Chapter XIV

November's crisp air filled Joyce's bedroom when she opened the window for a while and stuck her head outside, allowing her gaze to take in the frosty morning on the Tuscan fields, her cheeks slightly reddening from the chilly breeze. Satisfied, she closed the window and sat down carefully on her new rocking chair, a gift from Luca's mother and the most comfortable seat in the whole house. Joy's shoulders were covered by a woollen, emerald jumper which accompanied her in every winter for a few years already, her favourite thing that always smelled of the Rainbow Valley as if it was knitted in its magic. It perfectly covered her now more visible abdomen and allowed her to breathe in the five long pages that her little sister sent to her. Joy was surprised at only five pages, she was used to getting at least six from Rilla, nonetheless Joy was prepared for a longer morning with a light tea next to her and Bacio's head resting on her feet.

"Carl is already overseas, I cannot believe it! I have seen him enlist and get onto the train and yet it all seems like a dream to me. We were such pals and playmates for as long as I can remember and now he is off fighting for his country and for us. Why, oh why can't I go and enlist too? Surely, I can be of some help too, don't you agree, Joy?" Rilla's frivolous handwriting started to be rushed again as her thoughts clearly gained speed at that point of letter writing.

Joy smiled and chuckled, why, she could just picture Rilla in a khaki dress ("I could never wear trousers like boys do, Joy, I can never truly understand why you wear them and with such delight? Do tell me, it has been on my mind forever!") with a stern look about her and fists ready for a battle. Joy glanced at the photograph standing on her table, a family photograph the Blythe family took when she last visited them over a year earlier. Joy wondered how much Rilla would still change before she'd see her again, and her heart ached at the thought that she may never see her as a child again. Joy sighed and shook her head with a decisiveness to read on.

"Jims is getting so plump, Joy, he is a true champ! I will try to take a photograph of him at some point and I will be sure to send it to you to show him off. We all thoroughly enjoy him being here at Ingleside, and so far it seems like he is one of very few good things that the war brought to us. Walter's baby and, of course, your own little one are the other two positives. I do try to hang onto them the most I can, Joy. I miss your constant delight at the world, and your letters alone bring so much merriness into my soul, I already feel my eyes filling with tears from missing you so, my wonderful sister."

Joy felt a tear rolling down her own freckled cheek. Oh, how much she missed Rilla! She was always in her thoughts, and an apple of her eye, especially when Rilla was still a baby. Joy was her guardian, scolding Jem and others for teasing her and calling her 'Spider', making sure Rilla knew she was beautiful and strong in her own right. Joy felt a sense of achievement in that moment, as with every letter, Rilla was showing more and more of her strength as a young woman and Joy never doubted that she was anything different but only hoped she would realise it sooner rather than later and embrace it.

A new paragraph, and Rilla's handwriting shifted to a clearer and more structured one. It looked as if she was carefully choosing each word. Joy started reading and her heart suddenly froze for a second. "Joy, I haven't yet told you of Kenneth Ford paying me a visit at the Ingleside a little before he was leaving overseas. I suppose I felt strange writing to you about it knowing that you two are very, very much attached to one another. However, the thought of me not telling you was eating me alive and I felt really guilty and so there... He paid me a visit (maybe 'us' but only Susan and I were in the house when he visited) and the two of us spoke for a while before Susan in her own way interrupted and told all sorts of embarrassing stories from our childhood (and I still cannot believe she did it!). I know, as you have said this many times, that you do not feel like you and Ken are anything more serious than best of friends and so I feel free to admit I fully realised that evening that I do have such feelings for Ken myself."

Joy squinted her eyes and let go of the letter, letting it fall into her lap. Bacio rose her head and looked at Joy with concern. Joyce, however, was peaceful, only her stare was somewhere far away while looking at the wall in front of her. Rilla was in love with Ken? Her Ken? Her favourite person in the world? It made perfect sense that Rilla fell in love with Ken, Joy realised, and it was ridiculous that Joyce never have herself. Ken was handsome, tall, intelligent, cheeky, ambitious and kind with a queue of girls following him around wherever he went, ever since their school-days. Ken was a man she knew she could always rely on with any heaviness or merriment of life she could feel, who was an unpredictable gentleman who could do mischief with grace when he wanted to. In that moment, Joy realised that the only reason she never fell in love with Kenneth Ford was because she was afraid of what that meant. Because she knew that they were perfect for each other and that thought terrified her. How could she want a partner who was perfect for her when she always loved the chaos and strange turn of events in her life, just as stories she wrote? She always imagined herself with a man vastly different than her own self, someone like Luca, who was steady, calm, and practical. And yet on that November day, in that rocking chair, she felt like she cheated herself out of a perfectly wonderful love. She swiftly tossed papers around her table, looking for Ken's last letter. She found it and looked at the date he wrote on top of the page, she compared it to Rilla's letter, the same date. The same day.

"I wish I could pick you up and embrace you so tightly, all your troubles and worries could instantly jump out of your mind and vanish in front of our eyes." He wrote. Joyce traced the writing with her fingers, very softly. She could read it even if she couldn't see, she knew his handwriting so well. "As always, my dearest, I am sending you my heart with my love." He ended his letter. He never mentioned Rilla or coming to see her and Joy wasn't sure what that meant either. Did he think that Rilla will tell Joy herself, or maybe he thought nothing special of his visit to the Ingleside on that day? Or… Ken too felt something for Joy's little sister and couldn't bring himself to tell Joy over the letter?

Joy threw both letters on her bed and stood up to the window, opening it again, letting the fast-flowing tears dry in the chilly breeze. Her heart was pounding, her face was reddening, lips trembling. She was never in this sort of state, and all she could feel was anger at herself. She loved Ken, she loved him! She always had and it was so simple in that moment, Joy couldn't believe her own previous insanity.

She closed the window. Sat down by her table. Took a piece of paper and her pen out. As she put her pen into the ink and was about to write the first word on the page, she stopped. A droplet of ink went through the paper painfully. Joy's jaw dropped slightly and a few tears rolled down her cheeks once more. "I can't." she whispered to herself. She looked down at the golden ring on her finger. Then at Rilla's letter she left on her bed. Joy felt like her world was ending.

Suddenly, there was a kick. Not weak at all, a strong first kick, right beneath her ribs. Joy gasped and dropped the pen onto the white paper, spilling more ink. There was another kick, and another. "You're dancing around in there!" she chuckled through the tears. Her hands found their way onto her belly, and she cuddled it gently, closing her eyes and delighting herself in this new and yet wonderful sensation which meant the world wasn't ending, but quite the opposite, a new world was beginning.


25th December 1915

My lovely Walter,

Nothing pleases me more than receiving a letter from you, knowing you are out there in this world, powering through the unknown to me depths. Know that in my mind you are a true Saint Nicholas, you are the wonder and the blessing in my life. I know this Christmas is very different to the ones you are used to but take heart, dear brother, you may just be back for next Christmas and by then a little copy of you will be running (or trying to) around the Christmas tree at our Ingleside. Who knows, maybe I will also be there with you and with my own little copy being a pal to yours. Think of this, Walter, think of this idea, and of your Una and your little baby. Think of them today, nothing else will matter. I am happy to know that you are healthy and you are surviving well, as I knew you would. I know you and Ken will soon be on your way to the trenches but I promise you that I think of it with not a worry painted on my face, I am simply the one to wish you all the luck this world can offer. Please keep up with your hopeful spirits of your last letter, and do keep your thoughts focused on the family you have waiting for you back home. Each day you're closer to being reunited with them and us all.

It is such fun to write with Una and exchange our thoughts on us both carrying sweet angels under our hearts at the same time. Una is a true warrior, she doesn't complain about a thing, in her sweetness there's an unmeasurable strength, but you know that of course. I cannot wait to see her again too, and at that to see you all again. Christmas has a way of getting you to remember all your loved ones, no matter how hard you try to not think and dwell too much on the distance between you. Somehow today I feel very close to you all, I have my own little mind conversations with all of you my dearest siblings, with Mama and Dad, with Susan, all the Merediths, Ken… Everyone! I was worried I couldn't remember your voices but to my delight I can, and I cried many tears today, from missing you all but also from loving you so much.

You asked me to tell you what I am wearing today, well, I have Ken's pearls around my neck, Luca's emerald ring on my finger, and a new (as I cannot fit into my old clothes now) brown and plain dress. However, dear Alma couldn't bear the plain dress so she sewed a white flowery collar on top, and it may just be my favourite dress. With just four more months before my baby is born, I am taking in all those moments where I catch my reflection in the mirror and see him or her growing each day, or when I feel any kick or flutter and know that he or she is dancing in there. No, I do not have an inkling in regard to whether my baby is a girl or a boy and truly, I do not mind either way. I've always thought that I'd love to raise a girl to be a strong and powerful woman, however, I would also adore to raise a boy to be a strong and powerful man. Luca thinks the baby is a girl, Ken thinks so too. Gia and Alma decided I am carrying a boy, and everyone else also doesn't know for sure, like myself! Whatever the sex of this baby is, I know that I love them so very much already, a love that's so different to the ones I've known so far in my life.

Walter… I finished writing my third book! Don't ask me about the title just yet, it's still the one to come to me at some point, however, my manuscript was just accepted by my new publisher in England, do you remember Mr Collins who I worked for in London? This particular book is in English and it has been my little secret for a while now, it depicts my travels and reflections. I cannot wait to see what feedback I will get! And also, I would love to translate it to Italian and publish an Italian version here, and this is my next project.

I know you must be wondering why I am working so much again. Well, Walter, I have been keeping a secret buried very deeply in my heart. Quite frankly, no one knows about it, well, maybe apart from Bacio. I promise to share it with you once I figure out a plan on how to manage my sudden change of emotions or rather my sudden realisation of having them. That's the reason for me becoming busy, I needed a distraction to my thoughts for a little while. I do not mind, this way I am making up for all the work time I will surely miss on once this little baby of mine will make their appearance onto the world in the spring. However, I do need to focus on sorting those feelings and figuring out what I want and how I want to get it.

Moving away from this subject, I will start going downstairs to help Gia with packing the food we made yesterday evening. We are going to her family for dinner, like last year. I couldn't be more grateful for them all to accept me so readily for their Christmas and I know it will be such a lovely time. My last Christmas before I become a mama myself... I still think this is a very strange thought! However, I cannot wait, I just cannot wait to spend the rest of my Christmases on this Earth as a mama... What a fabulous thought!

My wonderful brother, I wish you a very Merry Christmas. I wish for you to smile and laugh at something silly or familiar, I wish for all your days and nights to be lucky and for each to end quickly, so you can get home quicker. I love you, always and forever. Please give a strong embrace to Ken from me, I just finished writing him his Christmas letter too.

Keep safe and warm, both of you.

Forever your sister,

Joy