- Chapter 4: Things Fall Apart -

For a moment, there was a gloomy silence in the Computer Research Society clubroom. The whole idea of a mole seemed so melodramatic, even tacky in an ordinary high school setting. It would have been less cheesy if he'd said "a snitch" instead, though I guess then we'd sound even more like a gang of criminals. But I was standing in a room with a club of geeks and the queen of melodrama herself, Haruhi Suzumiya. So I was the only one who wasn't reacting to the Computer Research Society President's statement with grim solemnity.

Then came Haruhi's brilliant retort: "Well, so what?"

"Miss Suzumiya -"

"The love of your life is right within your grasp, and you want to back off because of a little thing like a double agent?" I guess she thought that sounded cooler than "mole". Not that I disagreed. "You should be willing to fight for your love!"

"It's not that simple," the President objected. "If it were only me at risk, I – I'd do it without a second thought."

Yeah, I'll bet. Fight for your love? You wouldn't even fight us in a video game match without cheating. But the only fighting Haruhi would do for love would be fighting it into submission, so I guess the empty boasting pretty much evens out between the two of you.

"But you heard what he said. If we step out of line, the whole Computer Research Society will face disciplinary action. I can't ask my fellow club members to take on such a risk for the sake of something that benefits me alone." He lowered his head.

I had to admit, he sounded genuinely ashamed of himself. I mean, he should be; he could have got us all in a lot of trouble just for the sake of trying to get him a girlfriend. But the way he said it, I could actually believe that he never thought his scheming might lead to this.

I noticed Yanami twitching. With sudden resolve, he stood up and said, "I'll stand behind you, chief!"

Seeing this, another member of the club stood up as well. "Me, too!"

The remaining two were on their feet in no time. "We all will!"

"Yeah! You've always stood by us!"

"We can't let him get away with bullying us like this!"

I wondered if this was how they reacted after the SOS Brigade walked off with their best computer. I also remembered how it turned out when they tried to get back at us for that. Which made me wonder if the President had learned his lesson from that experience.

"Thank you all," he said, without facing them. "If you really mean that, I suppose I can't turn you down, but..." He was trembling now. "Kyon. What do you think we should do?"

I was startled at being asked for my input. "I -"

"Kyon is the lowest ranking member of the SOS Brigade! What he thinks doesn't matter!"

Okay, what the hell? Is it too much to ask that you just once treat me with basic human respect?

"I'll contact you later to tell you what we're going to do. Come on, Kyon." She strode out into the hall.

I wanted to question the President more, maybe get him to admit that his earlier bravado in front of Kimidori was just an attempt to impress his club members, but I wanted to know what Haruhi's marching orders for the SOS Brigade were even more, so I hurried after her.

Now that I thought about it, why had Haruhi showed up right when she did? Did Koizumi suggest she go check on me, timing it so she'd walk in while the Student Council President was doing his act?

"I was wondering why you were taking so long just to check in with the computer club," she said. "I was right to think you must have run into trouble." She shot me a look. "But couldn't you have done something more than just stand there like -"

Just like that, she stopped, staring at me like she had something on her mind.

She looked away. "Never mind."

I was lucky that the Student Council President had given me an excuse. "He told me that if I interfered, he'd report me to the administration. I didn't think there was anything I could say that would do any good anyway, so I decided to keep my mouth shut and not give the SOS Brigade another black mark with the school."

"Yeah." She nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like how you'd handle it." Her tone was neither praising nor criticizing.

When we entered the clubroom, the rest of the SOS Brigade was all present and accounted for. Miss Asahina was even hovering over two empty teacups with the pot. Nagato and Koizumi had already been served, though as usual, Nagato was too occupied with reading to pay the marvelous tea much interest. Koizumi, to my surprise, was seated next to Nagato, and reading over her shoulder.

I took my usual seat, and Miss Asahina promptly brought me my tea. Haruhi remained standing, looking around the room somewhat... I want to say absently, but it was almost the opposite. It was as if she was thinking about the SOS Brigade at some level that the rest of us weren't privy to. Maybe she was pondering who the mole might be. I'd expect Haruhi to rule out all members of the SOS Brigade as suspects with her usual blind confidence, but maybe not.

After a moment of hesitation, Miss Asahina poured Haruhi's tea and handed it to her. Haruhi took it without acknowledgment and sipped it, still looking pensive. If it's starting to sound like I was staring at her, well, with the current clubroom situation there wasn't much else to do but watch Haruhi. Koizumi was sitting with Nagato, and I could hardly flirt with Miss Asahina while Haruhi was standing there at hyper-alert status. Besides, that big closed space Koizumi mentioned was at the back of my mind. Haruhi's behavior was definitely a bit off, and I wanted to know what it was before she blew herself up, and the rest of the world along with her.

After a couple more sips (wait, since when does Haruhi not down her tea in one gulp?), Haruhi put her cup down and announced, "In today's meeting we will reassess the progress of Operation Love Rocket."

Everyone gave Haruhi their attention. Even Nagato seemed struck by her uncharacteristically calm voice.

"As I'm sure you've all noticed, the Student Council took down the flyers we put up before they could do any good. Also, while the love poem was good enough to draw Kimidori to the Computer Research Society's clubroom, both she and the President are afraid to take the next step. The evil Student Council President is on to us, and has threatened to report us to the administration if we try anything else."

Koizumi and Miss Asahina looked appropriately troubled. Nagato always looked neutral, and I'd just witnessed everything she said, so Haruhi shouldn't think it suspicious that neither of us had much reaction.

"So," she continued. "We have to decide whether we want to meet at the cafe tomorrow to come up with a plan to proceed, or cancel the mission altogether. I'm hereby putting it to a vote."

A... vote? And surrender is one of the options? Did I hear her correctly?

"All those in favor of continuing with Operation Love Rocket, raise your hand and say aye."

Koizumi and Miss Asahina's hands went right up, accompanied by enthusiastic "Aye!"s.

"Mmm-hmm. Alright, all those in favor of calling it off, raise your hand."

Nagato lifted her arm.

For a second I thought it had to be a twitch. Nagato had never voiced an opinion on one of Haruhi's projects. Plus, Koizumi must have told her about the closed space situation. Wasn't she worried that voting to abandon one of Haruhi's plans could make things worse?

But Haruhi didn't seem too upset. "Huh. Why do you want to give up on Operation Love Rocket, Yuki?"

Nagato blinked. "Risky."

"But don't you want to help the Computer Club President reunite with his true love? He's your friend, isn't he?"

"The risk is highest for him."

"Hmm. That's true." She turned sharply towards me. "Kyon! Why didn't you vote for either side?"

Sheesh. And I thought abstaining was taking the easy way out. "Look, I don't have a horse in this race, okay? I'm not friends with the Computer President and I don't see anything to be gained by messing with the Student Council President. You're the brigade chief, aren't you? Your wish is my command."

"It's not about what I want. It's what's best for the SOS Brigade! I thought you understood that."

You're the one who doesn't understand. If it weren't all about what you want, the five of us wouldn't even be here.

She gulped down the last of her tea and put the cup down on its saucer with an angry clatter. "Anyway, it's two in favor, one against, so we meet at the cafe tomorrow! Yuki, pass the word on to the Computer Research Society. Dismissed!"

Great. The Computer Research Society President had called it off, just like I wanted him to, and I didn't even have to talk him into it, but the SOS Brigade was marching on to certain defeat anyway.

For a moment I just sat there while the others got ready to go home. I was hoping that Nagato would be the last to leave. There was something I wanted to ask her. The President said that Nagato told him that Kimidori was the one who recruited the SOS Brigade to find him. In effect, Nagato had started this whole thing. So why were both Nagato and Kimidori trying to talk Haruhi and the Computer Club President into letting it drop?

My hopes of having that answered were postponed by a familiar sensation which jerked me to my feet by my neck, and an even more familiar voice ordering, "Walk with me."

I opened my mouth to tell her that she didn't have to drag me around by my necktie, and if she wanted me to come with her, she could just ask, but before I got a word out, she let go of my tie without prompting. She continued to walk on in silence. I followed, not only because I knew that if I tried to ditch her, she'd chase me down, beat me into submission, and drag me along, but because she had now aroused my curiosity.

At first I thought we might be headed to the Student Council chambers for a confrontation, but she headed outside the school. So, it looked like I was in for a dressing-down for my failure to vote.

But once we got outside, she said, "So, earlier today you asked what was bothering me."

Oh, yeah. I didn't think she'd actually get back to me on that. I thought I'd have to drag it out of her somehow.

She kept walking forward, not looking back at me. "My dad came home Wednesday night."

Something about her tone told me he wasn't just off on a business trip.

"I hadn't seen him since Christmastime. Even then, he wasn't really home. He basically just gave me my presents and left."

It was kind of embarrassing that I didn't know this by now, but I went ahead and asked: "Are your parents divorced?"

"Separated." She blew some air out between her pursed lips. "Not like there's a big difference. They only haven't bothered with the divorce because neither of them has met anyone else they want to marry yet."

Okay, I'm starting to get the picture. He came back and they had a fight, right?

"No fight. They talked about insurance, and college scholarships. Stuff like that. They never fight. They just don't love each other anymore. I listened to them, and I..." Her head drooped. "I never realized before that they were separated. I just thought Dad was off on long business trips."

"Five months is one damn long business trip."

"I wasn't counting the days, you know?" She didn't sound offended by my churlish remark. I don't mind telling you, that scared me. "I didn't think about it. I just assumed my parents would always be together, like you assume the sun is going to rise every morning and set every evening."

"I guess that's how I think about my parents, too," I admitted.

"I was stupid." Her words silenced what little levity there was in the conversation. "Everybody knows that love doesn't last. It's like any disease: So long as you live through it, eventually it goes away. And if you were stupid enough to get married, then you suddenly realize you're trapped in this house with a stupid and annoying person who hogs all the blankets. It's like sobering up after the longest, most intense drinking binge in history. Then you have to go through months of hell until you figure out how you can get your own place to live and maybe still see your kids now and then.

"Love, marriage, sobriety, divorce. You'd think more people would have wised up to the cycle by now." Her voice had an air of finality. "Things fall apart. And once they do, there's no putting them back together."

She let a pause fall. Somehow, I'd caught up so that I was walking beside her. I offered, "Not all couples end up like that."

"Oh, yeah. Of course not. The failure rate for marriages is high, but it's not 100%. Because you have these stubborn people who stick together after they're no longer in love. They make themselves miserable, and sometimes they even make their kids miserable, but they stick together because their pride won't let them break up like everyone else."

I had no response for that.

"I knew all that already. I wasn't so stupid that I needed to see my own parents grow apart to realize that love never works the way it's advertised. I was just stupid enough that I wanted to believe it could work sometimes, even though I knew it can't."

So that's how it was. Just like she wanted to believe in aliens, espers, and time travelers, even though she knew they logically shouldn't exist, Haruhi wanted to believe in "happily ever after" love, even though she knew that it was impossible because of the way people are. Any remaining doubt I had was erased: Koizumi was telling the truth about that large closed space, and this was its cause.

"That's why I was so critical of your love poem. I was really hoping to see something that said that love can be selfless and honest and lasting. Of course your poem didn't do that. Nothing could, except an obvious lie. But it actually was an okay effort, by your standards."

We walked in silence for a few moments. It occurred to me that what she'd just said was the closest I'd ever gotten to an apology from Haruhi. She hadn't in any way said she was sorry, of course, but she'd implicitly acknowledged that she'd done something wrong, that it had damaged our relationship, however slightly, and that she wanted to repair the damage.

The trouble was, since she hadn't said she was sorry, I'd just piss her off if I tried to accept it as an apology. I knew something was required on my end to clear the air, though, so I threw out, "Well, I'm glad it worked out for you. I mean, Koizumi's poem had what you were looking for, right?"

"Not at all." She sounded just a bit annoyed at the suggestion. "I mean, it was a better poem to give to Kimidori, but as far as what I was looking for, it was as worthless as yours."

I should have been happy to hear that. For once, I hadn't come up short against Koizumi in Haruhi's eyes. Instead, I just felt disheartened that I didn't have an easy answer for her problem. Haruhi had this look on her face like defeat, and I didn't like it one bit. I never wanted her to look so serious and sad.

"You know what the worst part about love is?" she said in a conversational tone that might have sounded normal coming from someone else, but seemed rather strained coming from her. "It doesn't even help if you're wise to it. Even if you know the person you're in love with is stupid, unimaginative, insensitive, and generally useless, you can't help being in love with them."

Well, sure. If you could control your feelings, you wouldn't be in love, right?

"You find yourself doing all these special things just for them, even though you know they're never going to appreciate them. They can even be in love with someone else, and you'll keep on making a fool of yourself because you can't help but want to see them happy. You'd do anything just to see them smile and know that you made it happen. And it only gets worse if they ever do anything sweet or considerate for you, or say anything nice to you, or even look at you the wrong way, because then your heart swells up with so much hope that it feels like an overfilled balloon. You start dropping all these hints that you have feelings for them, and they all just sail right over their stupid head. Then it's even worse if it turns out they really do have feelings for you too, because then you're on your way to the whole marriage nightmare."

We came to a stop at a train crossing. Haruhi was sounding more glum with every sentence, but I didn't know what to do except hear her out.

"They should warn kids about falling in love like they warn them about getting hooked on drugs. They both make you look stupid, act irresponsibly, and make a mess of your life and the lives of the people around you."

A train began roaring past us.

I got a sense of déjà vu. A year ago, I was walking home with Haruhi, and she was telling me about how insignificant and uninteresting her life felt. We came to the train crossing, the train passed, and I had nothing to say. Maybe if I had said something then, Haruhi wouldn't have tried to destroy the world. I was getting that same feeling now: That I had to say something to Haruhi, and I had no idea what. Everything I might say seemed so useless or even insensitive. I couldn't even say "I know how you feel", because I couldn't see my parents breaking up any time soon. They weren't insatiably lovey-dovey or anything, but they still occasionally went out to dinner and gave each other spontaneous pecks on the cheek.

Like when Nagato was sick, I felt the urge to just hug Haruhi. An embarrassing gesture that would have solved nothing, even pretending for the moment that Haruhi wouldn't respond by elbowing me in the stomach and flipping me over her head, but that didn't keep me from wishing I could pull her close and just squeeze the pain out of her.

Perversely, an old suggestion of Koizumi's came to mind: "Give Miss Suzumiya a sudden embrace from behind, then whisper, 'I love you' into her ear." Putting aside whether I was willing to do that, that would have been worse than saying nothing at all. The last thing Haruhi wanted to hear right now was that someone was in love with her.

But the train was almost past. I had to say something. Even if it made things worse, at least I could say that I tried.

"Haruhi," I said, forcing the words out. "I can't say that anything you've said isn't true, but... you still shouldn't give up, you know?"

The train gone, Haruhi stepped across the tracks. "You don't know what you're talking about. It's too late. My parents aren't going to magically fall in love again. You're telling me not to give up when love has already been defeated."

Actually, I meant that she shouldn't give up in the most vague, general sense of the phrase, not that she specifically shouldn't give up on her parents' marriage. Like I said, I had just been forcing words out. But with perfect timing, a light bulb clicked on in my head, and I saw a way to roll with Haruhi's misinterpretation. "Maybe I don't think of it as a defeat."

"What sort of nonsense is that?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Look, maybe your parents are unhappy now, but that doesn't mean it would be better if they'd never fallen in love. For instance, if they hadn't fallen in love, you wouldn't exist. And without you, plenty of people would be worse off." I smiled at her. "Like me."

"Yeah, that's true," Haruhi said, putting a hand to her jaw. I wouldn't say sunshine had broken out, but the clouds had parted at least, and she looked focused again. "If it weren't for my tutoring, you would be bombing mathematics. Maybe not even passing. You probably wouldn't be doing any extracurriculars. And you'd be spending your vacations just sitting at home playing video games."

I was thinking more along the lines of I wouldn't have someone interesting to talk to before class or any adventures with aliens, espers, and time travelers, but sure.

"And Yuki."

"What?"

"If it weren't for me, Yuki would be sitting by herself in that clubroom all day. She wouldn't be having fun with the SOS Brigade. Or the computer club."

"And ENOZ wouldn't have been able to play at the cultural festival," I added.

"And the kids wouldn't have gotten to see your reindeer act!" She seemed to regard this as a game now. "And Mikuru wouldn't have unleashed her superstar potential!"

"Right." My smile brightened as I watched the growing twinkle in her eyes. I guess this was one more reason why I would follow Haruhi to the ends of the Earth, and over the waterfalls that waited there: She could rebound so quickly from the deepest depths of despair. "That's why you can't just dismiss love completely. You never know where it can lead."

"You're right, Kyon." She slammed a fist down into her palm. "We've got to get the Computer President together with Kimidori, no matter what!"

My smile fell. "Wait, that's not what I -"

"We're going to meet tomorrow, and together we'll come up with a brilliant plan to bring those two together in the bond of true love, however long it may last. Against all odds, the computer nerd and the beautiful Student Council secretary will become boyfriend and girlfriend." She thrust her index finger at the skies. "It will be the most remarkable love story ever to take place in the halls of North High!"

This was just terrific. I brought her back from defeat only to send her rushing headlong against an immovable object. And I couldn't explain that Kimidori couldn't possibly fall in love without revealing more than Haruhi was ready to know. The only thing I could do was change the subject.

"Hey," I said. "You wanted me to tell you about Sasaki, right?"

"Oh, yeah," she said with sudden recollection. She didn't even seem to notice that this was the most awkward segue ever. "You promised me the whole story, so spill it, and don't leave out a single moment!"

If you think Haruhi was exaggerating, better think again. I told the story as thoroughly as I could, even recalling some of my conversations with Sasaki word for word, and Haruhi was still interrupting every twenty seconds to demand further elaboration on some point or other. It got so annoying that I started to contemplate the fact that, if Haruhi's parents had never fallen in love, and Haruhi didn't exist, I wouldn't have to recount long episodes of my life.

Then again, if Haruhi didn't exist, then her power would belong to Sasaki instead, so Sasaki's handlers would probably have approached me in middle school and told me I'd better stay friends with her to make sure she doesn't cause any earthquakes or tidal waves or contact lenses that fire laser beams. Except with Sasaki it wouldn't be earthquakes or tidal waves or laser beams; it would be much more boring things, like recessions or higher cancer rates. And I'd probably have to trade Miss Asahina for that Sneering Bastard. Perhaps worst of all, I'd have to trade my discussions and adventures with Haruhi for dozens more of Sasaki's philosophical rants.

Sorry, Sasaki. It's not that I don't like you, but I'm sticking with Haruhi and I don't regret that decision one bit.

Naturally, we were at Haruhi's house well before I finished going over my entire acquaintanceship with Sasaki. While I went over the time Sasaki came over my house and my sister let her into my room, Haruhi unlocked her door, stepped inside, and said "Come on in."

I followed. As I wrapped up the story (leaving out all mention of the situation with Fujiwara, Tachibana, and Kuyoh Suoh), Haruhi tossed her books aside and went into the kitchen, flicking on lights as she went. I guess her mother wasn't home yet.

"So, she said she was glad she came by, I saw her to the front door, and she left," I finished. "I still don't know what she wanted to ask me about."

Haruhi was taking things out of cupboards. "How did she leave?"

"She just waved goodbye and walked off," I shrugged, feeling a bit awkward standing in Haruhi's house without a formal invitation. I guess it was an improvement over my previous visit, when I had no invitation at all. "Didn't look back even once."

"Hmm. Here, chop these." She rolled some vegetables towards me.

"Ah..." This was odd in more ways than one. I wasn't sure how I felt about having dinner over at Haruhi's place, even knowing how appealing her cooking was. "Isn't it a bit early to be having dinner?"

"I want to have dinner ready before my Mom gets home. I like to have it waiting for her. You can have some, too, but only if you help out. And answer one question." She held the chopping knife out to me handle first, holding it by the blade. "Do you still have a crush on Sasaki?"

"I never had a crush on Sasaki. Why would you even think that?"

"No particular reason. I'm just wondering, for instance, what other explanation could there be for you knowing that she never looked back after she left your house."

...Crap.

Let me say, first of all, that I don't know why I watched Sasaki walking away from my house. Until Haruhi brought it up, it never even occurred to me how suspect that looked.

I had to come up with some reason, though. Haruhi was staring straight up at me and still holding out that knife like she was offering me the option of cutting out her heart.

No sense in making things overcomplicated. "I just thought it was a little weird, how she came over to ask me something and then never asked it. I was watching to see if I could maybe figure out what was up, but..." I shrugged.

"Get out."

"What?"

"I said get out." She put the knife back on the counter. "I shouldn't have invited you in in the first place. You're lying to me again, I can feel it."

Okay, this is just plain ridiculous. "You're nitpicking. The point is that all Sasaki and I ever did together was ride to cram school and talk. Just because I -"

"I said get out!"

And just like that, I was being pushed outside so fast that my feet couldn't get any traction. The door slammed behind me.

Funny thing: I was honestly thinking that telling Haruhi about Sasaki would clear up any suspicions she might have, and dispel the threat of closed space that had been looming for the past couple days. Real funny.

Needless to say, I wasn't going to pound on her door and beg to be let back in. So I turned and walked home.