep breaths as she listened to the phone ring. Right before it went to voicemail, it was finally picked up.

Neither one of them seemed to want to speak, and they just listened to each breathe for a few seconds. Finally, Sharon said a simple, "Hey."

"Hey." Carlton responded.

She opened and closed her mouth a few times before whispering, "How's the weather?"

"It's mid-July in California, so it's hot. I think it was about 84 degrees, although it has dropped about 10 degrees since sunset."

"Good. Here, it was in the high 60's and it rained. Just a light rain, so I took a walk."

"Did you have a coat or an umbrella?"

Sharon smiled, "I had a poncho and a baseball hat. It seems silly to buy a bigger coat for just a few random days of rain."

"Just don't get sick."

"I'll try not to."

They sat in silence again, until Carlton asked, "Did you get my messages?"

Sharon sighed, "Honestly, I've been too nervous to read any of your texts."

"I guess I can understand that, especially with how I first reacted. Did you get my message from Henry?"

"Kind of? He told my mom who then told me. So I can't really be sure how accurate it is."

"Okay, well." He took a deep breath. "After I tried to do some research and connected some dots, I must admit that I believe you. It's just the only explanation that makes sense, you know? Nothing else explains everything so neatly."

"I'm so sorry for lying and hiding the truth!"

"I can understand why you did. Everyone knows how much Shawn annoys me."

"Sorry."

"It's actually the perfect disguise. You should consider going into undercover work once you're...back to normal or whatever."

Sharon laughed. "I think it will be awhile before I try undercover work again; especially if I decide to keep the baby."

"You might not keep it?"

"I don't know." Sharon rubbed her face as she thought. "I'm not really a long-term planner; I usually take things one day, or one crisis, at a time. So I haven't spent too much time thinking about it. But I promise to discuss it with you before making any final decisions; but not right now, okay?"

"Okay. So, am I allowed to ask you how you are doing?"

"Yeah, um. I'm *sigh* I'm okay and safe. I'm back on my antidepressants, which are finally kicking in, and my mom has been doing a fair amount of therapy with me."

"That's good."

"Oh, speaking of kicking, I can feel the baby move now!"

"Really?! What does that feel like?"

"At first, it felt more like indigestion, so I didn't think about it much. I told Doc Jen about it last Friday, and she told me that it was the baby moving. Then, a couple of days ago, I felt an honest to God kick! It's kind of sporadic, so my mom hasn't felt it yet, but they seem to be a bit more active when I'm talking for long periods of time. Like they have kicked 4 times since I've been on the phone with you; the last two in the past few minutes."

"It sounds amazing."

"Yeah, as long as they don't kick my bladder! They've already done that once and it was not pretty."

Carlton laughed. "Mind if I ask when you are coming back?"

"Um, I'm not sure? I have an appointment with Doc Jen in a week and a half; so definitely by then."

"Should I keep that Friday open?"

"It's actually a Wednesday. Doc Jen has a week-long vacation planned, so she scheduled me for one of her last appointments before she leaves, around 5 or 5:30, I don't remember."

"Okay. Do you want me to come?"

"Well, she said that it would be a fairly short appointment, mainly just to check my vitals and see how I'm doing. So, you don't really have to take time off work."

"If it's late enough in the afternoon, I can just leave work early; assuming there aren't any urgent cases, of course."

Sharon laughed, "Nice to see I'm such a high priority!"

"Hey! I don't leave work early for just anyone, you know."

"I know. Thank you." She whispered sincerely.

"You're welcome." Carlton whispered back before sighing, "Look, I have to go…."

"It's like 9:30 at night! Don't tell me it's past your bedtime! Or do you have a hot date?!"

"No, I've got a stakeout tonight. I don't know how many nights it will last, so I probably won't be a very good conversationalist. But we do need to talk about what happened more in depth; preferably when I am not sleep-deprived."

"Okay. I'll, um, send you the information about my next appointment and we can talk afterwards if you're free."

"Sounds good. Well, have a good night."

"Thanks, you too. And please be careful!"

"You too. Bye."

"Bye." Sharon whispered before the call ended. She sat outside for a few more minutes, watching the moon occasionally peak out from behind the clouds, before heading inside.