A/N Welcome To Heartbreak High! This was originally meant to be a Glee crossover, but the Glee characters never really took on a life of their own. It's funnier if you know that show, but it isn't necessary. Like the show, the characters randomly, and often inappropriately, burst into song. Just go with it. The first season is already written and will be updated every Saturday. I'm planning 12 "episodes." If there's enough interest, I'll write season two. Fair warning, this is blatantly sarcastic and may only be funny to my bleeding heart. Also, this is dedicated to Uppity Bitch because she spoon fed me ideas throughout the original writing. Enjoy!

Song From this Episode
Daphne Rubin Vega – Never Gonna Be Your Baby

Warning: While this story is largely satirical, it does contain references to, and several scenes depicting, domestic violence resulting from the tragedy of erectile dysfunction. There will be references to emotional and religious abuse of a child, as well as child abandonment, both of which will be related to either gender identity or sexual orientation. The resulting mental health issues that stem from this abuse will be discussed in "A Very Special Episode." This story will also feature teen pregnancy. Finally, I will candidly address the heartbreak of q-tip addiction. If these are triggers for you, please seek therapy.

Episode One: My Heart's a Hole Under My Skin

August 2025

"New York City: Center of the universe," Caroline Forbes quoted Jonathan Larson's iconic musical. Musicals were quoted often around Hudson High for the Performing Arts in Manhattan. Caroline and her secret boyfriend, Klaus Mikaelson, were seniors. Today was the first day of what everyone referred to as "classes." However, it was well known on campus that the Headmaster and Headmistress didn't exactly ascribe to a standard curriculum. Though they now owned a school together, Will Schuester had once been Rachel Berry's glee coach in Lima, Ohio… wherever that was.

Caroline was a city girl now. She and her best friends, Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert, had come together from a nothing town called Mystic Falls, VA when vocal coaches Kurt and Blaine Anderson-Hummel had come to see their production of, "Zanna Don't: A Musical Fairytale." Smitten with Stefan's well-styled hair, they'd invited all three to come to New York at the start of their junior year. They lived with Damon, Stefan's drunken loser of a brother, on the lower east side. He'd blown through the family fortune before he was old enough to drink the booze he now served as a bartender in Queens' slummiest strip club. Every shift was a painful reminder of his very karmic erectile dysfunction. Caroline lived with her mom, Liz, but she snuck off to see Klaus as often as she could… such as this moment in his bedroom before she'd have to sneak out and catch a subway three blocks over to avoid being seen together sans the rest of their circle.

"Times are shitty, but I'm pretty sure they can't get worse," the teenage heartthrob quoted the next line. Caroline sighed at him sadly. They'd been over this a million times. Klaus was trapped in a very fake relationship with a very big lesbian, Davina Claire. Born in New Orleans, Louisiana, she was now America's Sweetheart. Two years ago, she became the youngest singer to win 'The Voice' at only thirteen years old. Klaus had been fifteen when his little brother, Kol, came in second. Klaus had been teaching Kol some chords on his electric guitar when Davina just happened to stop by.

The paparazzi caught an adorable photo of the threesome, but Kol never made headlines. When he got cropped, Klavina broke the internet. Glad to have Sue Sylvester, the coach from hell, off her back about upping her "sex-appeal", the thirteen-year-old virgin stayed on Klaus' arm… and in the closet. After all the obligatory performances, and after an unfortunate photo surfaced involving ranch dressing, a pipe wrench and the elderly judge from the hit 1970s TV show, 'Daggers A Plenty,' Kol had returned to London. Klaus had transferred to Hudson to stay with Davina, who was now a sophomore... and still in hiding. Fortunately, Klaus was a year older than the small-town singers, which meant he was 18 and now had his own apartment. Unfortunately, he'd been a bit of a bad boy in Britain and gotten himself held back a year in middle school. The raven-haired popstar was the opposite as a chronic over-achiever.

Davina came from a rather odd family with even odder religious views. Singing on Sundays was her way to cope. Also unfortunately, or perhaps just fortunately, she'd been disowned after she auditioned for The Voice as her family believed her vocal talents came from Satan. Sharing them on television was something akin to devil worship for mee-maw and pappy Claire. It was almost entirely for that very heart wrenching reason that Sue made damn sure Davina ended up on her team after the knockouts. After getting booted out of Washington D.C. when Führer Trump came to power, Sue blackmailed the President of Fox Network, Principal Figgins (known colloquially as P-Fig), into landing her a chair despite never having released an album of her own. Sue had been fully prepared to rig the vote, but Davina won of her own accord.

Once the hype died down and it was time for the pop princess to go back to school, Will reached out to his old frenemy and offered up a scholarship for America's cutest couple. She'd been taken in by Brittany and Santana Lopez-Pierce, the school's dancing and acting coaches. Klaus' older brother, Elijah, had initially come to New York at the start of Klaus' junior year, but left once his wife, Katerina Petrova, got a nude modeling contract in Bulgaria. The almost legal pop singer had rented an apartment in a building owned by The Gemini under his brother's name to avoid returning to London and sacrificing his record deal. His album, "The Original Hybrid," had gone multi-platinum when he dropped its lead single, "Always and Forever."

While his career was skyrocketing, apparently his sins were racking up as well. Klaus later learned The Gemini were a fanatical religious cult with a strange obsession. While he hadn't stayed in the building long after several members showed up to exorcise him using holy water contained in sealed straws, he'd managed to make friends with Kai Parker before getting the hell out of dodge. Klaus was aware that Kai's father, Ben, was some kind of preacher on television, but he'd never watched the show.

Kai had confided in Klaus that The Gemini believed the blood of Christ was tainted when it underwent mystical transubstantiation. To protect their followers from Satan's spell, wine had to be consumed through a plastic straw as it was heresy to touch lips or skin. To share this knowledge was to blaspheme The Gemini. As far as the followers outside the Parker line were concerned, the tiny straws were for purposes of divine sanitation.

Concerned that Kai might be going insane when his friend offered him a straw with a handwritten Bible verse before a big day in the studio a few weeks after he'd moved out, Klaus got him an audition with Will to get him out of homeschool hell. He'd been accepted immediately, but The Gemini were, of course, vehemently opposed. Ten minutes with Rachel Berry was enough for Ben Parker to change his tune. The religious zealot would have sold his soul to the devil just to get her out of his church during communion prep. It was a lot of work to collect enough plastic straws for all of his unsuspecting followers. Kai was only sixteen, but he'd flown through homeschool and was a senior alongside his first friend outside the family.

The Gemini's story had eerie similarities to Klaus' fake girlfriend, so he'd introduced the pair and they'd all become fast friends. Davina's first few weeks were rough as the world had such high expectations of the pint-sized superstar. Caroline had told her in no uncertain terms to get the fuck over herself and come hangout at The Abattoir with the D-list. She'd had so much fun at the tacky horror-themed karaoke bar that Brittany and Santana hadn't even bitched at her for coming in after her self-imposed curfew of 8:00pm.

Delighted to finally have girlfriends, albeit the platonic kind, Davina had gone back every night that week. Wherever she went, Klaus and Kai weren't far behind. By Friday, the two blonde songsters were swapping sheet music… much to the dismay of Caroline's biggest fan, Tyler Lockwood. He was one of those guys that auditioned for the school every year, but never made it past open calls. Caroline had slept with him a few times out of pity and he'd stuck to her like glue. It had taken her three months to shake him since she couldn't exactly tell him she was sharing a mic with America's Sweetheart… not that Klavina had done any singing.

"We wouldn't have to hide if you'd cut your hair when Sue told you to," Caroline sighed as she lay down on Klaus' bare chest. Unfortunately for New Direction's star nightingales, Sue Sylvester knew the truth about Davina's preferred key. Sue held it over all of their heads that there was a morality clause in Davina's record contract. If America found out Klaus' rocket to riches was lit by a lie, they would both go down in giant rainbow flames.

Klaus rolled his eyes and reached for his jet-black Henley. "I refuse to go cue-ball because Sue finds my curls reminiscent of a young Will Schuester," he asserted firmly in his British lilt. Caroline turned to him with a pout when he pulled the soft fabric over the hard planes of his abdomen, his hand gently pulling hers away from his rosary and wolf's tooth necklace on the way.

"I don't know why you wear that," she said petulantly as she fiddled with the black prayer beads under his shirt. "You're not even Catholic."

"No, but Kai seems to think it's important, and since he's my best mate, I wear it." The Gemini cult reject had given it to him when Klaus had refused to carry around one of his hand scripted Bible verse straws in his pocket to ward off the devil. In Kai's defense, Klaus had originally told Caroline that Sue had made a house call that day, which was true... and also frequent. She was now programmed in all of their Xiaomis simply as, "Evil Bitch."

Klaus took Caroline's hand and kissed it. She narrowed her eyes at him when he gave her his famous charming dimpled smile. She knew that smile. He was trying to distract her so that they didn't have the same conversation for the millionth time. "It's not all that different than this," he said, affectionately flicking a small silver sword she wore on a chain dangling just above her exposed breasts.

Caroline's hand flew to the necklace. "Duh," she sassed. "Stefan, Elena and I all wear one because we're the three musketeers. Hell-o!"

"Does that make me D'Artagnan?" he asked with an easy smile as he compared himself to the honorary fourth musketeer.

Caroline snorted. "Only if that means Damon is Milady," she snarked as she referred to the evil bitch of the story.

"Why is that, love?" Klaus teased as he pulled her to him for a playful kiss. "I try to be cute, and you reject my charms with talk of the villain?"

Caroline returned his kiss briefly before rising to find her bra. "He's a bigger piece of shit than any fictional bad guy, I assure you." There was venom in her normally bubble-gum voice. "Elena called me crying last night."

The humor dropped off Klaus' Hollywood handsome face. "That's the third night this week. It's getting worse."

Caroline's anger grew with each article of clothing she pulled on… and she was up to her strappy sandals. "Abusers don't get better, babe."

Klaus pulled on his boots and stood to wrap his arms around Caroline's waist. He pecked her on the lips and sighed as he tucked a blonde tendril behind her ear. "The doppelganger would be welcome to stay here if she's ready to leave."

Caroline rolled her eyes. "She isn't my doppelganger."

"Elena is to you as Kaleb is to Kol," he replied quickly as he compared them to his little brother's best friend back home. "Your looks may be incomparable, but you're like the exact same person." Holding a finger over her cherry lips to halt her protestations, he added, "Either way, my offer stands."

The blonde beauty scoffed and pulled away. "Yeah, I'm sure that'd go over really well with the fans. I can see it now: 'The End of Klavina: How The Prince of Pop Broke America's Sweetheart's Sweet Heart.' Story after Führer Trump's Daily Tweet."

"I do wish they would stop calling me that," he grimaced with an eye roll. "The entire purpose of naming my album 'The Original Hybrid' was to highlight the duality of both my pop and rock vocal stylings." He shook his head side to side in grim resignation. "Regardless, that's a terrible headline, and the only sweetheart here is you."

Caroline rolled her eyes dramatically. "Seriously?" she asked with an arched brow.

Klaus handed her a Louis Vuitton Prism backpack that she carried around as part of her swag contract. It certainly wasn't for Hudson, unless sheet music and pitch pipes counted as school supplies. She wasn't exactly topping the charts, but she'd been in several music videos, including three of Davina's. She'd also sung backup for both of their albums. Still, the bubbly blonde longed for a contract of her own. "You are all my lovelies," he said sweetly, tapping a long and calloused finger on her perfect button nose. "However, I'm sure Elena would also be welcome at Davina's if Brittany and Santana were to learn of Damon's true nature."

Caroline handed him his Hermes wallet and hmphed. "The last thing that house needs is another woman. I'm afraid if I spend too much time there, I'll go rainbow."

Klaus smirked at her, his dimples making her breath catch in her velvet throat. He crowded her against the wall and pinned her in place with his hips. Winding his fingers in her hair, he pulled her to him with his free hand. "I wouldn't worry about that," he whispered huskily into her mouth, lips grazing hers before he kissed her deeply.

Caroline kissed him back before pulling away to look him in the eyes, sparkling sapphire on crystalline topaz. "Well, I'm pretty sure Elena isn't going to leave Damon's shithole unless Stefan tells his brother he's-" The young singer had to choke down a gasp and quickly turn it into a coughing fit. Elena wasn't going to leave as long as she was in love with Stefan… but Klaus didn't know that. Nobody did… except the three musketeers.

"Are you alright, love?" he asked, concerned about her sudden cough as it could damage her valuable vocal cords. He'd been pushing his producers to give her a record deal as much as he could without giving his love for her away.

Caroline coughed a few more times for good measure before nodding her head. "Yeah, sorry. Tickle in my throat."

Klaus' lip quirked up in a lecherous smirk, devious dimples on display. "I may be responsible for that," he whispered into her ear before nibbling on her lobe.

Caroline gave in for a moment and melted into him, but eventually she pulled away. He felt way too good for this close to the first bell. "I was just saying I don't think Elena is ready to leave, yet." She sighed again before adding sadly, "Although, I do wish Davina would find some cute girl to bring home. As it stands, I'm never gonna be your baby."

Klaus groaned when he heard the rocky music of Daphne Rubin-Vega's song mysteriously begin playing in the background. "God, you just said a lyric, didn't you?"

Caroline shrugged as she opened the door to his third-floor apartment. She straddled the balcony of the fire escape and began singing in a sultry rock voice. "I wipe my face every morning, wet thoughts of you in my bed. No one can know my obsession, and the dreams that spin in my head. It smells of crime. It smacks of sin. I lose a little more each time I give in."

Klaus' complaints died in his mouth when Caroline danced him up against the brick walls and rolled her hips in a stripper move as she sang the chorus. "But I'm never gonna be your baby. Only heaven knows the reasons why; and you're never gonna know the way I feel: to need you, to want you all over."

"Caroline," Klaus interrupted, the music magically pausing. "I literally know exactly how you feel. We go back and forth with this all the time. If you want to-"

He didn't get the chance to finish his offer before the music returned. "Your body's my secret chapel," she started, running her hands up and down his sculpted sides. "I pray to you every day. No one can hear my confession, or take this burden away. My heart's a hole under my skin. I lose a little more each time you reach in, but I'm never gonna be your baby. Only heaven knows the reasons why, and you're never gonna know the way I feel: to need you, to want you all over."

The blonde singer missed the entire next verse as she was too busy pushing him in the apartment and pushing him on the bed. She was aroused, yes, but also Kai's straws had a way of appearing out of thin air anytime something Biblical came up. They'd barely gotten out alive after the first chorus. This time, she wasn't taking any chances as she climbed on top of him and dragged her nails down his chest provocatively. He eagerly returned the favor, scratching at the sensitive spots he knew just how to find.

Caroline leaned down and grazed her cherry lips against his stubbled jaw as she sang the refrain while grinding on top of him. "The boundaries blur. The lines get thin. Don't even know where you end and I begin." Before his tongue made it to her mouth, she popped off of him and bounced out to the fire escape. The sexy singer chased after her, but she was already climbing down as she sang the final chorus, leaving him to watch her while leaning over the rail. "But I'm never gonna be your baby. Only heaven knows the reasons why, and you're never gonna know the way I feel: to need you, to want you all over. I'm never gonna be your baby. Only heaven knows the reasons why, and you're never gonna know the way I feel: to need you, to want you all over."

Frustrated by the entire situation, he ran his fingers through his messy blonde curls and walked back inside. Picking up his phone, he growled at the screen.

From: Evil Bitch

YOU HAVE UNTIL 5:00 TO CHOOSE: YOUR HAIR OR YOUR SECRET. MAKE YOUR CHOICE ROCKSTAR. SS

Accompanying the text was a blurry picture of Caroline on his fire escape. It was nowhere near enough to prove impropriety… or even prove popstar… but Sue's ultimatum was clear. If he had to choose between Davina and Caroline… it wasn't a choice at all.

A/N And there you have it. The weirdest crack fic of all time. Is there a KC Award for that? Let me know what you thought!