Love Quote #27 - "It's not that I want to have you. I want to deserve you."

"I wanna deserve you"

Andrea gently pulled away from Shane, breaking their silent kiss. It was the morning after they escaped from Woodbury and they were situated in the Hyundai's backseat where they had fallen asleep. Shane had just woke up and greeted her with a kiss. She had enjoyed the kiss, especially knowing that it wasn't easy for Shane, given his injuries. His lips were still puffy, but that hadn't stopped him from kissing her. Andrea sat against the window as Shane slowly situated himself in the backseat. They stared at each for a short time and Andrea wondered why Shane was looking at her so strangely when he finally spoke up.

"I wanna deserve you, Drea." Shane's voice was hoarse. "It ain't enough to have you or want you—"

"What do you mean 'deserve'? We have each other, Shane." She leaned forward and reached out to caress his face. He held her hand there on his cheek and then gently let it go. "It's nothing to do with what you or me 'deserve'…why would you think that?"

Shane sighed and stared through the window past Andrea. He thought of everything that happened yesterday. After putting distance between themselves and The Governor and Woodbury, they had argued—and then they had their most open and real conversation. He had opened up to her about Lori, his baby, the CDC—Shane shook his head, not wanting to replay that shameful scene in his mind. He had revealed everything, exposed his darkest secrets—all while knowing he risked losing her. He already came close to losing her in Woodbury because how he had treated her. The Governor's false charm made everything worse, but now it was only him and Andrea in the car—yesterday—and today.

His demons today were the same as yesterday's. It was only him and Andrea—and every awful secret and painful regret out in the open for her to critique, analyze, and judge. Last night, he had fallen asleep after the physical and emotional exhaustion caught up to him. When he had woke up this morning, Andrea surprised him by returning his kiss. Such a simple loving gesture meant everything to Shane. It meant Andrea was still with him—that she hadn't abandoned him after learning the truth about Otis.

Otis…

His darkest and ugliest secret. The one secret that forever changed him. He had let the man get devoured alive by walkers, just so he could save his own life in order to save Carl's. The supplies had to get back to Carl, so that Carl could live, but in doing so, he killed Otis—he sacrificed an innocent man who ended up dying a horrible death. I ain't a hero—I'm a murderer. For so long (and although he would never admit it to her or himself), Shane wanted Andrea to love him—he wanted to feel that he deserved her—but would she love him now that she knew he had killed someone? Would she be able to see him as a flawed human being who had made terrible choices for the right reasons—or as less than human, dangerous, and someone she should permanently cut out of her life?

It wasn't just what he had done to Otis. It was everything else—brooding over Lori ever since they left the farm and his awful treatment of Andrea. Did he really deserve her affection? Was he worthy of Andrea's respect? After he had talked down to her and acted controlling? Even if he meant well because he knew Philip Blake was a master manipulator, he had still behaved horribly and pushed her away. He had refused to connect with her because of his fears of losing her. He had lost Lori and he wasn't going to lose Andrea. Ironically enough, his trying to keep her far from his heart, while still trying to tether her to him, eventually caused Andrea to decide to break off from him. But he knew his demons stemmed from being unable to let go of Lori.

Losing Lori to Rick—although Lori had been with Rick first—was still difficult for his heart to accept. He had loved her; they had grown closer after he got her and Carl to safety, but then Rick returned and everything between him and Lori was over—everything except his yearning to be with her. Experiencing that harsh loneliness of wanting to be with someone who he couldn't be with, especially when that someone was right there, caused him to isolate himself more.

Even when Andrea offered him friendship that day in the cemetery and they finally left the farm, Shane figured having a sexual relationship with Andrea would keep his real feelings for her at bay. He could protect himself if he focused on enjoying her body and didn't allow himself to get emotionally attached to her. Although they had bonded on the farm during their walks, shooting lessons, and shared a tryst—Shane still wanted to keep Andrea out of his heart. When they were in Woodbury everything changed because The Governor's mind games forced him to face the truth: he loved Andrea and he wanted her in his life. And now, in the middle of nowhere with just him and Andrea, he wanted to know that he deserved her. He decided to ask her the same question that he brought up yesterday…

"Drea, I know I asked you yesterday, but I gotta know…"

"Know what?" Andrea led him when she saw him hesitating.

Shane looked directly at her now. "After everythin' you learned 'bout me yesterday, you still wanna ride with me?"

He thought the moment of truth had arrived yesterday, but then Shane realized Andrea had time to think over everything he had told her, and he had to know for certain: did Andrea truly want to be with him, and more importantly, did he deserve her?

Andrea moved closer to Shane, closing the gap between them in the Hyundai's backseat. Taking her hand in his hand, she squeezed it tightly.

"You know the answer, Shane, but yes, I still wanna ride with you—and that's not all."

Shane's eyebrows rose. "Yeah?"

"It's not a matter of whether we deserve each other or not. Look, you're not the only one who screwed up. In Woodbury, I was your worst enemy. I backstabbed you in the worst way. I gossiped about you to The Governor, told Merle where you hid your gun so he could steal it." Andrea shook her head, indicating she was disgusted with herself. "I gave you the silent treatment for a week, ignored all your attempts to work things out, and I…"

Now it was Shane who led Andrea. "You did what?" There wasn't a hint of anger in his tone.

Andrea swallowed nervously. "I chose the man who had you beaten within an inch of your life," she paused, choking back tears. Tears that she had shed yesterday, now returned today and she wiped her face. "I don't think it's matter of whether you deserve me, Shane. No, the question is whether I deserve you."

Shane was quiet as he thought about what Andrea told him. Then he knew the answer to the question that haunted them. The question of whether or not they deserved each other. He had told her the answer yesterday and now he realized that answer held true for today—and for however long they would be together…

"It's like I told you yesterday, Drea. I'm with you an' you're with me. I'm yours an' you're mine." Shane brought Andrea close to him and kissed her affectionately. When he broke the kiss, Shane offered a confident smile and was glad to see her show the same emotion: happiness, relief…and love. "I wouldn't have it any other way."