Chapter 1: The Thin White Line Between Sanity and Madness

Opening Credits

It seems today that all ya see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good, old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely

Lucky there's a Family Guy!

Lucky there's a man who

Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh n' Cry

He's

a

Fam

-ily

Guy!

End

The episode starts with Brian having a session with Dr. Kaplan, who was taking notes.

"*sighs* I'm-I'm in a rut." Brian sighed and confessed. "Nothing thrills me anymore. I-I mean, I-I-I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning."

"Really?" Dr. Kaplan asked.

"You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've-I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garret 18 times." Brian told Dr. Kaplan.

Cutaway #1

It showed Brian slouching on the couch with a martini in his hand as he watched said program on VH1, which featured Leif Garret and a friend of his, who was in a wheelchair.

"Hey, uh, hey, Leif. It's been a while." The man greeted Leif Garret.

"Too long, man." Leif remarked.

It then showed Brian lip-synching what the two actors were saying.

"I'm so sorry about everything, man. I'm so-"

"You ready for a bombshell? You saved my life that night."

"But-But I was the one driving. I-"

"I was on a road to destruction, man. The accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive, aren't I?"

"Can we turn off the cameras, dude?"

End

"It's-It's like I'm...I don't know, trapped in my own life." Brian told Dr. Kaplan.

"Well, Brian, you may be too inwardly focused. Try thinking about the needs of others for a change. Why don't you do some volunteer work?" Dr. Kaplan suggested to Brian.

"Huh, that makes sense." Brian said seeing Dr. Kaplan's point. "Volunteer work. Thanks, Bruce."

Brian then tried to leave.

"You still have 13 more minutes." Dr. Kaplan informed Brian checking his watch.

"Oh." Brian said sitting back onto the small couch. "Do I? Hmm... I. uh, I noticed you got a new receptionist. Heh. Nice little body on her, huh?"

"That's my daughter." Dr. Kaplan informed Brian, though he didn't seem too mad about it.

There was a moment of awkward silence between the two.

"Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?" Brian nonchalantly suggested.

Elsewhere, at the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory, Peter and the other workers were having lunch when Mr. Weed stepped in.

"Attention, everyone." Mr. Weed called out to everyone in the cafeteria, getting their attention. "Due to several complaints and two deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday."

It then showed Peter at a table with a couple other workers.

"Hey, Derek. How-How are you gettin' to the picnic?" Peter asked a worker, who had a mustache and was wearing a blue shirt.

"I don't know. I don't have a ride." Derek told Peter.

"Hey, John, you got a two-seater, don't ya?" Peter asked another worker.

"Hey, Derek, maybe-maybe you can go with John, huh?" Peter suggested to Derek.

"*sighed and rose from his seat* For the last time, I'm not gay!" Derek reminded Peter, implying this wasn't the first time before he left.

"Thanks, anyway, Peter." John thanked Peter.

"Hey, we'll get him." Peter reassured.

Brian, meanwhile, was doing some volunteer work. His first being as a guide dog for a blind man.

"Here. Ri-Right this way." Brian said to the man leading him into a movie theater. "Watch your step." Brian then helped let him in.

They were in their seats, watching the movie.

"Okay, they're-they're in the woods." Brian informed the blind man about what was going on in the movie. "The camera keeps on moving. Uh, I think they're-they're looking for some witch or something. I-I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over." Brian looked around him. "A lot of people in the audience look pissed."

We cut to Saturday where the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory was having their company picnic. It then showed Meg and Chris participating in a three-legged race.

"Now, remember, Chris, we have to work together, so that our steps-" Meg instructed Chris about the race when Chris suddenly started running before the race started dragging Meg by her ankle as she screamed while being knocked around.

Meg's screaming caught Ub's attention where he was with Friz, Lois and Stewie. Ub gasped at Meg's predicament and immediately rushed over to her aid as he untied the rope around her and Chris' ankles and held her in his arms.

"Meg! Are you okay?! Speak to me!" Ub shouted to Meg, who was unconscious due to being knocked around on the ground.

She moaned from all the pain she felt all over her body and then regained consciousness, to Ub's relief.

"Oh, thank God!" Ub exclaimed smothering Meg in his arms, accidentally crushing her before he realized what he was doing wrong and stopped. "Sorry!"

Elsewhere at the picnic, Peter and a couple other workers were getting ready for a special event, in which it involved a man in just his underwear, covered in what appeared to be grease and was in a cage.

"Ah, this is my favorite event: 'Catch the Greased-Up Deaf Guy'." Peter said in excitement.

"Go!" Mr. Weed exclaimed lifting the Greased-Up Deaf Guy's cage, letting him free.

"You're never gonna catch me!" The Greased-Up Deaf Guy taunted the contestants, who chased after him. "You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else!"

Peter caught up close to the Greased-Up Deaf Guy and tried tackling him, but the latter slipped out of his grasp thanks to the grease all over his body.

"See you all next year!" The Greased-Up Deaf Guy said to everyone at the picnic greeting them all goodbye as he ran off into the woods.

Back to Brian, he was now at a retirement home called "Shady Farm Nursing Home" where he was playing checkers with a bedridden elderly woman.

"King me." Brian said winning the game.

"I don't want to play anymore." The woman said gloomly. "The pain. I can't live like this, Brian. I need you to pull the plug."

She pointed to the plug to her life support system, indicating she was suicidal, to Brian's horror.

"W-Whu- I-I-I can't-" Brian said not willing to go through with the deed.

"Be my angel and set me free. Please?" The woman slowly begged Brian.

Without any more convincing, Brian stepped over to the plug. After a moment of hesitation, he finally unplugged it. As Brian developed tears, he soon heard something from behind.

"Free meee..." A spiritual voice cried from behind Brian.

"Free meeee..." The voice cried again, this time getting louder.

Brian finally turned around.

"FREE MEEEEE!" The voice was revealed to be from a rotted corpse in a straightjacket where its eyeholes were illuminating the yellow aura from last season.

Brian screamed in horror as he covered his eyes from what was in front of him.

However, to his shock and confusion, he found the woman back in her bed still alive and well, shown to be in a good mood.

"Oh, drat. It looks like you beat me." The woman said accepting her loss at checkers.

He went back to the plug and found it still plugged in, even though he unplugged it about a few seconds ago.

Brian was going to ask how she survived, but decided not to seeing it would be pointless and would make him look crazy. With that in mind, Brian is unsure whether what earlier was real or not.

Back at the picnic, Mr. Weed stepped on stage to make an announcement.

"The winner of our final contest will receive a very special prize: a week's paid vacation!" Mr. Weed informed the contestants as everyone cheered.

"Did you hear that?" Peter asked Lois, who had Stewie in his arms. "Oh, God, ple-please let it be farting. Please let it be a fart contest."

"These are tranquilizer darts." Mr. Weed explained now having a tranquilizer gun in his hands and loaded it. "I have enough here to take down Robert Downey Jr. *laughs* Robert Downey..." However, the crowd didn't seem to get his joke. "Yes, well, the last one left standing wins. Let the game begin!"

Upon realizing what will happen now, the workers then ran from Mr. Weed both in fear and determination to win the paid vacation. But mostly, it was fear.

The family cheered Peter on while Ub and Friz were instead bothered by the fact that Peter was being hunted down like an animal as Peter ran into the woods.

"Look at him! He runs like a Welshman!" Stewie remarked on Peter's running. "Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?"

"A what?" Ub and Friz asked in unison not knowing what Stewie was talking about.

Brian was back at the Griffin house.

"Hey there, Brian." Joe greeted Brian while he was getting mail whilst in his police uniform.

"Hi, Joe." Brian greeted back before he picked up a scent. "Hey, Bonnie making Chicken Marsala tonight?"

"No, she made that three nights ago." Joe said showing to be a bit surprised about how Brian knew that and still managed to pick up the meal's scent. "Wow, that's some nose you got!"

"Yeah. One time, it almost got me a spokesman deal." Brian said.

Cutaway #2

That 'spokesman deal' Brian mentioned was actually a role as a cereal mascot. He was in a waiting room reading his script where sitting next to him was an anthromorphic toucan bird in a Hawaiian shirt also auditioning for the role.

"'Follow your nose'. 'Follow your nose'. 'Follow your nose'." The toucan read out loud improvising his line, in which made Brian chuckle. The toucan turned to Brian in confusion.

"Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Uh-No, that was good." Brian apologized. "I-I just-I didn't think you were gonna go so cartoony with it."

"Well, how-how-how would you read it?" The toucan asked.

"Oh, I-I don't know. I was thinking of doing it, you know, good, like-like an actor." Brian replied. "But, you know, your-your way's good, too."

They went back to reading their scripts.

End

"You know, we could use a nose like that down at the precinct." Joe offered.

"Really?" Brian asked where his tail wagged in excitement.

Meanwhile, back at the picnic, Peter and another worker were running from Mr. Weed and stopped to catch their breathe.

"I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter." Peter's co-worker said to him, which revealed he had been shot with numerous darts on his back with no effect. "One of us is gonna win that paid vacation."

"Eh, I don't want to feed Grandma bacon while she's in the bathtub." Peter said as it showed the tranquilizer was making him delirious.

"Peter, are you okay?" The co-worker asked Peter.

However, their break was cut short when Mr. Weed found them in a quad bike and aimed his rifle at the two remaining contestants. Peter and his co-worker ran from Mr. Weed as he fired a dart at Peter's right butt cheek. The co-worker had previously jumped into the bush when Weed fired the dart at Peter, but stepped out to check on Peter.

"Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a doc-" The co-worker almost informed Mr. Weed, but the latter instead shot the former in the chest, knocking him out.

Mr. Weed then jumped out of his quad bike and ran over to Peter. "We have a winner!" Mr. Weed then declared.

"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty..." Peter then said before he finally passed out.

Brian was then working in his new job as a detection dog for the Quahog Police Department at the airport.

"No drugs. She's good. He's clean." Brian said identifying the scent from the passengers coming out of the plane.

"Well, it looks like that's it, except for the flight crew." Joe said.

"He-ey, Brian. What's with the Johnny Law routine?" Quagmire passed by with two stewardesses and greeted Brian.

"Say hello to our new narc." Joe told Quagmire. "He's a natural."

"Oh, yeah? Well, how good are ya?" Quagmire asked Brian wanting to see Brian's ability.

Brian took four whiffs at Quagmire's crotch. "You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women..." Brian said somehow being able to identify what Quagmire had done earlier before he took another sniff at the crotch. "...And a man."

"You mean three Filipino women." Quagmire stated believing Brian got it wrong, but Brian didn't budge as Quagmire's face sank into despair and he ran away while screaming no.

Suddenly, Brian's nose started to pick up something.

"Wait a second, got something." Brian said tracking down the scent with the other members of the force behind him. He surveyed the area for anything suspicious when he spotted a male passenger holding a briefcase, which Brian assumed was where the scent was coming from as he dashed toward the man.

"This could be the real deal, boys!" Joe said to the other cops. "Let's do it!" Joe and the other cops also dahsed for the supposed drug dealer.

Brian noticed that Joe's wheelchair was giving him more speed and used a nearby baggage cart as a scooter to catch up to the crook.

Brian and Joe held each other's hand to act as a pole to knock the criminal to the floor.

"Don't move, dirtbag!" Joe ordered pointing his gun at the man.

Brian searched the man's briefcase, which confirmed his suspicions as it contained cocaine, which Brian accidentally got some on his nose.

"It's coke! Yes! All right, we got him!" Brian cheered. "This is great! Ah, this is the rush I've looking for!"

"Good work, Brian." Joe congratulated Brian. "Uh, you still got a little, uh..." Joe tapped his nose.

Brian checked his nose and found it had coke on it. "Oh. Oh, thanks." Brian wiped off most of the coke off the surface of his nose and took a big whiff to be sure. He soon twitched as a result.

The next day, the family (except Brian and Meg) were at the table in the kitchen where Chris was eating eggs, Stewie was sipping his bottle and Peter and Lois were looking at some pamphlets of locations for their vacation.

"So, Peter, where should we go for your week off?" Lois asked Peter.

"Well, I-I-I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory, like we did last year." Peter suggested holding up a pamphlet for Purgatory.

Cutaway #3

The Griffins were all floating in an empty white void, presumably what they believe to be Purgatory.

"This isn't bad. It's not that good, but, eh, it's not that bad." Lois said commenting on what Purgatory looks like.

"It's so-so." Brian commented.

"Eh, more or less." Peter said.

End

Brian walked into the kitchen and joined them.

"Hey-Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?" Peter jokingly asked Brian.

"Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?" Brian then asked pouring himself some coffee.

"Eh, I got to bed around 2:00, 2:30." Peter then said stirring his coffee.

"You know what Joe said what the street value of that cocaine would've been?" Brian asked Peter and Lois.

"Huh, let's see. Four and a half kilos uncut Nicaraguan. Uh, $1.7 mill that area?" Lois calculated the worth of the cocaine and then guessed.

Lois' knowledge of that surprised both Brian, Ub and Friz.

"Uh, yeah..." Brian replied still dumbfounded by what Lois said. "That's...That's-That's right..."

Ub and Friz wanted to question Lois about how she would know that, but then Meg stepped into the room with a newspaper.

"You guys! Brian's famous!" Meg informed everyone, showing them the article of the paper. The front line read "Dog Hero" with a picture of Brian waving to a crowd of people whilst in a parade.

The family congratulated Brian on his accomplishment.

"You're a hero!" Lois congratulated Brian.

"Way to go, pal!" Peter congratulated Brian also.

"You're the man, Brian!" Ub also congratulated Brian.

"Oh, come on. Stop it, you guys. It's-It's nothing, really." Brian said to the family not wanting to take all the credit when he made a whiff. "Oh, Lois, your toast is ready."

Soon after he said that, some toast popped out of the toaster.

"Well..." Lois remarked impressed as the family applauded for Brian's skills.

"Uh, Meg's using a new conditioner." Brian then stated.

"He's right!" Meg exclaimed delightfully impressed, making everyone clap for him once more.

"How do you like that?" Peter said among the applause.

"That's amazing!" Meg said once more.

"And it's time to change Stewie." Brian guessed again.

"Well, that's preposterous. I haven't- Oh, there it is..." Stewie then said.

The family gave out another applause for Brian.

Later, Brian and Joe were on patrol through downtown. Brian then picked up something in the air.

"Stop the car!" Brian ordered Joe, who was the driver and did what Brian said. "Over there!" Brian was pointing directly at a sunday school.

They entered the building and busted into a room where they aimed their guns at whoever was inside.

"Everybody, freeze! This is a bust!" Brian ordered.

It then showed a nun teaching children.

"Uh, Brian, this is a Sunday school class." Joe pointed out feeling embarassed.

"The hell it is!" Brian said otherwise walking over to the chalkboard and clapped two erasers together. "Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring."

"But these are just kids." Joe said feeling a bit skeptical to Brian's beliefs.

"Oh, yeah?" Brian asked stepping over to one of the children. "What's your name?"

"Ricky." The 'child' answered revealing his voice was way older than his age.

"They're not kids, they're midgets!" Brian said walking over to a poster of Jesus dressed in a leather jacket, blue jeans, white shirt, sneakers, shades and a yellow baseball cap backwards and was giving a thumbs up while it read 'It's Cool to Love Jesus' on the wall. "Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!"

Brian then tore off the poster to reveal it to be hiding a secret warehouse showing a couple of other midgets handling the drugs.

"Oh, my God!" Joe exclaimed at this revelation as one of the midgets tried to attack Brian. "Look out, Brian!" Joe threw his baton at the midget with a direct hit.

With their cover blown, the midgets then attacked our heroes, but the latter managed to hold them off and eventually take them down.

The midgets were then taken to the station where their pictures were taken for wanted posters. Due to the midgets being too short for the cop to take their picture, the instead had to jump in order to make it work.

It then panned to the left to show several other cops, including Joe, were congratulating Brian for his deed.

"Nice work, rookie." Joe congratulated Brian.

"You're a credit to the force." One of the cops also congratulated Brian.

"Additional generic cop compliment, Brian." One of the cops then congratulated Brian.

Everyone soon turned to the cop confused about what he meant.

"I wanted to say something unique and original." The cop later admitted.

"Huh, thanks. But the real hero here is God for blessing me with this nose." Brian thanked everyone. "And a few other equally amazing appendages Heh?"

"Well, I better take this cocaine down to Evidence." Joe said about to take the briefcase filled with cocaine away.

"Oh, uh, hey, I'll-I'll do that." Brian insisted taking the briefcase instead. "Uh. I'll-I'll catch up with you guys at the pub."

Brian went away from the others, but while no one was looking, he entered the bathroom instead in a suspicious manner.

Later that night, the Griffins were having dinner.

"So, it's settled. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas!" Lois said excitedly.

"Bahamas!" Friz cheered.

"Ah, this is gonna be great. Cruises are the best." Peter said excited for the trip.

"And look. It says we have our choice of cabins, port or starboard." Lois said. "Ha. Listen to me. I sound like an old salt. *laughs*"

Stewie then suddenly laughed sarcastically at Lois, catching her offguard.

"Yes, though I must say, I've always dreamed of a life at sea." Stewie said fantasizing about being on sea.

Cutaway #4

Stewie fantasized himself in a parody of the operetta HMS Pinafore where he was the captain.

[Stewie]

I'm the greatest captain in the Queen's Navy

[Sailors]

And your record will stand as proof

[Stewie]

Be it galley or a freighter

I'm an expert navigator

[Sailors]

And you're also a world-class poof

[Stewie]

My manner, quite effete

Is mistaken on the street

For a sailor who can pirouette on cue

Well, despite your point of view

I can thrill a girl of two

But I'd rather get it on with you

[Sailor]

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Suddenly, they were stricken by a cannonball to the ship's left. Stewie looked at where the cannonball came from and found the cause: a pirate version of Ub and Friz as they laughed in victory.

End

Stewie glared angrily at the duo for ruining his fantasy when Brian came home from work.

"Sorry to be tardy to the party." Brian said looking disheveled and had a cigarette in his mouth.

"Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret." Meg said to Brian noticing he was now thinner than usual.

"Here's a hint... PUT DOWN THE FORK!" Brian then shouted at her, to her and everyone's shock. "Face!"

"So, how was your day?" Lois asked trying to lighten things up.

"My day? Un-freaking-believable! First-First, we nailed this bastard, who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake!" Brian ranted before he took a smoke out of his cigarette and continued. "Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It-It's-It's-It's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey! BAM! Freakin' evaporated, like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle! O-One day, you s-you see your reflection in it and the next day, it's a-it's a-it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was!"

The family was left speechless at Brian's speech, not knowing what he was talking about at all as they stared at him in utter confusion.

"Dude, what the heck are you talking about?" Ub soon asked Brian.

"You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew." Peter then said to Chris.

"And that is relevant to this conversation how?" Friz asked.

The next day, an elementary school was having an assembly meeting where Brian was there to teach to stay off of drugs as "McGriffin, the Drug Dog."

"So, take it from me, McGriffin, the Drug Dog, if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself." Brian said to the children, who applauded for him in respect. "Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to... Gerald, the Happy and Abstinent Police Clown."

Brian left the stage where said clown took his place while riding on a unicycle.

"He-ey, kids! You know why I'm happy?" Gerald asked the children as he pulled out a balloon and made balloon animals in the shape of letters. "'Cause I'm free of 'S', 'T', 'D's!"

Soon after the assembly meeting, Brian stepped into the boys' restroom.

"That McGriffin guy was so cool!" One of two kids said in one of the stalls.

"Totally! I'm never doing drugs now!"

Unbeknownst to them, Brian was in there with them snorting cocaine by the sinks.

"Got milk?" Brian asked his reflection and then laughing at his joke in a manic tone.

Meanwhile, Peter was preparing Chris, Ub, Friz and himself tans for their upcoming vacation at a tanning salon. They were all in their underwear.

"Now, boys, before you go on a cruise, you gotta build up a base tan." Peter told the boys.

"But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called 'melanoma'." Chris informed Peter.

"Ah, that's just fancy talk for 'sexified'." Peter reassured him.

"Actually, people say it's skin cancer and that is accurate." Friz stated.

"Chris, you go first." Peter told Chris.

Chris got into the tanning booth and Peter closed the lid and activated it. However, the booth acted strange and Peter opened the lid again after a magenta-colored light emitted, only to find Chris had disappeared.

"Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this?" Peter asked one of the workers at the salon about the tanning booth his son used.

"Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines." The employee informed Peter.

It then showed signs from above for each row of machines: one for tanning booths and one for time machines.

"And you have these next to the tanning booths why?" Friz questioned the employee about the time machines' purpose here.

"Ah, crap, where the hell is he?!" Peter asked the employee now worried about his son.

"Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days! And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me!" Chris hollered from within the time machine. "Oh, look. My very own lion!"

"Oh, my God!" Peter exclaimed in horror as he tried to pull Chris out of there, but accidentally pulled out the lion instead. Peter dropped the lion and shut the lid. "Huh. Must've got the wrong hat."

"I'm gonna get him out of there!" Ub said opening the lid of the time machine and diving right in before the scene then zoomed out to reveal Rocky from Rocky and Bullwinkle next to Peter and Friz facing the audience.

"And now, here's something that we hope you'll really like." Rocky said to the audience.

Meanwhile, Brian was working at his job in the airport with Joe. He decided to take a smokem which Joe wasn't too fond of.

"Whoa, Brian, there's no smoking in the terminal." Joe informed Brian.

"Hey, hey, there's worse things than nicotine, pal!" Brian talked back at Joe. "And I'm gonna find."

"Ah, patience, lad." The other cop reassured Brian in an Irish accent. "It took dear St. Patrick more than a day to clear the Emerald Isle of snakes-"

"Oh, can the Irish crap will you, Horowicz?" Brian hushed the other cop.

"I'm sorry?" Horowicz asked, implying he really was Irish.

Brian then spotted an old man passing by with a briefcase and approached him.

"Open it!" Brian ordered the old man. When the old man didn't do as he demanded, he tried to take it by force.

"Ah! Let me go! Help!" The old man said as Brian opened the briefcase revealing the man's belongings, but no drugs.

"All right, where's the stash? I'll do a freakin' body-cavity search, I swear!" Brian threatened the old man going behind the man and started sniffing his rear.

Joe intervened and pulled Brian away from the old man.

"Sir, we apologize." Joe apologize to the man, who ran away in fear and put Brian down.

"Griffin, there's no easy to say this." Joe said to Brian. "I think you have a drug problem."

"A drug problem?" Brian asked. "What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe? Is that it?"

"Give me your badge." Joe ordered Brian.

"Fine!" Brian shouted removing and then throwing his badge to the ground. "By the way, Horowiz, you should show Joe your impression of him." Having said that, Brian departed.

Joe then turned to Horowiz hearing what Brian said about the latter's supposedly doing impressions of him behind his back, which made Horowiz justifiably nervous.

"Oh, well, I-It's not as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I-" Horowiz explained, though Joe still gave him that stern look, causing him to just cut to the chase. "Look at me! I'm Joe! My legs don't work, but I make up for it by having a very strong upper body!"

Joe then let out some laughter, easily finding Horowiz's impersonation of him humorous.

"Well, I do say that." Joe said, to which Horowiz formed a small smile of satisfaction.

Later that night, most of the family was in the living room doing their usual things while Lois walked over to Peter, who was busy reading something.

"Oh, The Old Man and the Sea." Lois exclaimed at the book Peter was reading. "I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise."

"Yeah. Stupid fisherman." Peter agreed gleefully mocking said fisherman in the book. "Sitting out there in a boat yammerin' to himself. He doesn't even know I'm watching him."

"Maybe he's watching you, Mr. Griffin." Friz suggested.

"No, Friz, that's ridiculous." Peter said to Friz brushing off his claims before suddenly realizing. "Could he?" Peter closed the book and looked at the cover, which indeed had the fisherman on it staring directly at him, to both Friz and Peter's surprise as the latter threw the book by the window.

Just then, Brian entered the house with a woman in a rather unpleasant appearance. He was wearing a black jacket, shades and had a lit cigarette in his mouth. The family, except for Stewie, were visibly shocked at what Brian had become.

"Ahh, splendid. Fido McCoke-Fiend is home." Stewie sarcastically remarked at Brian's state.

"Everybody, this is Tina." Brian told the family blatantly introducing the woman with him without even that much effort at being polite.

"What happened to you?" Meg asked Brian.

"Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!?" Brian chastised Meg, to Ub's dismay.

"You know, just because you can't feel your teeth, doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults." Stewie stated to Brian. Ub was caught completely offguard by Stewie's words there and didn't know the correct words to describe what had happened.

"Uh...thanks?" Ub awkwardly thanked Stewie.

After a moment, Lois finally spoke up.

"Hello, I'm Lois Griffin. Welcome to our home." Lois introduced herself to Brian's new lady friend.

"So, what? She's, like, your mother or somethin'?" Tina asked Brian, who merely laughed finding her question humorous before being joined by Peter.

Lois turned to Peter unpleased, which caused Peter to stop. "Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?"

Brian ignored Lois and dragged Tina to where Meg, Chris, Ub, Friz and Stewie were watching TV and grabbed the remote. "Here, baby, I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about."

Brian then changed to said channel on the TV as Lois stepped over.

"Brian, would you-Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs!" Lois ordered her kids.

The kids easily did as they were asked as Meg picked up Stewie and both she, Ub, Friz and Chris then walked over to the stairs.

"Wait, wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite!" Stewie said pointing out what he was seeing on the TV.

"Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now?" Lois demanded visibly outraged by his behavior as she took the remote from Brian's hand and turned off the TV, to Brian's chagrin.

"Oh, sorry. Things getting a little too real for the Stepford wife?" Brian mockingly asked Lois before turning his attention to the kids, who were by the stairs. "A-And look at you two. Quasimodo and Lumpy. *scoffs* I-I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn!"

Hearing what Brian was saying, Ub experienced another vision. This time, it appeared to be a man abusing a what appeared to be his daughter. He soon fell to the floor and the family rush to his aid.

"Ah, great. Another episode from yours truly." Brian then said insulting Ub for his visions, "What's it this time? The one where you found yourself in a hospital where all the doctors are pigs?!"

Before Ub could even respond to Brian's insult, he then passed out due to the vision having left him exhausted him to that point.

"Typical." Brian remarked.

"Oh, do me! Do me next!" Stewie asked wanting to see what kinds of things he'll say to him.

"You have the head of an American football and the personality of a forgettable James Bond villain." Friz told Stewie.

"Which one?" Stewie then asked.

"Come one, baby girl, let's go to the park." Brian insisted dragging Tina out of the house with him as he shut the door behind, hard enough to knock off one of the photos on the wall near the door. The next day, Brian returned home alone still in the attire he wore from last night, where, to his confusion, the family and even Dr. Kaplan were in the living room waiting for him. "Hey, Doc. What the hell are you doing here?"

"Your family has something they'd like to say to you." Dr. Kaplan told Brian.

Meg took out a piece of paper and read out loud her speech to Brian, "Brian, I know I don't speak up much and it's-it's really hard to talk about my feelings, but-"

"Why-Why don't we start with someone more interesting? Peter-" Dr. Kaplan cut off Meg and suggested.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just what the heck was that?" Ub cut off Kaplan and was a bit pissed off at him cutting off Meg earlier, "Are you saying Meg and Friz aren't interesting? Is that it?"

"No, I just felt it didn't have anything to do with Brian's problem." Dr. Kaplan reasoned, "Anyway, uh, Peter."

Peter brought out his own speech written on a piece of paper, "Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk. I miss the good ol' days when you were my sidekick."

Cutaway #5

It showed Peter dressed as David Letterman and was currently hosting The Late Show with David Letterman.

"Ahh, so, she hated my tie until told her it was made out of 100 percent Buttafuoco fiber." Peter told the audience, who laughed at his joke, "Hey, uh, Brian. How about a little tie music?"

It panned over to Brian, who was parodying David Letterman's musical director, Paul Shaffer.

"Peter's tie, Peter's tie, that's because Peter's the guy." Brian sang playing on the keyboard as the audience cheered. "Alright, that's it. Little tie music."

End

"Look, y-y-you guys got it all wrong. I-I-I-I w-" Brian tried to explain backing up to the window behind him, but he saw the concern on the family's faces and it was there that he realized they were right, "Ooh, I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God, I need help!" Having finally admitted his problem, Brian continued breaking into tears.

"Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is." Stewie soon spoke.

"What?" Friz asked him.

"A melon-collie." Stewie said before laughing at his joke. His family, however, didn't respond nor joined him on laughing along, "Nothing? Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, I-I should have said-I should have said: 'Chi-wah-wah.'" Stewie laughed again at his new joke, but like before, the family didn't respond. Stewie had enough of this and told his family, "I don't have to [BLEEP] impress you" before storming off.

Later, the family was in the car driving to somewhere.

"Look, I-I'm not insensitive, Lois, but I-I just don't see why we gotta cancel our cruise just 'cause the dog's a cokehead." Peter said to Lois while driving.

"We're not going on vacation while Brian's in rehab." Lois stated, "We'll just have to wait 'till next year."

"Aw, man!" Peter groaned at losing his free vacation.

"Look, Peter, I'll-I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club Med." Brian told Peter wanting to make up to the family for having them skip their vacation.

Cutaway #6

Brian's cousin, Jasper, was busy working with four bathing-clad women to the tune of the 1987 Buster Poindexter song "Hot Hot Hot".

End

The family arrived at their destination: the Providence Rehab Clinic, which was where Brian would be getting rehabilitation treatment. The family approached the clinic as they passed by the front of the building, which Peter was all the more impressed with.

"Holy crap! Look at this place!" Peter said admiring the place, "This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow."

"They have tennis courts!" Meg pointing out to said tennis courts that were offscreen.

"And a full spa!" Stewie also pointed out.

"Wow! No wonder people do drugs!" Chris exclaimed in awe.

"Good luck, Brian." Lois told Brian wishing him luck, "I just know you're gonna get clean."

"Heh. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis." Peter then joked, in which the rest of the family, except Stewie, laughed at.

"Hey, that was actually funny." Friz said.

"Now that's comedy." Ub agreed.

"Oh, oh, I see. The fat man makes a pun and everyone wets themselves. I give you gold and I get squat." Stewie said offended by his family choosing Peter's form of humor over his.

"That's 'cause your dad has better taste." Ub pointed out to Stewie, "Right, Tyler? Tyler?" Ub then suddenly found himself strapped down to a table in what appeared to be a mental ward. Ub tried to break out of the restraints, but it was no use as he tried desperately to escape to no avail. His attempts stopped when he soon noticed a doctor appear before him, interested in the new patient.

Before he could say anything, he then found himself back to him with the Griffins dropping off Brian. Stewie was still there as he didn't respond at first to Ub's comment before finally saying, "I'll be in the car." Ub was left confused by what just happened earlier and he was wondering if he was actually in that kind of hospital or if his mind was playing tricks on him. He kept thinking about this even after the family was driving away from the clinic.

It then cut to nighttime where everyone was already in bed, except for Brian and the clinic's head doctor, who were talking together down a hallway.

"That was a very production first day, Brian." The head doctor congratulated Brian, "Our goal here is to find your X-factor, the element in your life that made you turn to drugs in the first place."

"Well, just-just having some time away to sort things out is gonna do wonders." Brian said excited about going straight as he reached his room and then shook hands with the doctor, "Thanks, doctor." As the head doctor departed, Brian then stepped into his room, where something soon caught him by surprise, "Wha...What are you doing here?!"

The person Brian was talking to turned out to be Peter, who was lying on his bed holding a can of beer in his right hand.

"I'm on vacation." Peter explained, "Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack." Peter then opened the beer he had in his hand.

"Peter, this-this is a detox clinic. You can't vacation here." Brian told Peter.

"Why not? This place is way better than a cruise." Peter asked Brian preferring to spend his vacation at the clinic, "Y-You've should've seen it. I whipped a speed freak's ass at horseshoes today."

"Peter, this isn't a vacation for me." Brian said trying to reason with Peter, "For God's sake, I'm trying to get healthy!"

"Yeah, okay, okay, alright." Peter replied acting like he understood Brian, whom turned in for the night, "Hey-Hey, softball tomorrow afternoon. A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake."

The next day, we see the swimming exercise seminar, which the head doctor from before was currently taking notes of the patients' progress.

"Okay, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water. Two more reps." The swimming instructor told the patients turning her back to them where a shark fin swam by, "Okay, and one, and two, and three-"

The shark fin then closed in on a female patient and seemingly dragged her underwater. The woman then rose out of the water unscathed, but found her bikini top gone as she covered her now bare chest in embarrassment. Peter then came up from the water, revealing to have stripped the woman of her top as he had the shark fin strapped onto his back.

"Yeah! I'm also addicted to boobies!" Peter declared holding up the woman's top in glory, much to the woman's chagrin.

Later, Peter was having lunch at the cafeteria. He noticed that the patient he was eating with had a cupcake that he certainly had interest in having and so, thought of an idea on how to obtain the dessert.

"Trade you this for your cupcake." Peter offered holding up what appeared to be a bag of cocaine, which caught the addict's attention and without hesitation, the addict snatched away Peter's coke and ran off in a hurry. Peter then picked up and took a bite out of the cupcake before he found the head doctor of the clinic standing behind him giving him a stern expression, "What? It was just Carpet Fresh. I'm on your side."

"I've been observing your behavior and I don't think you're an addict." The head doctor informed Peter of her suspicions of him, "I think you're an idiot."

"Well, I don't pay you to think, Hot Lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all." Peter talked back to the woman, who was rather unfazed by Peter's insult, "Count it."

"I'll be keeping my eye on you." The doctor said before looking checking for Peter's name on her clipboard, "What's your name?"

"Uh, my-my name? Uuhhh." Peter responded now in worry trying to come up with a good fake name to pass off surveying the cafeteria for inspiration. The first thing to catch his eye was a lone pea on a plate at a faraway table, "Uh, uh, pea..." Peter looked around for more until he spotted a woman crying by her table, "...tear..." Just then, a gryphon all of a sudden flew by, "...Griffin. Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin." The doctor then accepted Peter's answer and wrote his name down on the clipboard just as Peter realized what he just said, "Ah, crap."

Later, in the evening, Brian was busy doing a jogging as part of his rehabilitation.

"Hey, Brian, I was lookin' for ya." Peter said to Brian driving by next to him in a cart, "Hey, y-you wanna go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake?"

"I-I can't. Group therapy, 2:00." Brian told Peter declining his offer.

"Ho-oh, man, I peeked on one of those." Peter said, "It was more boring than when I was a security guard for Goerge Harrison."

Cutaway #7

It showed Goerge Harrison's home before it then showed Peter as said actor's security guard, complete with his own uniform. However, instead of keeping watch over trespassers, Peter was too busy watching the small TV in his office, to which one then climbed over the brick wall from outside the yard and headed straight for the house undetected. There were then sounds of a struggle offscreen.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Quiet down, up there!" Peter called out before turning back to his show, "You wacky Beatle."

End

"Well, I...I have been making a lot of progress lately." Brian said warily, "I guess missing one session won't be the end of the world."

"There you go!" Peter said glad that Brian accepted the offer.

The two then rowed to the pregnant teeagers at the other side of the lake while everyone was asleep.

"Hey, what do you think they put in the bug juice?" Peter asked Brian out of curiosity.

"Bugs." Brian guessed.

"No, they don't!" Peter replied to Brian's answer refusing to believe it, "Come on! Shut up!"

They arrived at their destination: the Teen Pregnancy Center. The two sneaked around the side of the building and broke into a room filled with expecting mothers where they were setting up a prank on all of them involving placing each of their hands in bowls of warm water. Their prank would backfire immediately as it instead caused all the mothers in the room to prematurly give birth to their children. Seeing the damage they caused, Peter and Brian ran for it.

The next morning, Peter and Brian ended up getting caught as they were now sitting in the head doctor's office.

"Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 14 premature births." The doctor told Peter and Brian.

"Sorry, Doc. I-I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kind of stuff." Brian apologized to the doctor.

"Wait a minute. Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?" The doctor asked Brian shocked.

"A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio! See? I can make up words, too, sister." Peter said in response to the woman's question.

"Well, I think we've found your X-factor." The doctor deducted.

"What, you mean Peter?" Brian asked taken by surprise.

"His behavior is clearly a negative influence on you." The doctor stated, "And with your intelligence and sensitivity-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!" Brian interrupted, "I made my own mistakes, all right? This man took me into his home a-and he treated me like family. He's my best friend."

"Yes, and look where you've ended up." The doctor told Brian.

"You know what? I think my therapy here is complete." Brian soon said, "I came here to get clean and I did. So, good-bye."

Brian then turned to the door and storm out of the room.

"Brian, it's moments like this that make me sad you're gonna die 50 years before I do." Peter told Brian following him out of the office.

Brian returned home to Quahog, where a welcome back party was being thrown for him at the Griffin house.

"He was all coked up, and we were choked up. But now our happy Brian's home, cha-chap-cha!" Lois sang playing the piano happy that Brian was back home while Joe, Bonnie and a couple of police officers applauded for her.

"I am serious, Lois, you could be in show business!" Joe encouraged Lois.

In the living room, Meg, Ub, Friz and Chris were standing around when Quagmire walked up to them.

"Hey, Meg. 18 yet?" Quagmire asked Meg.

"No." Meg answered.

"Hey, Chris. How are ya?" Quagmire then asked Chris.

"Well, I'm glad I-" Chris was about to say.

"Alright." Quagmire said one of his trademark phrases cutting Chris off and walking away, to the four kids' confusion.

Just then, another vision came to Ub. This time, it was of two star-crossed lovers sharing a kiss. As the vision passed, he saw that these visions seem to revolve around this girl of sorts and that maybe it's connected to him and Friz's past.

Back to Brian, joining him were now Peter, Lois, Joe, Cleveland and the rest of the police force.

"Brian, I feel a little guilty." Joe said to Brian feeling that he was responsible for Brian's addiction, "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been exposed to that junk."

"Hey, Joe. If I've learned anything from my experience, it's that we're all responsible for our own destiny." Brian remarked, to which he handed his drink to Joe, "And that's why I'm leaving." As Brian announced this, a taxi pulled up outside.

"What?" Ub exclaimed at Brian's words.

"Why?" Friz asked concerned.

"L-Leaving?" Peter exclaimed shaken by Brian's decision, "Y-Ya can't leave."

"I have to, Peter. For me." Brian stated to Peter picking up his dubbel bag, "I love you all." Brian then exited the house ready to start a new life.

Everyone back in the living room was clearly distraught over Brian leaving. Something inside them said that they should stop them, in which Lois spoke, "Somebody say something!"

"Or better yet do something!" Friz said.

Stewie came down from the stairs in his pajamas and holding his teddy bear, Rupert. Much like everyone else, he, too was distraught over Brian leaving and ran out of the house to catch up to Brian.

"Brian, wait!" Stewie called out to Brian hurrying to the taxi, which fortunately for him, Brian spotted him approaching the taxi.

"Oh, wh-ho-hold on a second." Brian told the taxi driver and rolled down the window to face Stewie. However, the only thing Stewie did was spit in Brian's face and walked back to the house, turning out to be his actual intention instead of trying to persuade him to stay, something of which Brian was not surprised by, "Airport, please." Brian told the driver rolling the window back up as the taxi drove away from the Griffin household.

To Be Continued...

(A/N: Thank you all for returning for season 3 of Family Guy JT. I'm sure you've noticed quite a few changes in this new episode, like John and Tyler's names now being Ub and Friz. It's something I felt needed to be made and I hope you'll all be cool with the change. Anyways, I hope that this season will be just as good as the other two seasons and as always, let me know what you guys think of this episode. Until then, have a good night.)