(Intro)

(We get a glimpse at the exterior of The Drunken Clam at night before cutting inside where Peter and his friends are at their usual booth, drinking beer. For some reason though, Peter was drinking from a small cup instead of the gallon cups his friends has. Quagmire takes notice of this.)

Quagmire: Hey Peter, why are you drinking only a minimal amount of beer?

Pete: Well, since we are now Disney property, they want to put as much harmlessness in Family Guy as possible, and that includes the main character not drinking to the point of intoxication.

Cleveland: Now that's just ridiculous. They never tried to influence this before last season.

Peter: Yeah well, if you have a problem with it, (he points to the right offscreen) please complain to the executive sitting just next to us.

(They look in the direction Peter's pointing and see Pete the Cat in a business suit looking smug.)

Pete: That's right, buckos! Disney has control over things. (He laughs his trademark cackle.)

(The camera returns to just the 4 men on screen. Just then, a buzzing sound is heard.)

Peter What's that?

Joe: Oh, that's my cell phone.

(Joe takes out his phone to look at it and gives a surprised look.)

Joe: Huh, the chief tells me that my old drill sergeant from the academy wants to come by my house to talk to me tomorrow afternoon.

Quagmire: Drill Sergeant?

Joe: Yeah, Walter Sullkin. Oh, he was the best sergeant ever.

(The scene flashes back to a younger Joe and some other potential policeman training at an academy where a middle-aged man with white hair and a bulky figure is standing in fornt of them.)

Joe: (voice-over) He would always put me and the other recruits through the most excellet of training.

Sulkin: (with the voice of Ned Beatty) For this exercise, you all must show what to do when dealing with a suicidal jumper.

(Sulkin blows the whistle he has over his neck and the trainees go to a makeshift building with a cardboard person, who represents the jumper, standing on the edge of it. An officer pushes the cardboard man off. Below, Joe and some other trainees spot a nearby small trampoline and they carry it to the bulding before the cardboard man reaches the ground, harmlessly hitting the trampoline. Sulkin comes over.)

Sulkin: Great work trainees.

Joe: Thanks, Sergeant Sulkin.

(We see Joe and the trainees doing other means of training; throwing rocks at a fake gun-man, using a fake bazooka to take down a fake escaping criminal in three airbourne devices (a hot-air balloon, a one-person plane, and oddly enough, a U.F.O.), swinging across a small casm Indiana Jones-style, landing on top a fake crook, etc. All while the song 'St. Elmos Fire' plays in the background.)

Joe: (voice-over) He was the greatest drill sergeant any up-and-coming cop could ever ask for.

(We cut back to the present.)

Cleveland: Sounds like a great guy, Joe.

Peter: Yeah. Though, I wonder why he wants to talk to you.

Joe: Eh, who knows? He probably heard of how I busted that new drug kingpin last week.

(We cut to Joe arresting a, get ready to palm yourselves in the face, giant, living pen with a crown on his head. Joe cuffs the pen's handle to it's middle section.)

King-Pen: (looking at the audience) You get the joke everyone?

Joe: (also looking to the audience) I didn't even read him the Miranda Rights so that this could happen.

(We cut to th exterior of the Griffin household during the day before cutting inside it where Brian is in the living room, sitting on the couch and watching the television.)

Announcer on TV: We now return to It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia: The Appropriate Version.

(We see the gang from It's Always Sunny sitting in the bar, drinking water.)

Charlie: Did you guys hear about Cricket?

Frank: Yeah, I feel happy for him getting a huge position in the Catholic Church.

Dee: Glad that little encounter we had with him at the High School reunion had no negative impact on him.

Dennis: Yeah, imagine him living on the streets. (shudders)

Mac: I hear you man. We would have to live with guilt all our life if Cricket ended up a dog-(bleep) hobo becaue of us.

(Suddenly, Ryan McPoyle enters the bar.)

Ryan: S'up, jerks?

Frank: Don't you and your family have better needs to attend to other than making our lives hell?

Ryan: Hey, what can I say? I seem to enjoy being a designated bully.

(The gang shrug their shoulders and just go back to enjoying their water, ignoring Ryan, who shrugs and leaves.)

(We cut back to Brian.)

Brian: I wonder why Fox would just let the directors re-invent the series like that.

(Lois comes into the room and walks up to Brian.)

Lois: Brian, can I please have the couch?

Brian: Uh, why?

Lois: Well, I just got a call from Dr. Hartman and he told me for the next 48-hours, I will be in a coma due to some harmless yet rare disease I contracted and it's due to hit me in an hour.

Brian: (getting up from the couch) Okay, but how come you're not using your bed to lie on?

Lois: I would Brian, but there is a possibility that Peter would use my coma as an opportunity to use me as a sex-doll. (She lays down on the couch.) I mean, how creepy is that?

(Brian gives a thoughtful look for a minute before saying to Lois.)

Brian: Good point there Lois. Okay, sleep tight.

(He goes into the kitchen and gives a look to the audience.)

Brian: I bet you guys all know where this is going, right?

(Cut to the 'Who Else But Quagmire?' host.)

Host: Who else but Brian?

(We see cuts of Brian doing various face poses like in the 'Who Else But Quagmire' segment.)

Female Singers: (singing) He's Brian, Brian. A flanderized dog who is obsessed with sex. He's Brian, Brian.

(We see Brian sticking his head out of a colorful background.)

Brian: Ha, ha, ha, ha. (Holds up his cell-phone, singing.) Read my text.

(Cut to Brian back in the kitchen, looking morose.)

Brian: Okay, that last part was pretentious even for me.

(We cut to the Swanson household where Joe is wheeling around in his wheelchair nervously with his friends and family looking at him.)

Bonnie: Geez Joe, will you relax?

Peter: Yeah, I know you're nervous about meeting your sergeant, but take it down a notch.

Cleveland: Yeah, the carpet can complain about your constant use of the wheelchair on it, you know.

Joe's Carpet: (With only a mouth and the voice of Alex Sulkin.) Your (bleep) friend's right.

Cleveland: (irate) What'd you call me?

Joe: I'm sorry guys, but I haven't seen Sergeant Sulkin in years and I do not know what I can say to him.

Quagmire: I think you have at least 30 seconds to figure it out because I can see a car pulling into your drive-way.

(As Quagmire says this, he point outside and sure enough, when Joe looks outisde his window, there is a car pulling into the Swanson drive-way.)

Joe: (looking shocked) Oh, God.

Kevin: Dad, please relax. We're all here for you.

Bonnie: Kevin's right. We are all here to support you.

Peter: Well maybe except for Cleveland.

(We see Cleveland punching Joe's carpet, obviously still upset about the offensive remark from just now.)

Joe's Carpet: Is that the best you got?

(The doorbell from the front door rings and the all come near it as Joe slowly and nervously goes to open the door and sees Sulkin, obviously much older, on the other side.)

Sulkin: Swanson, is it really you?

Joe: (giving a salute) Yes, Sergeant Sulkin!

Sulkin: (coming in, closing the door behind him) Ha! That's the Swanson I know! You know, when I heard that you got shot in the line of duty, I did not expect you to push through with your police career.

Joe: Well sir, I loved being a cop so much, how could I let something as trivial as the eternal incapabiltiy of using my legs again stop me from doing my duty?

Sulkin: Atta boy, Swanson! (sees everyone else) And who are these people?

Joe: Sergeant Sulkin, these are my friends and family. My wife Bonnie...

Bonnie: Hello.

Joe:...my children, Kevin and Susie...

Kevin: Hey.

(Cut up to Susie)

Susie: (with her inner, Patrick Stewart voice) Why does he sound like that bad teddy bear in the third Toy Story movie?

(We cut to Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland, who looks worn out and his hands are bloody, likely from fighting the carpet.)

Joe:...and these are my friends and neighbors, Peter Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, and Cleveland Brown.

Peter and Quagmire: Hi!

Cleveland: (breathlessly) Hi, sir.

(He suddenly falls over, looking exhausted.)

Sulkin: (about Cleveland) Well, he seems tired for some reason. (to Joe) Well anyway Swanson, I'll come to the point of why I am here.

Joe: Yeah, the cheif told me you wanted to talk to me about something.

Sulkin: You're damn right. Swanson, I happen to be retiring from my drill sergeant duties this weekend.

Joe: Really?

Sulkin: Yeah and they told me that I must find a suitable replacement for me before then. And that is why I am here.

Joe: (looking surprised) Wait, you mean...

Sulkin: That's right. Joseph Swanson, you are offically the new drill sergeant for the Quahog Police Department.

(Joe gives a shocked look before falling out of his wheelchair and landing on the carpet floor as his friends and family all look at this in surprise.)

Joe's Carpet: Well, that's certainly one way to shock a person.

(Commercial Break)

(We cut to The Drunken Clam at night where the boys are sitting in the booth again and Joe is talking to his friends.)

Joe: Me, a drill sergeant? It...it...it's just so much to take in.

Peter: What do you mean Joe? Isn't this something that is usually considered an improvement of your career?

Joe: Yes Peter, but I am always just so used to being out in the field, I do not know if I have what it takes to train potential cops.

Cleveland: Are you kidding Joe? You'd be an a-okay drill sergeant.

Quagmire: Yeah, I mean this could be good for you to take this job. Sooner or later, that paralysis of yours is going to be a liability in stopping crime and other dangerous activities.

Joe: I see your point Quagmire, but I really don't think I could be as good of a drill sergeant Sulkin is.

Peter: You might end up enjoying it, Joe. Like how I ended up enjoying being the replacment 'Paul Lassiter' in Spin City.

(We see Peter dressed in a suit addressing some reporters in the press room of 'Spin City' as he talks on the podium.)

Peter: Our Mayor is at this moment signing a bill that legalizes a cure for cancer in this city.

(We pan over to the characters played by Michael J. Fox and Charlie Sheen, Mike Flaherty and Charlie Crawford.)

Mike: For those who have a good idea of why we are here, this was too good of a reference to pass up.

Charlie: Yeah, a replacement gag with the reference of a true replacement on the show. Let that sink in.

(We cut to the Griffin household where Brian is sprucing up himself in the upstairs bathroom and looking himself in the mirror.)

Brian: Well, here it goes Brian. About to get yourself a chance with Lois.

Brian's Reflection: (frowns) Let me know how that works out, buddy.

Brian: (shocked) What the hell?

Brian's Reflection: What's wrong Brian? Faced with the dilemma that you are about to make love with an unconscious woman, who happens to be your best friend's wife?

Brian: Hey, don't give me crap! What I do is...

Brian's Reflection: Oh no, I am giving you crap! That's a married woman you are about to make thick in the warm out there.

Brian: You're really calling it that outdated term?

Brian's Reflection: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT, YOU SCUM!

(This causes Brian to tumble over in fright.)

Brian's Reflection: Look at yourself, you are about to steal your friend's wife and for what? Because of her attractive appearence? Apparently, Mr. Boom-Smart, you never heard of the phrase 'Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder'. But if you insist on being a scum, you might as well join the bottom of the barrell.

(Brian stands up and soon sees that his reflection is back to doing whatever he does and what he is doing now is giving a scared, guilty look.)

Brian: My God, he's right! What am I thinking?! I...I can't have sex with Lois while she's still married, much less while she's in a coma. That would make me no better than John Lasseter.

(We see John Lasseter leaving Pixar Animation Studios with a box in his hands containing his possessions. He soon stops by some hedges for a minute and takes out his cellphone with one hand and holding his box in the other. He dials the phone before putting up to his ear.)

John: Hey Harvey. I just called to tell you that you are not alone in the 'poor treatment of woman' business.

(We cut to the Quahog Police Academy where several recruits are hard at work doing their exercises. Joe is seen in a new police unifrom with a whistle around his neck. The chief of police is next to him.)

Chief: Alright Swanson, since this is your first day as a drill sergeant, I figured it would be only fair for you to start training rookies on their first day here.

Joe: Okay.

Chief: Here they come now.

(We see some trainees coming to the chief and Joe. The chief soon whispers to Joe.)

Chief: (quietly) Just a heads up Swanson, one of the cadets has a mismatched large foot and could use that as an advantage.

Joe: (unnerved) Huh?

Chief: (normally) Well, I think you van handle it from here.

(The chief leaves as the cadets come to Joe.)

Joe: Alright newbies, I'm Drill Sergeant Joe Swanson, but please call me 'sir'.

Trainee #1: Uh, ok.

Joe: Today, we are going to go over the basics of the camp before we see if any of you are capable of taking on the more complicated stuff.

Trainee #2: You mean the running course with the tires, using a rope to climb the wall, and climb some monkey bars?

Joe: Well, something like that. (shouts) But come on, maggots, let's do this!

(He blows the whistle and soon the trainees are doing basic exercise like pull-ups, push-ups, lifting some light weights and then doing all of the stuff the second trainee said, with the trainee that has a mismatched foot gaining the lead against the other trainees. All the while, like in Joe's flashback from earlier, the song 'St. Elmo's Fire' plays in the background. Soon, after a montage of some more training like jogging, jumping jacks and oddly enough, drinking Monster Energy Drinks, we see Joe looking proud before the camera pans out and reveals he's sitting next to a radio, playing 'St. Elmo's Fire'. He then shuts it off.)

Joe: (looking at the radio) Can't believe they still play this song here. (Looks over to the coming trainees, who are completely tuckered out.) Okay, you guys had a hard day of training, but it's high time you hit the showers and go back to your resting quarters to save your energy for tomorrow's training.

The Trainees: (tiredly, while giving a salute) Yes, sir.

Joe: Good.

(The trainees leave, and Joe looks on with a smile.)

Joe: I cannot believe this. I'm actually good at being a Drill Sergeant. I feel as grand as Jeff Bridges did in R.I.P.D.

(We see Jeff Bridges talking to the director of said movie, Robert Schwentke.)

Jeff: I tell you Robert, this role feels like something I was meant to play.

Robert: Good Jeff. Now can you and Ryan get on set to the scene where the two of you first meet.

Jeff: (putting on a cowboy's hat) Yes, sir-re! (He walks to the set.) I can guarantee this movie will not critically flop!

(Cut back to Joe giving a cheeky grin.)

Joe: Too bad all know how that turned out!

(The audience laughs as Joe resumes grinning cheekily before waving to the audience.)

(We cut to the Griffin household where Brian is scene drinking some beer in the kitchen before looking out the door to the still comatose Lois. He then shuts the door while reeling his head back in and shudders.)

Brian: Okay Brian, just...let me see.

(He looks at the timer he placed on the table to give out the countdown of Lois' coma and the numbers 26:00 are on it.)

Brian: 26 hours left?! how am I supposed to control myself for that long?

(The doorbell from the door rings and Brian goes from the kitchen room to the front door in the living room to answer it. He gives a brief glance at the unconscious Lois before taking a breath of self-control through his nose and answering the door and Quagmire is on the opposite end of it, looking upset.

Brian: Quagmire? What are you doing here?

Quagmire: A little bird told me you did my 'Who else but Quagmire?' bit yesterday.

(Suddenly, the bird from 'Quagmire and Meg' shows up.)

Bird: Did you give me credit?

Quagmire: Yes.

Bird: (to Brian) I told him.

Brian: (to the bird) Okay, I think two episodes, even though they are long seasons apart, are too much for you.

Bird: (sighs) Okay, I'm off.

(He leaves before Quagmire resumes laying into Brian.)

Quagmire: Anyway Brian, I am suing you for copyright infringement. (He takes out a lawsuit from.) And that 'read my text' line? Surely, you can do better than that.

Brian: I know, that's why I said that was pretentious even for me.

(Quagmire sees Lois on the couch.)

Quagmire: (whispering) Oh sorry, I didn't know Lois was sleeping.

Brian: She's not. She's in a coma.

Quagmire: She is?

Brian: Yeah, it lasts for 48 hours and she has 26 left before she wakes up. And this is gonna sound sick of me, but I have this overwhelming urge to take the opportunity to...well...

Quagmire: To do what?

Brian: (hesitantly) Make...thick in her warm?

Quagmire: (looking even more annoyed) Okay first of all Brian, that term is outdated.

Brian: That's what I told my reflection.

Quagmire: Weird. And second of all, how can you even have the urge to do that to Lois when she's married and unconscious?

Brian: I know, I'm a piece of scum. I am trying to keep myself under wraps, but the urge just won't go away.

Quagmire: Well, let me give you some help on that. Spend the next 26 hours at my house until Lois is conscious again.

Brian: Really? Wow Quagmire, that is totally nice of you to do.

Quagmire: Don't be sappy about, just get what you want to bring with you and let's go.

(The scene flips to Quagmire's house where Brian is sitting on his couch while typing on his laptop.)

Brian: "And that is when the socks came to life and merges together by using their threads and made one huge monster sock and it became the size of three houses combined."

Quagmire: Hey Brian, I'm gonna go get some martinis from the kitchen, you want one.

Brian: No thanks. (gives an annoyed look) Disney has other plans for my drinking privileges.

(The camera pans back to reveal Pete the Cat in the living room, giving Brian a smug grin.)

Pete: (cackles) That's right Brian. You ain't drinking over 1 gallon anymore! (cackles again)

(Quagmire goes into his kitchen before closing the door.)

Quagmire: (quietly) God, him and his mediocre writing. Monster Socks? That's the most unoriginal title I ever heard, same goes for the monsters being socks, which is more for comedy than anything. (He goes over to his window and looks over at the Griffin house, talking normally again while grinning maliciously.) Enough about that though. I got a warm to make thick. (stops for minute) My God, that really is an outdated term.

Voice: Oh, I don't know.

(Quagmire turns around and sees Coach Steve from Netflix's Big Mouth.)

Coach Steve: I use it a lot and it seems fine with me.

Quagmire: Are you even supposed to be on this show?

(Coach Steve suddenly starts disappearing.)

Coach Steve: Apparently not.

(He vanishes.)

(Commercial Break)

(We cut to the Drunken Clam at night where Peter and Cleveland were drinking and talking.)

Peter: So the back-half of season 9 had the most terrible episodes. I mean 'Daring Doubt' basically retconned a fan-favorite character into an unknown ne'er-do-well.

Cleveland: I know what you mean, 'Growing Up is Hard to Do' was a desperate episode made by the writers.

Peter: And don't even get me started on the Grogar twist.

Cleveland: I pinky-sweared myself not to talk about that. But enough about ponies, where are Joe and Quagmire?

Peter: Well, Quagmire is busy with the subplot, as for Joe...

Joe: (offscreen) He's here.

(Peter and Cleveland see Joe rolling to the booth, still in his Drill Sergeant unifrom.)

Peter: Hey Joe. Why are you still wearing your sergeant outfit?

Joe: Well, I have to get as much drill sergeant practice as I can.

Cleveland: Now that makes no sense. How can you practice for being a drill sergeant?

Joe: (shouting) Are you backtalking me maggot?!

(Cleveland looks shaken)

Cleveland: Um, w..what?

Peter: Hey Joe, don't yell at Cleveland like that!

Joe: Oh, now your giving me lip, fatty?!

Peter: (looks shaken to) Uh...

Joe: Both of you need a lesson in adherence. Both of you drink your beers, now!

(He blows his whistle and the two drink their beers out of fear. Jerome comes over to Joe.)

Jerome: Joe, if you can't lower your voice, I'm gonna have to kick you out.

Joe: Looks like everybody is giving me lip today! Go get yourself a beer and drink it, maggot!

Jerome: (sighs) I warned you.

(He grabs Joe's wheelchairs by the handles and takes him out of the Clam.)

Joe: Hey, hey, hands off the wheelchair!

(Peter and Cleveland stop drinking their beers and give a concerned look.)

Cleveland: Oh my God! This whole new job has turned Joe into a tyrant.

Peter: You're right! Joe has gone mad with power.

Cleveland: Tomorrow morning, we gotta find Mr. Sulkin. Maybe he can talk sense into Joe.

Peter: Yes. But while we wait for tomorrow, can we listen to 'Downtown' by Macklemore from the jukebox?

Cleveland: Oh, why not? I like the song to.

(The camera pans to reveal the jukebox playing 'Downtown'. After a few seconds Peter and Cleveland begin mouthing the lines and soon begin dancing to the tune.)

(We cut to Quagmire's residence the next morning where Brian is sleeping on the couch before waking and looking at the timer that he bought from the house which reads 7:00.)

Brian: Okay, seven more hours until Lois wakes up and for me to control myself.

(The doorbell rings, prompting Brian to get up from the couch and answer the door. The other side reveals to be Stewie.)

Brian: Oh, hey Stewie.

Stewie: Brian, when are you coming home? It's getting lonely without you. I mean my siblings are busy doing their own (bleep) and Rupert isn't as fun as he used to be.

(Pan over to Stewie's window with Rupert looking out of it and a somber tune plays. We back to Stewie and Brian.)

Brian: Don't worry Stewie, in 7 hours, I will come back until Lois wakes up.

Stewiw: I cannot believe you're staying away from the house just to curb your desire to have sex with my mother.

Brian: Well forgive me Stewie, but I want to take complete measure to make sure I don't ruin my and Peter friendship.

Stewie: Yeah, too bad Quagmire can't do the same thing.

Brian: (looking puzzled) uh, what?

Stewie: Quagmire, he's planning on doing Lois in half-an-hour.

Brian: Wait, how do you know that?

Stewie: Just 2 hours ago, he came by for a visit at our house to help the fat-man clean the basement and he dropped this?

(He produced a folded piece of paper from his pocket and gives it to Brian, who unfolds it to reveal:

TO-DO LIST:

-HELP PETER CLEAN THE BASEMENT.

-PLOW LOIS WHILE SHE'S IN A COMA.

Brian: (looking shocked) Oh my God, that son of a bitch! (calms down) Wait a minute, did you just discover this list now?

Stewie: Pretty much.

Brian: Right, and you told me now rather than later because you probably had indifferent feelings to it.

Stewie: Honestly, I do have indifferent feelings. I just told you because I wanted to.

Brian: Ok, enough of this now. I'm gonna save Lois from Quagmire like a hero, similar to veins of Rocket Raccoon.

(We cut to Star-Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy creeping up on a sleeping Gamora. Suddenly, a blast of electricity stopped Star-Lord in his tracks and he fell over, paralyzed. The scene pans out to reveal Rocket giving a deadpan look.)

Rocket: Forgive me Quill, but you were gonna to something unspeakable to her that even her crazy father wouldn't approve of.

(We cut to some apartment in Quahog where inside, we see Peter and Cleveland sitting in chairs and talking to Sulkin, who is also in a chair. This is Mr. Sulkin's apartment, or at least will be as there are many boxes with items packed in it.

Sulkin: I must admit, it is a surprise to see you two here.

Peter: Yeah, Mr. Sulkin, we're really sorry to bother you, but we need to speak to you about Joe and his new position as a drill sergeant.

Sulkin: Why, is he struggling with it.

Cleveland: Oh no, it's the opposite problem. He's doing too good of a job.

Sulkin: What?

Peter: Joe has completely lost it.

Cleveland: Last night at the bar, he acted like a drill sergeant while off-duty. Said that he was just practicing.

Peter: Practicing being a bully.

Sulkin: In other words, the power has gone to Joe's head?

Peter: Yeah, he's more prideful than a Peacock!

(Cut to a peacock in an open field looking annoyed.)

Peacock: (with the voice of David Harman) That is a cruel stereotype!

(Cut back to Sulkin's apartment.)

Cleveland: Anyway, we came here to ask you to talk some sense into him since you were his drill instructor when he trained to be a cop.

Sulkin: Alright. Let's go.

(They get up from the chairs and start to leave.)

Peter: (stopping) Hang back a second Mr. Sulkin, a quick question. (The others stop and look at him.) Have you ever noticed you sound like the evil turtle in Rango?

Mr. Sulkin: Eh, I always thought my voice to be partial to the teddy bear from Toy Story 3.

Peter: Honestly, I find that villain to be forgettable.

Cleveland: Okay, first of all, are we really talking about this now? And second, Peter, if you were a Pixar fan, you'd see how Lotso is one of the more well-known Pixar baddies.

Peter: (shrugs) If you say so. Personally, my favorite is the Pterodactyl from The Good Dinosaur, but enough about that, let's back to business.

(They all leave the apartment. The camera pans out to reveal a hidden room where the events of the scene were being watched on a television by all of the Pixar villains. who are sitting at a table and they're sitting in order of when their movies were released, from Toy Story-Toy Story 4, not counting Inside Out, Finding Dory, and Onward as they didn't have villains.)

Lotso: (with the voice of Seth MacFarlane) How could that idiot not recognize me as one of Pixar's best villains?

Thunderclap: (with the voice of Danny Smith) Relax Lotso, not everyone has good taste in villains. Although, I am flattered by what the fatty said about me being his favorite even though I am not the most popular Pixar villain.

(Lotso just rolls his eyes.)

(We cut back to the Griffin household where Quagmire has dimmed the lights and has putted candles all over the living room table, with a cover under the candles to keep the wax from getting on the table and he has removed Lois's clothes (with the exception of her bra and her underwear) along with his own clothes (with the exception of his underwear). Quagmire is currently leaning on the couch giving his current conquest a lustful look.

Quagmire: Heh, alright baby. Just let me fill my ding-a-ling with cream and then I'll be back.

(Quagmire goes upstairs to the bathroom and as soon as he's gone, Brian and Stewie stick their heads out of the kitchen.)

Brian: You got her extra clothes, Stewie?

Stewie: Yep, straight from the washing machine.

(The duo take a fully dressed Lois, who is still unconscious, out the door just as Quagmire gets out of the upstairs bathroom.

Quagmire: Alright gorgeous, time to get started.

(He sees that Lois has disappeared.)

Quagmire: What the hell? Where'd she go? Her coma is still active for another 6 hours.

(He hears a car speeding away, looks out the window, and sees Brian driving in his Prius.)

Quagmire: (irate) Oh, want to be a hero, huh Brian? Well, I'm going to do Lois even if it kills me.

(Suddenly, Death comes over to Quagmire.)

Death: Oh, it won't kill you. Not unless you use a bike with a jetpack strapped to the back or ride on a missile like that guy in Dr. Strangelove.

Quagmire: Thanks Death, but now's not the time.

(Quagmire grabs a nearby robe, puts it on and runs outside the Griffin household.)

Death: No, but soon it will be Glenn. (The camera does a close up onto his face as his voice is filled with eeriness.) Soon it will be.

(We cut to the academy where Joe was currently yelling at his trainees, who are doing push-ups on a grass field.)

Joe: YOU CALL THOSE PUSH-UPS?! I BEEN DOING PUSH-UPS WHEN I WAS 3 AND A 1/2!

Trainee: Are you being literal about that, sir?

Joe: Is that backtalk I hear? Keep doing push-ups!

(He blows his whistle very loud and the clearly exhausted students keep doing their push-ups.)

Sulkin: Joe!

(Joe looks behind him and sees Sulkin, Peter, and Cleveland coming to him, with the fromer having an upset look on him.)

Joe: Sergeant Sulkin? Why are you here?

Sulkin: Your friends told me that you let your new position as a drill sergeant go to your head. And after seeing what happened just now, I say they're correct.

Joe: (to Petr and Cleveland) Snitches! (to Sulkin) Come on, Sulkin, I'm just trying to be a good drill sergeant like you used to be.

Sulkin: Joe, a drill sergeant may have the job to yell at and discipline the trainees in order to make them tough and strong in order to prepare themselves whenever they graduate from the academy, though it's probably "if" giving that some might not graduate, but that's not the point. But a true 'good' drill sergeant is someone who the trainees can count on in order to build not only strength, but heart and compassion and I am afraid that's the one thing you are not doing.

(Joe looks at Peter and Cleveland, who give saddened glances and at his trainees, who look tired. He then gives a look of shock.)

Joe: My God, you're right! (to the trainees) Trainees, you can stop now.

(The trainees stop push-ups and lay down on the ground, groaning.)

Joe: Please go back to the dorms and rest those legs and feel free to pick up some water on the way.

(The trainees retreat to the dorms and the trainee with the mismatched large foot comes up to Joe, looking upset.)

Mismatched Foot Trainee: My big foot was already sore when I came here, but not it feels like I need to stick it in ice.

(He leaves and Joe faces Peter and Joe.)

Joe: Guys, I cannot apologize enough for letting this new position as a drill sergeant go to my head.

Peter: Aw, don't worry Joe, you're still our pal.

Cleveland: Yeah.

(Joe faces Sulkin.)

Joe: Thanks, Sulkin, you really do deserve to retire.

Sulkin: Indeed. I can't wait to send you a postcard from Florida.

Cleveland: Florida?

Sulkin: Yes, I'm moving to a nice retirement home there. Did you not see all the packed boxes I have in my apartment?

Cleveland: I thought that apartment was the place you were retiring to.

Sulkin: No dumbass, that was where I used to live before retiring.

Peter: Seriously Cleveland, even I thought about that when we went to visit him this morning.

Joe: I want to retire to Florida.

Peter: Provided that Bonnie, Kevin, and Susie are willing to go with you.

Sulkin: Yeah, they may want to stay in Quahog.

Cleveland: And if you guys movie to Florida, you could make that situation a series like I did.

Peter: I know the fans are going to get mad at me for this, but I kind of miss The Cleveland Show.

Cleveland: Aw, Peter.

Sulkin: So do I, especially the bear, only I wished he smell like strawberries.

Joe: (to the audience) Okay, that enough with the joke about Ned Beatty voicing the villain from Toy Story 3.

(We cut to Brian's Prius going at a fast pace over Quahog. We hen cut to the inside of the car where Brian looks utterly panicked, Stewie is looking behind him out the window on the passenger seat, and Lois was in the back, being held together by the seatbelts. Speaking of which, Brian and Stewie are wearing their seatbelts.)

Brian: Do you see him, Stewie?

Stewie: Not yet Brian. He must be far away back as we speak.

(Brian suddenkly gives a shocked looked and slams down on the brake, causing his car to come to an abrupt stop. And Stewie felt the gravity wave as he fell back on the chair and is held by the seatbelt. Lois also suffers from the gravity, but like Stewie, the seatbelts kept her in place.)

Stewie: (irate) What the hell's your problem, Brian?

Brian: (Still looking shocked as he points out his front window.) That is.

(Stewie looks out and gives a look of shock to. The camera pans out side and spins 90% as we see a giant woman's torso with no arms or legs, has 4 wheels on the bottom and is wearing a fake purple bra. On top of the torso, was Quagmire, who was holding two levers.

Quagmire: (angrily) Hello, bastards.

Brian: What the hell is he driving?

Stewie: Some kind of giant woman's body.

Quagmire: I've waited for too long to get to Lois and I'm not about to let you guys rain on my parade. But I'll rai non yours.

(He presses a button on the control panel of his vehicle and two small holes appear out of the woman's breasts and out of them came long, narrow, giant gun barrels. Stewie and Brian give a very shocked expression.)

Stewie: Well crap.

(Out of the right barrel comes an spout of some liquid substance and Brian manages to swerve out of the way and drive back in the opposite direction. Quagmire follows them while continuing shooting the liquid at them. Cut to the inside of Brian's Prius, where Brian is again panic-stricken while driving.)

Stewie: Is he shooting breast milk at us?

Brian: I honestly do not want to stick around to find out.

(The chase continues as Quagmire resumes shooting at them and Brian dodged his shots. At one point, Quagmire's 'breast milk' hits a passing Herbert, who stops for a minute as he sees some 4-year-olds come and lick the 'breast milk' and he gives a creepy grin.)

Herbert: Well, this is the most annoying and best thing that ever happened to me.

(We cut back to Brian as he continues to dodge Quagmire's attacks with his car. Again, we cut to the inside of it.)

Brian: This is insane, Stewie! We need to find some way to get rid of him!

(Stewie thinks for a minute before having a look of inspiration.)

Stewie: I think I know how to do so Brian. (points out the front window) Make a right turn on this coming intersection.

(Brian does as Quagmire continues to follow the Prius. Pretty soon, hey are on an open route and Quagmire seemingly has the car in his sights.)

Quagmire: Alright you two, enough playing around.

(He is about to take another shot when he soon notices some flashing lights.

Quagmire: What the...

(He sees a very large strip joint where there is party music and many girls are seen and heard having fun while barely wearing any clothes and there were many flashing lights. He gives a look hunger.)

Quagmire: The Smith Strip Club, the wildest strip club in Quahog. (He gives a look of control.) Come on Glenn, remember; you're trying to bang Lois.

(He again tries to fire at the fleeing Prius, but keeps looking at the strip club and back at Brian's club. Until finally, he gives into temptation.)

Quagmire: Aah! I can't take it!

(He gets out of his strange vehicle and goes into the strip club. Brian and Stewie look back at this before looking at each other.)

Brian: (amazed) Wow, real smart thinking there, Stewie.

Stewie: What can I say? A sex-maniac like Quagmire can't say 'no' to a strip club that crazy.

(Brian looks at his watch and it reads 1:00, much to his shock.)

Brian: Oh my God, Lois wakes up in an hour. We have got to get her back home.

Stewie: Well you know the way, dog.

(The camera pans to outside where Brian turns his car around and takes the road back home.)

Stewie: (offscreen) You got to hand it to Quagmire, that woman body tank that shoots breastmilk is pretty ingenious.

Brian: (also offscreen) Yeah. I bet he had that made using the money for the Petercopter.

Stewie: Don't forget the Hindenpeter, the Peterdactyl, the Peterang, the Megcopter,

Brian: Alright I get it.

Stewie: The Loismarine, the Chrisplane, the Stewietank, the Briansteed,

Brian: I said I...wait, Briansteed? Steed as in horse?

Stewie: Yeah.

Brian: So, the rest of the family get actual vehicles and I just get a horse?

Stewie: You might like it.

(A few seconds pass by.)

Brian: I don't.

(Commercial Break)

(We cut back to the Griffin household were Lois is seen on the couch waking up from her coma.)

Lois: (yawns) Oh my God. That was a hell of a nap.;

(Brian comes in with Stewie)

Brian: Hey there, Lois. I see your out of your 2-day coma.

Lois: Yeah and I feel completely sexed out. I'm ready to get it on with Peter!

Brian: He's in the bedroom right now, having a little rest from his plot with Joe.

(Lois get up from the couch and starts to walk upstairs before turning to Brian.)

Lois: You kow Brian, I kind of expected you to get it on with me when I was unconscious.

(Brian looks shocked.)

Brian: You did?

Lois: Yeah. I didn't like Peter doing it since, well, he's my husband. But if someone else did it, it would be fair game since I'm in a coma and therefore unaware of the sex, which kind of makes it better for me since I wouldn't like it if I was consciously aware of it.

(She again walks back upstairs, leaving Brian and Stewie stunned.)

Brian: I don't believe this Stewie. She wouldn't have minded if someone else slept with her while she was unconscious? I makes all that work I put in to avoid sleeping with her seem meaningless.

Stewie: Maybe it's for the best Brian. I mean whether she would've minded or not, it still would've been a pretty crappy thIng to do, especially since the fat man gets really mad when others try to do that.

Brian: Well, I'm sorry to say this Stewie, but we live in a very crappy world made by people who want to use basically every amoral action in the book for humor. In real-life, me sleeping with Lois while unconscious would've been a huge transgression. Here though, it seems like the equivalent of a mediocre knock-knock joke.

Stewie: So you're say that if I do something, like drug Lois with a huge amount of sleeping pills, pretend to be a doctor on the phone and say that the resulting coma is a rare disease, and expect you to either sleep with her or keep yourself under control, it would just be one huge joke.

(Brian looks absolutely shocked before turning to the viewers.)

Brian: Well I certainly fell for that trick.

(Cut to the 'Who Else But Quagmire?' host again.)

Host: Who else but Brian?

(We see close-ups of Brian giving 2 face poses.)

Female Singers: He's Brian, Brian,

(Brian once again sticks his head out of a colorful background.)

Brian: Ha-ha-ha!

Stewie: Okay, I bet Quagmire will really hit you with that lawsuit now.

(End Credits)