The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is in quarantine. Not even this idea is mine folks. It was co-written by ColdFusion 180!

Know Your Joe: Footloose

"I swear, if I spend one more minute cooped up in here, I'll go insane," Low Light grumbled while lying on a bunk. "There. I'm insane."

A team of Joes were situated in a special medical isolation facility. The team consisted of Duke, Flint, Lady Jaye, Scarlett, Roadblock, Low Light, Shipwreck, Alpine, Beach Head and Bazooka. Watching them through a monitor was Lifeline while a team of doctors worked behind him in a lab.

"Join the club," Roadblock sighed sitting on a bunk of his own. His foot was in a cast. "You lasted longer than the rest of this crew, I must say. I finally broke and went completely nuts on Tuesday."

"It is Tuesday," Flint reminded him.

"Exactly," Roadblock said.

"We've only been in here since Monday!" Alpine told them.

"Well if it's Tuesday, this must be Belgium," Shipwreck quipped lounging on his bunk. "Or at least a passing resemblance to the police drunk tanks in Antwerp. But with much better beds."

"You'd be the one to know," Lady Jaye quipped looking up from a book.

"And knowing is why I should write a guidebook," Shipwreck mused. "The Best of the Worst of Europe!"

"If anyone is an expert on that subject…" Roadblock rolled his eyes.

"Watch out Rick Steves," Lady Jaye quipped. "Shipwreck is coming to PBS!"

"That would be one way to increase those pledge drives," Low Light remarked. "People would pay through the nose to not watch that!"

"Hang on," Duke did a double take. "Why are you in quarantine Roadblock? You weren't on the mission because of your injury!"

"Because some idiot delivered a sample to the Mess," Roadblock groaned. "It didn't get out but I think you can figure out the rest."

"It wasn't me," Shipwreck called out.

"Yeah, we know," Scarlett snorted as she flipped through a magazine. "It was a different idiot. Who's dumber than Shipwreck?"

"Some green shirt they transferred named Pyle," Lifeline sighed. "Needless to say, he got transferred again."

"To Greenland?" Flint asked.

"The idiot was kicked out of Greenland!" Duke groaned. "For nearly burning down the base!"

"Gee I wonder why they transferred him here?" Low Light groaned. "Well that explains why…"

"Hey guys!" BA 'Bon Appetit' LaCarr, the former Cobra chef turned Joe chef sauntered out of the latrine section. He was wearing a fluffy white robe and slippers and his huge beard stuck out everywhere. "Showers open if anyone wants a scrub!"

"I'll think I'll pass," Alpine groaned. "How can you be so cheerful?"

"It's kind of like the old days," BA grinned. "When I spent years in that abandoned Cobra sub. Only this time I actually have people to talk to other than seaweed meatloaf dolls I made."

"Uh huh…" Roadblock sighed.

"And after that I spent some time in that barium chamber with Roadblock and a few other Joes," BA smiled. "Remember that?"

"How could I forget that wreck?" Roadblock groaned. "At least this time we're not cooped up with Wet Suit and Leatherneck."

"Figures those two didn't get exposed to that bacterium we found in that Mongoose Incorporated Lab," Duke groaned. "On second thought I'm glad that didn't happen!"

"Yeah, we could use the peace and quiet," Roadblock added. "Don't need those two causing a riot!"

"Man, I can't take much more of this," Alpine groaned while playing cards with Bazooka. "We could be stuck in this antiseptic bubble for days. I want out!"

"Me too," Bazooka added. "I miss working on the gun range and I'm all out of gum."

"For once, I agree with you lunatics," Beach Head grumbled as he pumped out a set of push-ups. "I'm getting restless being away from my PT course for so long. I just got my arm fixed and now I'm stuck in here!"

"Oh, poor baby," Shipwreck mocked.

Beach Head ignored him and kept doing push-ups. "Somebody tell the wardens to hurry whipping up a vaccine or they'll have a full-blown hospital riot on their hands!"

"Calm down, Beach Head," Duke ordered. "That genetically engineered bacterium we were exposed to is no joke. It's darn lucky we were able to limit the exposure to just us instead of have it released over the entire Eastern Seaboard."

"Yeah, lucky us," Low Light moaned.

"Don't worry. Airtight and Doc are working hard to identify the exact pathogen and come up with an effective antibiotic," Lifeline said while recording everyone's latest vitals.

"Are you sure we were exposed to it?" Scarlett asked. "We're not even showing any symptoms."

"Not yet," Lifeline warned. "The incubation period could be a few days or a few weeks. We can't risk breaking quarantine. We just have to be patient. But the fact that you haven't shown any symptoms over 24 hours is a very good sign."

"Oh joy. Stuck in a room with a bunch of nuts who may suddenly drop dead while waiting for a cure that may never come," Low Light moaned holding his head. "There are times when being a Joe really, really stinks."

"Aw, c'mon Low Light. Things aren't that bad," Duke tried to keep up his troops' morale. "The path ahead may seem rough and bleak now, but we'll get through it. The whole team is looking out for us. We're Joes. We never give up. There's nothing we can't endure and overcome together!"

Suddenly every TV in the isolation section snapped to life. Quick Kick's face appeared on screen. "Hey, friends! It's time for another round of everyone's favorite personnel program: Know Your Joe!"

"You were saying?" Low Light gave Duke a look.

"On second thought," Duke groaned. "There's one thing that may be the doom of us all."

"Oh no, not again," Alpine moaned. "It was bad enough running out of stuff to watch on Webflix and Disney Ads!"

"I don't know," BA remarked. "I like their show."

"You like your own cooking!" Beach Head snapped as he stopped doing push-ups.

"Remember what I said about people paying to not watch a show?" Low Light remarked.

"Take me now, virus!" Shipwreck moaned. "Take me now!"

"Yes, we're back with our semi-regular televised format instead of our podcast," The smiling images of Short Fuse beamed on the screen. "We're happy to announce the restraint orders against us acquiring any kind of video recording device has finally expired."

"Too bad they've exceeded the expiration on their brains," Low Light groaned. "By a few decades or so."

"We know these are trying times these days that can really drain one's outlook on life and contribute to one feeling blue," Short Fuse said.

"Just like this show," Shipwreck quipped.

"So who better to have as a guest than the one guy who's always cheery and upbeat, the man guaranteed to put a smile on your face: Footloose!" Quick Kick grinned.

"Hey man!" Footloose happily waved at the camera. "Like thanks for having me on your totally awesome show! This is like so far out man! Like wow!"

"Oh, dear Galloping Gourmet. This is a new low," Roadblock groaned. "Those clowns are really scrapping the bottom of the barrel by putting that weirdo on their show."

"I wouldn't go that far," Low Light jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "They haven't recruited Shipwreck yet."

"Yeah!" Shipwreck nodded. "Wait a second…hey!"

"Don't give those two idiots any ideas!" Lady Jaye snapped.

"So, without further ado, let's get this show rolling," Quick Kick smiled readied his notes. "Footloose's real name is Andrew D. Meyers and he hails from lovely Gary, Indiana."

"Gary, Indiana! Gary, Indiana! Gary, Indiana!" Footloose sang and did a few dance steps. "My home sweet home!"

"Oh no, not the singing!" Beach Head winced. "And I thought putting up with Thunder's racket was bad!"

Shipwreck blinked. "Has some good dance moves though."

"Just what we need," Low Light groaned. "Another episode of Dancing With the Nuts!"

"Hey, nice moves!" Short Fuse commented at Footloose. "Did you do a lot of dancing as a kid?"

"Oh yeah, all the time," Footloose grinned. "I formed my own dance crew at school before dance crews were even a thing. We'd break out into dance and party on all the time! Especially during class, sporting events and on our way to the principal's office."

"That's one way to stand out in school," Lady Jaye quipped. "And get out of taking a test."

"Eh, I've done better," Shipwreck waved.

Flint looked at him. "I believe that."

"O-kay," Quick Kick blinked. "Talk about catching a case of boogie fever. I'm guessing that dancing so much didn't give you a lot of time to focus on your studies."

"Not at all, man. I was really into the whole learning and homework thing," Footloose smiled. "In fact, I was my high school class Valedictorian, captain of the track team and an Eagle Scout."

"What?" Beach Head yelped. "How did that nutcase become class Valedictorian? I was my class Valedictorian!"

"Gee, guess you and Footloose are a lot alike," Flint quipped. "Especially in the disciplinary sense."

"We are not!" Beach Head yelled.

"He's right," Shipwreck quipped. "Footloose uses deodorant!"

"Wow, I'm impressed," Short Fuse blinked. "You really were the typical All-American Boy."

"More like atypical," Low Light grunted.

"Eh, I guess so," Footloose shrugged. "I don't really believe in labeling myself or anything. Too much typecasting can make you feel all limited and restrained, ya know?"

"Restrained is definitely not a word I would use to describe Footloose," Alpine said.

"I can think of a few other words," Low Light groaned.

"Got it," Quick Kick nodded. "So, did you go to college after graduating high school?"

"Oh yeah. Totally. Had a state scholarship and everything," Footloose grinned proudly. "I was working toward a degree in Physical Education. Would have finished too if I hadn't suddenly dropped out."

"Dropped out?" Short Fuse repeated. "Why did you do that? What happened?"

"I could take a guess," Low Light said.

"I dunno, man. It's kind of a blur," Footloose waved his hand around vaguely. "One minute I'm in the classroom learning about biomechanics and the next I'm on like this totally wild cosmic trip! I'm talking true psychedelic, man! Completely blew my mind!"

"No kidding," Beach Head snorted. "Footloose blew whatever passed for his mind years ago."

"He's is good company," Flint indicated Short Fuse and Quick Kick.

"I see," Quick Kick blinked. "And how long did this memory gap last?"

"Oh, about three years or so," Footloose shrugged. "But hey, who's counting?"

"That's some trip," Short Fuse commented. "Do you have any recollection about what when on during that missing three years?"

"Footloose doesn't having any recollection about what he had for breakfast," Low Light noted.

"Neither do I," Bazooka spoke up. "From the taste of my burps I'd say I had a ketchup, marshmallow, baloney sandwich with pickles and cream cheese. With a hint of horseradish!"

"Again?" Alpine yelped. "I thought I told you not to eat those anymore, Bazook. It's bad enough they give you nightmares and gas. Now you'll have 'em while in a closed, confined space with me!"

"Talk about unrestrained biological warfare," Flint groaned. "Even the Dreadnoks don't resort to those tactics."

"Oh, just an occasional glimpse or impression, ya know what I mean?" Footloose said about his extended memory lapse. "Nothing real concrete. Well maybe a few times I fell on some concrete…"

"A perfect description of Footloose's mental processes," Low Light sighed. "Now if only we had a real block on concrete to use on Short Fuse and Quick Kick.

"That's one tactic I could definitely get behind using," Lady Jaye smirked.

Footloose paused. "I do remember one thing. I definitely remember flying a plane. And then some kind of crash. And I think I was wearing a pilot's uniform. Or was I just pretending to be a pilot? I do remember a big fire and going down a big puffy yellow slide…"

"I'm starting to think a Section Eight is a requirement to join this outfit," Beach Head groaned.

"I remember surfing in the ocean," Footloose added. "At least I think it was the ocean. It could have been just some guy's pool. Which explains why I was attacked by a giant inflatable donut. Never should have tried to eat it."

"I think you might be right," Duke groaned.

"Okay," Quick Kick blinked. "So, what happened when you finally came to your senses?"

"That would imply Footloose ever returned to his senses," Low Light sighed. "Or even possessed any in the first place."

"Oh, I like found myself standing on a boardwalk in Venice pondering something cosmic when something hit me between the eyes like a runaway freight train," Footloose said.

"Really? What was it?" Short Fuse pressed.

"A runaway freight train," Footloose repeated. "Apparently someone had broken into a local pet shop and set all the animals free. They stampeded through the Venetian train station. A couple of monkeys took control of a parked freight train before literally driving it off the rails."

"I see," Quick Kick blinked. "Were you the one who let the animals free in the first place?"

"I don't know man. I told you everything before was a blur," Footloose shrugged. "Then again I do have the distinct memory of a flock of parakeets flying above me before that happened. And some beagles licking my face. And some guy screaming at me to stop opening up…Okay now that I think about it, it's definitely possible!"

"Where do we get these people?" Duke groaned. "And why do they always come here?"

Footloose went on. "Fortunately, the train only gave me a glancing hit. Didn't even wind up with a concussion or any kind of mental trauma."

"Obviously, other mental effects went undetected," Low Light noted. "Which resulted in passing mental trauma onto us in the form of this stupid show."

"That explains a lot," Lady Jaye said. "Now I know."

"And knowing is why some programs should never be allowed on TV," Flint shook his head.

"Again," Low Light told him. "That's where the payment comes in!"

"Anyway, while the paramedics were loading me into the ambulance, I finally realized the utter pointlessness of my existence," Footloose went on. "So I yanked the oxygen mask off my face and said, 'I think I'll join the Army'. And that's exactly what happened when I returned home after being deported."

"Deported?" Quick Kick did a double take. "Wait, you're saying that whole incident was in…"

"Venice, Italy," Footloose nodded. "Yes."

"Venice, Italy has a train station?" Short Fuse asked. "And a zoo?"

"The Santa Lucia Train Station yes," Footloose nodded. "The zoo…Well it's not really there anymore. Not since the fire that day."

"What fire?" Quick Kick asked. "How did it start?"

"I don't know," Footloose shrugged. "I think the monkeys did it. That could be the reason they dropped the arson charges against me."

"If only he could use that power against Cobra…" Lifeline remarked.

"Yeah, they'd have been wiped out years ago," BA agreed.

"Anyway, they dropped the charges on condition that I leave the country," Footloose grinned.

"A decision we all regret," Alpine sighed. "Why couldn't Italy have just kept him? Why did we have to take him back?"

"Probably to preserve American-Italian relations and prevent Italy from leaving NATO," Duke suggested. "Though the way the current administration is acting, they might just drive Italy out anyway."

"Okay, well that concludes the interview portion of our show," Quick Kick tossed his notes over his shoulder.

"Thank goodness," Low Light sighed. "Now I can go back to the stimulating task of counting ceiling tiles and giving them all nicknames."

"I already did that three times," Roadblock groaned. "It ain't easy coming up with one thousand eight hundred seventy-two names that all rhyme."

"So, let's move on to our new public awareness segment," Short Fuse smiled.

"I'd settle for some public unawareness about this garbage," Beach Head grumbled.

"We know times are tough and there are a lot of scary things out there these days," Quick Kick said solemnly. "So what better way to keep people safe than by giving out handy safety tips made by a trio of loveable Joes!"

"Oh no," Low Light blanched. "They wouldn't…"

"They would," Lifeline sighed.

"Tip number one: wash your hands often, especially after touching something someone else has touched," Footloose smiled. "You never know where their hands have been and probably do not want to know!"

"For example, half the people on this base…" Beach Head groaned. "Or BA's cooking."

"I wash my hands when I cook!" BA snapped. "Usually! I think…"

"Tip number two: maintain a safe distance when around others," Short Fuse grinned. "Especially when handling grenades, dynamite, detonators and other common household explosives."

"Or eating BA's Chili Con Carne," Quick Kick added.

"That is good advice," BA shrugged.

"Oh, I want to show you something!" Footloose called out. "Hang on! I'll be right back! I want to show you another safety tip!" He ran off camera.

"Couldn't he just go away?" Scarlett sighed.

"Oh geeze, shoot me now," Alpine begged holding his hands over his ears in a vain attempt to block out the noise. "Watching talking heads argue on the news is better than listening to this."

"Yeah, whoever thought Joes would be reduced to making public safety lessons?" Flint groaned.

"Well, now that you mention it…" Shipwreck began.

"Lifeline, tell Doc and Airtight they might not need to make a dose of antibiotic for me," Low Light moaned covering his head with a pillow. "Listening to pointless performances put on by Short Fuse, Quick Kick and Footloose is far deadlier than any genetically altered bacterium!"

"Actually…" Airtight appeared. "We just figured out what you were exposed to. The good news is that it's not contagious and you can break quarantine."

"What?" Duke perked up. "What were we exposed to?"

"Mayonnaise," Lifeline told them.

"Come again?" Duke looked confused.

"Well liquified and broken down and rancid," Lifeline explained. "But still mayonnaise. You remember that writing that was on the jar we couldn't decipher? We realized it was BA's handwriting."

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"Oh right," BA realized. "I used to send out jars of homemade mayo to all the Cobra facilities years ago. I guess one of them must have gotten forgotten in a refrigerator somewhere…"

"WE'VE BEEN LOCKED IN HERE BECAUSE OF BA'S RANCID MAYONAISE RECIPE?" Duke shouted.

"I thought that smell was familiar," BA remarked.

"Technically it is still toxic…" Lifeline shrugged. "But only if you eat it. And since none of you did…"

"Good news guys," BA said cheerfully. "No one is going to die!"

"Don't be so sure," Shipwreck glared at BA.

"GET US OUT OF HERE NOW!" Low Light shouted as he jumped off his bunk.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"What was that?" Duke did a double take.

"Uh Duke…" Bazooka pointed to the monitor.

An avalanche of a strange white substance had erupted onscreen. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Quick Kick and Short Fuse screamed as they were swept away.

"COWABUNGA DUDES!" Footloose rode on a surfboard. "Mashed potato tidal wave! RIGHTEOUS!"

"Why…?" Duke was stunned.

"WHY?" Short Fuse screamed. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS FOOTLOOSE?"

"It's for the show man!" Footloose called out. "I figured out a way to get better ratings! Crazy stunts! I'll call it Hanging Ten With Footloose! WHOO HOO!"

"Oh, dear God…" Lady Jaye massaged the bridge of her nose. "Footloose caught their insanity and now it's mutated into a pandemic!"

"How…?" Duke was stunned. "How did he…? Why would he…?"

"It's Footloose Duke," Flint told him. "Do you really want to know?"

"I do not," Duke blinked.

"Not knowing will help us sleep at night," Scarlett grumbled.

"Where are we going to sleep?" Alpine snapped. "That mashed potato tsunami is wrecking half the base!"

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"There goes Beach Head's obstacle course," BA remarked casually.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Beach Head screamed. "NOOOOOOOO!"

"So…" Lifeline paused. "You were saying something about leaving?"

"On the other hand," Low Light remarked. "No sense in rushing things."

"Can we stay in here a little longer?" Duke moaned.

"Only if you let me join you," Lifeline groaned.

"My obstacle course," Beach Head was openly sobbing. "My beautiful perfect obstacle course…WAAAHHH!"

"I wonder if I can transfer to wherever they're sending Pyle?" Flint groaned.