I

The Map

Once upon a hot afternoon under the blazing red sun, three cousins finally stopped their long running trek in the middle of a desert, panting as the sweat dripped from their bodies like water from milk.

These cousins were not ordinary folk. And though short and dwarfish, they were not your everyday dwarfish folk.

They were called Bone. To the ordinary eye, they were a peculiar looking folk, as they were a peculiar type of people. Little alabaster blobs with no hair and a bulbous nose, eight stubby fingers and no toes on two floppy big feet and very few selective clothing.

...

"Huff-huff...Made it! At last! Huff...huff...HAH...!" With a loud verbal sigh, Fone Bone let his armful of supplies fall at his and Smiley Bone's feet as he struggled to catch his breath, completely wiped out. He was never much of an athlete. Smiley, however, could breeze across a few miles without breaking a sweat…until now. They had been running and stopping for weeks.

As usual, he and his taller cousin ended up carrying everything in the long run, but he was small and carried more than the average, and that was only half while Smiley had the other average half. All because someone (he gave his third smaller cousin Phoney, the bane of their dilemma, the stink-eye) shoved his share of 'light' load into Fone Bone's arms before they finished escaping the first mile out of Boneville.

Standing next to him, beating his averagely short stature by two Bone feet, his taller cousin Smiley with his signature hat, vest, and toothy innocent smile lit one of his many cigars with a laid-back calm that worried over nothing, while the other (who was close to Fone Bone's size, give or take a millimeter) practically stumbled and crawled ten to twenty steps ahead until, with a dramatic heft, he slumped his black-sweater self with the star like a heavy bundle over a rock.

Managing to catch his breath, Fone Bone peered behind them. "Still no sign of the townspeople," he rasped.

"HEY! Ya hear that, Phoney?" Smiley called to the small Bone in the shirt. "Th' coast is clear!"

The little Bone in the rumpled shirt and the grumpy brow collapsed on the boulder with a sweaty wheeze, looking absolutely miserable.

"Look at him!" Nonchalantly the tall Bone gave a wave of his cigar at the former, before sticking it in his teeth. "We got chased outta Boneville over two weeks ago, an' he's still mopin' around! Ah well!" He turned to his other little cousin with the widest toothy grin. "I guess you can whine all you want when yer th' richest guy in the whole town!"

"AAAAHHHH!"

"Ooops! Silly me. Ex-richest!"

The little Bone sighed and lit cousin Smiley's cigar. "Don't get him started."

"THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Phone ranted in high-pitched wail with normally gruff-and-tuff tone. He shot up in a dramatic swoon. "You can't do anything to a RICH person that he doesn't WANT! GASP! OH!" He reached out toward the sky mournfully. "Th' HORRIBLE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL! I"M STILL REELING WITH SHOCK!" His hand clenched to a fist, his star-plastered chest puffed out. "I'm a respected community LEADER! A SHINING PILLAR OF MORAL STENGTH!"

Here we go again. Fone Bone rolled his beady black eyes and rummaged through his knapsack. Why oh why did he have to be the mature one? It made people forget that he was the youngest of the three, the kid brother...

"…So a couple of shady business deals went sour…Is THAT any reason to run th' most BELOVED BONE in Boneville out on rail?!"

"Yes," said Fone Bone bluntly, pulling out the folded parchment that was their map.

"Beloved? Th' mayor decalred a school holiday just so th' kids could come and throw rocks at you!"

"Ingrates! Oh, they'll rue th' day they chased Phoncible P. Bone outta their crummy ol' town!" Phoney sniffed.

"Now, now, little buckeroo, don't be sad!" said Smiley, taking off his hat. He gestured toward the sky with his cigar. "It's a beautiful day! There's not a cloud in the sky!"

Fone Bone wiped the drips of sweat of his bald white head. "Good point, Smiley," he panted. He opened the map, squinting as he tried to concentrate through his own dehydration. "If we don't find some shade soon, I'm gonna have a stroke!"

"Hey…" Smiley leaned a little towards his smaller cousin and muttered quietly at the corner of his mouth behind his hat so Phoney wouldn't hear, "…I'm just tryin' to cheer him up, okay? Ty thinking about something besides you money!" he said, dropping his hat just as swiftly as he switched back to Phoney, his wide grin returning. "Take me for example! I never had a penny in my life!" He lifted his arms to the sky. "But I'm not sad! I got no responsibilities! I'm free as a bird!"

"A bird? Ha!" Phoney laughed bitterly, while Fone Bone put his previous chart away to pull out another. "More like a mangy, stray dog who doesn't eat very often!"

Smily lowered his arms with a thoughtful look. "Well…true!" With one hand on his hip, he flicked his cigar at Phoney. "But you get my point!"

"HEY! FONE BONE!" yelled Phoney, finally sitting up.

"What?" Fone Bone tried to focus on the new map, hoping to block out his cousin's loud, obnoxious voice, but his cousin with his permanent scowl was already marching down the rock towards him, the navigator of the group.

"Have you figured out where we are yet?" Phoney demanded. "What's takin' so long?"

Fone Bone lowered his map and searched their surroundings. "I'm working on it! Hmmm….That's strange. That mountain range isn't on any of our charts––"

"Lemme see that!" Phoney snatched the map away, while a startled Fone Bone protested, "Hey!" The former opened the map, and then huffed. "Here's your problem, Fone Bone!" he said, after only a second of studying the map, and gave the paper a whack at the bottom. "We're off the map!" He shoved it back to his cousin. "Get a bigger map!"

"That's as big as maps get!"Fone Bone gestured at the desert beyond the map. "We're in uncharted territory!"

"Well," Phoney snapped his fingers, "get us back!"

Fone Bone took the map back to continue looking. "I can't! We're lost!"

Smiley popped his head in. "To boldly go where no Bone has gone before!" he loudly announced.

Flinching, Phoney glared up at him over his shoulder. "Stick a sock in it, cabbage head!"

After Smiley had already backed away, Phoney turned back to Fone bone. "Don't get me wrong, Fone Bone," he said gruffly, "I'm grateful you were able to get me outta town, but tell me…" He thumbed over his shoulder at Smiley, who was sitting in the pile of the supplies and pulling out the canteens for water, "…why did you hafta go an' bring him with us?"

Fone Bone didn't even look up from the map. "To torture you."

Eyes widening, Phoney pointed at him accusingly. "I KNEW IT!"

"Hey Phoney! Bad news..." Smiley tipped their last canteen over and gave it a shake. One drop. "We're out of water!"

"THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!" hollered Phoney, whipping around.

"Don't get mad at Smiley Bone!" snapped Fone Bone, finally lowering his map to glare at Phoney's back. "This mess isn't his fault!" He gave the older Bone cousin's back a jab with his finger.

"That's right!" agreed Smiley. "Th' townspeople aren't mad at us! They ran you outta town 'cause you're a selfish, little greed bag!"

At first Phoney said nothing…then he collapsed, his eyes widened with panic. "I can't believe it!" he rasped. "Not only am am I broke––" He grabbed his neck as if he were choking, "––Now I'm gonna DIE broke!"

He started coughing and gasping, while Fone Bone just watched with a look of annoyance. "Oh, stop it!" he said. "You're not gonna die! I just hope you learned your lesson!"

"WATER!" Phoney just continued as if he didn't hear. Dizzying swirls seem to appear in his eyes as he began to sway. "I need water! I can feel my tongue cracking!"

His tongue lolled in emphasis, and Fone Bone rolled his eyes with a sigh.

Ever melodramatic was Phoncible P. Bone, his flesh and blood…!

"Hey, cousins, look what I found!" Smiley rushed over in excitement, gripping something in his hand. It looked like a dried up piece of parchment. "I think it's a map!"

"?!"

Interested, Fone Bone and Phoney both perked up as Smiley, after a quick scan of the supposed-map, looked up with his usual grin as the smaller Bones gathered around. "Sure enough! Look!" He pointed over their heads at the row of red-jagged pointed up ahead. "It's a map of that mountain range!"

"I'm saved!" Phoney beamed, and made a grab for the map. "Give it to me!"

"Ah-ah!" Smiley held the map out of reach. "Gimme a dollar first."

Phoney blinked. "What?"

"Go on, Phoney!" Fone Bone encouraged. "Give him a dollar!" Phoney whipped his head at hime in outrage.

"WHAT?!"

"We're lost int the middle of th' desert!" the younger Bone exclaimed exasperatedly. "Give him a dollar!"

"Grrrrrr!" Phoney growled, whisked out a hidden dollar, and slapped it in Smiley's extended hand while grabbing the map in a single exchange. "Alright, alright…Gimme that––HEY!" With one full look at the map, his face contorted in angered disbelief. "What the––What is this?" The doodles on the map were barely comprehensible, other than the triangular shapes that did seem to resemble mountains. "This looks like it was a drawn by a five year old! This thing is worthless!"

"It's worth a dollar!" Smiley stretched out his brand new buck.

"Why YOU––!" Phoney lunged at Smiley , but was abruptly stopped by Fone Bone. "Let me GO!"

"Calm down––"

"I'm gonna KILL HIM!"

"––we gotta keep it together––!" Fone Bone grunted, grabbing hold of Phoney's nose as he held on to his struggling cousin. He was afraid that they would reach this point, to when Phoney finally snapped.

Actually, Phoney had snapped at least ten times since they were run out of Boneville...but now, without food or water or a properly coordinated map that would actually help them, they might end up killing one another: Phoney starting with Smiley, then Fone Bone on Phoney, and then finally the heat and dehydration on Fone Bone!

(Guess it was true when folks brag about banishment being worse than death, Fone Bone thought. Least of all when you're banished with someone like Phone Bone!)

"Hey, cousins! Heads up!" Smiley was standing near the edge of the cliff to look over the view. "We got company!"

Phoney stopped, his anger switching to panicked terror. "OMIGOSH! It's the townspeople! Quick! Hide me!"

"Sh-sh, wait a minute!" Fone Bone placed a hand up to listen. "You hear that?"

ZZZzzzzZZZZZzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZ…The thrumming buzz gradually pierced the heavy silence of the desert, beginning to crawl like cold tingles along the smaller Bone cousins' skin. It seemed to be coming from over the cliff where Smiley was standing…and it did not sound like an angry mob.

With growing dread, the smaller Bone cousins exchanged a nervous glance, before rushing over to the taller Bone. "Smiley! What's that noise?" asked Fone Bone.

"Is it th' townspeople?" demanded Phoney.

"Nope!" said Smiley cheerfully. "No people…"

When Fone Bone and Phoney reached Smiley's side at the cliff to see what he was looking at, their faces dropped in horror. The buzzing increased in volume. At first it looked like a dark cloud filling up a chasm, but the way they moved together, dissolving, shifting…expanding…they were alive!

Smiley, however, just puffed out his chest proudly as if he made an awesome discovery. "Just a bunch of locusts! Pretty neat, huh?"

There had to thousands, no, millions of locusts gathered together, their noise alone sending echoes across the plateaus of the desert valley, weighing heavily over the Bones' nerves like a literal gravitational force threatening to pull them under. Neither Bone had ever seen more than two grasshoppers put together their whole lives, let alone enough to form an entire mountain!

The sun started to vanish, a shadow starting to pass over them––their heads slowly started moving up. Even Smiley's grin started to waver.

…zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZ…..

"Uh….is it just me…" stammered Fone Bone with wide eyes, "…or are they coming right at us?"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Their buzzing now fully in volume, the cloud of locust were towering above them, their formations moving in wavelengths as a few scattered grasshopper flew ahead and started diving toward the three cousins. Follow by the rest!

"WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Fone Bone and Phoney were already charging in the other direction as the mass swarm of insects rose in a massive wave above the cliffs and began plummeting down over them. Smiley was still staring with that curious toothy grin, not seeming to be aware of the danger they were in.

"SMILEY!" Fone Bone screamed, while Phoney shouted, "RUN!"

"Hey, guys, wait for me––" As Smiley began to run after them, the tall Bone and goofy grin was almost immediately consumed by the swarm of locusts.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Phoney and Fone Bone screamed in terror, at Smiley's disappearance and at how swiftly the locusts were closing in on them within seconds. They had no choice but to keep running and could only hope that Smiley somehow had enough sense to make it out unharmed.

"SMILEY!" shrieked Fone Bone, glancing over his shoulder.

"What're you doing?!" Phoney gave him a push to turn back around and run faster. "Don't look back! Keep running, Fone––WAAAAAAAGH!"

Fone Bone leapt over a rock, as they began running down hill. "Phoney!" Still not looking back like Phoney told him, he heard his cousin's shriek and became worried. "Are you okay?" The buzzing grew unbearably loud. He started to feel the tickling and prickling sensation of locusts' wings battling around his face. Freaking out, Fone Bone started waving is arms and tried swatting them away with the rolled up map still in his hand.

"Whatever you do," he heard Phoney's voice cry out through the thunderous roar of buzzing, "don't stick out your tongue––PITT! POO! BLECK!"

"WAAAAAGH!" screamed Fone Bone, shutting his eyes as he felt the dark swarm of insects enclosed around him.

It was a living nightmare. The insects were everywhere! Nothing but buzzing noise, crawling legs, fluttered wings, scattering across his face, his ears, his nose, his mouth––

"BLEH! PTT! PTT! PUH!" Spitting out a few stray locust that he managed to catch his mouth while scream, Fone Bone coughed, choked, and spat in disgust as he continued running blind, desparately trying to find an opening. He tried to call out to Phoney and Smiley, but every time he opened his mouth, a locust or two managed to cut his off.

He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating! Fone Bone panicked even more, if that was possible. He needed to get out! He hadn't felt this trapped and claustrophobic since he was a kid, struggling on streets with Phoney and Smiley, during a traumatic situation. Anywhere, anytime, he prayed to all that was considered holy for him to just GET OUT––

Suddenly the ground disappeared beneath his feet. Fone Bone's eyes popped open. He was no longer surrounded by locust…and instead faced a plummeting fall of a cliff!

"Oh," was all he said, before he plummeted. The map slipped out of his hand.

Down he fell, spinning...

This is it.

.

.

.

…wheeling between the zooming ground and shrinking locusts…

This is how I die, I guess.

.

.

.barely missed a sharp cliff piled with rocks––

Alone, just like what Phoney warned me about. Never thought it'd be death by locusts––

PLOOF!

Head spinning, body stunned from the impact. Beside the fading sound of the thrumming locusts above, a whoosh of wind was the only present sound.

Moments later, Fone Bone's head shot up.

I'm alive?!

He looked left. He looked right. He looked up….and then he looked down. An angel-shaped crater formed around him in a pile of soft desert sand, clearly the reason his life was saved.

Dizzy with relief, Fone Bone then stumbled to his feet, almost falling flat on his face from the rush. His backpack was still strapped on, the only bit of luggage he didn't leave behind in the chase. Fone Bone shook his head in wonder, wincing as he rubbed his bum. His body was still aching from the landing, and will probably be extremely sore and bruised in the morning, but otherwise had no serious injuries. He really did get lucky!

"Hoooooh, I can't believe I'm still alive!" he gasped breathlessly, jogging to get a wide view of the cliff he felt from.

"PHONEY! SMILEY!" shouted Fone Bone, his voice bouncing up the plateau cliffs towering above him. Wow, was that how far he had fallen? That was a long way up! "GO BACK! DON'T COME THIS WAY! IT'S A CLIFF!" There was a no reply. Feeling uneasy, Fone Bone looked around, hunching his shoulders, suddenly aware how intimidating the channel walls surrounding him were.

"Maybe they're already down here," he muttered to himself, before raising his voice, "PHONEY BONE! SMILEY? HEY! HEY, GUYS!" he was now shrieking as loud as he could, echoing across the canyon walls until it hurt his own ears. It would put even Phoney Bone's voice-box to shame. "I'M DOWN THIS GULLEY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!"

"…Can you hear me…can you hear me?…can you hear me?…" It was probably a whole minute before the echoes of his voice faded away, and still there was no reply. If either Phoney and Smiley were here, they definitely would have heard it, and would have made sure without much effort that Fone Bone heard them.

.

In the shadows of a nearby cave, a pair of ancient eyes slowly opened, interrupted from his long slumber.

To his right, standing outside the mouth of his cave, a small white creature with a nasally voice was shouting at the top of his lungs, before looking around. Looking lost. And scared.

But not scared enough.

Curious.

"PHONEY––Say!" The bald, white creature paused when he spotted something lying on the dusty ground in front of a pitch-black cave. An old piece of parchment with the doodled lines…"There's that map! Huh…" He went to pick it up. Behind him, the pair of eyes watched him as he wiped dust off the map.

"I wonder if this really is a map of that mountain range," the little white creature muttered to himself, completely unaware that he was being watched from behind. "Maybe I better hang on to it!" He started rolling it up. "I might need it to Phoney Bone…" The creature scowled as he shoved the map into his bag, "…again!"

The little creature promptly swung his bag back on. "Hmmf!" he grunted, looking more determined and annoyed at the same time. "I'm always gettin' him outta trouble!"

The eyes watched the Bone stomp away, grumbling to himself. What a funny little fellow!

Then the keeper of the cave, for the first time in a long while, began to pull to his feet and follow.