When Jeff enters the school gym, the first person—rather the first "human being"—he encounters is the inhuman attempt at inclusion gone wrong that is the Greendale Human Being mascot. Today, it's wearing a sash that reads "bachelor(ette)".

At the center of the gym, the usual stage is adorned with bright lights and streamers. Jeff scans the assembled crowd for his friends but comes up empty. Muttering to himself about what he'll do to the others if he's the only one to show, Jeff pushes his way through the herd toward the refreshment table. Halfway there, he spots a woman setting out a stack of napkins; she has beachy brunette waves and wears a green halter dress flowing down to her impressively-shaped calves and high heels. When did the dean hire a new assistant?

It occurs to Jeff that it's been a very long time since he's been on a real date; no wonder he keeps getting weirdly hung-up on Annie. This whole year, he hasn't even paid attention to other women. Maybe she and the rest of the group have been cramping his style long enough. Besides, if Annie is getting back together with Vaughn, maybe it's time he started noticing women again. As luck would have it, here's one he's attracted to, and she hasn't even turned around yet. Decision made, he strides forward with a self-assured smile, feeling more like Jeff "Tango" Winger than he has the whole year.

As Jeff prepares to reach into his rusty repertoire of pick-up lines, she turns; Jeff halts, nearly staggering backward. It's Annie. Damn it. Of course it is. Jeff is finally attracted to another woman, and she turns out to be just Annie dressed in a very non-Annie way. He would laugh if it didn't also kind of piss him off.

From across the room, she smiles and waves. He feigns a smile and lifts a hand. She goes back to arranging the table, and Rich arrives carrying a tray of cookies. Jeff's eyes narrow with a pang of jealousy when she laughs and touches the handsome doctor's elbow. They exchange smiles and words Jeff can't hear. When Rich walks away, Annie excitedly waves Jeff over. He manages to make his dejected legs move towards her.

"Jeff, you have to try these cookies!"

He takes the napkin she extends to him. "Let me guess. Rich made them."

"Yeah. Can you believe he bakes? How many doctors also bake, right?" When Jeff stands motionless, she rolls her eyes. "Just eat it, Jeff. I promise it's worth the carbs."

He takes a bite. Damn it. It's like chocolate caramel heaven in his mouth, but there's no way he's ever admitting that. "It's not terrible." He swallows and sets the rest of the cookie on the table. "So you and Rich seem friendly again."

Her eyelashes flutter before she tilts her head and lifts one shoulder. "He just turned me down for a date. I'm not that petty. He didn't poison my hypothetical dog." She's as bubbly as ever as she reaches under the table and pulls out a stack of plastic cups. "He's a great guy."

Jeff nods, ignoring the adoration in her voice. Annie can—and should have a crush on anyone she likes. Rich, Vaughn, Mark Ruffalo. She could date them all—at the same time if she wanted to. It's none of Jeff's business.

As she arranges the cups into neat stacks, Annie leans over and inadvertently reveals an intriguing amount of skin. Jeff swallows and directs his eyes to the punch bowl. "Yeah. Sure. Rich is the best."

"Stop pretending you don't like him. I noticed you two were pretty chummy for a while."

He laughs at the Annie-ness of her response. "Chummy?"

"Yes, chummy." Her lips curve upward, and she challenges him with her eyes. "People still use that word."

Captivated by her affectionate smile and adorable determination to defend her antiquated slang, Jeff smirks. "Uh huh."

She looks away and shyly sweeps her hair behind her ear as if she's trying to ignore that he doesn't really take issue with her word choice. "Whatever."

Maybe it's the way the absurd stage lighting seems to be making her skin glow or maybe it's the fond smile that lingers as she returns to her task, but Jeff can't take his eyes off her. "You look great." The words are out of his mouth before he even realizes he's said them.

Mid refreshments re-arranging, Annie freezes. "Um… Thanks." Her cheeks take on a pink hue as her eyes shift down to her dress and she fusses with her neckline. "My aunt gave me this. I never had the guts to wear it be—" She stops as she realizes what she's saying and focuses on Jeff. "You look—"

"Under-dressed compared to you," he jokes, looking down at his jeans.

"Well, no one is bidding on you. So considering that, you look great."

"Thanks." He watches her pull out a box of sporks. "Do you need help?"

Annie directs him to the tasks remaining, and for that brief window, it's just the two of them. Jeff is the most content he's ever felt. No one else in the room matters; just the joy of being in her presence and watching her smile.

"Check. Check."

The sound of the dean's voice crackles through the air, and Jeff feels embarrassed for the ridiculous degree of sentimentality he found in something as mundane as setting up a snack table. He takes one last look at Annie before dragging himself back to reality.

"Hello, Greendale!" Dean Pelton announces. "Welcome to our bachelorette auction. I'd like to thank everyone for coming. Before we start, I have a brief announcement. I'm glad to see so many of you carrying fistfuls of what we've referred to until now as greenbacks, however, I was recently informed that 'greenback' is offensive to the Irish."

In response to the collective confusion of the crowd, the dean replies, "I know. Can you believe it? I had no idea either."

Jeff looks down at Annie, exchanging a perplexed expression.

The dean continues, "We've also been getting a lot of feedback that we don't cater to our students from India and of Indian descent. So after extensive Facebook research, I discovered they prefer to be called Native Americans." The crowd groans. "So we've decided to rename the currency in honor of this neglected segment of our student body."

"Oh geez," Jeff mutters.

"So get your wampum ready!" Dean Pelton shouts. "The bidding starts in five minutes."

Annie looks up at Jeff. "Wampum? Is that offensive?"

He shakes his head. "After this long at Greendale, I don't even know anymore."

As the dean attempts to step away from the microphone, he manages to get tangled in the cable. As he stumbles around unraveling himself, Jeff remembers the rest of the wacky band of misfits is still missing.

"Where is everybody?"

The dean continues stumbling around the stage as Annie replies, "Britta and Shirley are getting ready in the bathroom. Troy and Abed are editing their movie. Pierce is probably with them, still trying to get Abed to give him a role." She nods toward the door Rich had exited earlier. "Rich went to get them."

Jeff casts his eyes toward Annie as he notices the warmth of her shoulder against his arm. He smiles as he allows himself to remember kissing her after an event not that different from this one.

"Make any decisions about Vaughn?" The question slips out.

She shakes her head. "Not really. One on hand, we had a good relationship. On the other, if we were right together, why didn't I go to Delaware with him?" She's silent for a few seconds then sighs. "Obviously something was missing right?"

Jeff nods and feels a wave of relief involuntarily pass over him.

His solace is short-lived as Annie continues, "I don't know though. He's really sweet. Writing me songs and sending me flowers." She giggles fondly. "He sent me gifts in every one of my classes today. I had to ask him to stop and give me some space to think about things."

Jeff's stomach twists. He has a fleeting impulse to suggest that she could find someone better, but he knows if he even makes a slight implication that he disapproves, Annie will demand he explain himself for once again trying to keep her away from other guys. She would see right through him, and unless he's finally willing to give her the relationship she deserves, she would be furious with Jeff for selfishly interfering again. Not for the first time, Jeff questions whether the greater evil is to watch Annie with another man or to risk hurting her by subjecting her to the likes of Jeff Winger.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary!" the dean announces from the stage. "Thank you all for everything you've done for charity. Give yourselves a round of applause."

The room erupts and Jeff grunts. "So we're still calling doing chores for faculty 'charity'. Is that an insult to actual charities?"

Annie grins and pokes him in the rib with her elbow. "Don't be too harsh. It makes him feel more useful."

"Now get ready for our first bachelor or bachelorette!" Dean Pelton shouts.

"Oh no! I'm supposed to be in line." Annie rushes off, leaving Jeff alone to regret another missed opportunity to ask Annie to forget about Vaughn and give him another chance.

"Hey, Jeff."

He turns to see Abed and Troy arrive, both with green slips of paper in their hands. "Hey," he answers, noticing Troy already made his way to the snacks. "How's your movie coming?"

"Almost finished, but I'm still missing one of the most important parts. I could use you in that leading man role."

"Sorry, I can't clear my schedule."

"These cookies are amazing!" Troy interrupts through a mouthful. "Did you know Rich bakes cookies?"

"Yeah." Jeff rolls his eyes. " Everybody knows Rich bakes."

Abed perks up at the change in Jeff's voice. "Are you still jealous of Rich?"

"No. Why do you always assume I'm jealous?"

"You're very insecure." Abed waves his hands in a smooth, open gesture. "Plus you have an existential crisis whenever a guy pays attention to Annie. Since Rich has been helping her out today, it's in character for you to start freaking out again. Maybe end up making some kind of impulsive romantic overture."

"Yeah. Well, you're wrong, and that's ridiculous."

"Cool." Abed pulls a stack of auction bills out and starts flipping through them. "You know, Rich has quite a pile of these greenbacks."

"The dean is calling them wampum now," Jeff corrects.

Troy freezes, cookie midway to his mouth. "That seems offensive."

"Yeah. If you heard his whole announcement, it only makes it worse."

Troys raises an eyebrow then with a half-eaten cookie sticking out of his mouth, begins counting his handful of lime green paper.

Abed waves his stack of money again. "Yeah, Rich has a lot of greenbacks. He's planning to buy a certain member of our study group."

"Hmm..." Jeff mutters as his eyes move from the stage to the line of students up for auction. Most are people he's seen but doesn't know. Britta and Shirley have managed to end up close to the front. Annie stands in the back half of the line. When Abed's words finally register, Jeff whips his head around. "Wait. What? Did he say that?"

"Yep. His exact words."

Jeff looks to Troy for confirmation, but he receives only cookie-muffled mumbles.

"Why?" He searches the crowd for Rich. "That doesn't make sense."

Abed shrugs as the dean pronounces a blonde sold for fifteen hundred.

Rich is buying Annie? After his noble act of turning her down for being too young? Maybe Mr. Perfect isn't so perfect after all. Maybe it was just some twisted manipulation where he turns women down just to make them more into him later. Like those douchebags who insult insecure women at bars as a pick-up line. Whatever his game, Jeff isn't letting Rich get away with it.

Jeff clenches his jaw and stares at the stage. "I need fake money."

From beside him, Abed replies, "Don't look at me. I tried to pay you for a role."

###

Jeff walks into the empty hallway and heads toward the booth, sitting under a banner that once read "greenbacks" but has now been scratched out via a black marker. Jeff groans when he sees a certain, dramatically enthusiastic, day-seizing professor behind the counter.

As Jeff approaches, Professor Whitman shouts, "Jeff Winger! Excellent to see you! Have you purchased yourself a lovely lady this evening?"

If there's any chance of this working, he has to win over Whitman, so Jeff swallows his instinctive sarcasm and puts on his most exuberant smile. "Professor Whitman, wouldn't ya know it, that's exactly what I'm here to see you about." Whitman's eyebrows raise with intrigue, and Jeff leans his elbow on the booth with his other hand on his hip with the dramatic flair of a vaudeville movie. "I need some auction money."

"Absolutely! That's what I'm here for." Whitman holds his hand out toward Jeff. "Just pass me your voucher, and I'll have you bidding in a jiffy."

"Yeah..." Jeff's smile slips as he looks around to make sure they're alone. "Here's the problem. I don't have a voucher."

Whitman's eyes pop open in surprise. "They didn't give you a voucher for your volunteer work?"

"Here's the other problem." Jeff lowers his voice quiet enough to confess a secret. "I didn't do any volunteer work."

The professor's back straightens and his eyes bulge wide. "Then why are you here?"

Jeff leans in as he tries to wield his rusty powers of manipulation. "Professor, I need a favor." He places his hand on Whitman's shoulder. "Your initial impulse is going to be to say no, but before you respond, I want you to take a moment and consider seizing this opportunity to help a fellow human being in need."

Whitman's voice lowers. "Jeffrey, what are you asking?"

Jeff tilts his head in the direction of the phony money. "I'll give you fifty bucks for ten thousand of those things."

Whitman's mouth falls open. "Jeffrey!"

"A hundred?"

Professor Whitman drops his voice to a shouted whisper. "I can't do that! That is dishonest, and frankly I'm appalled."

Jeff groans and plants his face in his palm. He scrubs his hand through his hair, takes a deep breath, and decides on another tactic. "Okay. You win. I promise to clean chalkboards and erase penises from textbooks later if you give me some money for the auction."

Whitman crosses his arms over his chest. "That would hardly be fair to everyone who had to finish their charity work first."

Jeff tosses his head back and glares at the ceiling. "There is no charity. Stop calling it that!"

Whitman takes a step back. "Well somebody is quite the sour puss."

Jeff balls his hands at his sides. "Professor, please just give me the damned fake money!"

"You mean wampum."

Jeff slams his fist on the counter. "I am not calling it that!"

Whitman jumps. "Jeffrey, what has gotten into you?"

Jeff sighs, deflating until his shoulders slump. "I need to buy someone."

"Ooh!" The professor's face softens. "Does the infamous ladies' man Jeff Winger have an unrequited crush?"

"Yes." Jeff blinks. "I mean no. I just need to keep her from being bought by some jerk and getting hurt again."

Whitman smiles. "Now why didn't you just say so in the first place. I'd have to be a heartless monster not to help with such a noble cause." He reaches into a small metal box and pulls out two short stacks of bills before peering down the hallway to confirm they're still alone. "Here, I can spare two thousand without the dean noticing. It'll cost you twenty hours of work." Whitman leans in and winks. "But you can do it later."

###

As Jeff walks into the gym with his newly acquired bills, Dean Pelton announces a bachelor as sold. He directs the purchased student off the stage then turns to the crowd with a hand on his hip.

"It's been brought to my attention that some of you slackers aren't paying up. So you now have sixty seconds after your bid to come to the fulfillment table or your date goes to the next highest bidder." His voice softens. "Now, it's not that we don't trust you—" A voice interrupts him from the table to the right of the stage, then he amends, "No, I'm sorry. It is that we don't trust you. Folks, pay up quickly is all I'm saying."

Abed turns his head as Jeff steps next to him and Troy. "Jeff, you just missed it."

"Missed what?"

"Rich's bid." Abed nods toward the right of the stage. "He won."

"What!?" Jeff's eyes follow Abed's to where Rich is leaving the fulfillment table. With his heart dropping, Jeff looks for Annie and finally sees her still at the back of the line of waiting bachelors and bachelorettes.

"Yeah," Troy replies. "He bought Britta. He bid six thousand right off the bat. You should have seen it. It was so... efficient ." He looks up at Abed. "Why did we waste time on all those bids when we could have just started with a higher number than everybody else?"

Jeff stares at the stage as he processes Troy's words. Annie was never within Rich's sights. There was never anything to worry about. Jeff's shoulders relax; he grins, almost laughing at his own mistake.

Abed tilts his head and inspects Jeff. "You don't seem upset. The way you reacted earlier, I thought you'd be more bothered by the news."

Jeff beams. "Yeah. I um..."

"You didn't realize I was talking about Britta." Abed continues to scrutinize Jeff. "You thought I meant Annie."

Jeff stifles his smile and scoffs. "No, I didn't."

"Oh. I guess I was wrong." Abed watches the stage where another student is being auctioned. Studying Abed, Jeff's eyes narrow. Did his friend mislead him on purpose? Abed turns to Jeff then looks down at the bills in his hand. "Are you planning to bid on someone?"

The sneaky bastard.