Sweeney Todd Parody

Chapter Sixteen- Final Scene

This is it. The final chapter. I've come a long way since chapter one and I am determined to end this parody with a bang. I've had a TON of fun writing this, so much fun that I'm seriously considering making parodies of other movies that I know like the back of my hand. That pretty much covers it, Sweeney I love you but your ending makes me cry every time.

VerucaBeyotch- Thank you for reviewing this parody, it's been fun answering your questions and commenting back to you.

The spirits of Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett have been summoned, the stage is set. It's time to stop rambling on and start this already, I hope that all of you can survive the insanity that's to come, seeing as this is the last chapter I'm giving this parody everything I've got!

(It is exactly five minutes after "Not while I'm around". Mrs. Lovett is sitting peacefully next to Toby, when Toby suddenly stands up.)

Toby: I suggest we leave, that barber guy could come down at any moment and kill us.

Mrs. Lovett: Toby, I respect you and all but Mr. T would never hurt me!

Sweeney: I would totally hurt you, just like you hurt me!

Mrs. Lovett: Shut it, Mr. T, you're making Toby think were bad people!

Toby: You are bad people! You kill people and serve them to people in meat pies!

Mrs. Lovett: What was that? You want to come with me down to the bake house and help me make the meat pies that are totally not made out of people?

(Toby instantly forgets about everything he's learned about the meat pie business. Why should he care what goes into the pies when he gets to help make the meat pies? Toby has dreamed of this day for as long as he's lived.)

Toby: I would love to help you!

Mrs. Lovett: Cool. Follow me and I'll lead you the bake house, which I'm totally not going to lock you in so you can't go to that constable that strangely looks like Johnny Depp.

Toby: I know you would NEVER lock me in the bake house with the giant furnace, skeletons, and dead people!

Mrs. Lovett: Keep believing that Toby, it makes this a whole lot easier.

(Mrs. Lovett throws Toby inside the bake house, slams the door and locks it. The second she locks the door a faint melody of "Not while I'm around" can be heard.)

Mrs. Lovett: Dammit Uncle Jimmy! Now you've made me regret my actions!

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, that's my job.

Mrs. Lovett: I thought you job was to give the children your musical services, by the way if anyone ever wants to contact Uncle Jimmy is number is 1-800-UNKY-JMMY.

(Sweeney walks into the kitchen just as Uncle Jimmy disappears to return to Neverland to the lost boys.)

Sweeney: Did… Did he just disappear?

Mrs. Lovett: Nope! Say do you wanna check on Toby with me? I have the strongest feeling that he escaped into the sewers, and is waiting for the right moment to kill you.

Sweeney: Woman, you cray-cray but I'll go with you seeing as I have nothing else to do.

(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett skip merrily to the bake house; they happily open the door to discover that Toby is indeed missing.)

Mrs. Lovett: EY YO TOBY WHERE ARE YOU?!

Sweeney: TOBYYYYY WHERE ARRRRRRRE YOOOUUUU LOVE?

Mrs. Lovett: That's my line!

Sweeney: Well it's my line now!

Mrs. Lovett: I refuse to let you steal my line!

Sweeney: Oh yeah? Where is he? Look at that Lovett; I just stole another one of your precious lines!

(Mrs. Lovett gives a loud war cry and tackles Sweeney to the ground; Sweeney in return gives a high-pitched scream and tries to get Mrs. Lovett off him.)

Mrs. Lovett: MY LINE!

Sweeney: No! NO! YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHTS TO THESE LINES!

(Mrs. Lovett bitch slaps Sweeney and finally gets off him, she yanks out her magical rolling pin and is about to take further action when there's a knock at the door.)

Anthony: Yo! I actually did something right and rescued Johanna from that judge guy!

Sweeney: OMG! OMG! MAH DAUGHTER IS HERE! Wait a second, WAIT! I can't just run up those stairs and be like, "yo Johanna I'm your daddy" she'll freak the hecky out! What am I to do?! WHAT AM I TO DO, MRS. LOVETT?!

Mrs. Lovett: Chill, your daughter isn't going anywhere.

Anthony: Mrs. Lovett? Sweeney Todd? Can we enter? That judge guy is just around the corner and his outfit is scaring me!

(There's no answer for Mrs. Lovett is busy giving Sweeney a lecture on what to do with your newly returned daughter. Anthony shrugs and lets himself into the meat pie shop with Johanna.)

Anthony: We'll be safe-ish here; I gotta go and get a carriage so we can get the hecky outta here!

Johanna: We shall never be safe.

Anthony: Johanna, no one will recognize you in my old clothes.

(Johanna is dressed in one of the gayest outfits that any man could ever think of. She has six inch sparkly pink heels, golden bell bottom pants and a sparkly pink vest to match the shoes. She is wearing the same slot sunglasses that Judge Turpin was wearing and her hair is tucked into a Santa hat.)

Johanna: Even if we get away, the ghosts of my past will follow me.

Anthony: No ghost will follow you, we shall run away and all of our dreams will come true!

Johanna: I've never had dreams, only nightmares.

Anthony: Wow. Okay, that doesn't sound like a mentally stable person but who cares, you're pretty! I'll see you in like half an hour!

(Anthony runs out the door to get a carriage)

Johanna: Well I'm alone once more. There's only one thing to do while I'm alone, sing my song about all those bird metaphors!

(Johanna is about to sing "Green finch and Linnet Bird" when she suddenly hears someone on the stairs leading to the barber shop.)

Beggar Woman: ALMS, ALMS! SOMEONE GIVE ME ALMS ALREADY!

Johanna: Oh s*censor*! I don't have any alms!

(Johanna quickly climbs into the body sized trunk, the lid slams closed just as The Beggar Woman enters the barber shop.)

Beggar Woman: LEEDLE LEEDLE LEE!

Director: Um… That's not your line.

Beggar Woman: Oh right, sorry I just finished a SpongeBob marathon. YO BEADLE I SAW YOU, SO WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!

Director: That's not your line either, but I'll take it.

(The Beggar Woman quickly examines the barber shop in case The Beadle is hiding behind the dresser or inside the mirror. Little does The Beggar Woman know, The Beadle has already been taken care of by everyone's favorite neighborhood barber.)

Sweeney: Well that boy's a lost cause.

(Sweeney suddenly spots The Beggar Woman trying to open his secret drawer.)

Sweeney: Who are you? What are you doing here, and why are you TRYING TO OPEN MY SECRET DRAWER?!

Beggar Woman: That's not important right now, what is important is that your baker woman is totally the devil's wife and is doing bad things.

Sweeney: Everyone's welcome to their opinion, even if they're WRONG!

Beggar Woman: I'm always right. Wait a second, don't I know you mister?

Sweeney: Nope! I don't know you, so you don't know me!

Beggar Woman: Seems legit. You know if you were planning to cut my throat, you should totally do it now because that judge guy has just arrived.

Judge Turpin: EY YO MR. TODD! WHERE THE HELL IS MY HO?

Sweeney: YOU MEAN JOHANNA?

Judge Turpin: THAT WOULD BE MY HO ON THE GO!

Sweeney: How dare he treat my daughter like that! There's only one thing to do with my anger, kill innocent people!

(Sweeney quickly cuts The Beggar Woman's throat, she stands still as her blood drips down her neck. Sweeney presses the pedal down on his chair and The Beggar Woman falls down his trapdoor to the bake house.)

Sweeney: All's well ends well.

(Sweeney suddenly hears his body sized chest creak open. He whirls around and sees two eyes staring at him in fear.)

Sweeney: Hello there young one! I would kill you but the judge has just arrived and I've waited a really long time to kill him!

Judge Turpin: I'M COMING UP THESE REALLY UNSTABLE STAIRS! YOU BETTER NOT BE COVERED IN ANYTHING GROSS LIKE BLOOD!

Sweeney: Luckily for you I'm not covered in blood, not yet at least.

Johanna: I'm just going to hang out in this chest, kay?

Sweeney: That's cool with me.

(The door suddenly swings open as Judge Turpin poses fabulously in the doorway. He's wearing his swaggy clothes he glares at Sweeney when he sees him.)

Judge Turpin: Bitch, where's mah ho/daughter/wife?

Sweeney: Um… Um… That sailor boy didn't molest her, like you will and she's um… Downstairs with my friend. You really don't need to worry; she has learned her lesson and the error of her ways.

Judge Turpin: She has?

Johanna: No I haven't.

(Sweeney kicks the chest to get Johanna to shut up. Judge Turpin stares in confusion at the barber's actions.)

Sweeney: I have a cat in this chest that sometimes speaks.

Judge Turpin: Seems legit. How about that shave? I can't continue being the swaggiest judge in London with stubble.

Sweeney: AW YES! I mean sure, why not? Sit, sir, sit and I'll give you the closest shave EVER!

Judge Turpin: You wanna know what's nice? PRETTY WOMEN!

Sweeney: This song again? Whatever lets me get close enough to kill you. PRETTY WOMEN!

Judge Turpin: JOHANNA, JOHANNA!

Sweeney: I am going to kill you so hard for saying my daughter's name in that creepy voice of yours.

Judge Turpin: WHAT WE DO FOR WOMEN!

Sweeney: Kill. So. Hard. PRETTY WOMEN, BLOWING OUT THEIR CANDLES!

Judge Turpin: Ah yes, now were getting into this song again! PRETTY WOMEN, COMBING OUT THEIR HAIR! I've watched Johanna comb out her hair more time then should be legal.

Sweeney: Must. Kill. Must. Kill.

Judge Turpin: PRETTTTTTYYYYYYYY WOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

Sweeney: Alright, I've had enough. You know the years no doubt have changed me.

Judge Turpin: Me too! I used to be an innocent boy, who respected women and men!

Sweeney: I don't care. I guess the face of a barber, the face of a prisoner on a dock, isn't particularly memorable.

Judge Turpin: I don't get it.

Sweeney: I'll give you one it, my name was Benjamin.

Judge Turpin: Okay, okay I'm totally guessing here. Were you Benjamin Barker that one guy who was sent to Australia and got gang raped by kangaroos?

Sweeney: That's-a me! BENJAMIN BARKER!

(Sweeney screams and stabs Judge Turpin, over and over again. He stabs him a million times as the judge's blood covers his face and shirt. Finally he stops stabbing him and cuts his throat.)

Sweeney: I'm glad that's over.

(Sweeney presses the pedal on his chair for the last time and sends Judge Turpin down the chute.)

Sweeney: Now that this is all over I think I'll open up a bakery and sell cookies. The only thing that I have to do to end my barber business is place my razor on this chair.

(Sweeney is about to place the razor on his chair when there's suddenly a high-pitched scream, Sweeney recognizes the scream as Mrs. Lovett's.)

Mrs. Lovett: GET OFF! GET OFF!

Sweeney: What is going on?

(Mrs. Lovett suddenly realizes that The Beggar Woman is right in front of Sweeney, she quickly starts to drag the woman away from him.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh nothing, nothing at all love! That judge guy was still alive and he scared me when he grabbed onto my skirts, but I took care of him by stepping on his face! You can go now love, I've got this all taken care of!

Sweeney: Nah, you've done so much for me. It would be only right to help you move this beggar woman into the furnace.

Mrs. Lovett: No, no, no. no! I've got this!

Sweeney: You're hiding something.

Mrs. Lovett: Whaaaat? Me? Hiding something? Don't be silly!

(Sweeney silently walks over to The Beggar Woman and flips her over, he gasps in horror when he recognizes the face.)

Sweeney: She knew me. I know her. You knew she lived.

Mrs. Lovett: What? No, no! That's totally crazy! You know I was only thinking of you!

Sweeney: YOU LIED TO ME! You knew my Lucy lived and you lied to me!

Mrs. Lovett: Well I never exactly lied to you, I only took out some minor details so you would fall in love with me.

Sweeney: I have the sudden urge to dance. DANCE WITH ME MRS. LOVETT!

Mrs. Lovett: Okay! There is no way this dance could possibly go wrong!

Sweeney: You know, even though I killed my wife and you lied to me I'm okay with it.

Mrs. Lovett: Really? We can now have the life we've always dreamed of Mr. T! We can live by the sea and have 50 children!

Sweeney: Actually… I'M NOT OKAY WITH YOU LYING TO ME, YOU WHORE!

(In one smooth movement, Sweeney tosses Mrs. Lovett into the furnace.)

Mrs. Lovett: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Sweeney: BURN BABY BURN!

(A few seconds later, Mrs. Lovett stops screaming and everything goes silent. Sweeney sits by his Lucy and cradles her head in his lap.)

Sweeney: There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful. A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life.

(While singing, the sewer grate creaks open and Toby crawls out.)

Sweeney: I know you're there Toby, but I'm going to pretend you aren't.

Toby: I am not here, I am not picking up your fallen razor, I am not creeping up behind you, I am not placing the razor against your throat.

Sweeney: And she was beautiful, and she was virtuous, and he was….

Toby: Enough singing!

(Toby cuts Sweeney's throat before he can finish his song, Sweeney's head drops as he drips blood onto Lucy, Uncle Jimmy's Pop up Orchestra starts to play the scene out as Uncle Jimmy appears next to Toby.)

Uncle Jimmy: Heh, heh, heh, you'll do quite nicely.

Toby: HELP! Oh wait, they're both dead.

End of Sweeney Todd Parody