Holding on to illusions (Holding on to dreams)

We continue living on (Holding on softly)

Even the faint warmth of your kiss is good enough

"If I may be honest, I do not think we are destined - not in this life, at least. But, that won't stop me from loving you."

A love between two maidens, one born in royalty and another born in a family of knights, remains forbidden. But, is it possible to control one's feelings? Day Two of Twelve Days of Christmas, 2020


"The Sonoda's are born and raised to protect the Minami's."

That phrase was repeated like a spell in front of Sonoda Umi ever since she could remember.

Once the next inheritor of the Otonokiza Kingdom's throne turns 16, they are given a personal knight that would accompany them in all occassions, and would follow their commands. Since half a century ago, the Sonodas became the head knights of the Minami's, and the son of the head knight would become Otonokizaka Kingdom's princess or prince's personal knight.

Sonoda Umi, the only child of the Minami family's ever loyal head knight, was trained to become Princess Minami Kotori's knight. She had no sibling, and there was no male Sonoda to become a personal knight - so it was Umi who took up the duty to become one.

Sonoda Umi, Princess Kotori's personal knight of four years, made one fatal mistake.

"Umi-chaaan~"

"Yes, Kotori-dono?" Umi spoke, not bothering to look up the journal she was busy writing. HRH Princess Minami Kotori, had just dragged Umi out of the castle and to the garden, and originally, Umi was against the idea - after all, it's just Kotori, escaping her princess duties as usual. But after Kotori pulled yet another 'please?' card..

Umi just found herself sitting beneath the sakura tree, while the Princess was busy admiring the flowers and singing along to the cheerful birds' chirps.

"Mou, how many times did I tell you? Stop calling me that.. Ko-to-ri only!" Kotori emphasized every syllable of her name, sitting on Umi's lap and putting the book aside.

"K-Kotori.. this isn't.." Umi averted her eyes, trying her best to control her blush and failing miserably.

"Eheh, finally you called me that name again.." Kotori giggled, leaning closer to put her head on top of Umi's chest "Your heart is beating incredibly fast, Umi-chan."

"H-How can it not when you're so close?"

"I like it," Kotori nuzzled into her chest further, smiling to herself "it beats fast just for me, I like it this way.."

Sonoda Umi fell in love with the Princess she swore to guard with her life,

and Princess Minami fell in love with her personal knight, too.

A small smile crept up on Umi's lips, and soon, she wrapped her arms tightly around her princess as well. She combed her slender fingers through her ash locks, taking in her scent - a scent that reminded her of flowers and spring.

"Til I breathe my last breath, every beat of my heart is dedicated to you."

It was forbidden. A love between two maidens is often shamed and seen as a disgrace, a shame.

Not only were they both ladies, their status in life is too different. A knight falling in love with their princess is too taboo, and oftentimes, their titles are revoked if they try to fight for their rights to love.

They both knew that, hence the reason why moments they had together were away from the crowd's prying eyes, hiding an innocent and pure from a cruel world.

"I love you, Umi-chan," Kotori spoke in a hush voice, careful not to be heard by anyone else but the knight.

"And so do I, Kotori-dono."

But inside, they knew that not everything will remain hidden, that destiny itself has tendencies to be cruel.


Princess Minami Kotori would've been the third in line to the throne, and had a possibility of never becoming Her Majesty, The Queen if it weren't for her uncle being abdicated due to his choice of partner - someone of the same sex. And so, Kotori's father became king seven years ago, ruling their kingdom and treating the citizens with great respect. He was dubbed the greatest King their kingdom ever had, and he made sure he fit the standards of the kingdom's expectations. Him inheriting the throne meant Kotori would be the next successor of the throne, something she detested greatly.

However, the King's health declined rapidly. There were days he was okay and lead the Kingdom with ease, and days he hid within the palace's walls, forbidding the citizens of their kingdom from seeing their King being an unfit ruler. Given just a few years left to live, he knew he had to brace his only daughter and prepare her to become a Queen their kingdom deserved.

"Papá, you called."

Kotori entered the room, picking a sakura petal from her hair and hiding it behind her back. She was scolded a few handful times for having unruly hair that had 'dirt' on it, and wasn't willing to risk to get yelled at again - after all, she was about to make a rather selfish request.

"Sit - I have things to tell you about "

"Ah, that's excellent, Papá! I also have, um, a request to make.." Kotori sat on the velvet couch across her father, feeling her heart attempt to escape from her chest.

"Hm? What is it?" The King asked, earning a headshake from his daughter "And why refuse to tell me now if you seem so eager to say it?"

"You go first, Papá."

"Hm.. very well, then. Kotori, you are now twenty, and it is no use to hide my decreasing health from you," The King explained, locking his amber eyes with identical ones across him "When your mother passed when you were just a young tot, I didn't know if I could raise you into a proper young woman. And yet, here you are, proving yourself worthy of the throne every minute you breathe."

"Papá, you know I have no interest in becoming a Queen-"

"Whether you have interest in it or not, you will become Queen. And Kotori, my days are numbered..! You are in need of a man, someone who can help you lead this kingdom," The King spoke with a stern voice "There is a neighboring kingdom with a Prince your age, I will arrange you two to meet in a month - you two will wed, and he will move to our kingdom to become your Consort."

"I absolutely refuse!" Kotori roared, standing up "I am not going to sign my life away just like that, I am not willing to marry someone that I do not love!"

"We are talking about our kingdom here, Kotori-!"

"So when it comes to me, I must think and put our kingdom first before everything else, yet you cause some problems with another kingdom, and don't hesitate to send knights and military to fight over something you and their King started?!"

"-! Who told you about that?" The King's eyebrows furrowed, furiously raising his voice "Who told you..!"

"U-Umi-chan.. did.." Kotori's voice suddenly shrunk, then she shook her head, feeling furious "You are sending my personal Knight to fight in a war where she could be maimed, or worse, killed..! With no hesitation! And I object to that!"

"Sonoda's daughter, hm? I knew a woman could not do proper in a role meant for a man.." The King groaned, then stared at Kotori "And why are you so worked up about it? She is a knight, becoming one means signing up to take risks for this kingdom and its people, including you. She is merely a knight that can be replaced-"

"She isn't replaceable! No living thing's life is! How many more lives are you willing to sacrifice, Papá?!"

"As many as it takes to make sure this kingdom is ruled properly..!" The King argued, his voice echoing the studyroom "What on Earth makes that knight of yours special? ..do not tell me..!"

Kotori's eyes widened in fear, realizing she had let herself slip too much. She gave hints, too many, that there was something more to their relationship. And she knew her father well - judging his reaction, he knew.

"Unbelievable..! How could you love someone of the same sex? Someone so low?!" The King got more furious, his hands turning into tight fists "I will not let you go down the same path as your uncle-!"

"So what if I love her? Papá, what do you even know about love? At least Uncle knew that his love was worth fighting for!"

"He gave up this kingdom for love! His riches! And look at him now, living in a commoner town..!"

"With the person he loves- no, with a man he loves? He's happy, it is evident," Kotori spat back, turning her back at her father "Harm her in any way, include her in a war you created out of pure hatred, and I will not hesitate to go down the same path Uncle did."

Just as she was about to exit the door, The King smiled eerily as an idea came to mind.

Even if he insults Sonoda Umi, one cannot deny the fact that she was an excellent knight - one that could bring victory to a war she could be placed in. He can't afford not having her in the war, however, he refuses to see his daughter go down the same path as his eldest and only brother.

"Then, let us make a deal, shall we, Kotori?" The King spoke in a rather soft voice as Kotori held the doorknob "If you love your knight so much and refuse to have her get hurt, then, marry the Prince. In return, I will not have your knight join the war, I'll do what I can to end it, even, and she is free to retire."

"However..?" Kotori said, knowing that such deal sounded too good to be true.

"You are to never meet with her again, nor will you be able to explain as to why she is, well, fired. But she is saved, isn't she?"


The following week

Umi stood behind a tall, dark brown door in the middle of the palace's hallway, unwillingly hearing her father's conversation with The King.

"W-What- How could you fire my daughter with no reasonable excuse, Your Majesty?!"

Fire..? She was.. fired as Kotori - no, as the Princess' knight? How - no, why? She did everything right, she followed every rule, and not once did she give a hint about the relationship between her and the Princess!

"No, I must.. I must be hearing things," Umi reassured herself, letting out a sigh "But it has been days, and Kotori-dono hasn't spent.. even a single second with me."

The doors eventually opened, and Umi instinctly bowed upon seeing The King pass by her.

"Umi.." The Head Knight approached his daughter, putting a hand over her shoulder "We must talk, privately."

"We are alone, Father."

"The palace's walls listen to everything said within," The Head Knight spoke, leading Umi back to their quarters.

Behind the Royal Palace was a house, where Umi spent her nights resting or training alongside her father. When they arrived there, it seemed as though Umi's items have been packed by Kotori's personal maid, Hanayo, as she was the only person given a key to their house.

"Father.. what I heard, about.. about me not being Kotori-dono's personal knight, is it.. true?" Umi cautiously asked, earning a nod from her father "But why? How could they?"

"The King didn't explain the reason why, nor did he give evidences of you doing something against the book. The war.. it is still ongoing, but you will no longer be deployed to it. In fact, your duties as a knight is considered over as The King had told me you are no longer needed in this kingdom," The Head Knight spoke, then continued "The King.. says it was the Princess' request. She no longer wishes to be in contact with you, and is set to marry the Prince from a neighboring kingdom in a month."

Kotori? It was.. Kotori's request for her to be removed? More importantly, she's getting married?

"W-What-"

"I, too, am confused, Umi. But please, rest for now. I have duties to run, and you must go to the other kingdom - the Kingdom of Purpura that half of our clan chose to serve in the past. If I am not mistaken, they are now called 'the Clan of Hoshizora' and serve the Tojo's. I was given the blessing to let you serve them instead of wasting your skills."

In a short amount of time, Umi was left alone in disbelief, trying to absorb what had just happened.

"Then.. why did she bother asking me.. that?" Umi sat on the bed, burying her face in her hands as she recalled the last time she went stargazing with the Princess.

"Say, Umi-chan.."

"Hm?"

"Do you believe in destiny?"

"I believe we have our reasons as to why we are here, yes."

"Then, do you think I am destined to be with you?" Kotori asked, leaning on Umi's chest "A Princess and a Knight.. do you think we can make history as the first royal couple who went against all odds?"

"I.. do not believe you and I are destined in any way. You are destined to become the Queen, and I am destined to become the head knight," Umi spoke, then chuckled upon hearing the latter's groan of disapproval "It does not mean a thing to me, though. Fate, destiny.. I don't rely on them for approval. I can continue loving you in my own way, even without its approval or help."

"I suppose I expected the same from you," Umi uttered, then she laughed breathlessly "But who am I compared to you? To him?"

"That's right, I'm nothing compared to that."


Two weeks later..

The Princess of Otonokizaka has since then locked herself in the room, refusing to eat proper meals and only picking at the food given to her. She made little to no effort when her soon-to-be husband would visit, and her bed of roses in the garden slowly wilted.

"U-Um, Princess Kotori.."

"I'm not hungry."

"Princess-!"

Hanayo, Kotori's personal maid, ducked as soon as she entered the room to avoid Kotori's flying pillow. Making sure no knight or maid was outside, Hanayo closed the door, then approached the royal laying in bed.

"Hanayo-chan, why are you-"

"I have received news about Umi-san from my friend, Princess Kotori. I feel as though you must know how she is these days, as well," Hanayo reached into her pocket, handing Her Highness the envelope.

With no hesitation, Kotori took it and pointed at the door, signaling Hanayo to stand guard as she read the contents.

Kayochin,

Hello! Umi-chan has been with us for almost two weeks now, she is doing an excellent job as a knight and continues to teach us! It is actually quite hard to believe she's related to me in a way.. Also, did you know Princess Nozomi's mother is actually the cousin of Princess Kotori's mother? Then, that makes them cousins but.. a bit distanced, right?

I know you wrote a letter curious about Umi-chan, and that's okay, it's not like I'm your best friend or anything. Jokes aside, though, Umi-chan is okay. Or, at least she wants us to believe she is.

There are days I find her staring at Princess Nozomi's bed of roses, nights where I find her staring at the stars, and sometimes I hear Princess Nozomi telling Umi-chan stories about Princess Kotori. I think Umi-chan is homesick, really.

There was a time I saw her crying in our quarters, as well. When I checked, she was fast asleep, though there were tears in her eyes as she held a pastel green handkerchief that had a cursive 'K' on it.

Other than that, Umi-chan is doing wonderful here. She's probably missing the kingdom there, as well as the princess she used to serve. I hope she'll adjust to us here soon.

Write me a letter more often, Kayochin! I miss you a lot! See you in Princess Kotori's wedding!

Regards,

Hoshizora Rinyan

"Hanayo-chan.." Kotori stared at the letter, absentmindedly running her thumb over the stamps "I want to write a letter to Umi-chan."

"Princess Kotori, you are forbidden to have contact with her in any way-"

"Then.. then send it to your friend, make it seem as though you are just sending her a letter in return. Please, Hanayo-chan," Kotori pleaded, letting go of the letter to clasp Hanayo's hands in hers "Please.. I need to explain it to Umi-chan, just once..!"

With a gulp, Hanayo nodded her head, causing her to be tackled in a hug by the princess.

Three days later..

Unlike the Kingdom of Otonokizaka, the Kingdom of Purpura gave a day off to the palace's servants once a week. A day where they could be simple citizens of the kingdom, not just servants of the monarchy. Oftentimes, the servants would spend it relaxing in their own ways, such as a short trip to a nearby lake, or a simple gathering with family or friends.

For Umi, she wasn't close with anyone, nor did she know the kingdom's locations properly, but she still had her own way of relaxing even in a kingdom she barely knew. Much like the palace she once lived in, Purpura's Palace also had a kyūdo room for archers to enhance and practice their skills.

Oftentimes, the kyūdo room would be packed with knights, practicing their archery skills. On days off, however, no one was there - and Umi took this as an advantage to find a place to find peace and serenity alone.

Check position. Draw the bow. Aim. Then,shoot-"Umi-chaaaan!"

"Missed," Umi groaned as her arrow hit the lower target. She turned her head to meet her relative's gaze, tilting her head "What?"

"Geez, you're terrifying.. Anyways, I just got back from the post!" Rin grinned, holding an envelope.

"I do not need you to rub in my face that you have acquaintances, Rin."

"Not that, geez! Here, this is a letter for you hidden in a letter sent to me," Rin handed her an envelope, cocking her head "Your name means ocean, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"Wow, didn't know you had romance in your old kingdom.. Anyways, I'll be off!"

"W-Wait, Rin-!"

And off she went. Mentally making a note to scold Rin later on, Umi sat on the bench, resting her bow on the space beside her. She flipped the envelope, letting out a gasp upon reading its sender's name.

To my darling ocean

Love, your stars

She only knew one person who drew hearts as the dots in the letter 'i.' She hurried and changed clothes to enter her quarters to read the letter's contents privately - after all, she wasn't allowed to have any interaction with the letter's sender.

Umi sat on her bed with legs crossed, opening the letter with her shaky hands.

To my darling ocean,

How are you there? I'm sorry I wasn't able to bid you farewell before you left our kingdom.

Hanayo-chan's childhood friend is your distant relative, Rin-san. She was able to help me send a letter discreetly, and I chose not to use our names in the envelope just to make sure. Though, thinking of it now, I'm not sure if it did make any difference..

I miss you lots, Umi-chan. Our stargazing nights while you tried to name constellations you could see, our simple days in the garden, and the warmth of your embrace. I just miss you so much.

You have heard it by now, I'm sure. I'm set to marry a Prince from a neighboring kingdom as I prepare to inherit the throne. The day of our wedding is coming soon, and not once did I expect myself to marry - no, to be with someone that isn't you. Sometimes, I find myself wondering as to why destiny was this cruel. It led us to each other, and yet, it also tore us apart. For what reason? To bring immense pain?

There is always a reason as to why things happen, or that's what you say, at least. Umi-chan, I want you to know that I never wished to part from you. I didn't ask for you to be fired from your job here as a knight, as my personal knight. All I asked for was for your life to be treasured, for Papá not to risk your life in a war he chose to start.

I didn't know he would make such deal that would change both my life and yours. It hurt to agree with, as I was giving up my freedom, but I will be at peace knowing you are okay and alive. Knowing you are still here.

You and I may be apart, but it comforts me to know we look at the same moon and stars at night.

I love you, Umi-chan. I miss you, so much. There's so much more I want to say, but it feels as though there are too little words to convey it.

I hope to love you again in another life, another universe.

Yours forever,

your star

It was certainly a short letter that barely filled the paper it was written on, but it was enough for Umi. Knowing that Kotori had no part with her being fired, knowing that what she was told was a lie, was comforting enough for her.

"But, wait.. what deal was she talking about?"

"Got one from her, too?"

"Nozomi-dono-!" Umi turned her head as she struggled to hide the letter behind her back "W-What brings you here?"

"Oh, you mustn't lie~ I know you got a letter from my cousin, she wrote about it in my letter. She said that she wrote you a letter to try and explain as to why you were sent here, as to why her father made you retire as their knight," Nozomi sighed, leaning on the door "I just came by to see the knight my dearest cousin sacrificed her freedom for. What a heroic act she did, no? Marrying a stranger to save your life from being pawned away in a war."

"Pardon me?"

"Oh.. oh, you.." Nozomi's eyes widened, her arms that were previously crossed on her chest dropping to her sides "..don't know what she did for you.."


skkfkdkfndnr this was supposed to be a one part story but i have to upload this part since it was supposed to be uploaded YESTERDAY

i will add the remaining part polyester later :3 for now, ples read

it will be explained later on as to why their call signs are ocean and star btw :DD