The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been burned to the ground. The gang must have made at least one detour on their trip back to New York. Well here's my version of what happened.

Burning Morons

"I can't believe we're finally going back to New York," Lana sighed as she sat in Cheryl's private jet. AJ was asleep in a car seat next to her.

"I know," Cheryl said as she sipped champagne. "It seems like four or five seasons ago since we've been there."

"Still think we're a TV show, don't you?" Cyril sighed.

"Big talk from a supporting character!" Cheryl snapped.

"Hey y'all," Ray's called out from the cockpit where he was flying. "We're going to be landing soon in Nevada so get ready to stretch your legs."

"Why are we stopping in Nevada?" Cyril snapped. "That's basically a sandbox right next door to California!"

"Because I told him too," Cheryl said. "Duh!"

"Why did you tell him to?" Cyril asked.

"Because there's something I want to do!" Cheryl grinned.

"Well I want to get to New York!" Cyril snapped.

"You can do that after we do what I want to do!" Cheryl told him.

"It's her plane Cyril," Lana sighed. "Unless you have a better idea we might as well make the best of it."

"You're just accepting this?" Cyril asked.

"Honestly after all these years…" Lana admitted. "I'm used to things being delayed."

"Yeah Cyril," Pam was drinking champagne. "Go with the flow! We've waited this long to go back. A day or two won't hurt."

"That's what the Donner Party said when they stopped at that pass," Cyril groaned.

Less than an hour later the gang was at what appeared to be a very bizarre collection of tents, art exhibits and a tall wooden figure being built in the desert. "What's going on?" Ray asked. "Is this a movie set for some kind of post-apocalyptic movie?"

"I was going to guess that too," Cyril looked around at some of the strange outfits of the people around them.

"Welcome to Burning Woman!" Cheryl cheered.

"You mean like Burning Man?" Lana asked.

"Burning Woman," Cheryl pointed out. "It's a celebration of the female deity within all of us."

"It's comparable," Pam shrugged. "The point is, it's one last blowout party before we return to New York. And it's another set of pictures I can send to my family so they can be jealous. Especially my sister."

"I even got us our own yurt!" Cheryl pointed to a huge yurt nearby.

They went inside and it was full of comfortable furniture and tastefully decorated objects. "Who decorated it?" Lana asked. "Martha Stewart?"

"It's from her Glamping with Style line," Cheryl nodded.

"Don't these things last a week?" Ray asked.

"Yeah but I only booked the last day and a half," Cheryl said. "That's when the crowds are better. You know? All the lightweights and wanna bees are passed out."

"I don't know," Lana sighed as she held AJ. "How am I going to explain this to a school board if they ask?"

"Why would they ask?" Ray asked.

"They just do Ray!" Lana snapped.

"Yeah private schools are extremely nosy like that," Cheryl realized. "I remember they always used to ask questions about me and my brother when we went to private school. What are their hobbies? Do they speak any other languages? Is your daughter on any anti-psychotic medication? Why isn't she on any? She's burned how many gazebos?"

"Like it was their business who they let into their school," Ray quipped.

"I know, right?" Cheryl scoffed. "Like they weren't going to turn a blind eye the minute my father wrote the check."

"Tell them you took your child to experience a cultural event celebrating diversity and multiculturalism," Pam told her.

"And fire!" Cheryl cheered.

"You might want to leave out the fire part," Pam added.

"I was planning to," Lana told her. "But the multicultural thing is a good angle."

"Yeah," Pam said. "Just take a few pictures of AJ doing crafts with you or whatever and bam! Those school boards will eat it up."

"This is ridiculous," Cyril groaned. "You want us to spend two days hanging around the desert drinking and partying with a bunch of half-naked people…"

Just then two beautiful women wearing only skimpy leather bikinis walked by. Cyril did a double take. "Why am I complaining about this?"

"Beats the hell out of me," Ray said. "I'm in!"

"Me too!" Krieger had already shed most of his clothing except for his lab coat and underwear. "Ooh! What's that?" He ran outside.

"This is going to be one of those weekends isn't it?" Lana sighed.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "Might as well enjoy it!"

"Sure, a fun weekend full of near nudity," Cyril quipped.

"Yeah," Lana remarked. "Good thing AJ is used to it."

"Just keep her away from the Magic Pancake booth over there," Ray pointed.

"Noted," Lana nodded. "Okay I guess it's festival time."

"Yay!" Cheryl cheered. "Picture montage time!"

"You got it!" Pam took out her phone.

And of course, Pam took pictures of the whole thing.

There was a picture of Pam and Cheryl in their bras and underwear taking a selfie in front of a weird statue.

A shot of Lana and AJ in a drum circle with several other parents. Fully clothed of course.

Ray, Krieger and Cyril in a drum circle of their own with several people in various states of undress.

Krieger riding a strange five wheeled contraption.

Lana and AJ standing in front of a different art sculpture.

Cheryl happily watching fire dancers.

Pam, Ray and Cyril riding some glowing LED bicycles with sparklers coming behind them.

Cheryl joining in with the fire dancers.

Krieger posing with a giant robot figure and some other people.

Cheryl setting some art on fire while the crowd cheered her on.

Krieger riding the back of a giant robot while another man rode the back of another giant robot.

Krieger and the other man posing for pictures while the giant robots burned behind them.

Ray dancing with some shirtless good-looking men while wearing a cape that looked like butterfly wings.

Cyril and Pam dancing with several scantily clad women.

Lana and AJ doing a craft project together in a tent.

The gang sitting at a picnic table eating together.

Pam and Cheryl taking a selfie while drinking something exotic looking.

Pam and Cheryl having another drink while taking a selfie.

And yet another selfie by Pam and Cheryl having a drink.

Krieger riding a UFO style car.

Cheryl, Pam, Ray, Cyril and Krieger having some weird looking drinks.

The whole gang including Lana and AJ inside the yurt.

Lana and AJ petting some alpacas at a mini petting zoo.

Cyril being chased by some alpacas.

Krieger being chased by some angry sheep from the petting zoo.

The sheep running the other way from Pam who was carrying a knife and fork.

Pam standing next to a giant roasted lamb barbecue.

Lana dancing with AJ with some other parents and toddlers.

Cheryl and Pam in front of some more art.

Cyril posing in front of some other art.

Cheryl and Pam dancing with some cute guys.

Cheryl setting off a cannon. (Don't ask me where they got the cannon.)

Soon it was nighttime and the gang was taking in all the sights. Gorgeous LED and multicolored lights and giant puppets were everywhere. "I feel like I'm at the world's biggest, weirdest, sandiest rave," Ray remarked.

"I'll say," Pam nodded. "I got sand in places I didn't think I could get."

"I have to admit this is beautiful," Lana remarked as she held AJ. "Look at all the lights."

"Lights!" AJ cheered.

"It's almost time!" Cheryl cheered. "They're going to set the giant woman on fire! I love this part!"

"I figured that," Ray said wryly.

"Hang on," Lana realized something. "That face looks familiar. It looks like…Oh my God!"

"You didn't!" Ray looked at Cheryl.

"I did," Cheryl grinned. "I had them use Ms. Archer's face!"

"I thought it was Phyllis Schlafly?" Krieger asked.

"Look closer," Pam pointed. "At the scowl."

"Oh right," Krieger nodded. "I see it now."

"We can never show Mallory this," Lana groaned. "PAM!"

"Just taking a few pictures," Pam said as she took some. "Wow the night lens on this thing is bitchin'!"

"The colors man…" Cyril's eyes were glazed. "Look at the colors."

"They're beautiful," Ray's eyes were glazed too.

"You guys had some Magic Pancakes, didn't you?" Lana sighed.

"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded. "Anybody want to dance naked in front of the fire?"

"I do!" Cheryl squealed as she started to remove her clothing.

"Me too!" Pam giggled.

"I volunteer," Ray giggled.

"Why not?" Cyril shrugged. "Everyone else is doing it!"

"And now AJ it's time for you to go to bed," Lana quickly picked up her daughter and left as her friends started to strip. "And Mommy is going to join you."

Let's fast forward to tomorrow morning, shall we?

"Good morning," Lana said as she saw her half-dressed friends stumble into the yurt. She was eating cereal with AJ at a small wood table. "Did you have fun last night?"

"I can barely remember last night," Cyril admitted. "And that's not a bad thing."

"Even the voices in my head have hangovers," Cheryl groaned. "They're not happy."

"AJ if you're done with your cereal why don't you go wash your hands in the bathroom?" Lana suggested.

"Kay!" AJ went to another part of the yurt that was closed off.

"This yurt has a bathroom?" Ray did a double take. "Damn, Martha Stewart thinks of everything!"

"So, I've been peeing outside for nothing?" Krieger asked.

"Apparently," Lana remarked. "Again, I ask if you had fun?"

"Let's just say things got a little weird after the fire dance," Pam groaned. "And a bit freaky."

"Boy those Magic Pancakes had a kick," Ray groaned. "Everybody's talking about how potent those things were."

"That and the Phyllis Schlafly burning," Krieger added.

"I knew they should have made that scowl more obvious," Cheryl grumbled.

"How did this become my life?" Cyril asked. "A few days ago, I had a growing business. Now I'm a drugged-up hippie in the desert. How did this happen?"

"I just took my child to Burning Woman," Lana gave Cyril a look. "And she loved it. You really want to compare sob stories with me right now?"

"I do not," Cyril admitted.

"Hey!" Pam snapped. "Whatever happens in the Tent of No Regrets, stays in the Tent of No Regrets!"

"What if you regret going into the Tent of No Regrets?" Cyril asked.

"I regret going on this trip," Lana groaned. "Thank God Mallory doesn't know about this."

Meanwhile at a certain hospital in California.

"Typical," Mallory groaned as she looked at her phone. "I send those idiots to set up shop in New York and they make a pit stop to some kind of rave in the desert!"

Mallory looked at Archer. "You realize this is your fault, right? If it wasn't for you I'd be supervising them. Or at the very least having some drinks. Or some Magic Pancakes. It's been years since I've had a stack of those."

Mallory looked again at the phone. "Why the hell did Pam send me a picture of a burning effigy of Phyllis Schlafly?"