Note: This is a sister story to The Inevitability of Oversight (see works) chapters 27/28. Reading that story is necessary to understand this. Thank you.

xXx

Anakin sat in the small, calm room where he normally met his mind-healers, letting himself relax into the dark-brown (why did the Jedi seem to like browns and tans?) armchair he tended to favor as Master Tai'k Xio, an older, dark-skinned human woman with white hair spoke to him about his most recent visit with Chancellor Palpatine. Or, more accurately, his visit to the Senate as the Chancellor had been unable to see him.

"So, he didn't even get a chance to see you?" Master Xio asked, sounding surprised.

Anakin shook his head. "No, thank the Force. Although he did have his secretary try and hand a 'gift' in the form of used droid parts over to me.

She blinked. "Used… droid parts?"

The initiate smiled a little sheepishly. "To be fair, I would have loved that the first time around."

"And you don't now?" she asked, one eyebrow raised.

Anakin coughed. "Well, I wouldn't say that, but… it isn't worth the potential cost." He looked down as his hands clenched into fists. "It feels like giving in."

She let out a long breath and put her data pad down on her lap. "I can see how you would feel that way, and accepting gifts from people is discouraged in the Jedi Order unless a cultural rule applies."

"Exactly what I told him," Anakin said.

Master Xio's mouth tightened. "So he's trying to undermine our rules."

The blond boy snorted. "Are you surprised?"

Her shoulders dropped a little. "No. Just… disappointed, I suppose."

They sat in silence for a few moments before Anakin nodded and sat back in his chair. "Yeah." What else could he say? He didn't exactly want a Sith in charge of the Galactic Republic either (well, anymore). And he assumed she meant she was disappointed in the fact that the current Chancellor happened to be one of the worst Sith Lords in history. (Sane people didn't exactly expect Sith Lords to be decent beings in general, after all.)

"So, do you know who placed the worm he was dealing with this time?" she asked.

Anakin shook his head. "Siri claimed she didn't. I have no idea who else could. Those aren't security measures you can just get around."

The older woman rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "No, they wouldn't be."

A few more moments of quiet fell before she clapped her hands once. "Well, is there anything else you'd like to address today?"

He didn't answer for a couple of seconds, but when he finally did, he took a deep breath. "Obi-wan… asked me to become his Padawan alongside Ferus."

Master Xio's eyes widened in surprise. "Really?" she asked. Anakin nodded and the Jedi Master let out another, much faster breath. "Well, that's… surprising."

"You have a gift for understatement."

She snorted, but shot him a reproving look. Then her expression sobered. "How do you feel about that?"

Anakin didn't answer as he thought through the question and any true answers, but his brain felt like a jumbled mess when it came to Obi-wan and his offer.

And he only felt slightly shamed to admit it instead of so intensely shamed that he couldn't even examine it. He'd take what positivity he could get at the moment.

"I… don't know."

"Remember to set aside how you should feel, and really look at how you do feel," she prompted, reminding him of how closely she worked with Girth, his other mind-healer, when she spoke his phrases like that. When he still didn't answer, she tipped her head to one side cautiously. "Do you want to try and talk through it?"

He frowned, but then decided he may as well. He was sure she had something else they could talk about, but he really did want to sort out his perspective on this, so he nodded and jumped right in.

"You're right. I feel like I should feel honored – and I do, to an extent…"

"But," she prompted.

"I don't know," he replied again, frustrated. Then decided to try from a different angle. "I like the idea of going with Obi-wan again, but… it scares me too." He held up a hand. "I know, fear, anger, hate, in that order."

She shook her head. "Fear can lead to anger, which can lead to hate, which usually leads to suffering, but that isn't exclusive. That's a simple ideal we teach our children hoping their masters will expound on that later, but perhaps that's something else that needs to change."

Right, the changes Anakin had seen – especially having to do with the Jedi Younglings. He was curious about that, and positive she had at least some answers for him… but no, he needed to focus. He made a mental note to ask about those later.

Going back to the insight she had on the basic Jedi tenant, he decided he liked her point about how each of those emotions could lead to the other, but didn't have to necessarily. He rather thought the whole point should be reversed. Hate comes from anger, which comes from fear, not necessarily the other way around. He'd felt anger many times that hadn't led to his Falling… although he could see that it may have made him comfortable in that emotional state which could have made Falling easier, he supposed…

But he couldn't really do anything about Jedi teachings at the moment.

Right, focus.

Was his difficulty with focusing a childhood thing? Because he hadn't had this much of a problem as an adult…

They'd been talking about Obi-wan and his offer. Right.

As if reading his thoughts (how did she do that?!), Master Xio spoke. "I can understand why choosing to be Obi-wan's padawan again might… not be the wisest choice," she said diplomatically.

Anakin nodded tiredly, only really able to agree. "There's just so much… baggage there, and I'd have to tell him everything." Seeing that look of utter shock, horror and betrayal on Obi-wan's face again… he wasn't sure he could handle that a second time. To be fair, he hadn't handled it well the first time.

Looking up through ash and dust, barely able to breathe, in pain and unable to do much more than squirm like… like a helpless worm, and he saw the man he'd trusted so much – who had betrayed him so completely and utterly – far more than the rest of the Jedi combined… and he just sat there, watching with an expression torn between righteous pride and utter devastation.

Anakin felt some sense of satisfaction in seeing that last one there.

"I hate you! I HATE YOU!"

He shook his head, banishing the memory to the recesses of his mind as he looked down at the worn, beige carpet.

"If I accept his offer… what if it leads to the same place?" His voice came out as far more of a whisper than he would have liked.

She seemed curious at that. "Do you really think you'd Fall again, knowing what you already know?"

Anakin blinked at her straight-forward statement, thought for a moment, and eventually sighed. "No," he said. "That is… not a well-founded fear."

"But it's still understandable," she said softly. "You trusted Obi-wan, he trusted you, and somehow I think you were both let down – pitted against each other unwittingly."

The time-traveler let out a long, deep breath. "Yes," he said, voice equally quiet. "I suppose we were."

"Would you say, perhaps, that idea of letting him down again – or of him letting you down again – may be part of that fear?" she asked.

Anakin thought about it and eventually realized that she was, indeed, right. The idea of failing his former (future?) Master so badly again almost twisted his stomach into knots. It only got worse when he though of Obi-wan failing him with similar results. "More than a part," he replied.

"Fear," Master Xio began slowly, "is a defense mechanism our brain uses to stop us from hurting ourselves. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's only when we entertain or encourage that fear without sufficient cause that it becomes a problem. That's when it starts leading to hate."

Huh. He'd never really thought of it that way before, but she wasn't wrong. "True," he acknowledged.

"Either being his padawan again would be detrimental to one or both of you, or it will be helpful. Do you think that constant fear will go away after some time learning under him again? Or would it remain? Would it grow worse?"

Anakin deflated, already knowing the answer to that question. "It… would remain." He shook his head. "I trusted him for a decade of my life, at least. The only thing I never trusted him with was my marriage to Padme and… well, the Tuskan Raiders."

She blinked. "Tuskan… Raiders?"

Right, he hadn't explained that one yet, had he.

He took a deep breath and braced himself. "I… believe it's the first time I really gave into the dark side. I… had been dreaming for weeks that my mother was hurt and dying. It was the first time I was sent on a mission alone, to escort the then Senator of Naboo to her home world as protection because she'd been targeted by assassins. I'd told Obi-wan about them… he told me dreams pass, in time." He grit his teeth, closing his eyes against the sensory input. It felt like too much right now.

"I… still resent him for that."

"I, see," Master Xio said slowly. "Please, continue."

Anakin breathed again. "I couldn't hide it from Padme and ended up telling her. She encouraged me to seek my mother out, and so we recklessly left her home planet – without telling anyone, mind you – and visited my old slave-master's shop, then traced my mother to her new home with my step-father, Cleigg. I'd never met him or my step brother before.

"They told me my mother had been taken by the Sand People – the Tuskan Raiders. They've always been a plague to the people of Tatooine, but that still didn't…" he shook his head. "I'm getting ahead of myself. My stepfather had tried to go after her, but had lost his leg doing so. They were remote enough that I felt fine leaving Padme there to go after her."

He took another bracing breath for the next part and opened his eyes, staring stonily at his mind-healer. "I found her in an encampment. Family tents in circles and she happened to be smack in the middle in a guarded tent. She'd been tortured for weeks, and yet she still found the strength to tell me she knew she'd see me again, how handsome I was, how she l… loved me." He had to remind himself that his mother was still alive. If that weren't true, saying this would be infinitely more difficult, and he already found it so hard to get through.

But it was necessary.

He had far worse deeds he would eventually need to confront and confess, after all.

"She died in my arms." He shook his head. "Unlike most Jedi, I remember my mother. She did everything she could to protect me – showed me what real love is, just by living. And if I'd just been there even a day earlier, she—" He cut off, and had to swallow, then focused on calming his heart rate down. Master Yoda wasn't in the session this time, so he couldn't allow himself to lose control. Not this close to Sidious, who he'd just escaped for one more week.

"What happened after that?" Master Xio asked quietly. She knew something unpleasant was coming.

She wasn't wrong.

"I killed them," he said, almost nonchalant. He had to work to keep his voice from cracking as it had when he'd explained to Padme all those years ago. "With my lightsaber."

He saw Xio tense as the implications sank in. "All of them?" she asked.

"Every last one of them… and I was satisfied." He shook his head. "Now that I look back I can see that I was, on some level, horrified by what I'd done. But they'd deserved it."

"Even the children? You mentioned family tents..."

Anakin closed his eyes. The children that came to mind weren't the ones dressed in Tuskan Raider clothes on Tatooine, and he wasn't sure if that made him a worse person than he'd already thought he was or not. (Could he be worse than he already thought he was?)

He nodded. "I tore through that entire encampment and left them to the desert. I took my mom back to the Lars farmstead and buried her there. I told Padme everything and then the Clone Wars started and we were thrown into war." He sighed. "We had to go rescue Obi-wan and that was the inciting incident kicked off the Clone Wars.

"My relationship with Obi-wan was… complicated. I couldn't lose him, but I resented him for not letting me save my mother."

"You have no idea if he even asked the Council?"

Anakin suddenly felt as if a heavier weight rested on his back again as he shook his head tiredly. "No. For all I know, he could have and was rejected. Or maybe he didn't feel the need to. Or perhaps something happened previously in his life and that is what he was told. It still cost me my mother."

"I'm guessing you never learned how to properly grieve."

Anakin snorted. "No."

Xio sighed. "I think that is something you should ask Healer Girth about in your next session, as he may have some insight that helps you more, but here in the Temple –"

"Rejoice when someone joins the Force," Anakin cut in bitterly. "Yes, I know."

The Master blinked. "That's an admiral goal, to be sure – grieving to a point where you rejoice at their happiness over your pain. However, that doesn't just happen."

"That's what Yoda told me during the war… right before I turned."

Another long sigh. That had happened a lot this session. "Master Yoda is also almost 900 years old and has lost many, many friends, teachers and padawans. He's probably perfected his grieving process to a point where it seems like he's jumping directly to the end goal. He… may have forgotten that that isn't how it works at the beginning."

Anakin tipped his head to one side, eyes on the smooth, white ceiling as he thought that over. He knew Master Yoda wanted to teach in the creche so he never forgot the basics… but they don't exactly teach grieving in the creche…

"I… see your point," he conceded. "But if that is the case, how does a Jedi grieve?"

"Well, first thing is first: you have to recognize that everyone dies. If you cannot accept that, you are only setting yourself up for more pain in the future. Accepting that people will die is the first step. Not accepting death is like not accepting the natural order of life and the Force. The dead make way for younger generations to grow and learn. The dead nurture and feed the living, whether that be by becoming food for plants or the knowledge they leave behind. All living things will eventually die – and death can be a release just as much as it can be a punishment.

"The second thing you must do is to allow yourself to feel pain."

Anakin blinked. "What?" he asked. "That sounds almost Sithly…"

She shook her head calmly. "No. Sith, from what I understand, seek out pain and hurt. They want to multiply it and draw strength from it. But realizing that you cannot avoid all pain – whether mental, physical or emotional – is also a very vital step in any grieving process. Constantly trying to avoid it by either distracting yourself or denying it isn't healthy. You must feel it and understand it before you let it go to the Force. I know that can be difficult, but that is one reason why we teach children at such a young age, to help them learn the process of releasing their emotions to a point where it becomes second nature. Feeling the emotion is part of that.

"I'm guessing no one explained this to you when you first came to the Temple…?"

Anakin shook his head. "No."

Master Xio sighed and made another note on her data pad before turning back to him. "In any case, with the second step, you must understand your pain – and what caused it – as best you can before releasing it, otherwise it simply keeps coming back."

The time-traveler just stared at her, face completely blank.

Then, finally, he said: "That… makes a great deal more sense than what I understood when I became a Jedi or at any point afterwards."

She smiled sympathetically. "I'm sorry it was missed. This is a very basic initiate teaching."

He nodded, realizing that his Obi-wan simply hadn't realized he'd needed such a basic explanation as it was likely second nature to really feel and process something before moving on for him. (Although he did his own fair share of hoarding his emotions as well… yet more evidence he wasn't the perfect Jedi Anakin had always made him out to be.)

"Perhaps," Xio said softly, breaking into his thoughts, "that is why Jedi are encouraged to not get attached. When one is attached, one will inevitably lose that attachment and you will have to feel pain. If one avoids attachment one avoids pain."

Anakin could see it, but… "That sounds like a terribly limited view to me," he replied, quiet but firm.

The white-haired woman blinked at him curiously. "Why do you say that?"

He thought carefully over his next words before he spoke. "Because I may have Fallen due to attachments and love, but love also brought me back to the light. Going through life without feeling love in order to avoid pain… doesn't sound like a life to me at all." He put a hand to the side of his face. "Not that I am a stellar idol to follow in that category… but the chances that my son and daughter will come to being in this universe are slim to none. I know that… but this universe will be the worse for it."

Master Xio studied him for several seconds before smiling. "An interesting point… and I think it's something we will most definitely have to address later. I've been speaking with Girth and I agree with him in that it's understandable that you will need to grieve your children." Her voice quieted as his breath caught in his throat. He… hadn't thought of it like that before. They wouldn't be there.. he'd essentially killed them by coming back in time… Somehow, it just hadn't hit home like it did at that moment.

"However, that is for later," Master Xio said, much to Anakin's relief. "You see, I believe we've gotten off track here. You were explaining your feelings towards Obi-wan's offer of padawanship? You were speaking of why you didn't trust him with some of your deeper secrets?"

Anakin wanted to groan, but he forced himself not to. 45-year-old ex-Siths didn't groan over something like that.

"Ah, yes. Because of what happened with my mother, I never trusted him with Padme… and I never told anyone else about the Tuscans… except for Palpatine, of course."

Xio looked pained and her brows drew together, but she only 'hmmed' in agreement.

"In any case, I trusted the wrong person because of a misunderstanding. I should have insisted on going to save her… or sneaked away. But I still thought too much like a slave. My master said 'no', and so I simply kept complaining and hinting instead of outright explaining." He snorted softly in derision. "It seems her death is just as much my fault as it is anyone else's."

The Master outright frowned pointedly. "Anakin, that isn't fair to you or to Obi-wan. Other actions could have been taken, but remember what I said earlier about accepting that people die and you cannot save everyone."

"I could have saved her," he insisted.

She conceded with a nod, "Maybe, but she would have died eventually. You could have saved her again and again and again… but one day, either something will come along that you will not be able to save her from, or she will contract a disease that you will have no control over." She sighed, "And I know that sounds harsh and cold. I know it comes from a Jedi who doesn't even remember her family. But you have to learn to move on. Doing so doesn't disrespect those people you move on from or their memories but honors them instead. You must accept that their loss will mean a hole in your life after they leave, but that is only because they enriched it so before hand. That it is okay to hurt, but eventually you must learn to live with it and work around it.

"Blaming yourself at that point only helps one person, and he happens to have power over in the Senate right now."

Anakin saw where she was coming from, he did… but it still sounded far too simple. Grief, for him, just didn't work like that.

Did it?

She stood and strode over, standing before him, and then squatting down so he had to look down at her, slightly.

"As for training under Obi-wan… whatever choice you make will be the right one. I think you could fit very well with him again. You obviously care for him, and I believe you can move past the baggage, even if you never completely rid yourself of it. Your relationship will be different, but I believe it could be just as good as what you had with him before. Better even, because you have healthier coping mechanisms right now.

"However, if you choose not to, you have just as many reasons. No matter what you choose, you will learn from that path. No matter who you choose, you will dedicate yourself to learning what you can from them. Your choices may make both of your futures different, but they will all be good this time around, as long as you keep working. As long as you do not give up."

And she really believed that.

"I… don't want to hurt him," he whispered. "Not again."

"No matter how good you are, you cannot go through life without hurting people. And sometimes doing what is right means you have to hurt someone. The point is to try and minimize that pain for everyone involved as much as possible.

"So you need to decide which course of action will cause the least amount of pain, and the most amount of good for everyone involved."

He thought about that… thought about everything he and Obi-wan had been through; thought about the banter and the jokes, the pokes and prods, the safety when knowing they each had the other's back… and then he thought about all the resentment, the sad faces Obi-wan would make when he didn't think Anakin could see, the regret and pain and utter exhaustion… and he realized he wouldn't give that up. Not now, not ever.

But he'd outgrown that part of his life and his need for all of those things as they had been.

Part of him longed for that time again, but… he knew, in his heart, what choice he had to make.

"I… don't think I'll accept his offer," he finally said.

"Do you have your reasons for them?" Master Xio asked.

He nodded, feeling more confident in his decision. "Yes."

She smiled and stood. "Good." Then she turned and walked back to her chair.

"Just like that?" he asked. "You don't want me to explain?"

She shrugged. "Your reasons are your own. You don't have to tell your therapist everything." She winked at him coyly. "Everyone needs and deserves some privacy."

He blinked at her. Huh.

"Unless you want to discuss it, of course," she amended with a warm smile.

He returned it. "I think I'm good."

"Okay then," she said with a nod. "Although it might be a good idea to discuss any more offers you receive."

Oh… right.

"About that…"

She paused and blinked up at him. "Who else has offered to take you on as a Padawan?" she asked warily.

"Well… Siri, but it doesn't feel right for now, and I've discussed it with her. Master Yaddle, although that was mostly to get out of seeing Palpatine, but I'm pretty sure she'd still accept me if it felt right, and… um… Master Windu."

Master Xio sighed. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me…"

Anakin looked on sympathetically. "I rather felt the same way. And… um… he knows I used to be a Sith."

She blinked at him again, seemingly unable to process that. "He… knows?"

"You expected me to be in a cell under the Temple somewhere?" he asked wryly.

"Well… yes," she responded bluntly.

Anakin snorted. "Me too."

"Huh," she said, obviously still trying to wrap her head around that. He didn't realize she knew Master Windu so well. "And he wants to train you?"

"I think he believes he can keep an eye on me," he said, still half-amused, half-bitter about that.

"To be fair, if anyone knows how to skirt the edge of the darkness without falling in, it would be Mace Windu."

He… hadn't seen it like that before. "True," he conceded.

"Also, he wouldn't take you on if he didn't see potential in you. He's the kind of person who dedicates himself to his commitments heart and soul. He also tends to get… frustrated with people who don't do the same to whatever commitment they make."

That… actually explained a lot about Mace Windu.

"He's actually gotten better, recently. Part of the reason he made his Vapaad style is because he has quite the temper on him that he's had to work very hard on curbing. That would be something he can teach to you as well."

Before, Anakin doubted he would have seen it, but with the experience he had now… he snickered. It was so obvious…

"So," she began again, "what do you think about accepting his invitation?"

Anakin thought about it and finally shook his head. "It would be either the absolute best decision for the galaxy or the absolute worst. And I really can't decide which."

Xio laughed, but Anakin wasn't kidding. He and Mace Windu… living in close proximity for the next decade at least… he honestly wasn't sure if the Jedi Temple would remain standing, let alone the Jedi Order.

"Well, I suppose that is up for you to decide, but you seem like you want to think on that some more before you discuss it deeply."

Anakin nodded, probably a little too quickly that time, relieved that she saw that.

"Very well," she smiled. "Just be prepared to discuss it with me next time. Shall we adjourn for the day?"

"Yes," Anakin said, gratefully.

Again, Master Xio laughed.

xXx

AN: So I promised no more therapy sessions in Inevitability (I will be posting a placeholder in case I decide it's necessary later), but I felt this was necessary for me to continue with Anakin's character, so yeah. Tell me in comments whether you think this should go in the actual story or stay here as a side/sister story. :)

Thank you to Khalthar and Quathis for their help in this!

Also thank you to everyone who sent in suggestions for the title of the story! I got so many good ones and I'm very happy with the title to this one! So thank you again!