note: Sorry for the wait, to the two or three people still reading this :D


00's Comedown Machine
by, the ultimate Sora

Chapter Sixteen
The Chariot of the Gods

All but Arnold, Phoebe, and Carlos were sitting outside at their usual spot Monday morning before class, and Ralphie was working on his accounting homework packet, which wasn't due for another two days. "Done! Mark the day, Keesha. May fourteenth at 7:05 A.M. I finished my homework early!"

Keesha reached over and ruffled his hair. "Oh, honey, we're well into October."

They all looked up when they heard a scooter, and they saw Phoebe riding in with Carlos holding tight to her. The two joined everyone else after Phoebe parked and their helmets were put away. Carlos was grinning and puffing his chest out a bit.

"Ralphie was being a dick this morning, so Phoebe gave me a lift on her scooter. I guess you could say I'm a gear head now."

Phoebe sighed. "He held on to me so tight, it was like a two-mile Heimlich."

Carlos deflated some and huffed. "Those things have no walls on them."

They all suddenly were distracted by the white Mercedes SUV with tinted windows that pulled in the parking lot, its sheer opulence and size standing out quite a bit. Wanda's jaw dropped. "Is that a G-Wagon? Who in the fuck is driving a G-Wagon?"

Phoebe's eyes widened. "Is that...is that supposed to mean something? It's kind of weird-looking and too boxy-looking to me."

Ralphie put a hand on her shoulder and pointed to the SUV with his other hand. "That G-Wagon makes Wanda's Range Rover look like a rusted out, wood-paneled Chrysler van from the eighties in comparison."

"Hey!" Wanda snapped. "My Range Rover is still fuckin' bitchin'!"

The Mercedes parked beside Ralphie's Jeep, and the seven were somehow both shocked and not surprised at all when Arnold got out of it. He kept his head down as he shouldered his bag, locked the SUV, and walked over to the gang. Phoebe went over to him, and he gave her a half-hearted hug and kiss.

"Hey, guys," he said.

Carlos threw his arms up. "You drive in this shit-ass school parking lot in that fucking G-Wagon, and all you have to say is 'hey'? Dude! How! Why! When!"

Arnold sighed and kept one arm around Phoebe. "So yesterday I made the mistake of asking my grandpa if it was all right if I sold the Porsche and got something more practical, y'know 'cause he was the one who bought it and all. Instead, he said he would take care of it, and he left with the Porsche. A couple of hours later, he comes back to the house with..." He gestured to the Mercedes. "...that. He said if I didn't want a small car, then at least I should have a big vehicle that would be good in winter." He sighed. "All I wanted was something simple! A sedan, maybe a crossover vehicle, something I could buy myself!"

Carlos held up his hands. "Hang on...your grandpa buys you that chariot of the gods, and all you can do is complain?"

Arnold furrowed his brow. "I didn't complain to him. I thanked him and showed my appreciation, like the good grandson I am. I'm only voicing my actual feelings to the assholes who are supposed to be my friends." He kissed Phoebe's temple. "You're not an asshole, though."

She smiled. "Thank you."

He sighed again. "I'm not going to tell my grandpa or my parents, though. I know that's not a cheap car, and I do appreciate it, it's just..."

"Too much," Phoebe finished.

He nodded. "Yeah."

Phoebe bit her lip, and her cheeks flushed a bit when she leaned close to him and said, "Well, I mean, the back of it looks pretty large. Large enough for two people..."

His brows raised, and he slowly grinned, knowing exactly where she was going with that train of thought. "I suppose it is."

Her face reddened more. "Seems like the kind of car we could have some fun date nights in, especially on the shores of Walker Lake?"

Arnold was smiling now, and he kissed her cheek. "Leave it to you to turn this into an amazing thing."

Keesha grimaced. "Please, all I ask is if you two violate one another back there, let us know so we don't ride in that car...ever."

Tim raised his hand as he turned his eyes away. "Seconded."

Ralphie furrowed his brows and looked at Arnold. "Or you know...you could not violate my sister in your car or anywhere, really."

Phoebe chose to ignore him, and she looked at Arnold. "What say we break it in after school?"

Arnold grinned and kissed the tip of her nose. "I love you so much."

Ralphie huffed and stomped off. "I hate you all!"


Keesha, Dorothy Ann, and Wanda were sitting out on the bleachers watching the varsity girls soccer practice a couple of afternoons later. D.A. was attempting to do homework, but she ended up watching with the other two since the coach's whistle was too distracting. All three were wearing their big jackets since it was overcast, windy, and chilly.

Wanda held up her thermos. "Anyone want a Peppermint Patty?"

"What in God's name is a Peppermint Patty?" Keesha asked.

"Hot cocoa. Dark crème de cacao. Hint of crème de menthe and peppermint schnapps."

Keesha sighed. "I'd ask how you managed to make hot cocoa and put alcohol in it at school..."

Wanda poured some of her drink into a small cup. "Yeah, a magic person never tells her secrets and shit."

"Pom squad practice room has a microwave and sink and a secret stash," D.A. said.

Wanda rolled her eyes. "Yeah, thanks, D.A."

The three watched the soccer team do their drills, and despite her training with Ralphie and Arnold every other evening, Phoebe was lagging behind. She was bright red and obviously breathing hard. Grace Sato was saying something to her, and telling by the look on her face, she was being encouraging.

"Hey, D.A., your girlfriend's flirting with your other girlfriend," Wanda said, snorting.

D.A. rolled her eyes. "Shut up."

Keesha nudged her. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be getting ready for class president speeches or whatever?"

D.A. nodded. "I have been, thanks. It's not like we're going to debate or give long speeches, anyway."

"Just kick Janet's ass, all right?" Wanda said. "Bitch needs to be taken down a notch."

Keesha shook her head. "Bitch is indestructible. We put her in her place, and she just comes back, bigger and stronger and bitchier than before." She nodded towards the field. "Looks like they're going to be making goal kicks or whatever."

"For once, Phoebe's giant hands will work in her favor," Wanda said.

They watched the other girls line up to make their kicks. Fellow junior, Dominique Davies, went first. Phoebe easily blocked her kick. Grace Sato was next, and Phoebe caught her kick. Another fellow junior, Tara Brendanawicz, made her kick, and Phoebe jumped to block it. Senior Paige Parrish was next, and somehow, her kick lined the ball up perfectly with Phoebe's face. D.A., Keesha, and Wanda all gasped when they heard the ball make contact with Phoebe's nose, and Paige Parrish hurried towards her fallen teammate.

"Oh, shit! Terese, I'm so, so sorry!"

Phoebe felt the blood under her nose as she was helped up by Paige. "I'm all right." Her face was throbbing, but she had endured worse. "Let's get back to it."

The coach shook her head. "No can do, Terese. You're bleeding. Sato! You and Parrish take her to the trainer."

Keesha shook her head as she and the other two watched Paige and Grace help Phoebe off the field. "We've seen her injured worse."

D.A. nodded. "Mostly thanks to her and Ralphie's dumb fights over dumb things." She sighed. "We should go after them, make sure she's all right."

Keesha stood up. "Pitter patter, let's get at 'er."

D.A. and Wanda both got up and said, "Pitter patter."


Dorothy Ann was readying herself for her speech. It wasn't long, but she still wanted to make sure she had it memorized. Phoebe was giving her a shoulder rub backstage as they waited for the sophomore candidates to finish speaking. She had bruised swollen nose from the soccer ball hit she took, but she knew it wasn't broken, just hit really hard. After all, she had actually broken her nose before.

Tim walked over to them and handed D.A. a water bottle. "You ready?" he asked.

D.A. nodded. "As I'll ever be, I suppose."

Phoebe gave her a hug from behind. "You can do it, my Knight of Flowers. I know you can beat Janet."

"Oh, I will try. After all the shit she's put all of us through, you two and Arnold especially, I am going to beat her." She took a deep breath. "Pitter patter."

Tim and Phoebe nodded. "Pitter patter," both said.

One of the vice principals was announcing the whole thing, and she called for the junior year candidates. Phoebe and Tim wished her good luck, and both stayed there instead of going to their seats. Tim wasn't going to lie to himself: He had no problem standing there with Phoebe so close to him.

"I can tell your nose is healing," he said.

She nodded and kept her eyes on D.A. "Yep."

"Still in a lot of pain? I can go get you an ice pack or something?"

She glanced at him, giving him a small smile. "Thanks, but I'm fine. Tylenol is doing it's job."

"Do you need some more?" he asked, moving slightly closer to her.

She moved slightly further from him. "I'm fine, Tim. Thank you."

He nodded and crossed his arms. "You smell nice, by the way," he blurted.

Phoebe felt her face warm. "Uhm, thanks." She smiled. "Arnold thinks so, too." There...remind him you have a boyfriend without being mean about it.

Tim forced a smile and turned away to look at D.A. He was so glad when he heard the vice principal announce, "Here are our eleventh grade candidates: Dorothy Ann Ewing."

In the audience, D.A. could see the gang. Wanda and Keesha were holding up a poster each while Ralphie, Carlos, and Arnold clapped and whistled for her. Wanda's poster read, "GO D.A., YOU CRAZY BEE," and there was a little bee drawn on. She knew Wanda wanted to put "you crazy bitch," but since they were in school, she couldn't. Keesha's poster read, "BEAT THAT SHE-DEMON!" Her friends from tennis and rowing were also cheering for her, as were other kids she knew from classes or clubs.

"And Janet Perlstein."

A bigger crowd got up to cheer for her, and her cheerleading friends started chanting her name. D.A. smiled when she saw Keesha, Wanda, and Ralphie all yell "boo!" while giving a thumbs down. Carlos stood up and yelled, "JANET SUCKS!" but the cheerleaders were still louder.

After the crowd calmed, the vice principal gestured to D.A. "Miss Ewing, you will speak first."

She cleared her throat. "My fellow students, especially the class of 2005, I'm here today to make sure I keep my position as your class president, as I have been since the sixth grade. I want to continue to keep things organized for our class so that next year we can have an amazing prom and graduation ceremony. I want to help organize class trips and fun homecoming activities. If I seem too passionate, it's because I care. If I come on strong, it's because I feel strongly. And if I push too hard, it's because things aren't moving fast enough. Thank you, Class of 2005."

Everyone clapped, the gang doing most of the loud cheering and whistling. When the audience settled, the vice principal gestured to Janet. "And now for Miss Perlstein's speech."

Janet smirked. "So who here is tired of the stale, stagnant work that Dorothy Ann's been doing? Who wants someone fresh and exciting to lead this class? You want fun activities and amazing dances? I'm your girl! You want to be the best class ever? Vote for me! Thank you."

D.A.'s jaw dropped when everyone, but the gang, cheered and clapped for her. She left the stage, going towards Phoebe and Tim. "What the shit was that?" D.A. asked.

Phoebe gave her a tight hug. "Don't worry about her. You were great."

Tim nodded. "Hopefully our class isn't that stupid."

And half of their class was that stupid, as at the end of the speeches, she and Janet tied for junior class president. All of the class candidates (except the seniors, as their class president was whoever they voted for the year before) stood on the stage as the vice principal and a couple of teachers counted the votes.

"Recount!" Janet demanded.

The vice principal shook her head. "I'm sorry, Miss Perlstein. In the event of a tie, if one of the candidates was already class president, they would keep the position. Miss Ewing, congratulations on being junior class president."

The gang erupted in cheers, as did D.A.'s other friends in the audience. D.A. smiled, a wave of relief washing over her as Janet kept screaming "Recount!" D.A. walked off the stage and joined her friends in the hall outside the auditorium.

Phoebe threw herself on her and hugged her tight. "I knew you could do it!"

She nodded. "Thanks, but it was a tie, which means fifty percent of our class wants Janet."

Carlos waved her off. "Nah, forget about those bozos. You're class president, and Janet is still a soul-sucking ass." He laughed. "I mean, what's she gonna do? Throw her daddy's money at this whole thing?"

"That's exactly what I'm going to do!" They all turned to see Janet walk up to them. "I should be class president! Not this-"

She stopped when Phoebe stepped closer to her. "No, please, go ahead and insult D.A. in front of me."

They could all see a little fear in Janet's eyes, but she remained standing tall. "Too bad that peanut butter didn't choke you completely."

Phoebe felt her entire body tense, and suddenly, she was being restrained by Ralphie. Carlos and Tim were having to hold Arnold by both arms as he looked ready to jump Janet, too. "That is not funny! She could have died!"

Janet rolled her eyes. "She's alive, isn't she? And besides, I only said it was too bad she didn't choke. And now, I will focus on getting the class presidency."

"Get over it, dicknuts," Wanda said.

Janet tsked and shook her head. "Oh, Wanda, such a shame you never got to date Arnold and be my friend. I had such high hopes for you. Too bad my cousin decided to dumpster dive."

Arnold tensed, but D.A. reached across Tim to touch his shoulder. "It's all right. Janet just enjoys getting a rise out of us. Let's go get a celebratory burger...and salad for Phoebe."

Carlos pointed hard at Janet. "And I'll be testing her food to make sure you're not poisoning it with peanuts. So don't try anything!"

The eight turned and walked away...well, seven walked. Ralphie was still carrying Phoebe, who he knew was still angry and wound up. He knew angry-Phoebe the best of anyone, after all, and he knew she wasn't ready to not be restrained.


Saturday evening was a cool, clear, and breezy one. Phoebe and Arnold sat in the hot tub attached to the pool in his backyard, and he held her close. Since his parents were out of town for the weekend, they decided to have some alone time. He could see the bruising around her healing nose, and he sighed.

"I hate it when you get hurt," he said.

She smiled and gave his thigh a squeeze. "We've been over this, love. I'm fine. Honestly, it looks worse than it feels. No breaks, just bruising, and the swelling's gone down a lot."

He nodded. "I know, I know, but I still hate it." He kissed her cheek. "I like my Phoebe being healthy, un-injured, and pain-free."

She giggled when he started kissing her neck. "You're such a worrier."

He pulled back to look at her. "Have we met? Hi, I'm Arnold the Nervous Worrier. And you are?"

She laughed and gently smacked his chest. "Shut up. You know what I mean."

He shook his head. "I can assure you, strange girl, that I do not, as we have not met. Wow, you're so beautiful."

She grinned at him. "Back off, Mr. Nervous Worrier, I have a boyfriend."

"Oh? What's he like?"

She turned her body a bit so she didn't have to turn her neck to look at him. "For starters, he's kind of a nerdy dandy, but his body looks like sculpted marble. Though, even if puberty hadn't been so good to him, I'd still be attracted to him. His pretty looks are just the bonus."

He smirked. "Sounds like a handful."

She shook her head. "Not really. He's the sweetest boy I know. I've had feelings for him since we were eight."

He raised his brows. "Wow, this guy must really be something."

She gently ran her finger along his chest. "I think he is. He's quite a guy. He's so sweet, caring, loving, loyal...no matter what he's there for his friends and family, no matter how nervous or scared he is. Like, when we were kids, we had this teacher who'd take us on wacky field trips that he claimed he hated, but he was always there. He'd stand up for our teacher when he needed to, and from time to time, he'd save the rest of us. One time, he actually scared off a T. rex, can you believe that?"

He took hold of her hand that was on his chest, and he kissed the inside of her wrist. "Can't say that I do."

She smiled. "Well, I wouldn't expect you to. So, Mr. Nervous Worrier, do you have a girlfriend?"

He nodded and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "I do, actually. She's perhaps the best person in the entire world. Like, this girl just radiates goodness. She cares so much about everyone and everything, and even though her attempts at activism have backfired in the past, she doesn't let that stop her. We met when we were kids, and I thought she was a cute girl. She's always been a cute girl, but it wasn't until we were sixteen that I really noticed her. I asked her on a date, and well, the rest is history, as they say."

Phoebe started laughing. "Wow, we are such saps."

"You got that right!"

They both turned when they heard Carlos, and they saw the other six walk through the gate, all in their swimwear. Arnold furrowed his brows. "What are you guys doing here?"

Keesha tossed her towel on one of the lounge chairs. "When one of your friends has a heated pool, you're gonna swim in it."

At the same time, Ralphie and Carlos yelled, "Cowabunga!" and cannonballed into the pool, splashing anyone near the edge (or in the hot tub). Phoebe waited for him to surface before she yelled, "Ralphie!"

He pushed his wet hair back. "Hey, if you guys didn't want us here, maybe Arnold shouldn't have such an inviting heated pool."

"We're trying to have private time!" Arnold said.

Wanda waved him off. "Continue on. We're just going to ignore you two." She ran towards the pool. "Cowaboner!" She also cannonballed, splashing everyone.

D.A. and Keesha got in the hot tub, sitting across from Phoebe and Arnold, and Phoebe furrowed her brows. "Okay, the others I get, but et tu, D.A.?"

She shrugged and closed her eyes as she leaned her head back. "Sorry, but the heat and jets are just what I need, especially with Janet still demanding a recount."

"What if Arnold and I wanted to have sex?" Phoebe asked.

Keesha laughed. "Normally, I'd assume you two would do it anywhere, but knowing you, Pheeb, you wouldn't do it out here."

Phoebe looked down. "Dammit, you're right."

Tim walked over, and Phoebe could have sworn he was flexing. "Room for one more?" He got in anyway, sitting between D.A. and Phoebe. "Oh, this is nice."

Arnold sighed as Phoebe moved to sit on his lap. He held her tight and said, "Normally, I'd say let's go inside and upstairs, but I don't trust these fools."

"If Ralphie, Wanda, and Carlos weren't here, it'd be okay," Phoebe said.

Keesha put her hand on her chest. "Aw! Phoebe trusts us more than Gorilla Boy, Short Harpy, and Disco Stu." She raised her brows when she noticed Phoebe's swimsuit. "Holy shit, Phoebe, are you wearing a two-piece?"

Phoebe shrugged. "Yeah. Why?"

Keesha shook her head. "Nothing, it's just you always seemed to hate showing a lot of skin." She suddenly snapped her fingers. "It's the sex, isn't it? Arnold's seen you naked more times than he can count, so it doesn't matter that we see your stomach and thighs and the fact that your boobs are actually bigger than we all thought?"

Phoebe opened her mouth to argue that, but she quickly closed her mouth and huffed a bit. She paused for a moment before she sighed and said, "Something like that."

Keesha smirked. "See? I'm always right." She noticed the look on Tim's face as he tried his hardest to keep his eyes off of Phoebe. "All right there, Timmy-boy?"

He flinched a bit before he relaxed and scoffed. "Yeah, fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

She shrugged. "You tell me."

D.A. nudged her with her foot, knowing exactly what Keesha was doing. "Stop."

Tim awkwardly cleared his throat. "So...gorgeous day, huh?"

Carlos swam up to the hot tub just then, much to Tim's relief. "So you fools getting in here or what? We want to play chicken."

Keesha got up. "Me and you versus Ralphie and Wanda."

Carlos gave her a high five before she jumped over the little waterfall from the hot tub into the pool. "We will absolutely win!"

Phoebe looked at Arnold. "I kind of want to see this."

He nodded. "Not gonna lie, me too."

Carlos and Ralphie each lifted Keesha and Wanda onto their shoulders, and while Ralphie had the height advantage over Carlos, Keesha had the same advantage over Wanda. It didn't take long for Keesha to push Wanda off of Ralphie's shoulders, much to Wanda's annoyance.

"Every! Time!" she yelled.

Keesha laughed as she got off of Carlos's shoulders. "Because you're short and weak!"

Carlos high-fived her. "Team Keelos! Reigning champs! No one can beat us!"

Arnold and Phoebe looked at one another. "What d'you think?" he asked.

She nodded. "Let's."

They got up and hopped over the hot tub's little waterfall into the pool. Arnold swam under Phoebe and easily lifted her up. "All right," he said. "Team Perlese versus you two."

Carlos and Keesha smiled at one another and nodded. "This will be so easy," Carlos said.

He lifted Keesha up and the two pairs faced one another. Phoebe smirked and in the sweetest tone possible, she said, "Please don't take it personally when we beat you."

Keesha smirked back. "Only Phoebe Terese can be both an asshole and a sweetheart at the same time."

Ralphie pointed at Phoebe. "Don't trust her! That 'nice girl' shtick is bullshit! I have the bruises to prove it!"

Phoebe shot him a look. "Maybe don't steal my Hi-C and Fruit Roll-up next time and you won't get hit!"

"They were the last ones!" Ralphie argued.

"Hey!" Carlos said. "This fight doesn't concern you, Ralphie!"

"Yeah!" Wanda said. "I want to see some blood!"

Arnold shook his head. "No! No blood! Not in my pool, please!"

Phoebe looked down and gently ran her fingers through his hair. "No blood, huh? Good thing I'm two weeks late, then."

"What?!" Arnold screeched. He threw her off of him, and when she surfaced, he said, "I thought you were on the pill!"

She pushed her wet hair back, and she was giggling. "I was kidding."

He put his hands on his face, sighing hard before he pushed his hair back. He closed his eyes, and he took a deep breath before he opened his eyes. "Phoebe, I love you, but please, do not joke about that...ever. Especially due to the fact that we don't use condoms."

She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close. "I'm sorry, love. I promise I won't joke about you knocking me up, even though I am actually knocked up."

He closed his eyes again and clenched his jaw. "Phoebe Margot Terese, I swear on my rock collection..."

She couldn't help but laugh as she held him tighter. "Sorry, sorry. Last time, I promise." She kissed his neck. "I promise."

Everyone was quiet for a moment, and Carlos broke the silence. "Anyone super amused by Pheebolino making Arnold cry a little?"

"Anyone else really didn't want to hear about how they don't use condoms?" Tim blurted. Everyone just turned and awkwardly looked at him. "What? You guys are saying you wanted to hear that?"

Carlos shook his head. "Wish you weren't so fuckin' awkward, bud."

Ralphie moved so he was floating on his back, his eyes closed. "I am choosing to ignore this whole thing. Don't feel like murdering Arnold just yet for violating my sister."

Keesha grinned. "Why not rat out your sister and end the whole thing?"

He stood up and held up a finger for each point. "One: I ain't no snitch. Two: Phoebe is freakishly strong, and I don't want a black eye. Three: If I did snitch, then she said she'd tell Ma about how that dent really showed up on her Lexus. Four: We both find it less painful if we didn't snitch on each other because we'd just beat the crap out of each other if we did."

Phoebe nodded. "He's right. We actually have a 'Ternelli Step-Twin No Snitching Policy' in place. We made the pact after the 'Lightsabers We Tried to Build That Nearly Burned Down the Garage' Incident of 1999."


note: "Done! Mark the day, Keesha. May fourteenth at 7:05 A.M. I finished my homework early!"
Keesha reached over and ruffled his hair. "Oh, honey, we're well into October." - From Brooklyn Nine-Nine

"Ralphie was being a dick, so I rode in on Phoebe's scooter. I guess you could say I'm a gear head now."
...
..."Those things have no walls on them." - Also from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Wanda's Peppermint Patty drink is from Archer

Keesha stood up. "Pitter patter, let's get at 'er."
D.A. and Wanda both got up and said, "Pitter patter."
...
She took a deep breath. "Pitter patter."
Tim and Phoebe nodded. "Pitter patter," both said. - From Letterkenny

"If I seem too passionate, it's because I care. If I come on strong, it's because I feel strongly. And if I push too hard, it's because things aren't moving fast enough". - From Parks and Recreation

Carlos shook his head. "Wish you weren't so fuckin' awkward, bud." - Also Letterkenny