34 Years

By Cordelia50

How odd life can be, she reflected. She couldn't foresee the conversation she'd had this morning...

Marlena tried to stifle her yawn. She'd been holding vigil at John's hospital bedside for more hours than she remembered. She'd slept there during the night - pretty fitfully. This morning, she had finally slipped out to freshen up and get a cup of coffee and, although she wasn't hungry, something to eat.

She was startled when she turned around and nearly ran into one of the hospital volunteers, Jane Wilson. Apologizing and smiling at the eightyish woman usually found behind the gift shop register, Marlena pivoted away. She wanted to get back to John, and didn't want to chit chat. But Mrs. Wilson laid a hand on her arm. "Dr. Evans," she said sweetly, "There's someone in the waiting room who'd like to talk with you."

Biting her lip to keep from expressing her impatience, Marlena thanked Jane and changed direction, heading for the darkly-painted room that she personally thought a pretty hideous place for family members to wait to hear news of their loved ones.

Thinking she would see Belle or one of her other children there, Marlena stopped short when Victor looked up at her expectantly from his wheelchair. "Good morning, Marlena," he said in his unique, gravelly-yet-smooth voice.

Hello, Victor." Marlena shot him a look. Past experience told her it wasn't generally a good thing if Victor came in search of you.

He indicated a chair to her and she took it, "What's going on, Victor? Is something wrong with Brady?"

"No, no." He paused. "Not that I know of, anyway."

"Then what brings you here? Is Maggie with you?"

He shook his head. "No, I got my driver to bring me here. I do want to go in and see John if you don't mind."

"Of course. Come on, I'll take you there." She started to rise, but Victor waved her down again.

He said, "I talked with Kayla a little while ago in front of John's room, and she said that you were in with him, so I didn't want to disturb you."

"Oh, you should have come in. He's in an induced coma to help his brain heal, but I think it might be good for him to have plenty of visitors who'll talk to him and keep his unconscious and subconscious on track to get well." Marlena smiled wanly at Victor as she said this.

Always one with a wry attitude, Victor looked at the floor and said, "Well, I'm not sure he'd be all that happy that I was one of those visitors…"

Marlena was about to argue, but Victor held up a hand, "John and I, we have a pretty contentious relationship. If we didn't have Brady in common, we'd probably never cross each other's paths."

"Well, you're both stubborn as can be, and you sure do butt heads sometimes, but John knows you love Brady, and he's truly grateful for that. It's good for Brady to have a grandfather."

Nodding, Victor said pensively, "Brady has made it easier to live all these years after the loss of Isabella."

"I know, Victor," Marlena softly responded. She lightly touched his hand. "And you know, John loved Isabella very much. He did everything in his power to help her when she was ill. And he was right there with her when she passed."

Victor nodded again, very slowly. "I do know that. I've always been very thankful for that." He looked at Marlena more intently. "But I wanted to speak to you about something else."

"Oh, Victor, honestly, I'm not in the proper frame of mind for talking - whatever the subject - right now. I just want to go back to John."

Ignoring her protest, Victor said, "I've been thinking about you a lot since I heard about John."

"You have?" That did surprise Marlena. She didn't usually give Victor much thought, and had no expectations that he would be any different.

"Yes," he said firmly. "I remember very fondly how kind you were to me a while back when Brady received Daniel's heart and also later when Brady nearly rejected the heart. In fact, I still remember the prayer you said with me in the chapel."

Marlena smiled at him. "What hard times those were. I was so glad to have those quiet moments with you. It made me feel closer to Brady, and Daniel, and," she said gently, "Eric."

Victor nodded in understanding, but she continued, "And it made me feel close to you."

"Same here," Victor said, his voice a bit thicker. "So, now, you're here again, not at one of your children's sides, but at your husband's."

"Yes," she acknowledged sadly. "It hasn't just been a few times that I've done this - just as John has done for me too often."

Victor looked at her searchingly and commiserated. "The two of you have had far too many trials."

She sighed. "It seems to be the path we must travel." She looked at her clenched hands and willed herself to loosen them up. "But, I will admit, Victor, I feel the toll more now. And yet, since we're getting older, I have to realize that cheating death - as we have so many times - is not going to be possible indefinitely. At some point one of us will precede the other in death with no reprieve." Her voice hitched as she spoke the last sentence.

Now Victor reached his old hand and held one of hers gently. "My dear, as a man who has about two decades on you, I know that feeling. When one is younger, it is easier to feel invincible. Being alive, living life... those are our priorities. We even think we are entitled to life. If we have a life threatening accident or illness - or if someone tries to take our life - we are rightfully indignant, aren't we?

"But in later years, we start to be aware of our mortality more acutely. Now, when you were shot - forgive me - a couple years ago at your wedding, and also when you were poisoned by that crazy Diana, there was still a feeling of universal injustice. But," he paused, "this is different, isn't it? This isn't someone unjustly attacking John and shooting him or hitting him over the head. This is a medical problem making itself known in a man who's now in his sixties. It reminds you - and me and anyone who thinks about it - that none of us is invincible."

Marlena felt herself start trembling, and she did her best to control that. She also tried to keep her voice even when she replied, "I guess I don't really want to think about it. When I'm sitting with John alone, if I'm awake, I occupy myself with thoughts of good times in our past or I muse about things we still want to do - for instance, I haven't yet turned in my certificate he gave me on a recent anniversary. That certificate says I can choose anywhere in the world, and we'll go there together on vacation."

Victor nodded approvingly, but he knew she wasn't finished.

"We keep finding reasons why we can't go. This, or that, or the other thing. And, now, we can't go because he's had brain surgery."

"You can go when he's recovered, Marlena. Then no more excuses. Just go!"

She swallowed and looked at Victor, her eyes stinging with the beginning of tears she did not want to shed. "I just pray he does recover." She blew out air and continued plaintively, "Thirty-four years I've known John - well, you know that. Thirty-four years. And when I think of the many things that kept us apart for some of those years, I want to wail and keen and throw things. I want to rail at fate. I want to scream at myself in frustration for all the mistakes I made that caused some of those separations. So many occasions when I blew it, and we lost so much precious time."

"Marlena, none of us makes the most of our time here on earth. We all make grievous errors. You did the best you could. Let's face it, woman, you and John haven't exactly had 'regular' lives. The obstacles you faced were gargantuan and sometimes absurd to the max. But you both kept overcoming them and found each other again. That's pretty damn amazing. Time and time again, you and John saved each other."

Marlena chuffed and said almost sarcastically, "Yeah. What a pair we are. I've had seismic problems with amnesia and possession, and John's got me beat in the amnesia department - who knows if some characteristics of Stefano's Pawn will surface again in him. Even now, I worry that when he does wake up this time, he might not remember me again."

She knew she was working herself up, and she needed to stop. As she took a deep breath, Victor said, "Marlena, I don't have to tell you that John is a man who doesn't give up. He will fight his way back to you every time - even when he's the one who has put space between you."

Victor cleared his throat. "We men can be cussedly stupid. I sure have been multiple times in my life. I know John has mentally pummeled himself for making impetuous decisions that pulled him away from you for a while. But as you know better than anyone, Marlena, for John, the world really only makes sense because of you. Now, he's in a different kind of fight, but he'll do everything he can to come back to you, to heal, to be healthy again."

"I know he will, Victor. But, I'm afraid. Because maybe it won't be enough. Maybe the John I know - the brave, strong man I love - is done in this life. Maybe the rest of the time we're together, he'll be impaired. Or, maybe, God forbid, he won't ever come out of the coma."

"Now hold on. Stop. There's no point in thinking the worst. And that doesn't sound like you!" Victor admonished her. "You're the one who told me to have faith that Brady would make it, right? Well. Take your own advice and believe that John will recover. That the two of you will take that vacation he promised you."

"Thanks, Victor. I know you're right. And I do have faith. I have faith in God, I have faith in John. But..."

"But what?"

But...the age thing has really hit me. Seeing John lying on the floor unconscious when I came home that day. Not sure what had happened. I thought maybe a heart attack at first. But when Sami said he'd clutched his head before falling, I began to suspect an aneurysm, and that nearly froze me with fear. I thought he might die before we even got him to the hospital.

"But it wasn't just the fear of the possible diagnosis. Thirty-four years ago, I met this tall, energetic, mysterious young man. Full of life. Funny and sweet one minute. Passionately driven the next. Oddly reserved and hidden another. The first time we shook hands I felt an energy pass between us. I've never felt that with any other man. And every time we touch, it's still there.

"Now, though, time has definitely taken its toll. I hadn't really noticed it too much for the longest time. Even when he finally showed the world the natural gray his hair had turned, my eyes and my mind really didn't tune into the significance of age.

"But when I saw him on the floor, it did hit me. The man I love is not that young man of 1986. He's not the man of the '90's, or the one he was before he was downed so cruelly by the hit-and-run driver in 2007. He's not even the same one who battled back from complete paralysis below the neck and returned with me to Salem in 2011.

"You know, Victor. Until pretty recently, John typically looked younger than I did. And that's because - without giving away my birthday or age - he is, as far as we can tell, a little younger. But now, even before the aneurysm - and not just because of the gray hair - he frankly looks a little older. The last time I saw both of us in the mirror together, I felt a little pang of sadness."

Victor reluctantly agreed. "Well, Marlena, maybe that's not so shocking. After all, he has had a lot of injuries since he's been in this town. Maybe he had a lot more before he came to Salem. And you mentioned the hit-and-run. That really was 'mortal.' And what happened to him after we thought he was dead was also terrible. It's not unreasonable to conclude that even though John has a tremendous ability to heal and to build up his body after being injured, there is a limit. And even if he hadn't sustained so many injuries, still, it is natural for all of us to have to deal with what time does to us. Also, he has sustained a number of very serious head injuries - like when Theresa smashed him with a fireplace poker. Those can't have been good for his brain."

"I know," she nodded, acquiescing. "And don't misunderstand, please. I'm not a silly, vapid woman who refuses to see the reality of time passing -"

"Didn't think you were," Victor interrupted.

"Yeah, I'm not Norma Desmond," she cracked a little brittley.

"Definitely not," he agreed, giving her an encouraging smile.

"I mean, dammit, Victor. It's just that I guess I haven't really come to terms with the fact that that time, some of which we wasted, is gone for good. And even if John fully recovers from this, he's a man in his sixties...who sometimes looks..." she felt a stab of guilt for saying this, "...older.

"It sounds stupid, I know." She ignored Victor shaking his head, silently saying it wasn't stupid. "For most of the last three-and-a-half decades, John could pick me up in his arms as effortlessly as if I weighed nothing." She laughed. "There were one or two occasions when I would rue that ability, but normally, I was thrilled.

"But that's something he hasn't tried in a while and if he did try, I would object for his back's sake and his knees too."

Victor considered. "Marlena, John is still a very active man. It wasn't that long ago that he was still an ISA agent. And now, he conducts private investigations with Steve Johnson. He still runs. He seems like he's in pretty damn good shape. Well, you know what I mean...before this."

"Yes, I know. He is. He is. I don't want to give anyone the impression that he isn't. Still there are signs - were signs even before the aneurysm. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't see him every day like I do."

"He does whisper a lot. He didn't used to do that."

"Yes. And sometimes his movements, his posture. Also, he seems shorter now. Anyway…"

"I understand. You're mourning the loss of youth and even middle age. This crisis for John has intensified that mourning. If he weren't laid up in the hospital now, this feeling would probably have been postponed to a later date. But it would have come to you at some point."

"How do you know?"

"Because, Marlena, it comes to pretty much everyone who reaches advanced age. It expresses itself differently in each person, but it's a part of getting older.

"Sometimes people focus on themselves. Sometimes, they focus on their spouse. It's natural." Victor gave her a sharp but kidding glare. "Didn't they teach you that in psychiatry?"

She mock-glared back. "Yes, they did. But it's often different when it happens to you. I've found out plenty of times before that what I can diagnose in my patients, I often can't see in myself. John has pointed that out to me a few times."

Victor harrumphed and asked, "How did that go over with you, Dr. Evans?"

Marlena chuckled, "Not always well at first. I'm sometimes in denial. I have a tendency to run away from the problem or to pretend it isn't a problem. But John knows all that. He also knows I can be highly emotional when I do react. He knows I can be high maintenance sometimes too."

"Is that so?" Victor asked innocently.

Smiling a bit shyly, Marlena replied, "Yep. Sometimes. Sometimes I can be as stubborn and pigheaded as you and John are. Sometimes, I can drive my husband up the wall. I said at our last wedding that John can make me a little crazy sometimes - and he can, especially when he gets obsessive. Well, I can make him a little crazy too. Usually, he is the soul of patience. But, as it is in marriage, sometimes I push too many of his buttons, and then he lets me know in no uncertain terms he's had enough."

Now Victor chuckled. "Does that work for him?"

"Occasionally no. And then we have a thunderous shouting match. But usually, yes. Sometimes I just need a little space to get my attitude adjusted."

"And if you have a whopping fight, do you do what a lot of couples do afterward?" Victor asked archly.

Marlena grinned slyly. "Of course, I can't speak about what other couples do. But what we do suits us both sensationally."

Marlena wasn't finished. She needed to talk about John some more. She needed to tell someone - and Victor was right here - about the man she loved. "I think you know this, Victor - John is amazingly romantic. He loves planning surprises for me, even though I tell him I don't like surprises. But it's not the surprise I don't like. It's having to wait for it while knowing there is a surprise that bothers me." She tittered.

"Understandable," Victor agreed.

Marlena continued, "I've said this often through the years, but it's true. The first time I shook John Black's hand, after he saved me in Shenanigans, I knew I was going to spend my life with him - don't ask me how, but I did. I never had the faintest notion it would be quite so filled with peaks and valleys. We've basked in the brightest light and been cast into the darkest abyss. But I'm still head-over-heels in love with him. And that love has grown over the years, not diminished."

Victor patted her hand. "I don't doubt it. You and John were made for each other, Marlena. That man loves you with a white-hot intensity. Everyone who sees him look at you knows it. And you, it's obvious, are just as taken with him. And you know what? I and others can see it hasn't changed. I saw you two just a few days before this happened, and you looked like newlyweds. Mutual love just radiated from you."

"You saw us? When?"

"Oh, I was being driven somewhere, and as the car turned the corner, I happened to catch sight of you and John walking together. He had his arm around you and he seemed to be whispering close to your ear, gesturing with his free hand, and you were gazing at him so happily and adoringly."

Marlena cracked a smile. "Oh. Right. I remember that." Her smile grew, and she blushed as she recalled John's steamy promises of what they'd do when they arrived home. He had kept every single one of those promises too.

Of course Victor wasn't the right person to talk to about romantic things. Marlena's long-enduring friendship with Maggie Horton Kiriakis lent itself to some girl talk about husbands, but Maggie liked to gossip a little more than Marlena was comfortable with, and so Marlena did not share everything she could have with her when they went for a drink or lunch.

Kate was an on-again-off-again friend, but due to the brief relationship she and John had when Marlena was being held on Melaswen back about fifteen years ago, Marlena shied away from giving Kate too much intensely personal information.

Marlena found herself missing Laura Horten as a confidante about such things. Laura's lusty temperament would have been very interested in getting a vicarious thrill out of hearing about Marlena's sex life. And as a fellow psychiatrist, Laura was able to keep secrets too, and that would have been a big plus. Sadly, Laura had not been in Salem for quite a while.

So, once in a while Marlena and Julie Williams would get together and they would reminisce. They could reach back and talk about Marlena's marriage to Don as well as Roman. And they sometimes let loose and told one another things about their current marriages that they wouldn't repeat to anyone else.

While sitting there in the hospital waiting room with Victor, Marlena flashed back on a no-holds-barred conversation she'd had with Julie less than a year ago. Earlier, Julie had encouraged Marlena to re-marry John, and since Marlena now again sported her wedding rings on her left hand, Julie said, "Being John's wife again agrees with you, Marlena. You are positively shining."

"I'm overjoyed we're hitched again, Julie. As I told John a month or two before we were wed, it is important to me that we are a team and united, not just between ourselves, but that others see us that way again too."

Julie said she totally understood that. Then she said impishly, "So has the sex gotten even better too, or was that already so off-the-charts that it couldn't improve?"

Marlena pretended umbrage at that bald question and her cheeks colored, but then her face assumed a "cat-that-ate-the-canary" expression. Leaning toward Julie so that she could speak in lower tones, she said blithely, "Not to brag, but John has always been a consummate lover. Somehow he knows me and my body better than I do myself. And even though we're not young people with raging hormones anymore, we haven't lost our desire for each other at all."

Julie smiled broadly and said, "That's the way it is when a couple is truly in love."

"The thing is, Julie, when I listen to some of my patients talk about their marriages, they often complain that they're in a rut or that they've lost spark for their spouse. Some of them haven't had sex in months or years."

Julie grinned. "And you just can't imagine that, right?"

"Right! I mean, the ISA and my work kept John and me apart for months at times, but when we are together, there's no way we're going to voluntarily fast from making love. We aren't made to keep our hands off each other!"

"That's the way!" Julie cheered - but not too loudly to keep their conversation private.

On a roll, and her tongue loosened with a bit more wine than usual, Marlena lowered her volume further, "And a lot of my patients complain because if they do have sex, it is usually very routine. They get into a pattern, and then they lazily don't break it."

"But not you and John, right?"

"Nope! We're not boring at all."

"And probably not just vanilla either," Julie winked at Marlena.

Marlena shot Julie a crafty smirk. "You got it."

Julie was interested in more details, "Care to elaborate on that?"

Thinking for a moment, Marlena was not sure how much she should or wanted to reveal. There were very intimate moments between John and herself, and she cherished them and didn't want to tarnish them in any way.

"John can be many types of lover. He can be the soul of gentleness and thoughtfulness. He usually has a great deal of stamina, and he doesn't need a blue pill to help him.

"He can be very creative and unexpected in his lovemaking. He takes pains to ensure our love life doesn't get stale, and he keeps me guessing. John doesn't hesitate to be daring. And he is a man who encourages me to be the same. He loves it if I take the lead, but that might be because although I feel very free to do that, I don't terribly often. So it is a treat for him when I do.

"John is a romantic soul. He constantly stirs the romantic in me with sweet and chivalric gestures. And I must say, he is an epic kisser. Back when we were first married in 1986, I just could not get enough of his kisses. I still can't. He has a repertoire that could be unmatched. I know I've only been with a few men in my life, but none of them but John has such talented lips."

Julie hummed approval.

Marlena blushed a little more. "I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know when I say that John can be too protective and possessive. That part of his character isn't always on display, but when it is, I may react in different ways. I can feel too boxed in by that and want space. But other times, his masculine ego is a real turn on."

Julie laughed knowingly.

"One day, about twenty years ago, he and I were arguing in Salem Place. We were both quite intractable, and I thought the conversation was over. I was going to walk away. But John grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder. He stalked to the penthouse with me like a redneck mountain man, while I shrilly demanded he put me down and smacked his back the whole way. He got me upstairs and finally tossed me onto our bed. When he started kissing me, I was lost; it's almost impossible for me to resist him. I forgot about his infuriating "caveman" routine and went with the flow."

Nodding, Jule said, with a twinkle in her eye, "That episode has not been forgotten in Salem. People still talk about John's march through the twilight carrying a loudly protesting you." She winked at Marlena again.

"Yeah, not Mr. and Mrs. Blacks' finest hour." Marlena took another swallow of her wine." Then she giggled a little. "The truth is, under better, and much more circumspect circumstances, John getting all dominant has led to some of our most incredible times together. When we're both into that, whew!

"Your husband is a "you're mine" kind of guy, isn't he?"

"Oh, boy. You said it. But," Marlena added, "I'm also a "you're mine" kind of gal. I just don't express it as much as he does. And I'm not as likely to take that into our bedroom. John, on the other hand, can be very intense about it, and when he's in that kind of mood, his masterful side comes out in full force. For me, that's exhilarating. That's also at the edge of my envelope, so to speak. But John knows exactly how far my limits will - or won't - stretch.

"He's also a man who pays attention to details. If I wear a special dress to a party or another occasion, he can usually recall when and where. And he remembers things I tell him about my preferences, including, of course, the bedroom. For instance...

"Last year, just before Christmas, I started into the townhouse living room. John was there and he called out, 'Freeze, freeze, freeze.' He told me not to move and not to look. He was wrapping a gift for me. So I obeyed his commands. When he was done, he said, 'Sorry, sorry; didn't mean to go all ISA on you,' and I went over to him and told him "I kind of liked it.' He got a look in his eye and replied, 'I'll remember that.' "

Marlena offered a cheshire smile. "And he did."

Laughing, Julie prompted, "Oh?"

"Mm hmm. But if I told you more about it, I'd have to kill you." Marlena's eyes gleamed mischievously at her long-time friend.

Marlena's recollection of this visit with Julie took only moments, and Victor probably didn't even have a clue that she'd gone down this memory lane. For a few seconds more, Marlena indulged in some private wishes, hoping that this medical setback would not prevent John from recovering fully both mentally and physically. With her whole being she longed for him to be able to return to all his activities, and that included their rich and many-sided love life.

Focusing on Victor again, Marlena said, "I just pray that it won't be too long before you again happen to see John and me walking down a street together."

"Me too." Victor was about to aim his wheelchair for the door, but he paused. "Marlena, you've heard the well-worn adage, 'Getting old is not for the weak.' Sometimes people say instead, 'Getting old is not for the faint of heart.' Getting on in years presents challenges that we don't think about when we're young and healthy and strong.

"You are still in good health overall. And I hope you continue to be. John may weather this without any lasting effects. I certainly hope so. But whether he does or not, you'll still love him, and the two of you will keep on together in this life as long as you both have breath in your bodies. You don't have to feel any guilt about noticing that John is aging a little faster than you -."

"But I do. It seems petty to notice these things. All I should care about is doing everything I can to help his recovery."

"You will. You are already," Victor assured her. "You know, the more years we live, the faster time appears to fly by. And when someone we love is seriously ill, we tend to magnify everything, including the time that's gone by already. Thirty-four years for you and John. But Marlena, it won't do any good to think about what you might have done differently. Don't waste any more time in any laments of self-recrimination.

"But also cut yourself a break about feeling a sense of loss because you're not the youngsters you once were. It's okay to acknowledge the passage of time and how it affects you and the ones you love."

Marlena said, "Thank you, Victor. I appreciate that wisdom. Really, I do."

"You're welcome. Now, would you mind wheeling this old man over to John's room so I can urge your husband to get well? Maybe he needs a little prod from an old nemesis."

Moving herself behind his chair and warmed to the heart, she said, "Gladly."