The Aftermath

She hadn't slept the entire night. Every time she had closed her eyes, all she could see was the hurt on her mother's face and the way in which the woman wouldn't even meet her gaze. The moment the words had left her mouth, she had wanted to take them back. The impact was immediate and gutting. And now, all she could do was lie in her bed staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how she could ever make it up to her mother and prove that she truly had not meant a single word.

Rolling over, the clock read six in the morning. Scout would be up soon and the pitter patter of her tiny feet on the hardwood floor would soon be making their way to her bedroom. Ever since she had been released from prison, she was greeted each morning by her tiny girl. They would snuggle together for a few minutes before getting ready for the day. It was her favorite part of the day.

Danny, on the other hand, had begun establishing his independence. He no longer found his way into her bed for morning snuggles. He barely wanted to spend time with her. He spent his days in his room, playing video games, chatting with his friends and his brother Jake. He was nine and it broke her heart as she wasn't sure if his distance was a result of her own absence. It was as though he wanted her to win his trust, but given everything that had occurred over the last year, she wasn't sure she was winning it.

Grabbing her phone, she began composing a text message. Honestly, it had been her fifth attempt. She was trying to find the words to apologize, but nothing seemed sufficient or right.

"I love you, Mom," she began her message. "And regardless of what I said, you'll always be my hero. You are the strongest person that I know. You are the best mother anyone could ever ask for and I am beyond grateful that I get to call you mine."

Her thumb hovered over the send button. She stared at the words as tears welled in her eyes. How could she say all of that when everything she had said to the woman just the evening before was the direct opposite? Hearing her daughter's approach, she threw phone to the other side of her bed. She left the message unsent.

"Mommy," Scout whispered, opening the bedroom door. "Are you sleeping?"

"Maybe," Sam whispered, attempting to hide the emotion in her voice.

"You're not sleeping, silly," Scout giggled as she ran over to the bed. When Sam lifted her onto the bed, she snuggled closely into her, resting her head onto the woman's chest. "Can we go to the zoo today?"

"The zoo?" Sam whispered, running her hands through her baby's hair. "We just went to the zoo the other day. How about if we go to the park? I can ask Auntie Molly if she wants to meet us. I know she would be happy to see you and Danny."

"Can Grandma come too?" she asked. "I want her to push me on the swing."

A tear escaped from Sam's eye landing in the girl's hair. Her mother was an amazing grandmother. She was attentive and kind, and she never made the kids feel as though they were a bother. She spoiled them and told them they were perfect and amazing. She made Scout and Danny feel as though, apart from their mother and their aunts, they were the only people in the world who mattered. It was the way, over the last twenty-two years of her life, her mother made her feel. And with one wave of anger, she stabbed the woman right in the heart.

"Come on, let's go brush our teeth," she changed the subject. Throwing the sheets back and pressing a kiss to her daughter's forehead, she patted the girl's bottom. "Mommy has to go potty. Do you want to go call Auntie Molly on your iPad? See if she wants to join us?"

Scout nodded excitedly and ran out of the room without another word. Retrieving her phone, Sam quickly shot a text to her sister.

"Hey Babe, Scout's about to call you to invite you to the park. I know you're really preoccupied with TJ and all of that, but please say yes. I need you. PLEASE."

This time, she did not hesitate to hit send. She needed her sister. And as her baby sister had always done, she replied within a few seconds.

"I'll be there."


"Stay where I can see you!" Sam called out to her kids as they ran toward the playground. They were excited about getting out to the park and playing with their friends. Regardless of whenever they went, there was always a child there whom they knew. Unlike her, both Danny and Scout were extroverts. "Hey Mol," she smiled at her youngest sister, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Thanks for meeting me."

"Of course!" Molly replied, taking a seat onto the grass beside her older sister. "When my big sister who never asks for help tells me that she needs me, here I am. Are you okay?"

Covering her face, Sam thought about the question for a moment. In comparison to her sister who was dealing with an angry boyfriend whom she hadn't heard from in over a week, and their mother whom she had recklessly and brutally eviscerated, she was fine.

"Last night I unloaded on Mom so badly I don't think I could ever forgive myself," she said. "Mom and I have had our share of fights over the years, but this one—"

"What happened?" Molly asked, knowing that her eldest sister was never one to truly fight with their mother. Even when she was a young girl and the two women clearly did not have the closest relationship, Sam always held her tongue. It was Kristina who usually 'unleashed the beast' as Sam and she would refer to their sister's temper tantrums. Sam, on the other hand, would begin to say her piece, but would stop before she actually said anything that crossed a line. So, this was uncharacteristic of her. "I'm sure you couldn't have—"

"I all but told Mom that she was a pitiful disappointment to me," she whispered. "And by, 'I told', I mean that I screamed at her in a bar full of people that she used to be my hero and now I think she's pitiful."

"Wow—" was all the younger woman could say in response. This was completely out of character for her sister. "Why? What happened?"

Sam sighed. "Well, you know how my parole officer refuses to let me see Jason—"

"I don't know if it's your parole officer refusing to let you see him, but the law," Molly interrupted her sister. When the woman gave her a look, she put her hands up. "Sorry, continue."

"Yeah well, regardless," Sam sighed, "I decided that I would try to dig up some dirt to use against her so she could let me see him."

"Sam, you didn't!"

"I did!" Sam blushed. "And I got Spinelli involved to help me, but he got caught. My parole officer threatened to throw him in jail, so I called Mom."

"Did she get him out?"

"She did," Sam nodded. "But then she unloaded on me for being reckless and basically stupid for risking my freedom to be with Jason, and not thinking about the kids."

Treading lightly as the subject of her relationship with Jason was a sore subject, Molly bit the inside of her cheek before speaking.

"Do you think you're being reckless?" she asked quietly.

Staring at her children running around the playground, Sam recalled the numerous times she had done exactly this. The way she and Patrick has taken Emma and Danny to the park, and the way she had done the same with Drew. Then she thought about the handful of times she had done the same with Jason. And then she thought about the frequency with which her kids no longer slept in their own beds at home and instead spent the majority of their time at the Quartermaine mansion, so much so that they had referred to it as their home. She had lost so much time with Jason, but in attempting to make that time up, had she neglected the two miracles in her life?

"If you had asked me that same question yesterday, I would've told you no," she began. "In fact, considering how I unloaded on Mom, I absolutely would've said I wasn't—"

"Are you rethinking your answer?" Molly pushes further.

"I just want my family back, Mol," Sam sighed. "I want my kids to have their father," she paused. "And I want them to be able to have a normal life, but—"

Her phone buzzed. Thinking it might be her mother, she quickly pulled the phone from her back pocket. Her heart fell when she saw that it was Julian. She went to press the red button to ignore the call, but her father knew better than to call her. In fact, he only called her when it was... important.

"Hello? Julian?" She answered, feeling her heart racing and knowing the call had something to do with her mother. "Is everything okay?"

"What? Yeah, everything is fine," he began.

"Then why are you calling me?" She asked, losing her patience. While her hatred for her father had diminished to indifference, she still found herself short tempered whenever confronted with dealing with him. His betrayal of their family was a hurt she couldn't easily forgive.

"It's about Alexis," he replied, accustomed to his daughter's disdain for him. "Look, I don't want to get involved in whatever happened between the two of you—"

"Then don't, Julian," Sam sighed.

"Listen, you can hate me, I deserve it," Julian began. "But I know you love your mom. And God knows I know she loves you. But she's not in good shape. And whatever you said to her—"

"What did she tell you?" she asked, feeling her heart rate quicken. She moved to her feet so she could pace.

"She told me that you said she was a disappointment to her."

Squeezing the bridge of her nose, Sam wanted to comment that her father would certainly know what a disappoint was. He looked at one every single moment he looked in a mirror. But now was not the time. The fact that her mother would have called him, spoke volumes. She had called both of her sisters, and then she had called him. The woman had not thought to call her. Why would she?

"Where is she now?" She asked.

"I don't know about today," he replied. "But when I picked her up from the bar last night, I dropped her off at a meeting. So, I'd venture a guess if she isn't home, then she'll be on her way back to the bar at some point today to get her car."

Knowing her father, Sam could tell that there was more to the story than he was letting on. There was something he wasn't telling her. And that something dropped to the pit of her stomach when she realized what it must have been.

"Was she drinking?" She asked quietly, turning away from Molly who stared at her nervously. Putting a finger up to the younger woman, she walked a few feet away. She did not want her sister to see the tears that had begun to fall from her eyes. She did not want to face her when she had to admit she had cost their mother three years of sobriety. When her father did not respond, she let out a faint whimper. "Julian—"

"She's had a shot of vodka," he admitted. "Just the one."

"One is too many," she whispered sadly, wiping the tears that now flowed steadily down her face. "It's more than she should've had."

"You're right, Sam," he said. "But I will tell you that when I got there, even though there was another shot in front of her, she didn't take it. She left it there and she called for help. That's the most important thing. Okay?" He continued. "I know you're probably blaming yourself for this—"

"Of course I am, Julian!" She shouted, then lowered her voice when she saw that her kids had stopped playing to look at her. Waving at them, she gestured to Molly to keep an eye on them as she stepped away. "I shouldn't have left her there in the first place! My God, who leaves their alcoholic mom, who they just gutted, at a damn bar?!"

"If I know Alexis, and I think I know her pretty well, she probably asked you to leave her—"

"That doesn't mean I had to listen to her!" she cried. "I mean, I probably embarrassed her because she definitely looked like I had slapped her in front of the whole fucking bar," she shook her head. "Hell, I practically did! I all but spit in the face of a woman who's done nothing but drop everything and anything to be at my beck and call anytime I needed her! And the sad thing about it is that this isn't the first time I've yelled at her over—"

She stopped speaking. Why was she explaining herself to this man? He wasn't the person she needed to talk to. He was the last person she wanted to discuss her mother with. But he also knew what it was to hurt her. Like she probably was, he was certainly a disappointment to the woman.

"Sam, I know I don't have to tell you this, and you probably don't give a damn what I say anyway," he sighed, "but your mother loves you and said with her own mouth that she doesn't blame you. She said that she's an alcoholic and her decision to drink is her responsibility; it isn't yours."

"Well, I should've thought better than to leave her or better yet, to have said any of those things at all," she muttered. "Anyway, thanks for letting me know, Julian." She paused. "And thanks for picking her up, making sure she was okay, and for taking her to a meeting. My sisters and I will take it from here."

"Of course," he replied. He waited on the phone a moment to see if she might say anything more, but he knew she wouldn't. Their conversation was over. So, he disconnected the line.

Sam sat in stunned silence for a few moments before wiping her tear streaked face and opening her family's "Find my Phone" app. Thankfully they had all agreed to keep their location on so that they'd always be able to track one another down. Looking at her mother's location now, she was pleased to see that she was still home.

"Hey Mol?" She called out to her sister as she approached. "I really hate to ask, but would you mind watching the kids for a couple of hours? I just... I need to go see Mom. I need to make sure she's alright."


She slept in. But, to be clear, it wasn't because she was hungover. And it wasn't because she had drunk too much the evening prior. She had stopped at the one shot. And after calling Julian and being dropped off at a meeting, she came home and cleaned. Cleaning was her new pastime; it was a substitute to drinking. It wasn't a great substitute, but at least it meant to her home was always clean and she saved money on the cleaning service. As of late, given the legal troubles her daughter had been in, her house was so clean, one really could eat off of her floor. Even Kristina felt grateful for her newfound love of cleaning since it meant that her bedroom was always made up and her clothes were perpetually laundered.

After cleaning, she flipped through family photo albums as a reminder of better times, then ensured that each physical picture had a digital counterpart. She could never be too careful since her last photo album exploded with her last house. And then she printed some more pictures which had not been in her photo album and found a place for each and every one of them. She ran her finger along all the pictures where her daughter could be seen staring at her. Would she ever look at her like that again? At what point did the admiration transform into pity? What was the exact date when she began to look at her differently! And when was that pity transformed into disappointment? And because she became sentimental while looking at her photo albums, especially given how hurt she still felt by her daughter's words, she resumed cleaning.

She went from room to room dusting and polishing, stripping beds and throwing the sheets into the wash, and making the beds up again. She cleaned the bathrooms, scrubbing the already shining porcelain with as much elbow grease as she could muster, then grabbed all of the hand towels and decorative towels, and threw them into the wash as well. By the time the sun had begun to rise, her house was spic and span.

And so, turning her phone off, rather than merely putting it on silent, she jumped into the shower, then threw on a t-shirt and shorts and crawled into bed. She put in her earplugs and for good measure got back up to put a note on her door for Kristina to let her know that she was fine, just asleep. She ended her note with, "Feel free to check my breathing at noon." And the moment her head hit her pillow, she was fast asleep.

Staring out her kitchen window dressed in her bathrobe and barefoot, cradling her coffee mug, the events of the previous evening continued to run through her mind. She threw three years of sobriety down the toilet. Why? Because her feelings were hurt? Because her daughter was on the path to self-destruction in trying to be with a man who didn't care enough about her to change his own life? Because she couldn't be with the most sane and normal man she had met…ever?

Why would she throw away three years of sobriety for any of that? It wasn't as though Sam and she had never argued. While it had been a long time since her daughter had said something so… gutting… it's not as though this was the worst thing she had ever done to her. Drinking while undergoing chemotherapy, trying to raise an infant and a four year old, and making provisions including her newfound daughter who had betrayed her took precedence back then. So, drinking was definitely not an option then. But to drink because she couldn't be with Neil for two years? My God, the bar of excuses that she had concocted for herself had clearly lowered.

Staring out of her window in the home her ex-husband had purchased for her after his mob ties had caused the home she had raised her girls in had exploded in a failed attempt to kill them all, she was actually surprised she had not started drinking much sooner than she had. But there's something to be said about that same man, who had vowed to love and protect her in sickness and death, attempting to accelerate her death by using the weapon that she had witnessed run across her mother's neck against her own neck. Taking a sip from her coffee, she sighed. She had had quite the life.

The last year had been challenging. Her anxiety had increased tenfold, Her daughter had joined a cult, her eldest daughter had also joined but merely as a rescue mission, her son-in-law whom she had loved immensely and whom she had wished her eldest would have remained married had died shortly after his own son's death, said daughter had set the stage to be nearly raped by the son of the man she had married and conned decades earlier, and to make matters worse, she later murderer him in self-defense. As though the year had not been bad enough, the woman was then sentenced to two years in prison for that murder. It has been quite the year. And just thinking about everything that had occurred, she could feel a headache coming on.

"Mom?" she heard the soft whisper of her eldest daughter. Sam had used her key and was searching the house looking for her. Under normal circumstances she would have called out to her the moment she had heard the front door open and told her where she was, but these were not normal circumstances. In fact, she hated to admit that a chill came over her body at the prospect of facing her child. Inhaling deeply, she slowly released the breath when she heard Sam's footsteps on the back steps.

"I'm here, honey," she replied quietly without moving from her spot at the kitchen. She continued to lean against the kitchen island, staring out the window.

"Oh, hi, Mom," Sam said slowly, hesitating in her movements, unsure of if she should or could approach the woman. "Um, I called out for you when I came in."

"I heard," she answered quietly, still remaining in her spot and without turning to look at her daughter. If she did, she knew she would fall apart once again. She could not face the added disappoint on Sam's face in knowing that she had fallen off the wagon. "I just… I needed a minute."

"Mom," Sam sighed. "Please look at me."

"Sam—"

"Mom, please," Sam pleaded. A faint whimper escaped her lips. "Mom, I need you to know that I'm so sorry. I promise you I truly did not mean a single word of what I said to you."

Closing her eyes, she heard her daughter move closer, but stopped shy of standing in front of her. Instead, she stood so that she was in her periphery. This was Sam meeting her in the middle while still protecting herself and stopping her easily built walls from shooting back up to where they had been in the years when they had no relationship.

"I think we both know that you meant—"

"I didn't!" she cried, a tear rolling down her cheek. Taking in a deep breath, she took another step toward her. "Mom, I'm more so disappointed in myself than I am in you. You didn't deserve any of what I said. I had no right to unload on you the way I did."

Turning her head to look at her daughter, Alexis' eyes welled with tears to see that Sam had clearly been crying. Her nose was red, her cheeks were flushed, and even though tears already welled in the younger woman's eyes, she could tell that those were not the only tears she had shed. And then it hit her.

"Julian called you, didn't he?" she sighed. "He told you."

"He did," Sam nodded, using the back her hand to wipe her nose. "I didn't mean for—"

"You're not to blame for my decision, Sam," Alexis whispered without moving an inch from her spot. Everything in her wanted to take her daughter into her arms and to hug her tightly against her, but the fear of rejection consumed her. So she stood in her spot. "I drank because I wanted to drink. And…" she hesitated as she collected her thoughts. "While what you said truly gutted me," she stopped when Sam whimpered. Placing her mug in the sink, she smiled sadly; she had not realized that the mug she had chosen that morning was one her girls and boy had gotten her the previous Mother's Day 'You're the grandest, Mom.' She didn't feel so grand anymore.

"When I became a mom, and then a grandma, I realized that my life was no longer the most important," she began. "You girls and your two little ones are the most important lives I have. They supersede everything else. And the idea that I have somehow not been that example for you…" she wiped her own fallen tears from her cheek.

"But you have, Mom!"

Looking at her daughter standing before her attempting to convince her of something she knew was not true, she shook her head. She did not need to be coddled or lied to. They would not be in the situation that they were in had she been a good example for any of her girls.

"Anyway, I say all of that to say that I drank because I wanted to drink," she spoke over her. "I could make all the excuses in the world, but the bottom line is that I allowed myself to become so consumed in my feelings, my anxiety of failing my family, of losing my family, of being alone…"

"Why would you think you'd lose your family?" Sam asked with a frown on her face.

"Perhaps I should've been clearer," she replied with a raise of her eyebrow. "I'm afraid of losing you, which means that your children would be with someone I, quite frankly, do not trust to keep them safe especially when he's in the middle of protecting Sonny and focusing on his family, than what should be his own family."

"Jason would never let anything happen to our kids," Sam protested. "He would do whatever necessary to keep them safe, Mom."

Alexis closed her eyes for a moment to think back to a time when her daughter had finally purged herself of the dangerous life she once lived with Jason. She thought of the times in which she put her children's well-being before everything and anyone else. Those children were her dream, and she finally got them, but somehow they weren't enough for her. Somehow their security took a backseat to Sam's need to be with this man.

"You mean like leaving the mob, Sam? Because unless that's what you're saying, I'm sorry to tell you that losing you means I lose those children too." She felt her composure begin to slip as she wanted to take hold of her daughter and just shake her until she regained her senses. "Those kids deserve better than to live in a world of violence. Drew wanted better for them. And for a while there, I thought you wanted more for them too. But I realize now that I was mistaken."

"Of course I do! What are you trying to say?" Sam attempted to argue but stopped when Alexis raised her hand.

"When I picked up that shot glass, I had a decision to make," she pivoted back to her drinking. Raising her left hand, she continued, "I could take the shot and forget for a few minutes everything that's been weighing on me or," she raised the other hand. "I could put it down and go to a meeting to fight for my sobriety." Staring at Sam, she put her right hand down and raised the left back up. "I made the choice to take that drink. I made the choice to throw out the window all that I had worked for over the last three years out because I wanted to."

"You're an alcoholic, Mom," Sam quietly replied. "Slip ups happen."

Alexis chuckled ironically. Her daughter did not get it. She simply could not see what was in front of her own eyes.

"Honey, I drank because that drink, in that very moment, felt good. That drink made me forget that the man I want to be with is unavailable to me for two years. It made me forget that you're risking your freedom every single day. It made me forget that my life's choices have emotionally damaged my youngest child and helped to ruin one of the healthiest relationship any one of us Davis women, including my own mother, have ever had. It made me forget that my middle child lives here, but is barely home for me to notice and that I barely know her anymore. That drink was something I love. And even though I love it, it doesn't even matter if it loves me back."

When Sam's eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, Alexis paused to allow the words to come together and connect for her daughter. Her eldest was a smart cookie. She may not have had a classroom education, but she certainly was street smart; she could catch a drift... if she wanted to. And when it seemed like she was willfully choosing to miss her point, she continued.

"That drink, Sam, and my relationship with alcohol is your relationship with Jason," she said plainly. "When it comes to him, you're as much of an addict as I am. You just haven't managed to take the first step in admitting it."

"I don't think that's a fair comparison," Sam protested.

"Do you remember when I left you girls and all of our guests at Thanksgiving to go have a drink?" Alexis asked rhetorically. She had had a lot of time to think of what she wanted to say to her daughter. "That was when I knew for certain that I had a problem. No matter how much I tried to rationalize my departure, nothing could. I left my children on a day when I was to give thanks with and for them so that I could get drunk." She paused allowing the analogy to once again fill the air. "Your actions as of late show that for that drink, or even just a tiny sip of it, you would leave your kids at any moment... and honey, I'm telling you right now that that drink is called Jason."

"Wait a minute," Sam pointed a finger. "You really think I'm addicted to Jason? Seriously? How many years did I spend away from him? How long did I live without him, Mom? How can you possibly say I'm some kind of addict?"

"Are you saying that you aren't?" Alexis countered. "Because I recall you leaving a solid relationship with Patrick—"

"Patrick broke up with me, and you know it!" Sam spoke through clenched teeth. "And you liked Drew, Mom. In fact, weren't you rooting for us to stay together?!"

"And why did I love Drew, sweetheart?" Alexis asked quietly, but rhetorically. "That man put you first before everything and everyone, Sam. He left Sonny and Carly because his family with you was the most important thing to him. He didn't want the life. He wanted life with you." She watched Sam's eyes fill with tears. She could see that she was making an impression on her daughter. "But as soon as Jason, the real guy, came back you turned your life upside down to be with him, baby. And everything you've done since then has been contrary to what you've claimed you've wanted for years. You've spent months in prison—"

"I didn't deserve to be there and you know that!"

"True, you absolutely didn't," she conceded. "But your decisions, now that you're out, have a direct correlation with your children's sense of security and your freedom. And while I, as an alcoholic, have a meeting I can run to to save me from myself, you have Delores. And unlike a sponsor in AA, she isn't going to offer you a cup of coffee or a ride home to talk about your latest relapse in seeing Jason, Sam. She's going to throw your ass back in prison."

Alexis paused long enough to allow Sam to think about the words she had just said and to allow them to sink in, but she continued before Sam could defend her indefensible actions.

"I saw the signs of your relapse from Jason's spell when you decided that you would run off with him to break Spinelli out of jail," she said quietly. "You flew with your children to Switzerland—"

"I already told you that it wasn't planned!" Sam screamed, getting angry at the accusations her mother was throwing at her. "He just happened to be there. It was a coincidence!"

"And yet you decided that running off with him was more important than staying with your sleeping children," Alexis stressed. "My God, if I hadn't come, what would you have done? Left a 5 year old Danny and an infant Scout alone in the hotel?"

"I feel like you're implying that I'm not a good mom," Sam responded defensively.

"On the contrary, I think you're a wonderful mother, honey," she sighed. "But I think you're making decisions that impact those children's lives based on your needs rather than their well-being. And that's something you never did before. After Jason died, you vowed that you wouldn't raise those kids in Sonny's world, but here you are doing exactly that." Rubbing her face, she shook her head. "I don't know what happened to you, Sam. I really don't. I was scared for you for so long. And then we thought he had died—"

"I know how happy you were about that—" Sam muttered loudly enough for her to hear.

"Absolutely not!" Alexis shook her head. She had witnessed first hand how toxic Sam's relationship with Jason had been. When Sam and she had first reunited over two decades earlier, the woman had been on her deathbed. She had been shot by a bullet meant for Jason. She had spent months crying for the loss of their relationship and the belief that she had no one else in the world but him to love. It was understandable at the time as she had spent so many years alone, but as the years passed, Alexis witnessed Sam develop into her own. "To see you in pain broke my heart, Sam. When you first broke up, long before you had Danny, do you remember how much you had changed? Do you remember the strength that came from you being away from the life?"

Sam had stopped the scheming and the lies. She had established herself in her own career. She had purchased her own place with the money from her career as a private investigator. She had found that she was enough and no man could fulfill her. Her daughter had spent years out from under Jason's heel. This was the way it always was with them. Sam was stronger away from Jason, this Jason - the one who put Sonny, Carly, and the business ahead of her. Her daughter was stronger away from him than she ever was with him, but somehow the woman could not see it.

"You created financial stability on your own with a job, then later with your own business," Alexis continued. "For ten years, when you two were separated, you transformed into this—"

"A daughter you could be proud of?" Sam sneered, feeling her walls build back up hearing how her mother expressed her disappointment or disgust for the person she was. "A daughter who isn't blinded by love?"

Alexis shook her head. Closing the gap between them, she finally reached forward to take her daughter's hand. With one hand, she gave Sam's hand a squeeze while gently running her hands through her hair.

"I know you know better than that, Sam," she said, bending forward to look her daughter in the eyes. "I know you know that I'm right; you just don't want to believe it because you love Jason. But think about it. How is it that when you're away from him, you establish a career, you start your own businesses, you purchase your own home, you raise your children, and just… seem happier?"

"So now I'm not happy," Sam scoffed pulling away from her mother. "Wow, Mom. Who knew I've become this miserable, horrible mother, unable to control myself around a man. I guess I'm as pathetic as you've always thought me to be."

"That's not what I said, Sam," Alexis sighed.


Shaking her head, Sam walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. She paced for a moment, breathing in and out trying to calm her nerves. She had half expected that her mother would follow her into the living room, but she also knew that she would not. Over the years, both women had learned to leave things to settle for a bit before continuing to press one another in a heated argument. Given how things had been left the day prior, that had been Sam's turn to allow her mother time to think, and unfortunately drink. And now, this was her mother's turn to let what had been said linger in the air for a bit before it settled... wherever it landed.

Sam thought about leaving the house, but decided against it. If her mother had drank after their argument the day before, she would not leave the woman alone for a second time to repeat the behavior. Regardless of how upset she felt in that moment, she wasn't angry enough to leave her mother unattended. Instead, she kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the couch. She had heard the woman in the kitchen loading the dishwasher, before she made her way up the stairs back to her bedroom. Knowing her mother, Sam knew that she'd be readying herself for the day. This gave her about 45 minutes of solitude before they would resume their conversation.

Not being much of a television person, save for binge watching whatever her sisters and mother made her watch, she instead swiped through pictures on her phone. Her mother's words resonated in her mind. Had she sabotaged her previous relationships for the chance of being with Jason? Or perhaps the relationships had fizzled out? Had she taken from her children a stable life and thrown them into instability because of her love of Jason or because he was what was best for them all? Had his presence been for their better or their worse?

"Hey," Kristina said as she walked into the living room to find her sister lost in thought. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sam lied, wiping the tears from her face as she stared at a picture of Drew, Danny, and Scout, she shook her head. "I'm just… I've got a lot on my mind." Sitting up, she smiled. "I'm surprised you're back home already."

Kristina shook her head. It always made her laugh how much her family attempted to deflect from the things that bothered them. It amused her more how they all tried to lie to one another about how "okay" they were, when they were all very in tune with one another. As close knit as they were, lying about their feelings did not come easily.

"Come on, you and I both know you're not okay," she replied, throwing her bag onto the chair. She moved to sit beside her sister on the couch. "Did you and mom get into a fight? Or was it you and Julian? I can always tell when one of them gets under your skin," she smirked, then paused. "Well, it couldn't have been Julian since I was just at work and he didn't seem as disgruntled as he normally is when you two fight. And considering that Mom was up until like six in the morning cleaning this house from top to bottom, I'm guessing it's her. So, what happened?"

Rolling her eyes, Sam sighed. "Long story short," she began, "I did something stupid, Mom called me out on it, then I said something awful to her and really hurt her . So, I came over to apologize, and we got into another fight. Now we're taking a breather."

"Let me see if I can unpack this," Kristina laughed. "You came up with a scheme to see Jason. Mom caught you and lectured you on how stupid you were. You hit her with a low blow... I'm trying to figure out what that is," she paused, tapping her chin in thought. "And now you're here," she sighed. "What did you say?"

"It's not important," Sam replied. "The point is I said it and I was incredibly out of line."

"Okay, that's fair," Kristina conceded. "But what was the fight about today? And can I be the referee for round three? I mean, I haven't witnessed an old fashioned Sam versus Alexis show down in like ten years. You two are annoyingly always, 'You're my best friend. No, you're my best friend.'" she laughed. "I mean, seriously, who waits around after a fight to possibly have another fight?"

"You're an idiot," Sam laughed aloud, bumping her sister with her shoulder. "I just... I don't know what to do anymore, Krissy. I've spent half my life in and out of a relationship with Jason. We have a son, a beautiful boy who just wants his family back together again."

"I don't mean to sound like a dick or anything, but which family is it that Danny wants?" Kristina slowly asked, biting her bottom lip. "You and Jason, ever since you got back together, you haven't exactly been a family... at least not the type that you had with Patrick or with Drew."

"Thanks Krissy," Sam rolled her eyes.

"Sam, I'm serious," the younger woman pressed. "Before you went to prison, Danny and Scout spent most of their time either at the Quartermaines or here with Mom. You and Jason were, well, you were trying to get me out of Dawn of Day, and then fighting with Shiloh, then you went to prison, and now you can't even be with one another."

"But that doesn't mean that Jason and I haven't given the kids a family," Sam defended, although hearing her own words in contrast with what her sister was saying, she knew her defense sounded flat.

"Have you asked Danny, or even Scout, what they want?" Kristina countered.

Opening her mouth to respond, Sam immediately shut it when she realized that she hadn't asked her children that very question. She had just assumed that she had known what they wanted because it was what she wanted. Why wouldn't they want a family with Jason? Then again, why would they?

"I really don't want you to think that I'm saying you're a bad mom or anything like that," Kristina continued when she saw that her sister was struggling with responding. "I just want you to really think about what you're fighting for, Sam. And I want you to really as yourself if this is the family that you've always wanted and dreamed of having with Jason."

"I mean, it's not a perfect situation considering my parole conditions—"

"If you weren't on parole or had these conditions and it was just you and Jason, is this what you dreamed of in having a family with him?" Kristina asked. "When you finally got Danny back after all those months of thinking that he had died, only for Jason to be presumed dead in a mob war, was that how you envisioned—"

"That I'd lose my husband to gun violence?" Sam asked rhetorically. "I mean, that's always been a possibility given what Jason does for a living. But, he's always seemed invincible to me. So, no, I never thought I'd be a single mom."

"But is that the type of life you wanted for your kids? One where they could lose their dad due to gun violence?" Kristina pushed further. "Is that what you want?"

"Of course I don't want my kids to lose their father to gun violence," Sam answered, moving from her seat on the couch to pace the room. "I don't think that it's fair to assume that that'll happen to him either—"

"It already did, Sam," Kristina countered. "I mean, you really can't deny that. And even when Drew thought he was Jason, it nearly happened to him too… and he didn't even work for my dad anymore! But because he was associated with him, he was shot, and you were a mess and barely eating. You spent all of your time in the hospital holding vigil at his bedside, not eating. Do you remember how much weight you lost? You were a walking skeleton - literal skin and bones. We could see your ribs. My God, your milk stopped and that's when we put Scout on formula!"

"Krissy—" Sam sighed heavily not wanting to recant the past that she had had with Drew. She had loved him with all of her heart, and his loss weighed heavily on her, especially knowing that their daughter had lost a father who was… completely devoted to her and Danny.

Okay, how about prison," Kristina pressed. Seeing her sister's resolve begin to break, she decided to apply further pressure. She had been watching her sister backslide for the last couple of years since Jason's return. It was disappointing to see, especially since it was so obvious that she wasn't happy… at least not as happy as she had been previously. And her life was certainly not stable, which meant that the same could be said about the two children had wanted more than anything else in their world. "I mean, you're living that type of life right now, aren't you? You spent months separated from your kids because you were in prison. And God knows if Jason's ever arrested, that'll be years of separation. Is that what you envisioned for your kids?"

Sam paced the room. She loved Jason with all of her heart. She had loved him for more than half her life. And even when they weren't together, because of the love she had for him, theirs was the longest relationship she'd had with anyone, including with her own mother. She had met Jason when she was nineteen. He had supported her throughout her first pregnancy. She had intended to name that baby after his own grandmother, and even though she wasn't his, they were going to raise her together. And then her baby Lila died. He helped to pick up the pieces to her shattered heart. He helped her come through the dark times that ensued. And then, when she was at death's door, he brought her to her family. If it hadn't been for Jason, she wouldn't have had a mother and sisters… the very same who are now telling her that she'd be better off without him.

"Our life isn't perfect, Kristina, I know that," she began. "And this wasn't the life that I had wanted for my kids. But it's the life that we have. And I love Jason. Danny loves his father. And Scout, she doesn't have a father anymore; Jason's raising her as his own—"

"Jason isn't raising anyone, Sam," Kristina spoke over her. She refused to encourage her sister's delusions that Jason was doing anything but cleaning up after her father and stepmother. "He's too busy following my dad's and Carly's orders and you know it. And even when you were in prison, those kids spent more time with us and with the Quartermaines than with him. My God Sam, when was the last time Jake spent any time with him?"

Sam opened her mother to respond, but then closed it. The question was rhetorical.

"I know you love Jason. I know the kids love him too. But that doesn't mean that this life that you have with him is the best for them or for you." Moving to her feet, Kristina took her sister's hand into her own and gave it a squeeze. "I have to get back to work, but I'm going to ask you one last question. You don't have to answer it right now, or ever. I just want you to think about it. Even if your parole issues were miraculously resolved right now, would you be happy?" Pulling her sister into a hug, she pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I love you, Sam."

"I love you too, Krissy," Sam whispered, watching her sister leave. As the door closed, a tear rolled down her cheek.


Lying in bed, Alexis attempted to focus on the book she was reading, "Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forgot." She threw three years of sobriety that she had fought for out the window. She had gotten drunk at her daughter's wedding. She had passed out and missed her nephew's funeral. She had gotten drunk at a bar, and drove anyway to pick up her grandson. She had passed out while babysitting him and he nearly set the house on fire. She had left her children at Thanksgiving to get drunk in a bar. She had run down her ex-husband with her car.

She had survived so much in her life. She had witnessed her mother's murder. She had blocked out her sister's existence and her own identity for 20 years, only to later survive her sister's death too soon after their reunion. Then her beloved brother's death, although by the time he died, he was a shell of the man she had once known. She had nearly lost custody of her second daughter, lied about the existence of a first daughter, and nearly watched that child die mere hours after their reunion. She protected her first daughter numerous times from stints in prison, took the fall for her second daughter's vehicular homicide charge, then ran that same daughter's boyfriend over after her nearly beat her to death. She had been kidnapped too many times, her children had been kidnapped, nearly died. She had survived much in her life and had known far more betrayal than any person ever should. Who could have blamed her for finally succumbing to the pain of her life? The fact that she had spent fifty years without any form of substance abuse was a miracle in and of itself.

And yet, what disappointed her the most about having thrown away the three long years of sobriety is she'd done so for less than she had started in the first place. What was wrong with her?

"Mom?"

She heard her daughter call out to her before opening the door. Closing her book and placing it back onto the nightstand, she turned to look at the woman. It was obvious she had been crying.

"Hi," she said quietly, scooting over in the bed to allow Sam to join her. "Are you okay?"

Sighing, Sam nodded silently as she joined her mother on the bed. She stared at her hands for several minutes, unsure of how to begin. Looking back at the situation, her mother was absolutely right about questioning her priorities; she was risking her freedom. And worse still, she was risking it for a family that she had lost. She was putting Jason ahead of her children in the same way as she had always put him ahead of her own wants, desires, and needs. She was everything that she had always said she'd never be. She was a bad mother.

"I'm sorry," she said, tearfully turning to look at her mother. "I'm sorry, Mom. I was completely out of line with you and blaming you for something that was completely my fault and my own doing." She inhaled sharply to stop the tears from falling to her cheeks. She knew that if she began crying, she would never be able to stop. She needed to get this weight off of her shoulders. "I know that you don't want me to apologize for your drinking, but I can't help but feel responsible. I knew that you were struggling with what's been going on with you and Neil. And I know how much you've been worried about me. And I had no right to take out my own frustrations out on you when you've been nothing but supportive of me."

Although Sam had stopped speaking, Alexis knew that she wasn't done. Her daughter was merely gathering her thoughts to finally admit what everyone around her had already known. And so, she waited patiently for her baby to finally put her pain into words.

"I made a promise to you years ago that if I couldn't be a mother, I'd be the best daughter I could be," Sam continued. "And even though I finally have my children, it doesn't mean that I have the right to take back my promise to you. I made it to you because I had done something so evil and so unforgivable that it was the only thing I could think of to make amends. And right now, knowing that I contributed to your loss of sobriety, I know I've failed in keeping my promise to you, and for the worst possible reason." She quickly brushed a tear from her cheek.

She had spent years apart from Jason. Her son had nearly died and she had to go through that alone. And then she spent another few years with men whom she loved with her whole heart, and who loved her with theirs. Their only failure was not being the man with whom she had vowed to spend her life.

But then came Drew, the man she had believed to be Jason. He had sacrificed everything for their family. He had left Carly and Sonny to handle their business on their own, and put his family with her first. He was everything she would've wanted in a man. He was a true partner, father, and husband. He gave her the life that she had always wanted. Together, they created the baby girl she thought she would never have. But ultimately, like the others who came after that man who had stolen her heart so many years earlier, he wasn't Jason. And when the real Jason came crashing back into her life, she immediately knew this man she had loved for three years could not have been her Jason. He was nothing like Jason. Sacrificing everything to be with her and their children had seemingly sealed his fate to her own self-sabotage.

"I think I've made a mistake," Sam quietly admitted as tears welled in her eyes. "I thought that I had lost Jason and when he came back, the real Jason, I just... I couldn't give up the chance to have the family I had always wanted with him," she continued. "That night, when we brought Danny home, we were supposed to finally be happy, but then he just... he disappeared for five years! And I moved on... I let myself grieve, then I moved on with Patrick, and then again with Drew when I thought he was Jason because I just couldn't not try to have the family we had always dreamed of having. And I was happy because I got him back, Mom! I got Jason back and we were a real family... but it wasn't real. Drew wasn't Jason and I... I couldn't accept that because that's not how our story - mine and Jason's - was supposed to end. It was supposed to be us: him, me, and our kids... kid."

She had given up everything that had made her happy, that had made her children happy, and thrown it all away for a man who had returned from the dead to only continue to do what he had always done: serve Sonny and Carly. She had fallen back into the habit of allowing herself to be treated as second or third priority, just so she could be with him. Just so she could have that adrenaline rush that she had missed since he had died. She wanted to relive those times that they had lost that fateful night on the pier. And in doing so, she threw away everything that she had, and that her children had.

Her children had lost their father - Danny, the father he had known, and Scout, the father that she had. They lost their mother because she had devoted her time in being with Jason, that she had stopped begin with them. And worse, they lost their family and stability. Their weekend outings to the park, zoo, and museum had been replaced by trips to Grandma's. Their nightly tuck in routines had become phone calls wishing them a good night from afar, until she was separated from her children for months while behind bars. She had done everything that her mother had said: she had relapsed and Jason was her drug.

"I've fucked things up, Mom," she sobbed, finally relenting to the emotions that had threatened to suffocate her. " I've fucked everything up."

"Come here, baby," Alexis opened her arms to allow her daughter to go into them. As expected, Sam fell into her arms and sobbed into her chest. "It's okay, sweetheart. Let it out." Rubbing her daughter's back, she rocked her back and forth. "It's okay," she cooed. "I don't blame you for my own choices," she whispered into Sam's ear. "So, there's nothing to forgive on my part."

"I don't know what I'm going to do," she sniffled, holding tightly onto the woman. "I've loved him for so long, Mom! This family is everything I've always wanted. And now… I have to let it go."

Alexis fought herself from smiling at her daughter's realization. She had waited so long for Sam to free herself from the ties that bound her to Jason. And here they were, with her baby sobbing in her arms, slowly realizing her worth was lost on that man.

"You have a family, sweetheart," she replied quietly, pressing a kiss onto Sam's head. "And you have known and had more than what Jason's had to offer you. This isn't the family you've always wanted, baby," Alexis continued. "And I'm sorry that you can't have what you wanted with him."

She wanted to say more, but she had said all that there was to be said. Now, it was time for Sam to pick up the pieces to her own life.

"He can't…" she sobbing, finally allowing her mother's words and her sisters' words to sink in. "He won't be the man I need him to be. And I can't… I can't be the wife he needs, and be the mom my kids need." Looking up at her mother, she stared into the woman's eyes. "Jason has been my everything for so long, Mom. How do I let that go?"

Shaking her head, Alexis pressed a kiss to Sam's forehead. She could see how exhausted her daughter was. It had been some time since the woman had gotten rest. Directing her to lie down, Alexis spooned her tiny girl against her and pressed a kiss against her cheek before wrapping her arm around her waist and took her hand into her own.

"Sweetheart, you've already done the first and most difficult step," she whispered into her ear. "You've admitted you have a problem. Now you've got to take the steps to take back control of your life. And just as you've been for me," she brought Sam's hand to her lips. "I'll be here for you in anyway you need me to be."