Chapter 4

Talaan came back to herself slowly, echoes of Maimouna's mood still floating in her head. The arches had only the normal number of shadows now, and she was standing next to—probably—a different low wall than the one she'd started out in. She thought the crater pattern around the edge looked different, anyway. It appeared she'd made it through.

She felt bone-weary, wrung out from the adrenaline rush of being Maimouna in crisis mode. The people from Mael an'Onir were her ancestors, for sure; Atha'an Miere who had taken their knowledge of shipbuilding and turned it towards a different kind of ship, and a different kind of sea. "Maimouna den Juma" even sounded like an Atha'an Miere name.

But the original moon people were her family, too, even beyond the evidence of blood ties; Kauri and his tattoos, Manaia and their fierce defense of their community. She recognized these elements of her culture. They had survived the Breaking of the World. They had survived the trip back to a transformed Earth. Talaan had done what they'd hoped for; she had returned, thousands of years later, to her ancestral home, and lived the stories of her family.

Talaan began to cry again. I wonder how much of this story my mother knew? I wish I could ask her. I wish I could tell her about this.

Working the protective bubble and Travelling flows through her tears, she headed back to her current home.

/

When Talaan appeared back in her room, Bode was there, looking like she hadn't slept in a day or so.

"Oh good! You're back!" Bode said, reaching out to hug Talaan, but falling back awkwardly as Talaan sidestepped her. "You were gone for an entire day, I told everyone you had a headache but I think they were starting to get worried— hey, what's wrong?"

Talaan scrubbed at the tear tracks on her face, abrading her face and turning her fingers grey. Stupid moon dust. She couldn't deal with Bode right now. She couldn't deal with anything right now. "Nothing. Can you go? I want to be alone."

Bode looked at her uncertainly. "Sure, I guess. If you're sure you don't need anything." She turned to go, but then burst out, "Real quick, though—did you find out how to get in to the buildings?"

Talaan's frustration and heartsickness suddenly boiled over into rage. "Seriously? Is that all you care about? You're so nosy, do you even have real friends or just people you want something from?" She saw Bode's face go white and knew she'd gone too far, but she barely felt the guilt. She needed Bode out of her space.

Bode said in a choked-up voice, "It might have started out that way with us, but I genuinely thought we were friends now. I've wanted to be your friend since we sealed the bargain to go to the moon."

Talaan stared at her blankly, which Bode apparently took for permission to continue.

"I approached you to learn about Cloud Dancing because I was hoping you would eventually put in a good word for me with Tiana and she'd let me do the program with the Atha'an Miere. I figured your recommendation might tip the scales. It was manipulative. But now I know you a little, and I think you're really great and brave and smart, and I want to be your friend for real now. I have since the bargain. So I'll go. I'm really sorry. I'll tell people you're okay, but sleeping, so they don't bug you."

Bode exited quickly, shutting the door behind her. Talaan stared after her. She couldn't think about this now. She climbed into bed, moon dust and all, and closed her eyes.

/

When she woke up, the light in her room was golden and warm. It was mid-afternoon. She washed her hands and face in the basin and noticed that she had a new tattoo on her right hand. It was a small but perfect replica of the moon ter'angreal design, as seen from space; a compass rose with four spikes and four arrows at the interstices, with the surrounding decorative low walls represented by curving lines.

She bent to examine it further, but was distracted by the growling of her stomach.

Talaan didn't feel ready to deal with multiple Accepted all asking her how she was feeling, but she steeled herself; she'd have to go down to the kitchens to get food. She got dressed, opened the door and found a tray of sweetened porridge, some bacon, and a glass of water left just outside the door. A Keeping had been woven over it, so the porridge was steaming, the bacon was still crispy, and the water was cold. There was a note with it. Talaan unfolded the paper, which read 'I'm sorry. Let me know if you want to talk. If not, I understand and won't bother you again. –B.'

Talaan took the food and the note inside her room and shut the door. She wasn't certain how she felt about the whole Bode situation, yet, but the food was appreciated. As she ate, she thought about it.

Bode was calculating and overly curious and did not know when to shut up, but she did own up to her mistakes and try to learn from them. And Talaan still felt that she could be trusted, in a weird way— Bode certainly did a lot of confessing, but only to her own misdeeds; she didn't share other people's secrets. Bode was not naturally good at respecting boundaries – rather the opposite – but she was trying. Talaan did believe that if she never replied to the note, Bode wouldn't pester her.

And hadn't Talaan been a bit calculating, too? She'd seized on the chance to get to know Bode better for pragmatic, even strategic reasons. But once she'd decided to try to pursue the friendship, she'd had fun, and done incredible things that she'd never have done on her own. And… she liked Bode, for all her faults, and all her strengths. Besides, there wasn't anyone else she could talk to about all this.

Talaan put the note in her pocket and went to go find Bode.

/

She knocked on Bode's door, and was almost blown away by the speed with which it opened. Bode stood there, looking nervous but hopeful once she saw it was Talaan.

"Hey. Let's talk," Talaan said, smiling, and Bode sagged with relief.

"How are you doing? Are you still hungry? How mad at me are you right now, on a scale of one to ten, one being 'we're fine' and ten being 'I will murder you'?" Bode said, gesturing her towards the bed, where they sat facing each other.

"I'm… fragile. But doing better, and physically fine. I'm not hungry now, thanks for saving breakfast for me. And I suppose I'm like… a three on that scale?" Talaan said.

"That's better than I expected," said Bode. "On all counts, actually."

Talaan sighed. "I think we were both using each other a bit, at first. You may have noticed that I'm not a social butterfly. I wasn't going to turn down an opportunity to have someone as popular as you owe me a favor. But I really do like you, and we've had a magnificent adventure." Talaan took a deep breath. "I believe you when you say you actually want to be my friend for real. I'd like to be your friend for real, too."

This time, she was prepared for Bode's bone-crushing hug. "Thank you!"

"You're welcome. Please let me breathe," Talaan said, dryly.

"Sorry!" Bode let go immediately, looking contrite.

"It's ok. And I'm sorry I snapped at you so dramatically earlier. The things I saw… they were so emotionally draining, even though they weren't all bad, and I was so tired, and I just wanted you to leave me alone. I said things I didn't really mean, just to make you go away."

"Well, you were in fact correct, and I should have left the first time you asked and not bugged you. I'll do better next time, if there is one," Bode said.

"Thanks. And speaking of what I saw… I'll tell you all the details later, including the technical bits, but I just want to talk through my feelings about it first, if I can? I'm not looking for advice right now, I just want someone to listen first," Talaan said.

"I can do that," said Bode.

Talaan outlined in broad strokes what she'd seen in the moon ter'angreal: Kauri's death by madness, Manaia's discovery of the refugee ship full of early Atha'an Miere, Maimona's decision to return to Earth and commission the ter'angreal.

"It just hit me, afterwards— I'd fulfilled their dream. They'd left this message in a bottle, for me, and I found it, three thousand years later. And I realized that all the things I'd done— finding the city, seeing the history of our people brought to life, proving that my mother's research and theories were fundamentally true—my mother would absolutely love to know what I know. She'd love to see the moon city and walk through the ter'angreal."

Talaan scrubbed at her eyes. "I desperately wish I could talk to my mother about this. I care about you and I'm glad you're here to hear about this, but this would be so meaningful to my mother. Truthfully, I wish I was speaking to her now, instead of you." She looked at Bode. "But I'm not coming to her with this, obviously, because I don't trust her anymore, and I trust you."

Bode's eyes were filled with tears, too, and she gave Talaan a gentle hug.

Talaan went on, "I wish I could be certain that if I brought this to her, she would act like she loved me and was proud of me, and not just worry about the political implications. But that seems more fantastical right now than what I just went through."

She smoothed her skirts, looking at the new tattoo on the back of her hand. "I know we aren't supposed to talk about the Accepted test. But I can't stop thinking about it. I tested for Accepted the very first day I came to the Tower. Merelille Sedai was one of the administrators, because she was almost the only one there who knew me at all, and she knew how to break me. Not surprising, really, since we'd been broken by the same people, and Merelille is much more competent than I think people give her credit for being.

In the last ring of the test, my mother stood before me and said 'Daughter, come back, we were too hard on you. What other people think about us doesn't matter.'

They almost had me on "Daughter". I almost turned back and was lost in the ter'angreal forever. But I could not believe that my mother would really say the rest of it. That's what made me choose the Tower and finish the test. I realized that day that I'd lost faith in my mother caring about me, more than she cared about status or propriety."

Talaan hiccoughed a little, then went on. "This discovery would be hugely important to her, personally and professionally. And it's something that I did within the context of the White Tower, with White Tower support."

She looked fondly at Bode. "Maybe, coming to her as an Aes Sedai who independently reconnected our people to this lost information would be enough to make her stop pretending not to know me. For better or for worse, I know how to manipulate political situations. But is it going to change what happened in the past? Is it going to change how betrayed I felt, that I had to leave my family and come here in the first place? I don't know."

Talaan fell silent.

Bode spoke. "That's… that's a lot for you to deal with. It sounds really difficult. I'm glad you told me, though."

Talaan gave her a quick hug. "Thanks for listening."

They sat in companionable silence for a short while, but Talaan could tell Bode was dying to say something, so she gave permission. "Out with it."

"You asked some questions at the end. Do you want advice about them?" asked Bode. "Totally fine if you don't! But I wanted to check."

"Since you asked so politely, I am actually curious about what you think," said Talaan.

"Your questions were all about your feelings about what happened in the past, and not so much about what to do in the future. I think whatever you choose to do about the moon city, and telling people about it, will be the right choice. But I'm pretty sure that it isn't going to give you closure with your ma. That's a separate thing you're going to have to figure out for yourself. Are you going to forgive her? And if you do, under what conditions could your relationship grow again?"

Talaan looked at her in surprise. "You know, that's actually very wise. I'll think about that."

Bode smiled, clearly delighted. "Well, if you ever want to talk it out, I'm here. I tend to come down in favor of forgiveness, but I'm a terrible person sometimes, so I would say that."

"Thanks, Bode. You're not completely terrible."

"Obviously. I'm a delight."

/