Sonic Youth - Little Trouble Girl


July 02, 1778

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Apples.

MUNCH! CHOMP!...

GULP... G-GULP... BURP!

((( Sorry. We two are hungry, don't you agree? Heh... why I'm smiling like this? To where? Who am I talking to? Can you, at least, hear me? Hey! Can you? There's no other way you can answer me, besides what happened this morning, am I right? Maybe. Thanks to you, I hurled the dinner of last night, or something... I don't know what it truly was that mass, that piece threw away from my body from before, but certainly... disgusting. That's the word I could find to say. There's other words, but you'll learn them when you'll grown up, like me, your mother... )))

...99...

((( ...Mother? You may be asking what is a mother. My head keeps forgetting things, but I can't forget such a thing as mother. Well, besides mother, I can't forget the smell of anything. I can sense it more now. The smell of the apples, the smell of this the smell of the rain coming from the window, alike the smell of this morning like many. I'll show you what is a morning within the day you'll open the eyes. I wonder which color they got in there... but let's talk about what a mother is. Fine. Who is there to take care of you? Even there, inside? And when you'll come outside, who will embrace your little body with the arms? Don't worry, because it'll be me, your mother. They, like me, exist to carry you in there and here. I live here, and you may also live and learn. I guess you're sleeping by now, even if you didn't learned such from myself... )))

...99...

(((...This pillow you rest. Don't worry. As soon as you are within mother, there's no need to worry about the world outside. It's cold in there, but soon you'll grew up some fur as you live inside this house, and the warm you seek inside here will be the same, I know it will be. Do you believe in me? Truth be told, for your first breath, your throat will burn, but you won't be alone. I'll be there, like now...)))

(((...An 'I' is less than 'we', but better than 'nobody'. I'll hold you on the same way I keep you comfortably there, with these hands of mine. See? Those are 'hands'. Some uses their hands given to many things, good and bad ones. But to hold you with these hands will be surely a good thing, one of the best things they could attain. Like before, but now I won't commit such mistakes. Inside and outside, as you stay with me, I'll stay with you, even if you leave, there and here... )))

...99...

(((...Whew. today I slept with no underwear, dreaming of butterflies. Then, when I woke up, I took a bath with my pants on... )))

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(((...COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!... AAARGH! Oh, don't be afraid. That was just the dust, who fled from my carpet into my nose, and only. I didn't intended to scream, to awake you if you were sleeping. I'm sorry, but I keep forgeting you're the only one who can hear me and my thoughts, after all. Can't understand, but at least, I seem to know you can hear what I hear. Many can do the same as you, yet they sometimes don't, and a few less than sometimes they do something about the message I gave to them. You can't do something, besides listen to me... )))

...66...

(((...Someday, there'll be no more space remaining to yours there, but in this world there is a lot of space for you, more than the space of these arms and the one inside this house. I can listen to you too, even if you can't talk with your mouth. I'll taught you how to talk with your tongue later as you grow there. Well, what did I said? Oh, yes. You can talk to me, as I can to you. I know you do. When I ate these apples, and now that I ate another, I see you're eating them as well. If you don't, then I'll teach you, someday, when you'll come into my arms... )))

(((...Didn't I said it before, did I? Before is before, and should remain like...)))

(((...I'll be awaiting for you, patiently. You'll came into my arms and I'll hold you so tightly that nothing will harm you...))

...99...

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(((...What, me? Don't think such a thing. I won't harm you. See this? This is my hand, but look at the tip of each one. There is a nail for each finger of mine, Five on this hand, and five on this other; ten nails on both hands, and counting up the ones of my feet, there's twenty nails. When you'll born, there'll be no nails grew like mine into your hands and feet, thought, if you await like I am awaiting you, they will grown up like mine. When I hold you, these nails are not here to harm you, but those who'll try so...)))

(((...I'll be there for you, as much as you'll be there for me...))

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(((...Heard it? This is the beat of my heart. You also have a heart too, and you may share it with someone. Not this heart, but another who is called by same name. A Heart, to be exactly. Sure, you don't understand what am I talking about, don't you? It's understandable. I didn't learned of this until I had gotten nine of age, when... Well, let's just say your mother bled. Bled? yes. This is a world of pain, to be fair with you. They hurt you, you bled, you cry, they do more, you bled more, cry more... I might be scaring you by this far, but even I didn't told you how far some got into this.

(((...Maybe it's not the time to say it so, but as I said before, these nails aren't just there to be showed. They need some action; thought, that would inflict the code of honour of the Dragoon Knights... )))

...99...

...66...

(((...Not only mother, but those who do the same job as mother also follow it. It's something called by tradition, my dear. Customs, traditions, the law... you'll learn those. You need to learn. There's not only you that will be born in this world your mother lives. Many will be, and many already had been. You must be wondering if there's not only me, so there's not only a mother, right? You're right. For a mother, there must be a father. Your father, like many, went away from home. He didn't went far from this house because he abandoned us, or because he stopped to think or care about us...)))

...96...

(((...Remember when I told you about the pain of this world? So this war is pain, and pain is war. Your father may be struggling to protect us by now, from the enemy who wants to take us down...)))

(((...But that ain't war, my dear. It's the presage of something called by termination. When there's a war to happen or already happening, you feel pain, like those who went to the fight, but when it comes the termination, you have no time to feel pain, because you're away from this world. No, not again where you are, thought you may be a bit right about such. You will live with a body, but when you're gone, your body may perish, but your soul will depart, and part of it will be with the remaining ones who lived, who cared about you. Who else to protect our legacy besides those who knew about you, the things you had done for good? Thought, you may follow the path of evil, but that sure won't happen, with this mother you got, and this mother who will get such a child as you into her same arms...)))

...Hungry? So do I. Let's eat.

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Whew... what a conversation I had, mother...

Mother. You were the one who taught me to feel this good. This hair, this snout, this tail, these nails, these eyes, these lips, these cheeks, these arms, these legs, these hips, these clothes... each one of the elements proves I'm a woman, and more, like this house I stand, my husband and son who went outside, and you there, the only one who stood with me.

Mother... Why am I, and must, keep sewing these clothes, if all the men seek is to see us without them? Clothes carry on a meaning to each one. The cloth you and the others wore shows beyond yourself who you are, in a position lower or higher to be compared to anyone. Some who are born without them still achieve such higher positions, as we stand in the lowest or the one they calls by middle, a between that is a easy way found to say 'low' in other words, the words higher than us.

Mother, I am glad that I had such conversation with my son. My son... Jack. I didn't woke him up yet, thought he's able to do it alone. I see him walking downstairs, and he doesn't see me. Or even talk to me. Listen, he does, but why? Maybe it is because he still sees with me a piece of a mother, the piece of a ruler. I know, mother. The one who truly ruled above all the house was father. But I am not a father of his, and never would I be. Even if I had such will like his, I can't. Jack is the kind of son that doesn't seem to obey or care if his mother dissapeared. This mother who stands there. But he must obey, not because of me, but because of his father. He learned such more with the father of his, my husband, the one who should had been his mother instead.

— Hey, m-Lennie... – Jack ate a world, didn't he? No, that may be just my imagination. At least, he spoke with me. On the back of mine, but he spoke something. I'm all ears – Where is the bread?

— The bread? – was it already gone? I recall I had a lot... a week ago. Why do am I keep forgetting? The basic food, as bread? – Is bread the only food in fault, Jack? – I asked to my son. I wanted to see how he reacted when I said his name. Nothing. Just the same silence. To be adressed by the name of his, the name his mother used to call him by such... I still remember those moments, but it seems Jack don't.

— Hey! – Jack shouted. I looked at him, but then he said, with a look of the eye, that he meant to shout so I could hear his. Did he spoke with me when I was thinking? I don't seem to recall it. But now, I'm paying attention to Jack, and what's about to come next from the mouth of his – Lennie... you're so tall. Why can't you see the top?

— I'll see if there's something you might want to – then I raised from the chair I was sitting, enjoying of the apples, and so I came to the cabinet upwards, where Jack couldn't reach. Maybe he could, if I wasn't there. I check if there is something he may like, or not, but it may be something for breakfast, at least. He woke up now, so I must bring him something light to eat. No, no one eats pure carnations, only the desperate one, and he doesn't sound like this way, but still he's hungry. When we wake up, we don't seem to be able to eat, and still we are kept hungry. There it is... oats.

— Geez! Oats! – Jack exclaimed, when I put then into the table – That's food for the aged, Lennie – he uttered.

— Am I, perhaps, an aged? – I felt, somehow, offended by the tone Jack said 'aged', as if I was one. I'm only twenty-one years old, can't he see? Well, it seems he can't. I crossed both arms, and looked throught his eyes with mine, when I asked. I demanded an answer, which came on the way of Jack, and there's no surprises for it.

— Yes – he said, and only. Don't worry about this. He's just a child. Besides, anyone can see this white hair of mine and say wherever they want, but aged? That was the first time. They, those from my family, always told me I was older than my siblings, even when I was a child, like Jack. A child. You had been one too, don't you? And now you are the one awaiting for such. How tables turn... but still, some things are kept. I was once a child, Not so reckless as I recall. But frightned by the look... yes, I was. The look they, both mother and father carried upon their faces, each time I commited a mistake. Father had of the same look each day, whereas mother had her own look, and a bit of father's one.

My arms are no more kept crossed, I think. But Jack still looks at me, and is able to see this concern of mine. I'm worried to his, and so does he to me. And so, he does eat the oats I put in the table. He dislikes them, but insist to eat then. Besides bread, there's no more milk, I see. It's empty, but it'll be filled within this day. Even if I'm not his mother, I'm still the one left to create him.

And to think Bart left one more to be created soon... Well, that's just the start. I wonder, and so I'll keep wondering, where it all will go into. I'm sure Jack and I will be friends; and, maybe, mother and son. The last one seems to be a wish and only for now, so if he doesn't want to be my son, a new friend is fine, like the one whom he told about yesterday.

A female friend for Jack... I'll be thinking about it.

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