Summary:

"But the most damning thing of all… If we pull this off…"

"I think, I could live with it…"

"And If I had to do it all over again… I would."

"Because, in the end, the blackened soul, guilty conscience, and broken heart of one Starfleet captain…. It's a small price to pay for the safety of my home… my people."

Author's Note:

To paraphrase Adam Savage... "I reject your canon and substitute my own."

However my T'Pol/Jonathan loving Muse won't let me write a story without including them

Set before Harbinger, however is slightly AU especially after Twilight.


T'Pol and Jonathan – In the Pale Moonlight.

Chapter 1 – Jonathan

"Computer begin recording. Captain's personal log, December… December…"

"Computer what is today's date?"

(Beep heard as the date is shown on the monitor)

"December 17th, 2153.… It's almost Christmas. Huh, fitting that I would be thinking of just how much more I'll… we'll have to sacrifice to make this mission a success."

"I need to talk about this. I have to justify what's happened... what I've done... at least to myself."

"I can't talk to anyone else... even T'Pol, especially not T'Pol… I can't burden her with this. Maybe if I just lay it all out, in my log, it'll finally make sense..."

(scoff)

"Yeah, I doubt it, but I do need to talk about it."

"The end of the year is almost here. I… god, how much more will I have to give up, how much more darkness can my soul take."

(Sigh)

"I'm not one to agonize about a decision. I know that once it's done… it's done. I can't go back to change it, so why worry."

"But this time, the cost of failure is so high…"

(Deep sigh)

"I used to be able to talk to T'Pol… Sub commander… sorry, commander T'Pol. I made her battlefield commission official last week."

"I couldn't stay… god how screwed up is that. I pinned the pips on her uniform and seeing the happy look in commander Tucker's eyes…. I congratulated her and made my escape."

"As I did, I swear I felt someone watching me, but I was too much of a coward, to look back. I went to the command center to study. I think I spend more time there than anywhere else…."

"I can't… I can't subject my people, my friends to this darkness, I feel growing in my soul. I can't bring them down… dammit, this is my personal log. I can't bring her down, I love her to much…."

"Yeah, me Jonathan Archer, the man who had a chip the size of Enterprise, about Vulcans."

"I fell in love, with my first officer over a year ago…. I always knew that the titles of Captain and First officer would keep us apart…."

"But I thought and hoped, there would be time for us… after Enterprise."

"However, I'd been hearing rumors about the commanders and I didn't want to believe it. But I heard Trip… commander Tucker talking to Mr. Reed. Apparently T'P… Commander T'Pol had been performing Vulcan Neuro-Pressure on him to help him sleep and… he seems to be developing feelings for her."

"I know that Vulcan's are touch telepaths… T'Pol would probably be surprised, at how much I learned about her people, after I realized the extent of my feelings for her. I know how important her traditions… her way of life, is to her. I had hoped that would make her happy… at least happy for a Vulcan."

"As I was saying, if he's developing feelings for her then she must know and be receptive to them. I, god…."

(deep breath)

"Before this suicide mission… no I can't think like that, the crew, is counting on me to get us through this. And the human race… our people are counting on us… hell if whomever the hell Daniels is, if he's right, the whole future is resting on my shoulders."

"I just wanted to explore, to see what was beyond the stars. However, I can't let my people, my race die. So, I, we push on."

"I keep circling back to my first officer, when I'm on duty. I can put it aside. Ha… the irony being I learned from her, how to compartmentalize everything. But off duty… if there is such a thing, for a captain, especially one on a mission as important as this one."

"I have nightmares… that I expected, and if that was it, it would be bad enough."

"But ever since we ran into that spatial anomaly and I had to help commander T'Pol get her trapped leg out."

"I've been having dreams. Dreams of a life with her, waking up with her by my side. Her beauty only growing as she gets older. I dreamed we had a child, a little girl. I dreamed…"

(clearing of someone's throat)

"I dreamed about a life, a life I've been wanting for the last year."

"It's worse than the nightmares, because it seems so real, not like a dream, but like memories… god I don't understand."

"What I wouldn't give to hear her softly call me by my given name… just like in my dreams. But I'll only ever be the captain, not Jonathan, not even her captain… just the captain, nothing more to her."

(long pause of dead air)

"I guess, I should get into the reason I'm talking about it now…. Yesterday, I was in my ready room, working on paperwork when my door chimed. There is usually only one person it could be, most everyone else has avoided coming to me. I have heard the names 'airlock Archer' or my favorite 'asshole Archer.'"

"I told them to enter…"


- (Flashback) -

T'Pol entered the captain's ready room. "Captain…"

"What can I do for you commander?" Archer asked, trying not to look at her too much, but can't ignore her. He looked up and saw the worry she's feeling.

"I'm growing concerned about you, captain."

Jon would have smiled, loving her directness, but he can't. "What do you mean? This is a difficult mission for all of us, commander."

"That's another thing. You don't call me by my name anymore…"

"I didn't realize that was a concern for you."

"But you admit that you're doing it…"

"Yes, I just need… I felt it best to separate…. I think it would be easier for all of us, if I just called you commander, from now on. Besides I've never heard you call me anything other than 'captain', even off duty. It would be only logical for me to do the same. Wouldn't you agree?"

"I, don't know… I call you captain because that's what you are…"

Jon felt his heart actually ache when she said that, that he'll only ever be the captain… nothing more. "Yes, and I felt it best to do the same."

"Is that also true of commander Tucker?"

"Have you two been comparing notes on me?" Jon asked with as much lightheartedness as he could muster.

"Yes."

Jon looked down to work on his PADD so she wouldn't see the pain and hurt in his eyes. "Well, this mission requires our utmost, and I think I should try to separate myself a little, from the rest of the crew. I know we all have our burdens and troubles sleeping." Jon winced mentally; he didn't mean to mention that.

"If you are having troubles sleeping…"

"Commander, I'd feel pretty safe in saying, most of us are having trouble sleeping." 'except maybe the two of you… Don't go there, please, don't push it.'

"Have you talked to Dr. Phlox?"

"I don't like sleeping aids, and I can't use them. I can't be so deeply asleep, that I miss an emergency. Nor can I be groggy, when I do wake up. Too much is riding on my shoulders… this crew's shoulders."

"I might have a solution…"

"No offence commander, but I doubt you would have time to do that."

"…"

"I assume you are talking about Neuro-Pressure?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"There isn't much that happens on this ship, that I don't find out about. Anyway, like I said, I doubt you have time to do that. Besides, your duties are more important than making sure I get a full 8 hours… plus I wouldn't want to interrupt your private time."

"I…"

"Commander, I sincerely appreciate you doing your duty as the ship's first officer, but I'll be okay. I'm just adjusting to everything… like everyone."

Jonathan watches as she seems to be lost in her head, for a few minutes, that concerns him. When he sees that she's aware. He asks, "Commander, maybe I should ask you, if you are okay."

"I'm fine, captain. I just haven't had a lot of opportunities to meditate…"

Jon growing a little more concerned. "Would you like to take the time now? To go, and do that? We seem to be alone right now and not due for a week at our next location."

"No, I'll just take some extra time to meditate this evening."

"Okay, but if you change your mind, just let me know. I don't want you to suffer, you are important to… the crew." Jon almost said me but changed it. "Anyway, I should get back to this paperwork. So, if there's nothing else?"

"Uh, no I don't believe so. Captain."

Jon watched out of the corner of his eyes, as she seems to reluctantly leave.

- (End Flashback) -


"I didn't expect anything more to come of that conversation. However today…."

(deep sigh)

"From what I understand, T'Pol, asked commander Tucker about me, and told him about our conversation. I believe she's trying to understand what's changed."

"I wish they had left it alone."

(Deep sigh, followed by a moment of dead air)

"After another night in the command center, trying to make sense of the information we've gathered from Degra, the primary weapon designer."

(Deep sigh)

"I made my way back here to get a few fitful hours of sleep, when I could hardly keep my eyes open."

"I arrived for my shift early, like I've been doing lately. As captain I've always tried to be a little early for my shift, but not as early has I've been lately."

"Part of it is I worry that something could happen, if I'm not there. But mostly it's because I can't seem to get more than a few hours of sleep."

"When I wake up, it's either gasping for breath due to a nightmare… or worse, happy because of the dreams with T'Pol… it hurts when I wake up alone in a cold empty room."

"I made my way into my ready room and contacted Chef asking him to have someone bring me some toast."

"I find my appetite isn't what it used to be. Somedays, I have a hard time even finishing that."

"I've been avoiding the captain's mess as much as I can. I don't want to see the two commanders in a private setting, if I can help it."

"Over the years I've gotten pretty good at reading T'Pol. And Trip has never been a mystery…. I don't want to see the beginnings of their relationship."

(Deep sigh, followed by a short time of dead air)

"Anyway, about midway through the morning. Commander Tucker came to the bridge. I was all set to head to my ready room, so I can avoid seeing him flirt with commander T'Pol."

"He'd started doing that much more seriously, the last couple of weeks. I'm not sure she realizes it or not."

"However, a look at commander Tuckers face he seems upset and a little mad."

"That's not a look I've seen in a while. I had assumed that something happened in engineering, and he needed to talk to me about it. So, I wasn't surprised when he asked to speak to me privately."


- (Flashback) -

"That's fine commander Tucker, my ready room. Commander T'Pol, you have the bridge."

"Yes captain."

Jonathan heard a tone from her, he's not sure he'd ever heard from her before.

He looks over and sees an uneasy look on her face as she looks at Tucker.

He shook it off and turned to head to his ready room. He could feel Tucker behind him.

As they get into the room, Jon walked around to sit down. "What seems to be the trouble?"

"You are…"

That surprised Jon, "Me? What about me?"

"I don't understand, why you are pulling away from everyone. And T'Pol is worried about you, and you hurt her feelings…."

"Hold on, wait, what are you talking about?"

"She told me that you are…" Tucker seem to stop and mentally withdraw.

"I am what?" Jon asked, but he can feel his own anger starting to build.

"She… and I don't see you as much as we used to."

"Commander Tucker, I have a lot of things going on. I am doing my best to make sure this mission is successful."

"Bullshit, you are avoiding us."

"So, what if I am… let me ask you something?"

Jon waited until he received a nod.

"Would this conversation have been last night when you were in her quarters in an intimate setting performing Neuro-pressure?"

To say that Tucker was surprised would be an understatement.

"Are you spying on us? How could you…!"

Jon let his own anger simmer and waited until Tucker finished speaking. "No, I would never spy on you or her. You really should pay more attention to your surroundings, when you talk to Mr. Reed, about your private time. Especially when it's against the rules."

"What do you mean?"

"The fraternization rules."

"What about it?"

Jon shook his head, either Tucker doesn't know how it works, or he's ignoring it. "You do know that she is the first officer, correct?"

When he received a nod, he continued, "That means she's your direct supervisor. Just because you usually report to me, the rules clearly state that on this ship, she's the supervisor of everyone, but me."

Jon could see the argument brewing in Tucker's eyes, so Jon held up his hand to forestall anything. "Having said that, I've known about this for some time, and was planning to not say or do anything. All I ask, is you both keep it out of the public place… I don't want to know."

"So why does that mean, you need to pull away…" Jon could see Trip trying to figure it out.

"I told you, this mission is important… and some of us don't get the luxury of having help with the stress. I have the entire mission, the ship and her crews' lives, riding on my shoulders. I can't afford to make any mistakes. I can't afford to be distracted by things that I can't change…" 'damn, Jon thought, his anger is making him say things he didn't want to say.' Jon mentally winced at how loud his voice got knowing with her hearing T'Pol could likely hear what he'd said. He needs to end this conversation soon.

"You like… no you love her, don't you?" Tucker suddenly said, looking intently at Jon.

Jon couldn't help the flinch that came. He'd not been expecting anyone to pick up on that. Jon stood and turned away, to look out of the window. He quietly said, "It doesn't matter."

He should have denied it… but he's so tired and worn down, he couldn't even fight it anymore.

"Yes, it does… why didn't you say anything? I know you Jon, you don't fall easy. How long?"

"It doesn't matter. Is there anything else, besides that, you wanted to speak about? No, then dismissed commander."

"Jon…"

"I said dismissed commander."

After a little while, Jon heard Trip softly say "I'm so sorry Jon." Then walk out the door.

- (End Flashback) -


"I sat back down after commander Tucker left the room. My thoughts all over the place. I can't believe he was able to read me so easily."

"No that doesn't surprise me, he'd been my friend for a long time, and he'd been able to read me as well as I can read him."

"I had no idea what he planned to do with that information."

"Having said that, what he appeared to do still surprised me…"


- (Flashback) -

Jon sat in his ready room for half an hour just looking out his window watching the stars streak past. Then he turned to finish up the paperwork he had for the day.

It was at her usual time when commander T'Pol contacted him to let him know she was going to lunch.

That caused another flash of pain, lately she'd been asking if he would join her… but not today. She must have been told about the conversation he had with Tucker.

Not that he could blame him. Jon has had to stifle several jealous urges when others have shown an interest in T'Pol. He can't very well expect Trip not to have the same thing.

He just acknowledged her, with as normal a voice as he could muster.

He continued to do busy work. Waiting until T'Pol was back on the bridge then he'd make his escape to the command center.

He's not likely to be bothered there. Most everyone seems to avoid the room when he's there.

He sees how crewmembers will silently walk by heads down. Or some will stop and turn the other way.

That had hurt, at first, but after a while, he'd grown used to it.

Somedays it doesn't even bother him much anymore… somedays.

Right before Jon was about to head to the command center. He hasn't even bothered to lie saying he's going to get lunch anymore.

Besides Jon knows if they need to get ahold of him, they would need to know where he is.

"Phlox to Captain Archer…"

"Archer here." Jon wondered what this is about, as far as he knows the sick bay is empty. He hadn't been told of any injuries.

However, Jon is doing his best to avoid the doctor. He knows that if the doctor knew just how much he'd been skipping eating and sleeping… this mission is all he has left.

He's sacrificing everything for it.

If that gets taken away….

"Captain I need to see you in sickbay, as soon as possible."

"What's this in regard of doctor?" Jon knows that the good doctor won't fall for it, and the doctor can override him… the only one on the ship who can.

"It's regarding the well fair of a crewmember."

"Very well, I'll be there shortly." Jon closed the channel and took a deep breath; he doesn't buy the vagueness of the reason. Jon is very sure someone has informed the doctor, likely either of the commanders.

Jon wanted to be upset at whomever, but he knows that if he were in their shoes, he would do the same thing.

However, he can't run, because there is a small chance it could be about someone else. But even if it's not, he… can't ignore his doctor.

Jon took a few seconds to breathe deep and try to shake off his current mood. He can't show his crew just how much he's hurting.

"What's the old expression… 'Never let them see you bleed.'" Jon mutters to himself as he gets up to head to sickbay.

He walks out and glances over to the science station. She's there, she glances up and he looks away before he can try to figure out what she's thinking. "Commander, I've been called to sickbay."

"Very well captain."

Jon can hear a hint of surprise in her voice. He takes that to mean she's not the one to talk to Phlox, come to think about it, here lately she's been a little distant to Phlox as well.

Jon sets that to the side as he heads to the turbolift. He looks back and for just a split second the pain and longing he's feeling, shows on his face as he looks at her.

He's thankful that Mr. Reed wasn't paying attention since he's the only one that could see.

He heads to sickbay and walks in. He so badly wanted to take his time, but he's the captain, he can't put it off.

"Doctor?"

"Ah captain please come in."

"If it's all the same I'll stand here, what did you need?" Jon knows from sickbay being empty that his concerns are right, this is about him.

"But captain… I would rather have this conversation in private…"

"Doctor, there isn't anyone else here, so just say what you want to say, so I can get back to work." Jon said trying to keep the anger out of his voice. He keeps telling himself that the doctor is his friend and is concerned about him. The doctor is doing his duty, just as he'd counted on him to do for the last three years.

"Very well, it has come to my attention that you have been neglecting yourself. You have been pushing yourself to hard and withdrawing from your friends and support…"

"So?"

"I don't understand, you need support you need to eat and sleep and to reduce your stress…"

"What did commander Tucker tell you?"

"I, uh…"

"Doctor I'm not an idiot, it could have only been one of two people on this ship."

"Actually, several crewmembers have approached me about their concerns for you."

"Okay, well in case you might not have noticed, we are literally in the fight for our lives. We have to succeed in this mission. Or my home, my people will pay for it. I don't have time to hold hands and talk about feelings. I can't dwell on things… I can't change."

"Regardless captain, you need to take better care of yourself. Before I'm forced to remove you from command."

"Doctor… I do understand your concerns and I will do my best to… take care of myself, but let me ask you something in all honesty between you and I…"

Jon continues after Phlox nods looking a little perplexed.

"Okay, so I'm very well aware that you can override me in certain matters, but what if I refuse to do it? With my race, hell if Daniels is to be believed, the future is in the balance. Do you think Star Fleet command is going to care, if I lose myself, on this mission? As long as it gets completed.

"I… uh…" Jon saw almost panic on his face as Phlox realized what he'd said might actually be true.

"Look Phlox, I know you are doing your job. I know we are friends. I'm not planning on ignoring your medical orders… I just, I can't fail, and if we succeed and I can get everyone home… then it'd be worth whatever price I'd have to pay. Even if the crew hates me, even if T'P… even if my senior staff can't stand me, by the time this is over. I won't care if I get put in the brig and they threw away the key."

Jon shakes his head softly. "I have to do what I think will best complete the mission. I have to keep my crew… my friends from following me into the darkness. So please, take care of my crew, but don't worry about me."

Jon didn't wait, he turned to walk out of the room. He headed to the command center.

He shook his head; he'd once again, said to much. The doctor probably thinks he's suicidal now. But it can't be helped.

As soon as he reaches the command center. He contacts Hoshi and lets her know he's in the command center if he's needed.

"Hoshi, are you going to be busy later?"

"Not that I planned on?"

"Could you stop by my quarters and walk Porthos later. I'm going to be busy here."

"Uh, sure, I guess." Jon could hear the hesitation in her voice.

"Thanks, if you are busy, just let me know." Jon asked, he'd mastered, sounding like he used to when talking to his crew.

Jon hung his head as he sat down in front of the displays and just let go for a few moments. He feels trapped and knows it's all his fault.

Everything that's happened is on him. His feelings for her is on him.

Hell, if what Daniels said is true, the Xindi attacking earth might as well be his fault too.

He's not sure how much more weight his shoulders can take.

Knowing that the doctor is monitoring him, but more than that, he told Phlox, he'd try to take better care of himself. And no matter how black his soul gets; he wants to at least be known for keeping his word.

He orders a light supper from the galley, it's early but if he has it around, he can nibble on it, through out the evening.

Who knows, he might be able to eat more then he usually does, that way.

He starts to study the data, and only stops when the crewman brings him the food. Jon thanks him and does his best to put the crewmen at ease.

To act like he used to before this mission.

As the crewmen left, Jon's smile dropped and he again muttered to himself, as he turned back to the display. "Never let them see you bleed."

- (End Flashback) -


"I wish…"

(Deep sigh)

"I wish they hadn't pushed it… I was okay pretending I was fine, with them doing whatever they wanted, in their private time. I just don't want to know. I could continue trying to ignore it that way. Not that it wasn't painfully clear to see. Not that I can't… not listen to what's going on, on my ship. I need to know, regardless of how much it kills me."

"I do miss them; I miss having dinner with them. I miss talking to her, discussing… debating anything and everything. I think… no I know, her intelligence is one of several reasons I love her."

"God, I miss her so much…"

"I miss my friendship with Trip to."

"I should just tell Trip, that I just can't be around them, right now, it's to raw and painful. This mission is to important."

"I can't, not right now, maybe after, if we all survive this… god I hope we all survive this."

"I'm not sure how many more of my crew, my people… I can lose, before I'm completely broken."

"I've found myself doing things I would never have done before. I've put someone in the airlock and started to depressurize it so they would give me information."

"I've messed with another man's head to also get information, then erased what we'd… what I'd done to him. As I played like we'd been friends."

"I ordered a clone made of commander Tucker… of one of my oldest friends, just so we could harvest a body part to get him back."

"I've allowed my crew, my friends to be put in dangerous situations just on the off chance it might lead to the weapon… that is likely a suicide for us all."

"I had to destroy a ship of Vulcans and couldn't do anything to save them. I was barely able to save T'Pol… god, that is one of the worst nightmares, hearing the screams of the Vulcans and knowing that she could have been one of them."

"God… if I lose her… It would break me, for sure."

"Well I guess I have lost her, but at least now she's still here, I can still be near her, blessing and curse that it is. As long as she's… happy, well for her, then I can't and won't interfere."

(Long space of dead air)

"They say the road to hell, is paved with good intentions…"

"I'd say I've now paved quite a bit, of my road to hell."

"But I'd committed myself… I'd pay any price, go any lengths to save my home…"

"Because my intentions… were good, and in the beginning…. I thought that would be enough…."

"But… I've lied, I've cheated… and I'm sure if need be, I'll steal. But I have to finish this mission."

"I have to keep my eye on the ball, stop the weapon, save my home. The human race, my people, are counting on it."

"So, I push on. And every time another doubt, appears before me. Every time I have to commit another action that blackens my soul…"

"I just find another way, to shove it aside."

"I am, at best, an accessory to crimes I would have, had anyone else arrested for."

(Long space of dead air)

"But the most damning thing of all… If we pull this off…"

"I think, I could live with it…"

"And If I had to do it all over again… I would."

"Because, in the end, the blackened soul, guilty conscience, and broken heart of one Starfleet captain…. It's a small price to pay for the safety of my home… my people."

"So, I will learn to live with it…"

"Because I can live with it…"

"I can…"

"Computer… erase that entire personal log."

(Beep, then a blank screen)


Jon set down, the empty glass that held the whiskey, he'd been sipping while doing his log. He only allows himself one glass. Anymore, and it would be too easy to not stop.

He has a job to do.

He reached over to rub Porthos's head. "Sorry boy, I can't stay… I have to go back to the command center. I just, I needed to talk about it."

He got up and feeling far older than his physical age, he walked towards the door.

He almost didn't register the bathroom door open.

But he felt her and heard her softly call out. "Jonathan…"


Author's Note:

Planning on 3 chapters.

Not totally sold on the title and wouldn't mind any thoughts you all have on better titles.