It's later in the day in South Park; school as already ended, but cars and the busses are parked outside.

Inside the gymnasium the bleechers are filled with students and parents, along with extra chairs on both sides. Many are clapping as Tolken walks off stage with an award in hand.

The Mayor speaks into the microphone on a stand in from of her, "Another great future scientific mind of South Park! And finally, as I know you're all tired and want to go home, tonight's first-place winner of the first-annual South Park Scientific Achievement Award is..." she opens an envelope passed to her by Principal Victoria, "Eric Cartman!"

Mr. Mackey shines a spotlight on Eric, who is on the bleechers.

Eric points to himself with both hands, "Me? Wow - cool!" he gets up and makes his way down the bleechers.

"Yeah! Woohoo! Go, Eric, go!" Kyle shouts excitedly, giving Eric a quick slap on the back.

Stan, Kenny, and Butters claps and cheer Eric on as well.

"Congra ... congraaa ... congratulations, E-E-Err..." Jimmy stutters as Eric passes by.

"Thanks," Eric says back, not stopping and continuing on down as Jimmy continues to struggle to complete the sentence.

Eric stands next to the Mayor; he waves as his mom records him with a hand-held camera.

"Eric Cartman, for your Survalience, Horticulturing and Instituting Testing project, which found the Mayor's office and Cith Hall were all full of fecal matter just like those dollar bills and shopping cart hnadles tests, the town of South Park is proud to give you this cheap, rushed and fake gold-plated trophy which suspeciously looks like a re-purposed fotball trophy!"

"Here you go," says Victoria as she bends over to hand Eric the award.

"Thank you, Principal Victoria."

The Mayor, her aides, and the school staff all clap, as well as many students.

Clyde looks side-to-side, "You all do realize you're applauding a guy who measured all out penises, right?"

Stan cups his hands to his mouth and shouts, "Speech!"

Kyle and the others do the same and it builds in the gym.

"Thank God they're not old enough to vote," Mayor McDaniels says in a low voice to her aides.

"Well..." Eric waives innocently, "Okay."

"Damnit," Victoria says in a low voice before handing the mic' down to Eric.

"Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you," he sees Butters still clapping, "Butters, you can stop clapping now. Thank you. The findings of my study are of no surprise; I think we've all suspected for some time now that City Hall and the Mayor's office are full of shit."

Johnson and the Mayor's other aide clap slowly and nervously as she looks at each of them.

"And I suspect a S.H.I.T. study of Congress and the DNC will produce identical results. But this wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for my mom giving birth to me so I could collect this ward; my good friends Stan, Kenny, and Kyle. Especially Kyle, who encouraged me."

Butters smiles, still waiting to be named.

Kyle's head vibrates ever so slightly and one of his eyes twitches nervously and shuts; Stan looks over.

"Oh, and Jimmy who mentioned me and yadda yadda yadda. Thanks, all. I only hope to be of help again in the near future."

Kyle's eye does it again.

"You okay over there?" Stan asks.

"Yeah."

Mayor McDaniels sets the microphone back on the stand and lowers it midway down so both she and Eric can use it, "But that's not all, Eric Cartman. To present you with an extra surprise, is a surprise guest. You know him for his popular TV show from years ago, please welcome Bill Nie, a science guy!"

Kids cheer while parents look baffled, as a tall gangly, thin, big-nosed slightly effeminate man enters the gym in an oversized white lab coat and pink bow tie.

Mayor McDaniels says silently to Victoria, "This ought to placate the little bastard for a while..."

"Wow, Bill Nie! Total bitchcakes!"

"Excelsior, Eric Cartman!" says Bill.

"Excelsior to you, too, Bill."

"Eric, I hear you won an award."

"Yeah, in the name of science. I hope to be a scientist like you, one day Bill!"

"Oh. Well, I'm not a scientist."

"Sure you are; it's right in the theme song of your TV series."

"But it's not correct."

"Sure it is; don't you remember? It begins: Bill Nie a science."

"Yes, I know, but I'm not a scientist."

"What about all those science experiments?"

"Good television."

"But what about the lab coat?"

"Showy novelty."

Eric looks a little pissed off, "What the fuck?"

"Eric, I have an honorary degrees in the sciences; no formal training, education, or real graduate degrees."

"You lying bas-"

"However, I have good news: In honor of your achievement and by the power invested in me by our lord and master Dawkins, we hereby bestow upon you an honorary degrees in ... science!"

Eric reaches up for a piece of paper that Bill has handed down to him, "Holy shit!"

"White lab coat sold seperately," says Bill.

"Oh, wow! Scientifically I'm now on the same level as you!"

Clapping in advance before Eric had finished his setence, "Gee ... swell," Bill then says to himself quietly, "I'm not on par with a nine year old."

"I'm totally hanging this on my wall next to that aswesome fake Cracker Jack University certificate!"

Kyle's eye again nervously twitches and closes briefly.

"Dude, are you sure you're okay? If you're gonna start morphing into Tweek, let us know in advance so we can take you out back and Old Yeller you; one Tweek is more than enough."

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just ... I don't know," says Kyle.

"Mr. Nie, you have no idea how much this means to me. With a great honorary degree, comes great honorary power."

"Nifty, kid. Now I'm off to my next exciting scientific adventure to tell epople how stupid they are for not believing in lies and contradicting old episodes of my television show! Nie-zam!" he throws a ball onto the floor and it errupts in a large puff of smoke. When the smoke has cleared, he is gone. Kids clap.

"Well, okay then, everyone - that concludes the event," says Victoria.

There's chatter, mumbling and movement as people clear out and others socialize. Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters approach Eric, who is already shaking Tolken's right hand.

"Way to go, Eric," says Kyle.

"That was amazing, dude," says Kenny in his muffled voice.

"Why, gosh, Eric, I'm so excited for you that I wish I could just burst with emotion. But my parents would probably ground me," says butters, putting a hand on one of Eric's shoulders.

"Thanks, Butters. Now stop fucking touching me."

"Well, at least the fame hasnt' changed you too much," Stan comments.

Kyle then speaks up again, "You know, Eric, I think deep down inside me, some previously unexplored part of my body which in of itself may be a new scientific discovery, a small part of me held out hope that if you put real effort into something legitimate, that you could accomplish something good. No genocide, hippie plowing, alleged degrees of murder, using crack babies for profit, or attaining a pizza place by way of abortion of another human life. It took a while, but you finally managed to do something that wouldn't require others to be subpoenaed to testify against you in a court of law."

"Kyle, your words touch me. I can honestly say this is all because of you."

Kyle's eye twitches ever so briefly.

"Kyle, as a doctor, I think you should get that checked," says Eric.

"It's okay - I think I must have accidentally gotten something in my eye. Anyway, we're all proud of you, Eric. So, what exciting new things are you working on next?" asks Kyle.

"Well, Jimmy and I are looking into something that could potentially be a big fucking deal."

"Sounds exciting. Who knows - maybe one day you'll have your own labratory and you'll be making the big bucks," says Kyle.

"Maybe, Kyle, maybe."

Jimmy comes over on his crutches.

"Congrats, Eric. I-I-I I kneee ... I kneeeee ... I knew you could do it."

"I knew you could do it, too, Jimmy," Eric reponds.

"Well, fellas, I'm sorry I ca-ca-can't stay and chat, but my physical therapist is due in two hours, so if you want to finish that new project, Errric, we'll have to go now."

"Sorry to have to win and run, guys, but there'll be plenty of time to congradulate me later. I have important work to do ... excelsior!"

Everybody clears out of the gym. Mr. Mackey takes one last look before shutting the lights off and closes the door. The view pans up to the ceiling where - hooked to an automatic wench - is Bill Nie dangling in the air.

"Hello? You can lower me down now. Hello?"

.

Kenny approaches his house after hanging out with Stan and Kyle for a while. Nearing the yard he finally realizes Eric is out front, swabbing the doorknob and placing the Q-tip in a small sealable plastic bag.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kenny asks Eric.

"Oh, Kenny, didn't hear you coming. Just doing some important scientific research. Gotta go - important science things to do!" Eric quickly waddles away; Kenny watches to make sure he did leave.

.

Eric waddles into the open garage at Jimmy's house, where Jimmy is setting up.

"Oh, Eric, did you get the sample you needed?"

"Right here," he lays down the plastic bag and picks up a pair of goggles, "Let's science," he pulls them down over his eyes.

CUT TO: A montage of Eric and Jimmy doing tests and research as a parody of the song "_" by _ plays over it:

SONG: "I need a fat science hero.

I'm holding out for a fat science hero 'til the end of the night."

Eric looks through a microphone as Jimmy writes things down.

SONG: "He's gotta be oblong,

and he's gotta be fat,

and he's gotta be fresh from the shiite."

Eric puts a flask in a centrifuge and then pours some drink mix into some water, caps the bottle, and also puts it in the centrifuge; he starts it.

SONG: "I need a fat science hero.

I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the morning light."

Jimmy smacks Eric with a crutch after Eric falls asleep at a desk with Cheesy Puffs in his mouth.

SONG: "He's gotta be a pooer,

with a mind in the sewer,

and turds larger than life."

Eric opens a delivery box from Amazon and pulls out a white lab coat; he puts it on.

"Somewhere after midnight,

In my perverted wildest fantasy,

Somewhere just beyond my reach,

there's a fat man reaching back for me.

Pacing on the treadmill and resting off his feet.

It's gonna take a fat super scientist to briefly sweep me off my feet."

After mixing two flasks, there's a quick flash and black smoke. Shocked, Eric pulls the goggles off; his face is covered in soot except where the goggles had been. The little fuzz ball atop his winter cap is on fire. Jimmy lightly smacks it out with a crutch.

The parody song fades out as Eric reads the rest results.

SONG: "I need a fat science hero..."

"Jimmy ... it's worse than suspected..."

We briefly see the outside of the Mayor's office building. Inside, in her office, Mayor McDaniels lays back in a reclined vibrating chair.

One of her aides, Johnson, stops at the office doorway and knocks on it, "Ah, Mayor."

"Yes, yes, Johnson, I know it's passed time to close the palce up, but I need about another fifteen minutes with the chair."

"You have a visitor, Mayor."

"Oh, God, it must be the police - they must have found out I embezzled city funds for the chair!" she then increasaes the vibration speed.

There's some noise and arguing and then we see Eric shove his way in, having evaded Ted, the other aide.

"I said you had to come back during business hours and make an appointm-"

Eric cuts Ted off, "Back off, man! I'm a scientist."

"Oh. OH! Sorry. I thought you were a regular voting rube. Again - total apologies."

"Stick this pen up your ass - doctor's orders," says Eric, having pulled a pen off McDaniel's desk.

"Yes, sir, scientist, sir," Ted takes th pen and exits the room.

"Ah, Eric Cartman. So, how are you and your hermaphrodite mother doing?"

"Skip the cordial banter, Mayor McDaniels - this is important."

"Now what? Is McDonald's out of McNuggests again?"

"Ay! That was a legitimate complaint - KFC was closed for renovations; options were limited!"

"Does this require me to get out of the chair."

"No."

"Then go ahead."

"Mayor ... I hope you're ready to quarantie South Park?"

"Why's that?"

"According to my research, the town is in the grip of an impending epidemic."

"What kind of epidemic?"

"A virus, Mayor; the Wuwuwu Flu."

Dramatic music stab.