AN: I've started this story about four times now so I'm hoping that this time I will finally have it down right. I was going to wait until a huge upload to put it up but I am really proud of it. I hope you enjoy it too. It is an R piece but there won't be too many sexual moments so please don't request

The Light of My Life

Chapter One – My Memories

The clock on the wall is about two minutes slow, its hour hand is just a bit slanted meaning that somebody must have damaged it at some point whilst removing it and then hanging it up later, there is a weird click as it moves meaning that they must have taken off the hand at one time and then when putting it back on, instead of putting it flat, must have turned it to an angle, the point of projection I'm not getting, somewhere between seven and twelve degrees of change, my eyes must be tired.

I hear a few pens click as some documents get changed. The new guy at the table doesn't have that clean click sound as he presses his pen down meaning that it must be one of those cheaper pens that you find at office supply shops. The eldest gentlemen, our chief financial officer, his pen sounds very clear and is gold plated usually something presented by a mentee. I wonder what connections he has with the young ones in our company and whether this is something I need to check in on.

The papers have been read over, the way that the paper feels underneath my finger means it hasn't been printed today, it's gathered too much dust for that. I look up, my eyes observing those around me.

"So," I say knowing I have a professionally blunt expression on my face as I feel the Italian fabric on my suit. "We've finished talking about the quarterly projections. I am expecting to see a greater profit in the months ahead of us and I will be checking in directly with the management leaders from all of our departments. That's what my grandfather is expecting. Meeting adjourned."

I see people standing up, they are waiting for me to leave but I want to sit here for a little while longer. Being in London has an effect on me the same way that Tokyo does. I can look outside the window and just remember the time that I have spent here. Those years when I was a teenager and my girlfriend, later fiancée, and wife at the time of her disappearance, vanished and as much as I thought of myself as an investigator, I could find no trace of her dead or alive, just her university uniform stained in blood.

Four years later, that still chills me.

She would have been twenty-four just one week ago. She would have graduated from university with a degree in medicine with a specialty in sports medicine and we might even have had a child or two. That was before someone with a grudge against the Takishima family murdered her. I gave up hoping that she'd come back to me a year ago. It killed me to acknowledge that fact.

Still, life moves forward and tomorrow I will be looking at office buildings and making sure there is nobody who feels comfortable enough to foolishly throw themselves at me as if I want them. No, I am content with my dreams and memories of her. They might have taken her away from me and I may have been plotting murder towards them from the day the uniform was found but they will not take away my love for her, the time we spent together. No way.

"Mister Takishima," one of the men who is ten years older than me begins, tilting his head politely to the side. "Are you rea-"

"The meeting is over," I tell them, "Any additional time you take in this room is time that is better off doing the assignments that I gave you. I am going to stay in here for a moment longer," I look up and smile to an old friend of mine whose wife talked me into giving him this job. "Karino, you stay," I try not to smile and he sighs before nodding. I roll my eyes as the men walk out of the office.

"So, what's up?" Tadashi asks as he sits back down. I know that socially he's a hit with all of the people within the company despite being our lead in international business affairs and our researcher when it comes to remote locations we can one day hope to expand into, he's also a close friend of mine. "I thought about contacting you last week but last year you threw multiple things at my head. I mean, when Akira does it, doesn't hurt as much," he tries to smile and I look down.

"I need to take a trip soon, visit with the Hanazono family," I tell him. I contact them around this time every year since it's hard for all of us. It's hard for me to close my eyes and just see her smiling face reflected on my thoughts. I know that she won't return to us but I also know that despite the multiple times that this unprofessional friend of mine will suggest it, I'm not going to let him be my wingman to meet women. The only woman who was ever stimulating enough for me is dead.

"Are you sure you don't want to be accompanied on that trip?" he asks me and I look away.

"It's better to pay my respects alone," I reply. I look down to my wallet where I always have a picture of the two of us and I have the ring that I gave to her. It took a year to get it from the crime scene detectives but this was the ring that I used to propose to her. I felt like such a kid back then. I thought that happiness could be attainable, that my happiness could be attainable.

"Meet me tonight, we're checking out that new building in Essex," I tell him and he sighs.

"Can't we meet a little earlier?" he asks, "I mean, there has to be a pub or a restaurant or somewhere fun for us to go."

"I'm interested in the building, we'll go there first," I tell him and Tadashi sighs but nods. At least I have a friend by my side. At least I still have five people my own age I feel connected to but none of them even hold a candle to them, my light, my Hikari.

…..

…..

"Was that enough for you?" I ask as I place my handcuffed hands atop the man's chest, I smile as I try not to taste whatever is on my lips and I see his stupid smile which I hate so much. This has been my life for what feels like ten years but it may have only been nine months. I used to keep track…well before the injury with my heart. After that all of these johns got the vetting that they deserved. I want to kick this man where it'll make the most damage but maybe that's all because of insanity.

I used to try to reason with these people. I used to get scared and plead my case, tell them who I am and that I knew powerful people and that I could get them things and then I realized that the only way I am ever going to get out of here is if I am dead.

It's hard to die when they slip you into a French maid's uniform and handcuff you.

I always remember that I loved to be praised for my accomplishments, used to be treated like a celebrity, I used to have a fiancé – no, husband, who loved me but apparently he thinks I'm dead and he's stopped trying to find me anymore. This man has nothing on him. Kei Takishima might have seemed a little distant but he was kind, he was funny, he was handsome, he definitely earned his first place spot. I never knew how lucky I had it chasing after him for so many years.

He inspired me, motivated me. Now the only motivation I have is hate and the wish that one of these sick freaks will one day free me. I feel his hand slip under my underwear and he smiles as he moves around in there. I glare at him.

"Such a pretty girl like you," he says and I don't know what this jerk's name is. I just know that this is not my lucky day. This guy isn't going to help me. "You want to give me a gift, don't you?"

"Well are you going to give me anything?" I ask as I nuzzle his neck and hum, "You like that do you? You know, I'll stay with you if you get me out of here."

Lies. They are all lies but I have to try anything I can. It's been too many days since I've seen the sun. There are no windows in this place, just doors and the knowledge that other people are surrounding you and if you're not the one being fucked then the person next to you is. The sounds drive you crazy.

"Heh, no way, I'll just come back here, you're pretty cheap," he says before getting off of me and I raise an eyebrow. How torture like this changes people? Turns them away from who they used to be. "But rest up, I heard that the two guys upstairs are from Japan and they might be a bit…you know, homesick," he says before kissing me on my lips and I spit it out with a glare. He then leaves and I sit back on the bed. Guy didn't even clean up after himself.

"You shouldn't make waves," I hear the girl right next to me say, "You've been in here too long, Hanazono. When you came in you were a cheerful girl who wanted everyone to be happy and wanted to save everyone. What happened to that girl?"

"I don't know," I sigh as I look up and have tears in my eyes. I lay with my back pressed against the mattress and feel my heart breaking. I look aside and start to hallucinate again.

"How was your day, Hikari?" the hallucination asks and I look at him. I know he's not really there but it's as if I can smell him. I can see his eyes, the blond hair, the way that my body is drawn to him. This vision. Either I'll get to see it when I'm on my death bed or never again. How long has it been since I've seen him? How many weeks, months, has it been years? How is he? Does he have a little boy that looks like him and everything in his life is so perfect? How is his wife? Is she interested in pro-wrestling?

"It was good," I laugh knowing that he's not really there, "How was yours?"

"Disappointing," he sighs as he sits down on a chair the other side of what I guess you would call cell. I pause before getting up and walking over to him. I crouch opposite him.

"How was it disappointing?" I ask knowing that I shouldn't be playing into this fantasy because it's going to break my heart when it ends. "Is there something that I…" I lean forwards as if to touch him and as I touch the air he vanishes. I close my eyes and cry. The worst thing is that I know how disappointed he would be in me. He would have wanted me to defend myself but they've been injecting me with drugs for so long that I don't even know what is real anymore.

At least I don't have to see how ashamed he is to have ever loved somebody like me.

"I hope you're happy, Kei" I whisper as tears run down my cheeks. "I hope you have a happy life."