"Sarah, can you hear me?" the voice was muffled but familiar. "Doctor McLean, she's waking up," Webb called louder.

Mac forced her eyes open and realized that she was in a hospital bed.

"Colonel Mackenzie, I'm Doctor McLean. You suffered a severe panic attack and we had to sedate you." He stood beside her bed and smiled down at her. "You'll be okay, but probably a little groggy for a bit."

"How's Captain Rabb?" Mac spotted the clock on the wall across the room and quickly did the math in her head. She'd been out for several hours.

"I was told that would be your first question. He's stable, his vital signs have been improving little by little and Doctor Richardson feels he's heading in a positive direction, though he's not entirely out of danger yet."

She tried to sit up and felt a strange pull in her arm.

"Easy does it. You still have an IV in, and you've got about another hour until it'll be done. I'm afraid you'll have to stay here until it's finished."

"But…"

"We're just down the hall from his room. If anything happens, they'll let us know. Just rest for now," Webb said from the foot of her bed. Doctor McLean nodded and wandered away.

"Clay, I…" She stopped herself and realized that her head was still swimming so arguing about staying in bed was probably a losing battle. Even if she were able to get up at this point, she didn't think she'd be able to stay upright more than a few seconds. "Thank you, Clay. For being here and for trying to find out what happened. I know you don't want to be here."

"Sarah, you don't have to thank me for any of this. I want to do whatever I can to help."

Mac scoffed. "No, you don't. You and Harm can barely tolerate being in the same building as one another." Mac shot back as she shifted so that she was sitting up a little more.

"Well, that's what tends to happen when you have two alpha males competing over one female. We eventually learned to play nice. More or less."

Mac looked down at her hands as she spoke now. "I'm sorry I hurt you Clay."

"Don't." he answered simply. "Sarah, you need to stop beating yourself up over the men in your life. I went into our relationship with my eyes wide open. I knew that you were in love with Rabb and fighting the inevitable. At the time I may have convinced myself that I had a shot, but I knew you and he were endgame."

"Guess you missed the mark on that one."

"Sarah, and don't get all huffy about this question, but how many men have you been with since you and Rabb split up?"

"That's not any of your business." she replied, her face flushing with a combination of anger and embarrassment that he would even ask her such a question, especially now, with everything that was happening.

"I'm willing to bet the number is zero. You've probably been out on a few first dates, maybe even a second date or two, but I'd put down money that you haven't been with anyone else physically. Because you're still with him emotionally. You may not have walked down an aisle or put on a ring, but you're still committed to being his wife in your mind."

"I didn't realize you'd switched your area of expertise from espionage to psychology." Mac kept her eyes on her hands as she spoke.

"Weekend hobby," he teased her back. "It's the same for him, you know." He walked around the end of the bed and sat beside her legs, facing her. "Mac, Harm hasn't been involved with anyone since you, not even a first date. As far as he's concerned, you are his wife and you have been since you guys moved to San Diego."

"You can't know that. Not for certain."

"Actually, I can." Clay pulled an envelope from his coat pocket and looked at it. "He'll be pissed as all hell that I'm showing you this, but you need to see it." He held the envelope out to her.

"What is it?"

"A letter Harm gave me about a year ago. I had to interview someone on the Allegiance and before I left, we had some time to talk. We hashed a lot of stuff out. We realized we had a lot more in common than not."

"Like the fact that the same woman screwed up both your lives?" she asked bitterly. But the venom wasn't directed towards him or Harm. This mess was all on her.

"Stop it." He looked down at the letter, his name scrawled on the front was the only identifying characteristic of the envelope. "He asked me to read this if he was ever killed in action. When we got the initial report of what had happened on the Allegiance, he had been initially listed as killed rather than being in critical condition, so I did what I had promised. You should read it."

Mac took the envelope hesitantly and slid the letter out. She opened it and felt her chest tighten seeing Harm's handwriting.

Clay,

If you've opened this, you've received word that I've been killed. Hazards of the of the job, right?

Mac will know by now; she's my next of kin so, unless you were the one who did me in, the Navy would have notified her before you caught wind of it. Be there for her, please. I know that I have no right to ask, but if she still cares for me at all, I don't want her going through this alone. If she doesn't, well, at least it will give you a reason to see her.

You were right when you said that I was an idiot for never marrying her. Thing is, Mac believed that getting married would ruin what we already had, that's why she always pushed it off. I didn't force the issue because in my mind, she was already my wife and always will be; a piece of paper never seemed that important. From the moment I met her, I knew she was the love of my life. Nothing will ever change that.

When she insisted that we were living separate lives and needed to end things, I could have argued but I knew that would have made it harder on her. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her more by drawing out the break-up. At the time I thought the only option I had that wouldn't cause her more pain was to accept it without fighting.

I wish I had fought. I wish I had dug in and pushed back and insisted that we find a way to figure it out. I should never have walked away. It's the worst mistake I've made in my life and I regret it every minute of every day. Our relationship was never over for me and it never will be. Not a day goes by that I don't catch myself lost in memories of her or distracted, thinking about what might have been. What should have been.

I lied when I said that I had been seeing someone off and on. The truth is there hasn't been anyone in my life since Mac. There never will be. I could never bring myself to be unfaithful to her, and that's what it feels like I would be doing.

I need to ask you for one last favor. There's a safe deposit box at the bank whose information is on the envelope I've included, the key is inside. Please bring its contents to Mac.

Thank you,
Harm

The tears were flowing freely down her face as she ran her finger over the page. Eventually she looked up at Clay who was staring at his hands. He looked up and held a small wooden box out to her. "I went to the bank this morning."

She shook her head and pulled her hands away. "No, he didn't mean for me to see any of this."

"You need to see it, Sarah." Clay continued to hold the box towards her. He nodded as she reached for it.

The lid of the box was engraved with the Marine and Navy insignias. She ran her fingers over the carving and slowly opened it. Inside was a picture of the two of them. It had been taken at McMurphy's the night they had announced their engagement. They were dancing, forehead to forehead and he was holding her tightly against his body. She could hear Journey's Open Arms playing in her mind and feel the pressure of his hands against her back just looking at the picture. The song had seemed to fit the moment so well; soft and poignant and singing of lovers that had drifted apart and finally come back to one another. At the time it had spoken to her, calling into focus all the time they had wasted on pride and their refusal to acknowledge how they felt for one another. He had been singing along quietly to her and everything had felt so perfect. She flipped the photo over and saw his handwriting again.

Hoping you'll see…

She held the photo to her chest for a moment and took several deep breaths. She knew the line from the hundreds of times she'd listened to the song over the years; Hoping you'll see what your love means to me. Fresh tears fell as she realized how the song had continued to enunciate all that they had done wrong in their relationship.

No. Not they. All that she had done wrong.

She looked in the box and saw a small, velvet bag. She gently laid the photo back in the box and opened the bag. When she tipped its contents out into her hand, her heart seemed to stop again. Three matching rings tumbled into her palm; a beautiful, tasteful diamond ring and two simple bands, one larger than the other.

She'd been wrong again. She had thought the email was his last declaration of love, but it was this. The engagement ring she had insisted she didn't want him to spend money on and the wedding rings she'd never given them a chance to wear. She stared down at the rings and the inscription in the one she should have put on so long ago caught her eye. "Fair winds…" She looked at the ring Harm had been so willing to wear; "and following seas." was engraved inside. The fact that he'd done all this brought into sharp focus just what her doubt and hesitation had cost them.

"Harm has never stopped loving you, Sarah. Not for a second." Clay touched her leg through the thin hospital blanket. "The doctors can't make any guarantees about Harm pulling through this, but if you get another chance to be with him, don't let it slip away."

"I've been such an idiot for so long." Mac whispered. She looked at Webb. "Mattie should be going in to see him any time now. Would you ask her to come see me after she comes out?"

"Sure thing." He squeezed her leg and left the room.

Mac gently tucked the rings and the photo back into the box. She folded the letter that he'd given to Clay and added it, then held it against her chest so tightly that she could feel the details of the carvings and the corners biting into her fingertips and the palms of her hands. She closed her eyes and focused on images of Harm again. She pictured the way he smiled when he was talking about flying, him holding her from behind and whispering in her ear the night they sat on a rock in the middle of the desert and watched a meteor shower, the way he'd held her when they curled up on the papasan on their front porch on rare rainy afternoons... She clung to every happy memory she had of him like a lifeline. She opened her eyes when she felt someone sit on the side of the bed. "Hey Mattie."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you. Mr. Webb said you wanted to see me."

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about something. I wanted to ask for your forgiveness actually."

"Forgiveness? For what?"

"For hurting your dad the way I did. I've made so many mistakes, made such a mess out of our lives. If you hate me… If you can't forgive me, I understand."

"Mac, I don't hate you. I'm not going lie, I have hated seeing you two not be together, but I have never hated you. There's nothing to forgive; some relationships just don't work out the way we want them to."

"You sound so much like your dad." Mac wiped fresh tears from her face as she said it.

Mattie touched her hand and they cried together for a few minutes.

"There's something else I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to ask for your permission to ask your dad to marry me." Mac said the words quietly. "I have wasted so much time being afraid. I don't want to waste any more."

"Of course you have my permission. You and Dad are meant to be together."

"I hope he still feels that way."


"Colonel?" Doctor Richardson's voice was quiet as she touched Mac's shoulder, rousing her from sleep. She was curled up on one of the waiting room chairs, her shoes were on the floor and her feet tucked up under her.

"How's Captain Rabb?" Mac asked automatically as she opened her eyes and focused on Doctor Richardson.

Doctor Richardson smiled. "He's awake. Mattie's in with him now."

"He's… He's awake?" Mac was sure she must be dreaming.

"He woke up just a few minutes ago. He still has a long recovery ahead of him, but the fact that he's awake and alert is a very good sign at this point."

"Thank you, Doctor Richardson. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." Mac wasn't sure if she was thanking Doctor Richardson or one of the countless gods she'd prayed to in the last several days, but it didn't matter. Harm was awake!

"Would you like to go see him?"

"No, no, let him have some time with Mattie. I don't want to intrude on them." Her mind was racing as she pulled her phone from her pocket. It was nearly 0500, so it was still early but luckily everyone in their circle would already be up. "I need to let the others know that he's awake."

Doctor Richardson nodded then left the waiting room. Mac quickly dialed AJ's cell number and waited for him to answer.

"How is he?" There was no need for pleasantries, it was the first thing on all of their minds these days.

"He's awake." Saying the words lifted a weight from her chest that she hadn't realized was there. "Doctor Richardson just told me. Mattie's in with him now."

"Thank God. I'll pass the word. Go be with him, Mac."

"Yes, Sir." She nodded absently as she said the words. She hung up the phone and stood. Everything hurt, she'd been sleeping curled in the waiting room chairs for almost a week now and her body was reminding her that it wasn't the sort of thing a woman in her fifties should be doing. She heard something crack as she stretched before heading toward Harm's room. "Will it be alright if I see him for a minute after Mattie is done visiting with him?" she asked Doctor Richardson who was standing at the desk.

"Of course, Colonel. I will ask you to keep it brief though. He's awake but his body is working hard to heal so he'll still be weak for a while and will need as much rest as he can get."

"I understand." Mac nodded and waited for Mattie to leave Harm's room. When she emerged, they locked eyes and Mattie walked over to hug her fiercely. "I called AJ; he's passing the word that your dad woke up."

"Thank you." Mattie let her go after a moment.

"Is it okay with you if I go in and see him for a minute?" Mac felt a knot in her stomach as she asked Mattie. Mattie just nodded in response. Mac's eyes tightened. "Mattie, what's wrong?"

"He just knows how to get to me, you know." Mattie shook her head and ran her hand through her hair. She brushed a few tears away from the bottom of her eyes. "He's been laying there three steps away from dead for nearly a week, and now he finally wakes up and he apologizes to me for getting hurt and making me worry. He's worried about me looking like I haven't been sleeping."

"Your dad is always going to be worried about you first and foremost. Take that as a good sign." Mac smiled. "I won't be long; I don't want to tire him out. I just - I need to see him."

Mattie nodded again and squeezed Mac's hand before saying "I'll be in the waiting room when you're done," before walking away.

Mac took a deep breath before opening the door of his room. She had a flash of fear rip through her as she thought of what she would do if he told he didn't want her there. She forced it down and remembered the words from his letter. From the moment I met her, I knew she was the love of my life. Nothing will ever change that.

She slipped inside and felt more of the weight lift from her chest. It was the first time she'd seen him since they took out the breathing tube. Now that he had just an oxygen tube below his nose, she could see more of his face and it felt more real that he would pull through this. He still had a large bandage on his face covering a deep cut nearly the length of her hand on his right temple, but most of the bruising had dissipated now.

His eyes were closed and she hesitated to disturb him, but she suddenly realized that she'd never needed anything in her life as much as she needed to see him look at her right now. She walked to the side of his bed and quietly said "Hey, Sailor". He opened his eyes and looked at her. As soon as they locked on each other, her breathing sped up and tears flowed down her face.

"I didn't dream it," he said quietly. His voice was thin, raspy and low from having the breathing tube in. It reminded her of when suffered a fractured larynx at the hands of a corpsman with an angel of death complex.

"Didn't dream what?" she asked through tears which were utterly beyond her control at this point.

"You're here. I was sure I had dreamt it."

"Of course I'm here." She held her breath for a second before pushing forward. Better to find out exactly where she stood right away. "If you want me to leave, I will."

"No, no I don't want you to leave."

"I can never apologize enough for the mess I've made of things, Harm."

"You don't have to apologize. We both made mistakes." He grinned a little. "I love you, Mac."

"I love you, Harm." She gently squeezed his hand. It was one of the few parts of his body that didn't have bruising, tubes, or gauze of some kind. "How did you find the time to email me after you were injured?"

"I didn't email you," he said quietly, his brow furrowed for a moment before realization dawned on him. "It's a protocol that they've started using on deployments. Digital version of leaving a letter in your locker for someone. You prep an email and if your status gets changed to KIA or MIA the system is programmed to send the email out. Guess things must have been worse than I realized if that got sent out," he explained.

"You need to rest." She couldn't resist the urge to reach out and touch his cheek gently as she spoke. "But I won't be far, I promise. I'm done making the mistake of not being with you." She hoped that he understood that she was talking long term.

"Mac," he paused for a moment and cleared his throat. His voice was a little stronger when he continued. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes." She said the word without hesitation and she knew that this time she would not make the same mistakes that she'd made before. She was not going to squander this chance.

He smiled up at her. His eyelids were drooping now.

"Get some rest, Sailor. I'll be close by when you wake up. Maybe then you can give me that engagement ring I'm not supposed to know you bought."

"Clay read the letter?" he murmured.

"Yes, and he showed it to me. Don't be angry, he was trying to help. He told me that if I got another chance to set things right with you, I shouldn't waste it. He was right. I am through wasting the time I could have with you."

"I'm not angry. Do you have the ring?" he asked her quietly. Mac nodded and pulled the box out of the pocket of the hoodie she had on. She took the engagement ring out of the pouch and placed it in his hand. He smiled as he slid it on her finger. "I knew it would look perfect. I love you, Sarah."

Mac leaned carefully over the side of his bed and gently pressed her lips to his. "I love you, Harmon Rabb" she whispered.