A matter of who

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Pairings: Charlie/Larry friendship.

Warnings: rejection sensitivity disorder, panick attacks, anxiety, perceived abandonment.

Summary: Charlie is anxious that Larry is leaving their friendship behind. Larry is confused when his attempts at comfort backfire. Misunderstandings are cleared up. Larry explains why he needs to go on his vision quest and leave everything behind.

Tags: ADHD!Charlie. Autistic!Charlie. Neurodiverse!Charlie. Nuerodiverse!Larry. Autistic!Larry. Supportive!Larry. Actually Autistic author. Actually ADHD author. Panic attacks. Anxiety. Abandoment.

AN: Episode Tag S6 E3: 7 men out. I just so frustrated watching Charlie and Larry just do about anything but god damn talk about it. So here they are, talking about it. Call it a fix it or a missing scene or whatever you want.

I am also writing this because Larrys particular problem he is having has seemed obvious to me since he returned home from space. I don't understand why the other characters don't understand. So maybe I can write a fic explaining?

Start

Charlie had invited Larry over for dinner, and he had looked so anxious that Larry had accepted. He knew that the indecision he was facing was effecting his friend too. It didn't help that Larry could not lie to attempt to console his friend. He could not make promises, for he did not know what future held. He could not assure his friend that everything was okay, when he did not know himself. Despite the bait the younger man offered, there could be no answer that would be helpful.

So he tried to at least spend time with Charlie, at least his presence could soothe some anxiety. Though he appeared to have guessed wrong on that assumption. The fact that he was spending time with his friend, when he had made apparent that he was going to leave anyway, was only making things worse. He didn't know why either. Shouldn't Charlie be making the best of what time they had left? Why did his presence only cause more concern?

Charlie tried to ignore the anxiety that had been building up since he had found out that Larry had quit both his job as a professor and given up his work. Larry had even passed on his work to him.

Would his friend and mentor really leave? Just like that? No warning? Why? The question brought only sadness. His friend had dreams...hadn't they been his dreams? What had changed? What had happened? Charlie suddenly found himself not hungry. Instead he mashed his food and pushed it around, staring angrily at the plate. He sighed, he wasn't really angry. It was all just so unfair!

He vaguely remembered saying something, before taking his plate and taking it to the kitchen. He hated how the tears already threatened to spill. So he quickly dealt with the plate and went to seek his solitude in the garage with his boards. He just didn't understand.

Larry watched his friend leave, feeling guilty. Had he caused this? He was sure he had.

Don frowned, looking concerned. "I'll talk to him." he assured.

"I think I should do that. He hasn't been right since I told him I was leaving the university." Larry replied.

He ignored the stares that followed that statement. So Charlie hadn't told them. He left the table and followed the young genius into his usual place. He found his friend, curled up on the lounge in the garage, sobbing quietly. Charlie hadn't even looked up, ignoring Larry. Still angry then. "Hey Charles." he said gently.

Charlie must have heard him. Yet his words had the opposite reaction. Charlie only curled up tighter and shut his eyes, like it would make what he saw vanish like a magicians trick. His tears came thick and fast, his breathing much quicker now. Panic attack.

Larry felt a hurt confusion. He had always been welcome when Charlie was upset, now he seemed to have brought it on instead. Still, he couldn't just stand by and do nothing. "Look here, Charles. You may be upset with me but that doesn't mean I can just let you suffer. So I'm going to help, and your going have to put up with it for the moment. Okay?" he spoke. He easily pulled the younger against him, rubbing his back. "It will all be okay. We can work this out." he soothed. When Charlie finally stopped resisting and calmed it was a relief.

Even completely wiped out, Charlie still had some fight. "Why don't you just go!" he yelled, angry tears on his face.

Larry softened, even if the words had hurt he knew Charlie didn't mean them. "I can't. Even if I can't stay." he explained.

"Then why pretend! Why lie! If you care, why make me feel like this!" he had replied, with the same anger. Then the anger seemed to vanish. "I don't understand. I just don't understand." he confessed in a small broken voice.

Larry didn't know what to say. He hadn't meant to make it appear that way. "I don't understand either. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I would never hurt you on purpose. You know I care deeply for you. I thought I was helping by keeping you company. It seems I was wrong. I'm sorry." he admitted.

At this Charlie paused, "I'm sorry too. I don't really think all that. I guess I was just confused and angry." he finally replied.

"Its okay. Lets try to clear this up, okay?" Larry offered.

Charlie nodded.

"It just doesn't feel like its enough for me anymore...like its not who I want to be. I don't know what changed exactly...it was enough for me before. It was all I ever dreamt of as a child, well what my parents hoped for anyway. It wasn't like I was unhappy. Still, what else is there for me?" he mused.

"You want a fresh start?" guessed Charlie.

Larry smiled to himself. "Yeah, that sounds right. I just don't know where I am supposed to be. Its not like anyone is around to tell me." he continued.

"What do you want?" Charlie asked.

Larry shrugged. "I don't know. I've never considered any other future. I'm not sure I want to move on without a plan...or at least an idea."he answered, thinking.

"I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't teaching, doing maths and helping the FBI. Its all my parents ever wanted. My 'destiny'. The FBI thing was a change, but it made sense." Charlie related.

"How did you know helping the FBI was the right thing?" Larry asked, curious.

"Because I was helping people. I know I am a person who likes to help people." Charlie explained easily.

"A matter of who, not what...you may have a point. My past self isn't the same as who I want to be now. Maybe my future self may hold the answer. Who do I want to be?" Larry mused.

"We will still be friends, right? Even if you move so far away we can't see each other?" Charlie asked, it came out painfully childish.

"If I cannot see you, I can call or write. I'd never give up our friendship. Thats not who I want to be." Larry assured.

Charlie relaxed at that. That made Larry feel uncomfortable. "Did you really think I would abandon you? That I could?" Larry pressed, feeling guilty now.

"You never said you wouldn't! You didn't tell me anything, actually. You just quit! You just gave up your research grant! You just passed on your work to me. What was I meant to think?! That you had room for me in this new life? All I knew was that you were leaving! Leaving CalSci. Leaving me. Leaving your work." Charlie replied, frustrated.

"You have a point. I guess I should have made that clear. I can see how you might have felt the way you did. I made a mess of this, didn't I?" Larry conceded. "Are we okay now?" he asked anxiously.

Charlie nodded tiredly. He was exhausted now that his emotions had passed, the past few weeks had been very uncomfortably anxious. It certainly had made him tired! He could barely keep his eyes open. Larry smiled at, the now sleeping, Charles in his arms.

He heard foot steps and turned to see Don. "Is he okay?" Don asked, keeping his voice low.

Larry nodded, smiling softly at his friend. "We had a misunderstanding. Its all solved now." he answered.