Big thanks to Starrybouquet for betaing the majority of this; I think it's only the last quarter she hasn't seen. Any mistakes/typos are mine.

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Standing on Ronan's ship, watching Jack adjust the formation of the crystals within its engine, Sam stifled a gasp when the hum of the engine changed.

She found herself watching him, unable and unwilling to let him out of her sight for long. There was still so much she wanted to say to him, so much he needed to hear, but every time she tried, he stopped her. And then there was the other matter, the final conversation she'd had with General Hammond before he'd left for Washington DC and they'd left for what she knew might very well be their last mission.

"Sir, I think you should know that General Hammond authorized me to take command of the team if I determined it…"

Jack looked up from the tray of crystals. The flickering lights of the engine room caused shadows to pass over his face. "Do it now."

Sam shook her head. "Sir, I don't think that's necessary yet." She had hoped it wouldn't be necessary at all, but his condition continued to deteriorate – develop – at a rate that was alarming.

"I trust you." His eyes softened and the corners of his mouth tilted upwards in a bittersweet smile that was both proud and sad. "I'll make it easy for you. I resign. You're in charge."

She swallowed the lump that rose in her throat. "Okay." And just like that, she was team leader of SG-1. It took her brain a moment to realise what else it meant. She didn't need to relieve him of command because he'd retired, which meant… which meant… "Sir. At your house, before Daniel and Teal'c showed up…" She took a small breath and ploughed on. "What I was going to say was…"

Jack looked up again. His eyes met hers. "I know."

They stared at one another over the open panel until he pushed it back in, the final barrier between them gone.

He'd retired, she told herself, which meant no regulations.

Nothing to stop them from -

She would never be able to say which of them moved first. One moment they were staring at each other, the lights flickering around them, the next they were kissing, his hands on her face and in her hair and hers clutching at his jacket.

Of all the ways she'd imagined their first kiss – well, second, if virus-induced kisses counted – she'd somehow never imagined it being so desperate, or so bittersweet. She parted her lips under his and tasted the saltiness of her own tears mingling with the taste that was uniquely Jack O'Neill.

She was an instant addict, and knew one kiss would never – could never – be enough. There was a reason they'd kept their feelings locked up in that damn room for so long, and that was because once they started this, both knew they wouldn't be able to stop.

Not willingly.

Which was why the tears kept falling, even when he broke the kiss to pull her into his arms instead. She felt his lips brush against her neck, a flashback of the last time he'd held her coming back to her. She'd been crying then, too, upset at the loss of Janet, relieved that he'd been able to defy the odds again and stay with her.

If only she knew then how short-lived the respite would be. If only they'd known the clock was ticking and time was almost up.

"It'll be okay." His voice was muffled against her, so much so that she felt the vibrations of it run through her body. "Trust me, Sam. It'll be okay."

She didn't answer, just tightened her arms around him, praying to whatever fates were out there listening that he was right.

#

No one gets left behind.

The thought kept running through her head like a broken record.

No one gets left behind.

No one.

But they'd left him.

Not willingly – never willingly. But she still felt guilty about it, still saw him encased in glass and ice in the stasis chamber every time she closed her eyes.

They'd left him behind, and she didn't know when or if they'd be able to get him back.

She left the SGC only when she was ordered to do so, and only when Doctor Weir threatened to have the SF's escort her to her car. She still couldn't get him out of her mind, couldn't stop remembering the kiss they'd shared and the look in his eyes as he'd bid them goodbye.

He'd sounded as though he thought it was forever, and a part of her hated him for that. She remembered his words to her, 'it'll be okay', and how she'd taken that as gospel, as a promise.

It wasn't a promise she was willing to let him break.

The drive home was a blur. She parked her car in the drive and didn't notice the truck parked up along the sidewalk. Her mind was full of ideas of how she could help the Colonel, how she could reach their allies and get them to help. They'd already sent messages to the Tok'ra and the Asgard, but so far neither had replied. As much as she wanted her father there to support her on a personal level, she knew the Asgard were Jack's best hope so was already thinking of ways she could get to Thor in person and inform him of Jack's situation. The thoughts distracted her so much that she didn't realise the door to her house was unlocked until she was standing in the hallway and saw Pete waiting with a big grin on his face.

Part of her wanted to walk into his open arms and lose herself for a while.

The other part of her won.

"Pete."

"Hey, Sam. I got worried when you didn't call me back." His grin slipped a little at her unenthusiastic greeting and he covered the gap between them. Something in her body language must have warned him against reaching out for her, though, as his arms fell back to his sides. "Is everything okay? You're not hurt, are you?"

His eyes searched her even as he asked. The concern in his voice and on his face should have warmed her but, instead, Sam felt cold. As cold as the Colonel, she imagined, trapped in his icy glass coffin in Antarctica.

"I'm… I need some space, Pete." The words left her before she could think about what she was saying, but the sense of relief she felt once they were out in the open told her it was the right thing to do. She felt guilty for leading him on, guilty that one kiss with Jack had meant more to her than three months' worth of dates with Pete. She felt guilty that she didn't feel guilty enough about kissing Jack behind Pete's back, but the feeling of rightness she'd had when in the Colonel's arms told her he was who she was meant to be with, even if it meant waiting. "I'm sorry. I know it's a cliché," and Jack hated cliches, she thought briefly, "but it really is true. It's not you, you're wonderful. But I… I'm not in the right place for this. I can't – I can't be what you want or deserve."

Pete listened, his eyes narrowing. As a cop, he was used to reading between the lines. "There's someone else," he said, a statement, not a question. He sounded resigned, but not surprised. "I know you wanted to take this slow, Sam, that you said it was complicated… But there is someone else, isn't there?"

She closed her eyes, unable to deny it. "I'm sorry."

"You and me both." He brushed past her, heading towards the door. She opened her eyes and turned to see him pause. "If you change your mind, you know where I am."

She knew where she could find him, but also knew she wouldn't get in touch. She'd tried too long, too hard to make a relationship doomed to failure work. She'd invested a lot of time into it, telling herself it was what she wanted, telling herself it was what she deserved.

It wasn't. It was what she thought she wanted, but settling for second best wasn't an option anymore.

She knew what she wanted, and she was going to make sure she got it.

No matter how long it took.

#

Relief at finally being able to do something warred with fear that, by the time she got back – if she got back – it would be too late. Teal'c was piloting the modified cargo ship, which gave Sam a chance to try and distract herself from thoughts of Jack by studying the engines. If only she was able to put him out of her mind while she was doing it, she thought she might've made more progress.

Giving up for a while, seeking a distraction, she made herself a sandwich and left the back of the ship to join her teammate.

"Hey, Teal'c. Can I get you anything?" She picked at her own sandwich; her appetite was non-existent but she felt like she had to at least go through the motions. "I packed lots of turkey, I know it's your favourite."

Teal'c glanced at her, a small smile playing on his lips. "Thank you, but I am not currently hungry." His gaze lingered for a moment, before returning to the viewscreen in front of them and the dazzling array of stars they passed. "Have you been able to determine how O'Neill modified the engines?"

"No. I'm just taking a break. I didn't think it would be easy, but at least it's a good way to pass the time. I'm sorry. have I been ignoring you?" Feeling guilty that she hadn't taken his feelings into account – still waters certainly ran deep where Teal'c was concerned, she knew – Sam sat down in the co-pilot's chair.

Her teammate, however, didn't appear too upset by her neglect. "I am fine."

She nodded, having expected the answer. Still, she was reluctant to return to the engines, to the daunting task ahead of her. She, too, looked at the stars whizzing by, and she knew she'd never tire of it - though she wished the ship would move faster. She was desperate to reach Asgard space, desperate to make contact with Thor. He was her last – only – hope for saving Jack.

"I thought maybe working on the engines would help take my mind off Colonel O'Neill, which is kind of silly, considering he's the one who modified them," she admitted, knowing she could trust Teal'c to understand. "I know this plan isn't exactly fool proof. I've never plotted an intergalactic course before. I mean, if the coordinates are off by even one half of a per cent, we could wind up ten thousand light-years from our destination." She couldn't stop herself from babbling, from voicing her fears. At least she was with Teal'c, who she knew she could trust. Her teammates were amongst the few she could truly be herself with. She took a deep breath and nodded, mostly to herself. "But still, I'm trying to stay positive."

Teal'c inclined his head, the corners of his lips quirking upwards ever so slightly. "I have the utmost confidence in your ability."

"I know." And she would never not be grateful for it, for him and his confidence in her. It was the same unwavering confidence she had in each of her teammates, a knowledge that no matter what they wouldn't let each other down. Remembering that brought her guilt back with a vengeance. They'd left Jack behind and she was determined to put that right. "So, you wanna talk?" She asked, desperately in need of a distraction from her thoughts.

A low rumble escaped him. It could have meant yes or no; sometimes it was difficult to tell with Teal'c. "Concerning what subject?"

"I don't know." Anything, she thought with a sigh. "How's Rya'c?"

"Fine."

Sam stifled a sigh, watching the stars. "You still keeping in touch with Ishta?" She thought he was, and hoped he was. She liked the female Jaffa and thought her a perfect match for her friend.

Teal'c appeared to agree but didn't go into any details. "Indeed."

"Bra'tac?" She tried again.

"Bra'tac is well."

She sighed and shook her head. "Come on, Teal'c. Throw me a bone here."

He gave her a sidelong glance, an eyebrow quirked. "How is Pete Shanahan?"

"He's fine, as far as I know," she said with a shrug. Suddenly, the stars were very interesting again. She tried a smile, but it felt more like a grimace.

"Is not all well between the two of you?" Teal'c enquired.

"No. I mean, everything's fine. It's… I ended it." She felt his gaze on her and shrugged. "It's just, as you well know, it's not easy saying goodbye to someone you care about when you think there's a chance you may never see them again." She saw him nod out of the corner of her eye and wondered if he knew she was thinking about Jack even as she spoke about Pete. Saying goodbye to the Colonel had been a thousand times harder than breaking up with Pete. "I know that's a risk we take every time we step through the Stargate, but still." It was a risk they accepted; one they took. One she'd continue to take every time she stepped through the gate, with or without Jack O'Neill at her side. "I'm trying to stay positive."

About Jack. About their relationship.

About the future she dreamed of, hoped for more than she'd hoped for anything before in her life.

She smiled and glanced at Teal'c to find a small, knowing grin on his face. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, she got to her feet. "I'll get you a sandwich."

#

She knew the moment she woke up that it wasn't real. She remembered being on Thor's ship, remembered being beamed away by Fifth. She remembered his repeated torture of her, the pain of having her mind exposed to him. She remembered sobbing, unable to contain her emotions after the endless assault and too many sleepless nights worrying about the Colonel and the pain of having the only hope she had of saving him be dashed.

The farmhouse was beautiful, picked out of her memory. She'd had a great aunt who lived on a ranch and vaguely recognised the furniture as having been taken directly from her hazy memories of a childhood summer spent there learning to ride horses under her mother's watchful eye. It'd been the last summer she'd spent with her mom, the last summer before her childhood had been so cruelly ripped away.

When she heard someone walking out of the barn, she prepared herself. Readied herself. If this was a projection, an image Fifth had created to torment and to torture, then she was fully expecting her companion in the scenario to be –

Pete?

No. She frowned, shaking herself mentally. Pete wasn't who she would've chosen to settle down with, move away with, but as soon as the thought occurred, she fought it back, desperate to keep it from Fifth.

Desperate to keep him from using Jack against her.

The Pete in the strange, unreal world was eerily similar to the Pete she'd left behind on Earth in some ways and yet different in others. The glimpse of his temper that came through with frustration that she wouldn't believe he was real, wouldn't believe that she'd honestly left the SGC to set up a life with him in the middle of nowhere…

That unnerved her and unsettled her. Though she'd not seen that kind of darkness in him, she recognised that on some level she'd always been aware it was there. It reminded her of another man, of Jonas Hanson, and she told herself she'd had a lucky escape.

#

It was a surreal feeling, to find himself suddenly awake but not in his body. He wondered if it was anything like Carter's experience with the entity that had transferred her consciousness into the SGC mainframe but quickly decided it wasn't. From what she'd said, she'd felt cut off from everything, deprived of sensory stimulation in every way possible.

For Jack, it was different.

He was free to travel throughout the system, his mind able to process the information readily available on Thor's ship.

He was able to access the visual sensors and see his team – well, Daniel and Teal'c – standing with Thor beside the stasis chamber, and was able to see himself, which was a wholly weird experience. He could read the sensors monitoring his body's status, and was vaguely reassured that Thor seemed to know what he was doing, but then he realised that there was a member of his team missing, the very person he'd been hoping and expecting to see.

Carter.

Thinking of her must have summoned up whatever files Thor had about her on the ship – and there were lots of them, some he wondered about. A record of the times she'd met the Asgard and saved their tiny grey asses, a file full of information from medical scans he assumed the Asgard ship must automatically run to make sure there was no danger posed by the Tau'ri being aboard.

And then he reached the conversation Daniel had had with Teal'c and heard the recording in his head – kind of. It was a strange thing to think but he would've sworn his heart had stopped beating for a moment, a lingering memory of what it felt like to feel pain going through him.

In the recording, Jack heard and say Daniel look around the Asgard ship, a frown on his face as he asked Teal'c where Sam was. He saw the grave look on Teal'c face, the glimmer of pain in the stoic Jaffa's eyes and heard it in his grim voice.

"She was captured by replicators. The ship was destroyed."

Sam was gone. Sam was dead.

After everything he'd done to save the goddamn world once more and it was too late to make all of the sacrifices worthwhile.

Sam Carter was dead, and, for a dark moment, Jack O'Neill didn't care if he never got back into his body.

He played the fool as was expected of him, buying himself some time. When Thor suggested he appear to them as a hologram, he waited a moment longer to make sure there was nothing in the projected image that would give his turmoil away.

It was more than weird to see a version of himself appear on the bridge, and to then be able to see through that version's eyes, too. He concentrated, letting the part of his brain still acting with the knowledge of the Ancients to carry on doing whatever it was doing while forming a barrier between himself and the ships mainframe. He breathed a sigh of relieve when what he was 'seeing' through the ship faded, like a TV channel set on mute. His main link, for the moment, was with the hologram, allowing him to walk over to the stasis chamber holding his body.

"I've never looked better," he said dryly, wincing at how weak his physical form looked. It didn't matter, a small voice at the back of his mind told him darkly. It didn't matter anymore; without Sam, he didn't have much in the way of hopes for the future or use for the physical form in front of him.

"There is not much time, O'Neill," Thor prompted him.

Teal'c gave a small nod to show his agreement. "Thor's planet…"

"I know," Jack interrupted. "Ships log." He hoped that would be enough, that they wouldn't say anything else.

"Can you help with the replicators?" Thor asked, unaware that he – or part of him – already was.

"Already on it," he said with a shrug, not entirely sure what the ship was doing but knowing that somewhere, it was doing something because he'd commanded it to.

Daniel took a step closer to him, his blue eyes dark with grief and worry. "Jack," he started, hesitating. Not knowing how to say it, not knowing he didn't have to.

"Daniel," Jack interrupted again. "The computer recorded the whole conversation. Thanks for your concern." His throat hurt, though he told himself that was impossible. He couldn't be having a physical reaction to losing Sam because he didn't have a physical form, though it felt like he was on the verge of breaking down. He looked at the three of them, tried in vain to not think about the person who wasn't there. "Talk amongst yourselves," he ordered and allowed his mind to shut down the hologram.

He needed a moment.

A long moment.

He needed the solitude of the darkness, the distraction of the mainframe.

He needed... Sam.

#