Chapter 8: Part 1: the Valley of Doom


Darren Shan was euphoric. He had gotten the Vampire Mountain gang up and down the mountain not once, twice, but three times. If you know anything about Larten Crepsley, Harkat Mulds, Seba Nile, Mika Ver Leth, Arrow, Paris Skyle, and Kurda Smahlt, you know they can be a real handful. So, yes, Darren was pleased with himself. There had been no injuries, no more embarrassing moments than usual, and a minimum of complaints. And not only were the Vampires getting comfortable on their skis, they were actually beginning to enjoy themselves.

Of course, it was too good to last.

The gang congregated around a large map on a billboard, planning what run to take, when Harkat said,

"Let's try this… one. We've never… used it… yet."

According to the map, it was long and winding, and it ended at the bottom left corner of the mountain beside a little Chalet. There was a small lift that could take them back to the top. Sounds simple enough, right?

"Sounds good." Darren agreed.

"I do not know..." said Mr. Crepsley apprehensively. "Remember what happened last time Harkat chose the route?"

Everyone recalled their adventure on the icy, mogul infested double black diamond monster. They had survived, but barely.

"That wasn't my… fault. The hill… tricked me!" Harkat Mulds protested.

"Let's just go, you guys." Darren reasoned. "What's the worst that could happen?"

Of course, everyone had an answer for that one.

"There could be wild animals!"

"If there's no shelter, we could get frostbite, and that totally kills your complexion!"

"We might get lost… and starve!"

"How do you know the Chalet isn't a Vampaneze headquarters, waiting to ambush us?"

"What if it's another one of those double-black-diamond abominations?"

"Well I'm in." Mika interrupted. "If you're too pansy to come, that's your loss."

"I will come." sighed Larten regretfully. "I have not tried that Chalet's coffee yet."

"I hear it's… really good!" Harkat added, although he had no idea if this was true. But the gang believed him, so away they went.

As they cruised down a relatively easy hill, Harkat shouted, "There's our… turn off to get… to the Chalet!"

Darren frowned. "Are you sure? I think it's further down!"

"No! This… is… it!" The Little Person swerved at the last possible moment, closely followed by the seven Vampires.

The snow conditions were terrible. It didn't look like anyone had used this trail in ages. There were natural moguls everywhere, and deep, chunky snow.

"I… don't… think… this… was… the… turn...off!" Harkat moaned as the moguls bounced him around.

"No kidding, Mulds!" Darren growled as he almost wiped out.

A shrill scream caused them to look up. Kurda had gone off the track and was blazing a new trail- right through the woods...towards a river.

"Kurda, turn!" Darren instructed. But Kurda couldn't turn, if he did, he'd hit a tree. He couldn't stop, either. The river was getting closer and closer. Kurda was as good as dead from hypothermia. Suddenly, just as he was about to leave dry land, a big black blur intercepted his path and knocked him over, effectively stopping him from entering the river. The two of them lay face down in the snow for a moment, then Kurda looked up at his saviour...

"Mika...you totally saved my life!...Omigosh!" he squealed, jumping up and down gleefully. Then he rushed over for a great big hug.

"We all make mistakes." Mika grumbled as he flicked Kurda off and slowly stood up, testing himself for broken limbs.

Since the group couldn't walk up the hill, they decided to keep going down and hope it wouldn't get any worse. And hoped there was a chair lift at the end.

But it did get worse. Much worse. (Why did Darren get that computer?) It seemed this path hadn't been maintained for a while. There were trees and potholes (Potholes in snow? Is that even possible?) and the occasional moose that darted across the hill. There were impossibly tight corners, waist-deep snow, brutal ice patches, and minus -90 windchill. Finally, Harkat yelled,

"I think I...see the bottom!"

All cheered. Until Harkat rounded the last turn...and screamed. As Darren and the others skidded to a stop beside him, they saw why.

The tiny valley they'd landed in had a Chalet and a chairlift all right, but it was completely deserted. The chalet was locked. The lift was frozen solid. Snowdrifts everywhere. Darren regretted bringing the computer to Vampire Mountain. Everyone turned to stare at Harkat.

Harkat gulped.

There was total commotion for about 10 minutes straight as the Vampires tried to attack Harkat (instead of Kurda, for once) but luckily for the Little Person, he was able to duck between them and make a run for it. He made it to the Chalet and smashed a Harkat-sized hole in a window and scrambled in, successfully locking the furious Vampires outside. Eventually, Darren was able to bring his friends under control only by promising to get them out of this situation "even if it kills me!"

Harkat looked out the window. "If my safety… can be guaranteed… I will unlock the door… so you can get in… and we can figure … out how to turn… on the heater… and maybe find… some food while… we're at it?" he suggested apprehensively.

The Vampires promised not to injure Harkat, and soon they were seated at an old table inside, with Darren coming up with a plan.

"Ok, Me, Mika, Arrow, and Harkat will try to turn on the heat and lights in here. Seba, Mr. Crepsley, and Paris, you go find some blankets and food."

"Um… Excuse me?" Kurda bitched.

"Kurda, you, um, stay with us… I guess. Now everybody go!"

Darren, Mika, and Arrow searched for the control panel that regulated heat throughout the building while Harkat ran into every room, flickering lights on to create more heat. It was a small chalet, with a cafeteria, 2 bathrooms, a kitchen, a lounge with a bar, and a small games room with air hockey, pinball, pool, etc. Eventually they stumbled upon a locked metal box mounted on the wall, which they assumed was the control panel. Mika ripped the lock open, and the three came face-to-face with the biggest, ugliest mess of wires, switches, and buttons they'd ever seen. Harkat wandered in behind them and said a word a bit too strong for a T story.

"Who taught you that one, Harkat?"

"Never...mind, how are...we going to...turn this on?"

All eyes on Darren.

"Do I look like an electrician to you?"

"Let's just start pressing buttons." Arrow said determinedly. As he said this, he reached forwards and jabbed a large red button.

They learned several seconds later that it was the button that turned the sprinkler system on.

"Nice." Darren grumbled. "Now we'll get hypothermia twice as fast."

"Make it go off!" Kurda wailed. "My hair is gonna get frizzy!" And he carried on wailing. You'd think he was being tortured.

Arrow pressed another button. The sprinklers shut off, and were replaced with a gut-wrenchingly loud fire alarm, which assaulted the sensitive ears of the Vampires. He desperately started punching buttons in an attempt to turn it off, but instead caused the sprinklers to come back on.

"You're… not… helping!" Harkat moaned as he reached up and started flicking switches, causing the lights to flicker, brighten, and dull sporadically. In addition to all this, a radio station could be heard over the fire alarm as a result of Harkat's mad switching.

Darren decided things couldn't get much worse, so he began pulling wires in and out of their sockets. The power in the building flickered on and off insanely as the fire alarm and sprinklers came on and off every few seconds. Needless to say, it was complete and utter chaos.

Then, a voice was heard over the insanity:

"What on earth are you doing?"

Darre, Harkat, Mika, Kurda, and Arrow turned around to see Paris, Larten, and Seba standing in the doorway.

"We're trying to turn on the heat!" said Darren desperately.

"Would you not have better luck if you tried over here?" said Paris intelligently as he pointed at a dial on the wall marked "HEAT CONTROL."

All eyes on Darren. Again.

He cautiously walked over to the dial, turned it way up, and chuckled nervously. Then he gulped and turned to the three older Vampires.

"So, did you find any food?" he inquired politely.

Mr. Crepsley brightened. "An entire room full. And since it's so cold here, it is all fresh."

Everyone momentarily forgot Darren's mistake and cheered loudly, and rampaged in the direction of the store room.

Minutes later, they had dragged their booty (booty being food, pillows, and blankets) up to the cafeteria where they had pushed the tables to the side of the room and arranged the pillows and blankets on the floor, slumber party style! (Much to Kurda's delight. "If only I had my hair accessories..." he sighed.) Everyone was in a much better mood, considering the circumstances. After a meal of chocolate bars, pepperettes, rice krispie squares, and gatorade, they flopped down on their makeshift beds and plotted how they would escape from the valley tomorrow.

"I say… we just… walk back up." Harkat suggested bravely.

Kurda vetoed that suggestion. ("Do you have any idea how many gallons of sweat that would produce? Totally bad for the pores")

"Why can't we just phone the main lodge and have them pick us up?" Darren said logically.

Mika shot that one down. "One, we don't know their number, and two, even if we did, I'd rather die honorably down here than owe my life to humans!"

"Damn humans… damn Vampires… we should all just be turtles or something!" Darren growled, losing his temper for the first time since installing the godforsaken computer.

"I propose that we find a way to repair the chair lift thus giving us an easy exit from this valley of doom!" said Mr Crepsley unsuspectedly.

"I do not approve of those abominations." Seba seethed. "And I wouldn't ride something supposedly repaired by anyone less than an expert!"

His complaint was ignored.

"That's the best idea I've heard all day." said Darren tiredly. "All in favour?"

Seven hands went up.

"All opposed?"

Seba raised his hand redundantly.

"Alrighty then. Tomorrow, we're going up!"

Applause from everyone but Seba. Tired from the day, the Vampire Mountain gang lay down in their assorted blankets and pillows and hoped they would be back in their hotel tomorrow.


Chapter 9: Part 2: A Triumphant Escape


The gang was awoken at an ungodly hour the next day by "Wind It Up" by Gwen Stefani blasting on the loudspeaker. No one questioned who turned it on, because there was only one Vampire in existence who listened to Gwen Stefani.

"KURDA, TURN IT OFF BEFORE I YOUR CRUSH YOUR IPOD! OR BETTER YET, YOUR SKULL!" That was Mika, of course.

"But it's just getting to the chorus!" Kurda howled as Mika snatched the hawt pink iPod away from the loudspeaker Kurda had discovered in the basement.

But that didn't stop Kurda from bursting into song:

"Uh, uh, uh, WIND IT UUP!, uh, uh, uh, uh

Uh, uh, WIND IT UUP!, uh, uh, uh, Come on, uh

Uh, uh, WIND IT UUP!, uh, uh, uh, uh

Uh, uh, Yodellay, yodallay, yodel-LOO!"

Mika took a swing at him, but the wannabe-Gwen Stefani pranced away.

"He's not worth it, Mika." Darren advised. "Just ignore him."

But deep inside, Darren kicked himself for bringing the Computer into Vampire Mountain.

"Can we at least get some better music?"

"What's the point? We're escaping from the Valley of Doom today, remember?"

"Can we at least… get food… first?" grumbled Harkat.

The rest agreed, so they stampeded down to the food storage room, where breakfast took longer than anticipated. Seba thought it would be an excellent idea to turn on the slushie machine. (But when it later soaked him in cherry red, blue raspberry, and lime green ice, he declared it an "Abomination!") Mika and Arrow held a Gatorade-chugging contest, which Arrow won, but he lost spectacularly to Harkat afterwards. A brief celebratory ceremony was held, and Paris christened him "Harkat of the Gatorade". Darren thought it would be a good idea to evacuate his crew before they discovered the fully stocked bar. When he'd finally ushered them outside, he asked the Big Question:

"Who here wants to help me fix the Ski Lift?"

Loyally, Harkat raised his hand.

"Anyone else? No? Alrighty then."

The pair searched all over for some sort of ignition, or switch, or a damn button to turn the thing on. Darren eventually located a small switchboard. By this time, the rest of the Vampires had trooped back inside to wait, thinking it was too cold. Apparently the switchboard thought so too. It was completely coated in ice.

"MOTHER F-"

"Fudgesicles!" Harkat interrupted. "Well you...know what...you'll have to...do, right?"

"No, Mulds, but I bet you're gonna tell me."

"Sit on...it. Until...the ice...is melted."

"I don't think so."

"You said you'd...get us out of...here. You...promised." Harkat reminded him.

Darren stared furiously at Harkat for a moment, then plonked his butt down on the switchboard.

"I'll be inside...chugging Gatorade...if you need me." the Little Person smirked before retreating into the Chalet.

"I'm gonna kill him..." said Darren to no one in particular.

The hours passed. The ice melted. And with no warning whatsoever, Darren was humongously electrocuted by the water from the melted ice as it trickled into the switchboard. After lying unconscious in the snow for about 30 minutes, he wandered back to the Chalet, trailing smoke. Any human would have been totally fried by the power surge.

"Good news." Darren moaned. "Now I can start fixing it."

Ignoring Darren's seared appearance, everyone cheered.

And poor Darren trooped back outside again.

After even more hours of tinkering, hoping, and being electrocuted, Darren almost had the lift working. Now he was certain all he had to do was just pull a large lever which would hopefully make the lift move. Tingling with excitement, he walked up to the lever, looked it in the eye, and jerked it with all his might. He fell back in the snow, and with a cry of triumph, he looked at the lift he fixed single handedly. The only problem was, it didn't seem fixed. It was totally stationary.

He screamed the alternative word for "fudgesicles'' for about 10 minutes straight, whilst regretting bringing the computer into Vampire Mountain. This brought his so-called friends outside.

When he'd calmed down and explained the situation, bursting out in fudgesicles every 10 seconds, the Vampires figured that pulling the lever would be quite easy. Mika pulled it. Pulled it a bit harder. Wiggled it, then yanked it with all his Vampiric strength. Nada. Arrow tried. Then he tried again, accompanied by Paris and Mika. Mr. Crepsley and Seba joined in. The damn thing refused to budge. The Vampires collapsed into the snow.

"It's mocking us!" Paris groaned.

"Abomination!" Seba screesched furiously.

"Blasphemous spawn!" Mr. Crepsley added, apparently hoping to insult the metal stick into giving itself up.

"Bitch!" Kurda tried.

"Fucktard." Darren mumbled. Mr. Crepsley heard him. Mr. Crepsley smacked him.

"Bad Darren!"

After another hour of pulling, pushing, kicking, sweating, and swearing, the tired group trudged back to the Chalet, preparing to spend another night. After indulging in a supper that was similar/identical to the breakfast they'd had, they settled in for another cold, TV-less night. Sometime after Mr. Crepsley had finished telling his third lame ghost story in a row, Kurda let loose a terrified squeal.

"AMERICAN IDOL IS ON IN 2 HOURS!"

Everyone groaned in annoyance, but Darren groaned in disappointment. He actually kinda enjoyed American Idol... He had an idea. A small idea, but an idea nonetheless.

"We could try to move the lever again."

The Vampire Mountain crew mosied back outside to give one last kick at the cat. In an hour and a half, they'd made no more progress than earlier.

"What time is it?" Kurda mumbled sadly.

"8:30." Darren answered. "I don't think we're going to make it."

Kurda freaked out: "Not going to make it? Are you kidding me? We tripped 500 miles in a UPS van, 2000 miles in a plane we almost didn't get on, made it down a frigging double black diamond hill without even wrecking my hair, we've survived like 2 weeks without shampoo, ("More like 2 days" Darren mumbled, as Kurda began whacking the lever with his boot) and I want to straighten my hair again, and buy that magenta toaster I saw in The Dollhouse, and I haven't missed a single episode in this season and I'm not gonna start now because I don't want to stay here anymore, I-"

The lever moved. The lift moved. Kurda paused his bitching and looked up.

"YES! FINALLY! We can go home!" he declared.

And for the first time in his life, Kurda Smahlt was willingly hugged by all his friends, including Mika. They spent almost 10 minutes jumping and screaming for joy, when they remembered they had a warm hotel room to go back to. Not to mention an exciting episode of American Idol...

So they crowded onto the newly fixed lift and soared up, up, and away out of the Valley of Doom. They triumphantly slid off the lift and booted down to the bottom again, this time taking a clearly marked trail that led to the main Village.

Before they knew it, they were snuggled in Darren and Harkat's room, humming the theme music of American Idol. Munching chips. Chugging yet more gatorade. Cheering or booing the singers. Taking funny pictures and videos of each other. Doing what friends do on vacation. Everyone was happier than they'd been in a long time. Even Mika and Kurda were getting along a little better. (Until Kurda spilled cream soda all over Mika's iPod. The iPod still worked, but this didn't stop Mika from attempting to throw Kurda out the window.) After American Idol was over, almost everybody fell asleep where they were sitting. Mika, Arrow, and Harkat were splayed out on the couch, while Mr. Crepsley lay face down on one bed with a pop bottle still in his hand, while Seba reclined on the other bed. Paris lay comfortably on the floor near the TV, and Kurda was curled up in an armchair, with a brush and mirror in his hands. Darren took a picture of his family before crawling onto the only available space (the kitchen table) and dozing off with a smile on his face.


Chapter 10: News From Home


It was another peaceful morning at the Ski Resort. The Vampire Mountain gang had taken a break from skiing after their unplanned camp-out in the Valley of Doom, but they were having a great time shopping around. Everyone felt more kindly to Kurda after he'd fixed the chair lift thus rescuing them all, so they allowed him to take them to his favourite stores and suggest things to try on. (Not that they actually bought anything he suggested.) In fact, the entire gang was getting along better. Seba was less grumpy, Kurda had spent a little less time in front of the mirror, and Mika had only tried to kill him once since they'd returned from the Valley of Doom. Life was bliss. Until Darren looked at the calendar...

"WAKE UP!" he screamed, terrifying his roommate Harkat, and waking up not only the rest of the gang, but everyone else in the hotel. Mr. Crepsley, Seba, Kurda, Mika, Arrow, and Paris stampeded into his room to make sure he was all right.

"What's wrong?" Paris asked concernedly.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Larten inquired.

"Did Harkat try to do something...inappropriate?" Seba added suspiciously, causing the Little Person to blush.

"No and NO!" Darren yelled. "We have to go home today! No more skiing!" As much as he hated to admit it, there were genuine tears in his eyes. He half-expected the others to cheer, but they looked downcast too.

"We can...book our rooms...for longer?" Harkat suggested.

Darren blushed. "I kinda...maxed out our credit cards..."

For several moments, everyone stared miserably at the floor. Then Mr. Crepsley's cell phone broke the silence. He looked at his screen.

"I appear to be receiving a text message..." He pressed a button. "...from Madam Octa?"

"What does it say?" Darren asked, baffled at why the gargantuan spider would be texting Mr. Crepsley. He didn't know she had a cell phone. Damn, he didn't even know she could type.

Mr. Crepsley read the message. He looked shocked beyond belief. He stared at the phone screen for a full minute. Then he looked up at the others and made an alarming announcement:

"Madam Octa is getting married."

It took about 30 seconds for the shock to wear off. When it did, Darren and Harkat looked puzzled but pleased. Mika, Arrow, and Kurda looked disgusted. Paris rolled his eyes. Seba was glowing with pride.

"To the grey spotted spider, I assume?" Seba said.

"Indeed." Larten began to smile. "So we must hurry home. We have a wedding to plan. She has requested the 8 of us specifically."

Everyone stared long and hard at Mr. Crepsley.

"You want us to plan your spider's wedding?" Mika looked insulted.

"Forget it. I don't do weddings anymore, especially not spider weddings." Arrow added.

"Yeah!" Kurda finished lamely.

"Fine. I shall tell Madam Octa, who has enough poison to kill 10 Vampires very painfully, that you do not wish to help with her wedding. I hope for your sake that she will understand."

"What do you mean, we don't want to help? Madam Octa's a great spider, I love Madam Octa! Sure we'll help!" Mika appeared to have had a change of heart. Mr. Crepsley smirked.

"Her name's Madam Octa, right?" Mika added nervously.

"Soon it'll be Mrs. Octa!" Darren laughed. "C'mon, let's pack up and go!"

"I shall tell her we are on our way." Larten grinned, punching buttons on his phone, as the rest of the gang scrambled to re-pack as fast as they could.

An hour later, with 20 re-packed bags in hand, the gang was sprinting out of the hotel towards the Escalade.

"Shotgun!" Mika called, vaulting into the front passenger seat. Darren, who had mastered the art of driving (but not parking) clambered in on the other side. Harkat took up his position in the trunk, sitting on a mammoth pile of luggage. The others packed into the middle seats.

"Are we ready to go?" Darren asked.

"Yes!" said everybody.

"Are we sure?"

"Yes!" said almost everybody.

Darren knew whose voice was missing. "Kurda, if you have to go to the bathroom, just say so."

The stereotypical blonde threw off his seatbelt and crawled over Paris and Arrow to get to the right-hand side door. Even though the left-hand side door was right next to him. He model-walked back into the hotel.

"Let's leave!" Mika suggested excitedly.

"Not such a...bad idea..." Harkat chuckled.

But 10 minutes later, Kurda strutted back out to the car, crawled back over Paris and Arrow, and the Vampire Mountain gang was on the road again. The ride from the Resort to the airport was sleepy and uneventful. Well, Paris made a brief video documentary, and Kurda thought it would be a hilarious idea to moon the camera. Harkat was snoozing peacefully in the back, until a sudden speed bump caused him to topple over the seat into Mr. Crepsley's lap. You know, nothing out of the ordinary. But all the same, everyone was glad to arrive at the airport.

But once inside, they were presented with the same problem as before: they had absolutely no idea which damn plane was theirs. Darren tried not to let anyone see how nervous he was, but after they checked their backs, he had to face the inevitable:

"Guys, I don't know where we're supposed to go. Any ideas?"

"We could just, like, get on one and see where it goes?" Kurda suggested.

"We have a bad idea. That's a start." Mika commented.

"Let's ask someone." Paris said sensibly.

So Darren asked the baggage checkers, who informed him that their flight was departing from gate 18. Wherever the hell that was.

"Harkat, any chance you can hijack one of those golf cart things again?"

"I probably could... but it won't... help us find ...gate 18."

"Can you get one anyway?"

So the gang hung out by the sunglasses stand, trying on frames then posing for Paris to take their pictures, while Harkat snuck discreetly over a parked cart and hotwired it. Darren carefully watched Harkat's progress, then he had an idea. He eyed a security guard snoring on a bench. He casually sat down beside him, and ever so Mission Impossible-y, he snatched the unsuspecting guy's identity tag before slipping back to his friends. Just in time to see Kurda don a pair of shades encrusted with pink crystals.

"Eeek." Mika stated.

"You're just mad 'cuz these won't fit on your face!" Kurda bitched, rubbing his slender pretty-boy nose.

Roll of eyes from Mika. "Yeah. That's the reason."

Luckily, Harkat pulled up. Darren called shotgun and jumped in, fixing the identity tag to Harkat's cloak.

"There. You look like you work here." Darren chuckled.

When everyone had purchased sunglasses (but why Vampires would need sunglasses was beyond Darren) they piled into the golf cart. It wasn't any bigger than the other one they'd ridden, and once again Mr. Crepsley found himself clinging to the roof. Although, unlike last time, they were in no hurry, Harkat still floored it to 80 mph and burned his tires around every turn. But nobody pulled them over. Darren hadn't jacked that identity tag for nothing.

After circling the entire airport at least 3 times, the gang found gate 18 purely by chance. They exited the golf cart and promised to order one (or several) on eBay as soon as they got home. When Darren figured it would be at least an hour before their flight was boarded, the crew proceeded to make themselves comfortable on the waiting benches. Seba stretched out and went to sleep. Paris continued his documentary, which turned out to be quite epic. Darren filmed Paris attempting to film a random person talking on a pay phone. After the annoyed person smashed Paris's camera, he returned to his seat dejectedly. He sat in silence for several moments, before "borrowing" Arrow's camera and chasing another stranger. Darren filmed this too. He'd put it in the "special features'' section of the documentary. Harkat wandered off to tinker with the vending machines.

Mika, Kurda, and Arrow were having a blast on the moving sidewalk. They'd get on one and run in the opposite direction it was going in to see who could make it to the opposite end first.

Mr. Crepsley, Father of the Bride, was watching them with a mixture of amusement and disgust. Paris interviewed him, making sure to catch Mika, Kurda, and Arrow's antics in the background. But the hours dragged on, and the flight wasn't called.

Seba awoke and became cranky. Darren sent him off to Starbucks to get himself some caffeine. Mr. Crepsley and Paris followed him to make sure he didn't encounter any problems along the way. Harkat grew tired of tricking the vending machines, and Mika, Kurda, and Arrow were chased off the sidewalks by airport security. As Seba returned with a massive cup of coffee, an announcement was made:

"Attention passengers of flight 147, departing from gate 18. We regret to inform you that your flight has been cancelled due to unexpected engine problems. Please accept our apologies as we work to fix this problem."

Darren screamed fudgesicles extremely loudly, then turned to watch his friends' expressions. Harkat looked confused, Mika and Arrow looked pissed, Seba looked insulted, Larten and Paris looked disappointed, and Kurda looked blissfully ignorant of the situation as he twirled his hair peacefully.

"What...now?" Harkat mumbled. "Please say...we are not...stuck here?"

"I'll try to book us another flight." saud Darren numbly, walking up to the booking counter, leaving his crew to complain loudly. Ten minutes later, he returned.

"I've got some good news and some bad news. I've booked us another flight home, but it leaves tomorrow. Think you guys can handle another night in a hotel?"

Mixed reactions followed. Harkat was agreeable as usual. Seba refused flat out, saying that the entire trip was an abomination. Kurda wanted to know if the hotel had a spa. Mika demanded private rooms. Arrow agreed to go, as long as there was room service and a No Vampaneze Allowed policy. Seba, Larten, and Paris wanted to know what the fine dining accommodations were like. Darren tried his best to answer:

"Ok. Harkat, I appreciate your enthusiasm. Seba, unless you wanna sleep on the airport floor, you're coming with us. Kurda, I'm sure they do, but if not, you can just sleep in the bathtub. Mika, sorry, but we don't have enough money for private rooms, in fact, we'll have to share one room. Arrow, you can have as much room service as your little heart desires. Paris and Mr. C, as for fine dining, I'm sure there's plenty of vending machines. Everyone OK with that? No? Well, tough. Now everyone back to the Escalade!"

On that merry note, Darren Shan's troops marched back to the ivory coloured Cadillac Escalade sparkling in the airport parking lot.


Chapter 11: Return To Vampire Mountain


"Whooooooaa!" was Kurda's reaction when Darren steered the Escalade into the parking lot of a massive resort hotel.

"What's this...place called?" Harkat yelled from the back of the fancy SUV.

"Le Hotel Grande!" Darren answered.

"Not more damn French!" Mika moaned as Darren swooped the Escalade gracefully around one of the little gardens adorning the gargantuan parking lot. Chamillionaire's "Ridin' Dirty'' blasted on the luxury stereo. Darren waved at a young couple pulling Prada suitcases out of a Mercedes-Benz. Nearby, a group of businessmen piled into a sleek limousine while a group of young girls with massive sunglasses texted on their cellphones as they strutted into the hotel laden with shopping bags.

"Um, Darren, question: Those chicks have Gucci suitcases. And D&G shades. How can we, like, afford a hotel this richie?" Kurda inquired.

"Richie is not a word." growled the Father of the Bride, Larten Crepsley.

Kurda stuck out his tongue. Mika threw his iPod at Kurda's head. Kurda threw it back, but it hit Paris instead, giving him a bloody nose.

"I managed to afford a luxury suite here!" Darren said excitedly.

"Please tell me you didn't just say A luxury suite, as in one!" Mika complained. " Why not just private rooms in some dump if it's only for one night? I can't handle another night inhaling Kurda's toxic hair chemicals!"

Darren rolled his eyes. "You don't have to share a bed with him, you know!"

"Hell no!" Mika snarled. "But I can smell his Britney Spears crap from a mile away!"

"I'll make sure he leaves his gunk in the car." Darren sighed, desperate to please all his friends for allowing him to drag them to another hotel.

"Speaking... of the car... shouldn't we be... parking soon?" Harkat asked as they began their fourth loop around the parking lot.

Darren had known all along that he couldn't avoid it. It was time to tell his friends that he had absolutely no idea how to park. He closed his eyes, blurted out the bad news, and braced himself.

The reactions were standard: Seba exploded in a barrage of furious and cranky complaints. Harkat tried to remain positive. Kurda squealed that the air conditioning in the car was bad for his skin. Mika shot dark glances at Darren while he and Arrow muttered insults under their breath. Paris sighed in exasperation, pulled out his camera and proceeded to interview Larten on his opinion of the situation. Darren hummed "Ridin' Dirty'' as he regretted bringing the computer into Vampire Mountain.

Harkat clambered up to the front of the car and seated himself between the stick shift and Darren's seat.

"Parking is...quite simple, really. All you have...to do is stop...and back yourself...in." Harkat explained kindly.

"The spaces are so tiny though!" Darren moaned. "I'll hit another car! And then I'll have to pay for it!"

"Good...point." Now even Harkat looked concerned.

"We can't just stay in here forever." Seba added grumpily.

"What do you say, Darren? Take one for the team?" Mr. Crepsley said slightly more kindly.

Mika, Arrow, Paris, Seba, and even Kurda could see that complaining would get them nowhere. If they wanted Darren to park them somewhere, they had to boost his ego.

"Darren! Darren! Darren!" Arrow chanted awkwardly, trying to get the others going. Paris and Mika joined in halfheartedly. Kurda, however, had a different approach: he rummaged in his baby blue carry-on Prada bag and pulled out a pair of mini fuschia and silver pom-poms. Mika cringed.

"Gimme a D! Gimme a R! Gimme an A! Gimme another R! Gimme an N! What's that spell?"

"Drarn?" Mika guessed.

"Darren!" Kurda complained incredulously, amazed that Mika could be so totally clueless.

"OK I'LL DO IT!" Darren yelled determinedly. And without further ado, he swung around backwards, and shot the Escalade right into the nearest parking space. !

"Darren, I am no expert on driving, but I think it would be better to first see if the parking space is empty, then park the car." the Father of the Bride said helpfully.

"You know what, Larten? Shut up." Darren growled at his mentor as he backed away from the wreckage of a pale green SmartCar. "Those little things are just asking to be hit."

But after five different cheers from Kurda, a dented Lamborghini, and a smashed headlight on a Limo, Darren had the gang parked neatly (kinda) by a charming water fountain.

"Land! Solid land!" Kurda wailed as he flung himself out of the Escalade onto the pavement.

"Drama queen." Mika grumbled as he carefully stepped around Kurda.

"Barbie." Arrow added.

"Be polite, boys." Paris reprimanded the younger princes.

As they drew nearer to the hotel, Mr. Crepsley whispered to Darren:

"Are you sure we can afford this?"

"I'm absolutely sure. I checked our credit balance, and we had exactly enough for one night."

"Exactly? As in nothing left over?" Seba interrupted. "Those infernal plastic cards are abominations! This damned concrete jungle is an abomination! The flying tin cans are abominations! This trip is an abomination! The abomination is an abomination!"

"Freak fest much?" Kurda commented.

"You used that line already, Kurda. Once was too much. Twice is an abomination." Mika added, before screaming "AAAHH! I'M TURNING INTO SEBA!" He whacked himself with his backpack. Darren gritted his teeth and tried to stay calm as Seba whipped out a tube of toothpaste and squeezed it at Mika in retaliation.

"Hey! Hey! HEY!" Paris bellowed, snatching the toothpaste and the backpack before Mika could severely injure Seba. "Seba, knock it off. Mika, you should know better than to let him make you mad."

Mika was about to say something rude, but was interrupted by Seba's screech of "What the HELL is THAT?"

Darren had been expecting this.

"Relax. It's just a rotating door."

"Rotating door?" Excuse me? Where I come from, doors do NOT rotate. I should take this disgusting abomination off to the Hall of Death! What is wrong with these humans? Are normal doors not good enough anymore? They have to be all rotatey this, and spinny that, why can they not be satisfied with simple things?" He continued on and on, but Darren tuned him out. He was exhausted to the limit, unbelievably frustrated, and friggin' hungry. And he felt a massive headache coming on. But he pushed it all aside and walked through the rotating door, hoping everyone would follow him.

Luckily, they did, although Seba had to be led forcibly by Mika and Arrow. Darren numbly checked them in and got their room key, barely noticing Harkat's attempt to climb a large decorative water fountain, or Seba sniffing a potted plant and panicking when he realised it was fake. And he tried not to notice the suspicious looks from strangers as he opened the door of the hotel room and leaned tiredly against the wall as his grumpy friends trooped in. But his annoyance vanished as he entered the "room". It wasn't just a room, it had 2 bedrooms with 2 beds each, a gleaming kitchen, a plasma screen TV, 2 computers, and an outdoor balcony complete with a hot tub.

"Ahhh!" Kurda squeaked, stripping down and running out to the hot tub. Mika screamed and covered his eyes. Mr. Crepsley and Paris ignored Kurda, but looked relieved and satisfied as they went to deposit their luggage in their room. Arrow and Harkat wandered into the kitchen to examine the fully-stocked fridge. Mika closed the curtains so he couldn't see Kurda outside, and flopped down on the couch, across from a very tired Darren. Arrow and Harkat took their places on either side of Mika, each with a club-size bag of chips and a crate of pop.

But after a marathon of soap operas, cop shows, murder mysteries, and (after Kurda returned) Pussycat Dolls music videos, the gang decided to go to bed so they'd be fresh for their 6:30 am flight. Everyone spread out on whatever couch, table, bed or chair they could find, and soon the only sound was Mr. Crepsley's snoring, Seba's grumpy sleep-mutterings, and Harkat nibbling quietly on a large steak.

It seemed like only minutes later when a shrill alarm shattered the peaceful silence. Seven pairs of sensitive Vampire ears cringed at the horrible sound. Darren dragged his sleepy crew down to the All You Can Eat breakfast buffet where they were baffled by rows upon rows of strange food and creepy French chefs in strange outfits. After a large breakfast and a quick trip to the spa, (Kurda's orders), the 8 friends once again raced towards the Escalade, with Mika riding the coveted position of shotgun, and Harkat smuggling in the trunk. Darren smoothly un-parked and they hit the nearly empty highway.

Darren immediately blasted his favourite song "Ridin' Dirty" and was shocked but delighted when almost everyone sang along. With one hand on the wheel and the other flying out the window, Kurda howling the lyrics sounding more like a Spice Girl than Chamillionaire, Seba complaining about the "infernal human noise", Mika and Arrow pretending to play electric guitars (Even though it was a rap song, not rock.), and Harkat joyfully flinging gummy bears into the air, and the dark, empty pavement ahead and behind them, Darren had never felt so happy and alive.

But all too soon, the ride was over, and the Vampire Mountain gang found themselves exiting their beloved

Escalade for the last time. (But nobody would forget they had been there, everyone had signed the back of the driver's seat in Kurda's pink Sharpie.)

The plane ride home was uneventful. Honestly, truly, completely, ACTUALLY uneventful. Harkat didn't encounter any difficulties with the airport bathroom, Seba enjoyed the in-flight meal provided, Kurda seemed to have gotten over his air sickness, Paris was almost done with his video documentary, and Darren didn't bother to regret bringing the computer into Vampire Mountain.. The flight, the baggage claim, and most of the ride home passed in a blur. Harkat was driving this time, so Darren relaxed and appreciated the now familiar landscape that rushed past the windows. Until Harkat slammed on the breaks causing everyone in the back of the van and their luggage to fly forwards.

Lying on the floor with his head jammed under the Arrow's suitcase, Mr. Crepsley managed to reach up and pull the handle to open the door for everyone to tumble out. Once escaped from the confines of the UPS van, the gang raced full speed towards Vampire Mountain. They were home.

Later...

The 8 travellers settled back in rather well. The Guardians of Blood had thrown wild parties in the Prince's absence, and Madam Octa had built a terrifyingly long list of wedding tasks to be planned, and everyone's in-box was clogged with spam, but the mountain was in good order considering the situation.

Darren ejected the foot stool on his armchair and leaned back comfortably as he watched Dr. Phil. Everything was back to normal.

Then without warning, "Dontcha wish ya girlfriend was HOT like ME!" came blasting from a pink iPod somewhere upstairs. The next sound was Mika thundering upstairs swearing he would crush the iPod into pieces if Kurda didn't turn it off NOW. Darren regretted bringing the computer into Vampire mountain as Seba let loose a barrage of cranky complaints about "abominative youngsters and their blasphemous noise!" Harkat opened the fridge, poked around inside, then jumped back sharply and said uncomfortably,

"Darren, what on...earth is this...green thing? Not even I...would eat it. It appears to be...growing hair?"

Normal by Vampire standards, anyway.