Chapter 9 – The prince and a ball

The doctor had explained to me what I needed to do while having my menstrual cycle and he reassured me that he would not expose my gender but asked that I think about what he said. He was a kind man. I would have to limit physical exertion so that I don't faint. I told Tannis and Emond that the doc said that I just had a bit of a cold and that it would get better soon. Emond accepted what I said, but I noticed Tannis looked at me a bit longer than necessary.

I focussed more on learning from Tannis when he wasn't out on patrol. Since I was recovering from a "cold" I wasn't sent out. I was very happy when my period ended some days later. I started training sword fighting again in the mornings. It was one of these mornings that I was joined by an unexpected visitor. As I was swinging my sword it was blocked and I was surprised to look up into blue eyes. I wasn't going to back away from a challenge, so I sparred with him and we fought for a while. It didn't take long to figure out that he had more strength than me but I had better agility and I used that to my advantage. However, I was starting to get tired. Just then he looked over my shoulder and abruptly stopped.

"Your highness?" I asked in confusion and looked back to see Luzelle standing there. He didn't look very happy, in fact he was practically glaring at the prince. What was going on?

"I was just testing Ai's ability, Luzelle. He seems to have recovered fairly well but I would not recommend having him in a fight in his current condition."

I wasn't happy to hear that from the prince and had to bite back a retort.

"I wasn't planning to. Tannis has been teaching him healing skills to aid our wounded knights."

"I see..." the prince said and then walked closer to me until he was in my personal space. I felt uncomfortable having him so close to me, but I bore with it and looked into his face defiantly.

"Not a bad reaction," he said with a smirk, "most knights will at least tremble if not whet their pants when I get this close to them. You are either very brave or very stupid."

"Do you always insult other people or only those who intimidate you in some way?" I asked, no longer able to keep quiet. The prince's eyes widened in surprise and he then laughed.

"I like you, you have pluck. Perhaps I'll even consider making you my apprentice in the knights."

"That will not happen!" Luzelle suddenly interrupted and pulled me away from the prince so that he was almost hugging me protectively.

"And what makes you so sure of that?" the prince asked Luzelle with a raised eyebrow, "It's not like it is prohibited." I noticed him emphasize the last word and wondered what he was getting at.

The two men glared at each other in silence for a bit. Just then Tannis arrived for my lesson with him, which saved me from the awkward situation. What was that about?

One evening some days later Kitka came with a letter asking me to meet Luzelle in the secret courtyard. It was quite busy at the palace lately and took me a while to get there unseen. Luzelle was sitting on the grass, staring up at the starry sky.

"You came," he said with a smile when he noticed me.

"Yes. It's been a while."

We haven't seen each other for several days now. Our duties in the knights kept us busy. I sat down next to Luzelle on the grass and felt a strong feeling of de ja vu.

"This feels very nostalgic, doesn't it?" Luzelle asked as if reading my thoughts.

"It does...it wasn't that long ago that we met here for the first time and I told you my dream of becoming a knight and I mistakenly believed you were a woman..."

I became self-conscious, realising what I just said and laughed uncomfortably. Luzelle didn't seem to pick up on this thankfully.

"A lot has happened since...Ai, I must apologise for being cold to you when you couldn't accept my feelings before...I just needed some time to come to terms with it. I understand how much it means to you to be a knight so I will not try to distract you from realising your dreams."

"It...it's not like that...there are...complicated reasons why I can't respond to your feelings, Luzelle... but please understand that I care about you deeply. I'm sorry that I had to hurt you in this way."

"Don't say anything more. As long as we understand that we care about each other deeply, that is enough..."

We sat in silence for a while looking at the stars. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence and I wished we could stay like this for a long time.

"I actually have a favour to ask you," Luzelle eventually spoke up, "In a week's time there will be another ball held. Since things with the humans have quieted down for now the king is insisting that the prince look for a wife again... will you attend this event as my partner?"

"Sure, no problem. Just don't ask me to dance if you want to keep your toes safe."

The evening of the ball arrived quickly. When I arrived back at my room to get ready I found a parcel had been delivered and had a note on it. It was from Luzelle.

"I have to be present as my male self so I need you to wear this please."

Inside was a very gorgeous gown along with accessories. I stood there staring at it for quite a while. I had thought that Luzelle would disguise himself as a woman again and that I would go to the ball as a man. Eventually I put the clothes on and struggled a bit to do my hair up in a female way. The dress accentuated my curves and chest... luckily it wasn't too revealing so I should be able to play it off as having "stuffed" the boobs.

I never felt so nervous in my life. Luckily not many people were interested in me, I was just one of many ladies attending the ball. Some were extremely beautiful. I thought about Luzelle perhaps dancing with some of them and felt a pang of jealousy. I mentally berated myself. I had no right to feel jealous after rejecting his feelings. Even if he chose to hold another women...or kiss her...these thoughts just made my mood more and more gloomy.

I knew it was my own fault. I chose this, in order to be a knight. As much as I desired to be made love to by him... I was shocked at my thoughts... was I really that in love with Luzelle? I was... could I really live the rest of my life feeling like this, while seeing him being with someone else? I knew I was playing with fire, but I at least wanted him to know the real reason why I couldn't accept his feelings...if he hated me after that then at least it would make it easier for me to focus on just being a knight... I decided that I would tell him tonight.

It wasn't long before everyone's attention was directed to the announcer.

"I present to you his royal highness."

What I saw next was not what I had been expecting. Luzelle came walking in dressed very differently than normal. He looked every bit like a prince... His long flowing garbs made it look like he was floating rather than walking. His long black hair was neatly bound and he wore the royal circlet. Everything about him exuded elegance and nobility. Emond and the man who I've come to know as the prince followed close behind him. My mind didn't want to process this and I was convinced that I was just confused.

They walked to the front and then Luzelle turned and addressed everyone.

"Ladies and gents, I thank you for attending this event tonight. I hope you all have an enjoyable evening."

I still stood there dumbstruck even after everyone starting moving again and I could hear excited chatter amongst the ladies.

"He's so handsome!"

"But I thought the one with the white hair was the prince?!"

"No, apparently it is his bodyguard who has been acting in his place so that he could inspect us more closely without us knowing."

Different opinions were going around about the prince and his handsome bodyguard. I felt a bit sick to my stomach and no, it was not my period. I made my way to the drinks table and got myself a glass and swigged it, hoping that the fiery liquid would dull my senses a bit and help me calm down.

I heard music start playing. It meant that the dancing would commence. Usually the prince would open the floor with the first dance. I wonder which of these women he chose? I thought darkly.

"Excuse me, my lady. Please may I have this dance?" a familiar voice suddenly asked behind me and I looked around in surprise. Luzelle was standing there with his hand stretched out to me. I was again struck by how attractive he was. Oh, yes...I said that I would be his partner for the night...perhaps to keep the women away from him?

"Of course, it will be my honour, your highness" I replied with a polite but semi-awkward curtsey and took his hand. He led me into the middle of the dance floor and pulled me close to him. My heart was racing at the sudden closeness of our bodies and feeling his arm settle on the small of my back. I was forced to look up and lost myself in his gold eyes. I realised again how hopelessly in love with him I was...but now...it was an impossible love...

"You look beautiful tonight," he said softly to me as we danced.

"So do you...er...handsome I mean," I stammered. I was trying my best to not step on his toes. I wasn't expecting to have to dance and I even told him so, but how do you refuse the prince? I stumbled a bit and he pulled me even closer to him so that my body had to move in sync with his.

"Relax your shoulders, let me lead," he whispered.

"Okay."

I did as he said and felt it easier to dance with him. I could feel my face burning and my heart didn't stop racing the whole time we danced. When the dance ended and he let me go I almost collapsed. The next song started and the floor was soon full of dancers. Some women surrounded Luzelle very quickly in the hopes of being the next to be asked for a dance, forcing me to step away. I needed some fresh air and made my way outside the hall.

It was cool outside and the breeze was welcome on my face. I looked up at the starry sky.

"Why do things have to be so damn complicated," I spoke to myself, not expecting to get an answer.

"Perhaps it is complicated because you make it so?"

I looked around in surprise to find Tannis there. I relaxed.

"You gave me quite a fright there for a moment... what do you mean I make it so?"

"Our lives are ultimately in our control. It is shaped by the decisions we make. Sometimes we stand in the way of our own happiness because we can't see beyond our own expectations."

"But how do I know which decisions are right? I've come so far and don't want to mess everything up... I feel like I'm standing in quicksand and the more I try to move forward the more I'm sinking."

"It's easy...your decisions should always be guided by this."

He gently tapped his fingers on my chest, where my heart is.

"Your heart is a very valuable compass when it is dark. As long as you let it guide you it will get you home safely."

Just then we got interrupted by Luzelle.

"Your highness," Tannis greeted him, bowing his head slightly. I guess it really is true...he really is the prince...

Tannis excused himself, leaving me with the prince. It felt awkward.

"Erm...I thought you'd be dancing with someone else by now?"

"And leave my partner to the mercy of wolves?"

"I had Tannis with me...besides it's not like I'm completely defenceless."

Luzelle stepped closer to me. He looked a bit sulky.

"Tannis is also a man just like me...and currently you are completely defenceless. I will prove it."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me along.

"Ah! Where are we going? Surely you can't just leave like this?" I asked when I noticed he was leading me away from the hall towards the East wing of the palace.

"I have said my greetings and excused myself so I can leave when I want," he replied bluntly, not slowing down and not letting go of my hand. Soon we came to a door and entered. It was a luxuriously decorated bedroom, most likely Luzelle's.

"Lu...your highness! It is very improper for us to be here like this!" I exclaimed but he simply pulled me toward him and kissed me. My mind very quickly became blank and I felt myself melt in his arms. I very soon responded and we kissed each other passionately for a while. Eventually he pulled back, looking at me with desire smouldering in his eyes.

"Do you understand now how defenceless you are?" he asked.

"That is because it is you," I said without hesitation but a little out of breath.

His eyes widened momentarily in surprise, but he quickly recovered.

"Forgive me, Ai...but tonight I can't hold myself back any longer."

His hands were reaching for the fastenings on my dress and I realised what he was wanting to do. I pushed against him, but he didn't let me go.

"I...I can't!" I exclaimed, "Please let me go!"

"Tell me why I can't make love to the woman I am in love with?"

His words brought me to a standstill and I stared at him in shock. Did I hear him correctly? Or was he perhaps under an illusion since I'm dressed as a woman?

"I know you are a woman," he said bluntly as if reading my thoughts, "I have known for a while now. As much as I understand your reasons for hiding this fact I was hoping that in time you would trust me enough to confide in me... I guess I was keeping a secret from you too so it makes us even then."

"I...Luzelle...I'm so sorry..." I said casting my eyes down, "I was afraid...I thought that you perhaps would hate me if you found out I was a woman and not a man..."

"I could never do that...even if you were a man I would love you the same. However, it does make things easier for me that you are a woman...my father would not oppose our relationship."

The implication of his words made me blush hard.

"But...I want to be a knight!"

"I have found a way for you to be both my wife and a knight, but you will have to compromise a little. I will not have you fighting on the front lines. I think you will figure out soon why."

He kissed me again and soon his hands had opened the fastenings and my dress slipped down.