Greetings, ladies, gentlemen, and those who hate the phrase "ladies and gentlemen!" I'm totally trademarking this intro, by the way. Move over, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, because we have a new winner right here.

Seriously, though. Ladies and gentlemen is a really stupid phrase.

Anyway! Welcome, whether you're here because you think I'm a super awesome writer and you want to know my secrets, or you've read my other stuff and were curious, or maybe you think your writing could use some improving and the rainbow girl and her trashcan could help you. The rainbow girl and her trashcan will try their best.

Since this is the first chapter, I figured, why not start at the beginning of the writing process? And that is...

Ideas!

I know, I know. Generating ideas is a nightmare. I hate it. You hate it. Everyone hates it. Still, you gotta do it.

"But A. Fan!" you cry. "We don't want to!"

Well, too bad. You have to.

Method one: Just start typing!

If you're a diehard planner like me, you're probably saying "W-what? How? How can you start writing with no idea what's going to happen? This is ridiculous. Your book is terrible and unhelpful. I'm out." But hear me out, diehard planners. You don't have to do it, but it might be worth a try. After all, there was that one time I described a beautiful girl in the sunset and then it ended up a possibly gay murder mystery. Good times, good times.

This doesn't take a whole lot of planning. Literally. Just type whatever comes into your mind. Start by describing scenery, or a random line of dialogue that pops into your head, or an emotion, or literally anything. Then see where it takes you. For example, I like describing scenery, so I could write something like...

It was midday, but Nova could barely see in front of her from the thickness of the forest. Branches blotted out the sun, making it impossible to see. Twigs snapped below her feet whenever she walked, and since she couldn't see, she kept walking into trees. Her legs ached. She''d been walking for so long... and just wanted to rest... but she couldn't.

They would catch her if she did.

And just like that, you have Nova (from Renegades, Marissa Meyer) on the run from some vague, mysterious entity (probably the Renegades). That sounds like a pretty interesting idea to expand on! No need to thank me. (Bows, trips over feet, falls flat on face. Everyone laughs. So do I. Queen of self deprecation right here.)

Method two: Train of thought.

Fine, fine. You're too stuck in your planner ways to do the above. It's just not working for you. My advice is terrible. "Bring out the guillotines," you say, shaking your head. You should have known better than to trust me. "Off with her head."

But wait! Wait! Stop the guillotines! We need them for the billionaires, and I am not a billionaire. Also, I have more advice!

My advice is to think about things. And then think about more things. And then think about even more things until something useful happens. Again, this probably does sound like terrible advice, but trust me. Actually, don't trust me. That's a terrible idea. But trust me on this.

For example: I am listening to rock music. Assuming non coronavirus times, someone could listen to rock music at a concert. If I went to a concert, it would probably be because my friend dragged me there, since I hate going to crowded places and my head would probably explode. The things I do for my friends, I swear...

Anyway. Your main character is an introvert with an extrovert friend. They both like music.

The music I'm currently listening to is a breakup song from a guy to his girlfriend. Or boyfriend...? Nah. He's been using female pronouns. Pity.

Maybe your main character just had a bad breakup with their personfriend. Datemate? Datemate. Datemate is the best gender neutral dating term, fight me. And, in the nature of extrovert friends, the friend is probably trying to pair them up with someone new. They are very persistent in their matchmaking.

Finally, to shut them up, your main character picks a [gender they're attracted to] from the crowd at random. To their immense dismay, the victim says yes.

Now, there are a lot of ways you can go with this. Fake dating turned real type trope. Maybe the MC was in love with their best friend all along. The person was a member of the band. The MC and their fake datemate are both aromantic but get married for the tax benefits. Anything is possible! But now you have an idea. And could do something like...

Mai sighs and squeezes her eyes shut, as though that would do anything to block out the earsplitting music drilling into her head. It doesn't work.

"Isn't this fun!" exclaims Montana, her oh-so-stupid best friend. Mai sighs again. If she'd had her way, she wouldn't have even come, but Montana insisted on the grounds that Mai was doing nothing but mope around after Kevin broke up with her. It wasn't a completely baseless claim. Still, she'd prefer to mope at home than over here. Montana nudges Mai. "And... you know... this is a great place to find a new boyfriend. Or girlfriend, you bi disaster. Everyone here loves music as much as you do."

They all loved music, but did they value their alone time as much? She thinks not.

"I don't want to, Montana."

"Come on, Mai. You need to get over him already."

Mai rolls her eyes. "Montana, I despise you." Before Montana can reply you too, as she always does, she taps the shoulder of the guy in front of her. "Wanna date?" she asks flatly. There's no way he'll say yes, no way-

Aaaaaand, he says yes.

And now, you have an idea, disguised as a fanfiction from the actually-not-that-good book I just had to read for book club. If you don't like the idea, follow the process and think of a new one. Thanks, Maine. Thanks, lead singer's girlfriend from thirteen years ago. Thanks, whoever introduced me to this band.

Method three: Ask "what if?"

Here, I'll start: What if the tip above isn't working for you? First of all, how dare you not like my tip. That's the best way to write. I'm so offended. But please, don't bring out the guillotines. I have more tips. And this one is, if you can read... ask "what if?" It's most useful for dystopian/sci fi, but you can definitely make it very useful in historical fiction/alternate history or fanfiction.

For Break The Rules, I asked What would have happened if Marella manifested earlier, got banished to Exillium, and met Tam and Linh? And then the gay revolution happened.

With some more well known fandoms, you can ask things like... What if Harry was sorted into Slytherin? What if Gale volunteered for the games along with Katniss? What if Edward and Jacob were gay for each other?

The answer to the last one is, I would be a hell of a lot more likely to read Twilight. But basically, ask What if [canon event] happened differently? And go from there. Historical fiction is the same, but [historical event] instead of [canon event].

With sci fi, you can have a lot more fun. Go crazy. Stay within the basic realm of scientific possibility and ask this question. Think of societal consequences.

What if scientists found a way to ...? What if ... was caused by [aliens, time travel, take your pick]. What if the future looks like xyz because of xyz?

For example... what if scientists found a way to bring people back from the dead? They would probably pick and choose historical figures they thought would be of most use to us. This seems really cool, right? Maybe we'd get RBG back! (Starts sobbing and shoving ice cream into my mouth) Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase?

Okay. RBG aside, this would probably have some negative effects. Find those negative effects. Expand on them. Make everyone suffer.

"Breaking news!" announces the reporter. "Scientists have brought Christopher Columbus back to life!" The camera zooms to a Arawak girl beating the hell out of a man we can only assume is Columbus.

"Take that, you racist, colonialist, mysoginistic, genocidal garbage!" she shrieks, bringing her baseball bat over his head. And garbage he is. Not the salvageable kind either. I watch a few more minutes, then shut off the TV. This isn't going to end well, I think.

It doesn't. Well, it goes well for a while- bringing back good historical figures, people who died defending others, who were wrongfully convicted and given the death sentence. But Reliving is expensive, and for personal use, it's a privilege only the very rich can afford. Not only do they afford it, they overuse it. They do reckless things, jump off of buildings and light themselves on fire because they'll be okay afterwards. This saps resources from other medical fields, so if you're sick and can't afford the best care, you die. And you can't come back to life. The rich sap Reliving from poor people who need to use it on family members who were murdered, who the entire family depended on financially, kids who died too young.

None of it matters to them. So they keep on dying and Reliving, while we suffer.

And we won't stand for it anymore. I won't. The Relive Rebellion is going to fight back. With guillotines.

Guillotines are awesome. That being said, please don't use them on me.

Method four: Procrastinate the plot

Plot? Pfft. Who needs plot?

Well. Writers need plot.

But we all love procrastination, right! Procrastination is fun. See? I shouldn't be guillotined! It's all good. So, since plots are hard to come up with, we'll put them off. In the way I typically break up writing, there are two other components: Characters and worldbuilding. Work on those first! If you have no idea how to, I'll have chapters on that stuff later. Much later. Because I procrastinate, and everything is later.

So. This character thing. You can go two ways with this; canon characters for fanfiction or OCs, for both fanfiction and original fiction.

For canon characters; analyze them. Analyze them, analyze them, analyze them. Analyze them until they consume your every waking thought and half of your personality has been projected onto theirs. Get to know them better than the author knows them. Understand their history, goals, relationships, fears. If there isn't enough canon information about them, make it up. I don't know how to emphasize this more. Analyze.

Then write a character analysis with some obstacles thrown in there to disguise it as a story.

For example, readers of KOTLC. We all know I have an unhealthy obsession with Biana Vacker. Like, really unhealthy. I get why homosexuality used to be classified as a disease. But anyway. She consumes the waking thoughts. She has absorbed the projections. She has been analyzed.

For Swan Song, which seems like a million years ago, I chose her for the short story. Then, I analyzed. I knew a big part of her history was her brother's betrayal, as was the Vacker Legacy. She also canonically turns invisible, which is clearly a metaphor for how she feels invisible. Then, I took these things and threw them together into a mess of a oneshot. You're welcome.

Original characters are more complicated, but you essentially do the same thing. Except for one key factor: You're in charge. You don't have to comply with canon because canon doesn't exist. You get to build your character's history, hopes, fears, clearly metaphorical magic powers. Then do the same thing- throw in obstacles and pretend it's a story instead of character analyses and projection and metaphors all hidden in a trenchcoat.

Worldbuilding? Build a world. Then make horrible things happen to your world.

That's it. That's the advice.

This doesn't apply to fanfiction quite as much, since most worlds are already built, but you can do this if you're working on an AU. For example, soulmate AUs are pretty common in the fanfiction world. And my example will be Wolfstar (from Harry Potter) because I am trash.

I mean, I'm garbage. In the salvageable sense.

So in a soulmate AU world, which has clearly been planned and built to perfection, the worst thing that can happen is someone not having a soulmate and being destined for loneliness. Obviously, that would happen to both Sirius and Remus. But then, they find love despite the odds and boom! You have your forbidden gay fantasy romance right here.

Just figure out what would destroy your world, or what about your world's society could hurt someone who didn't fit the norm. Then make it happen.

Hint: Guillotines.

Method five: Writing prompts

Google "writing prompts." Read a list. Pray.

Method six: Adopt a plot

There are some places online (like the NaNoWriMo forums) where you can find a detailed explanation of a plot by someone who can't find the time to write it. You don't have to come up with anything if you adopt one of those. All you have to do is write.

Method seven: Make a deal with Satan.

Self explanatory.

Don't ask me how to summon the devil. I'm Jewish. I know nothing about Christian theology. But once you summon Satan, make that deal! Sell your soul! Go to hell! At least you'll have a good book.

And guillotines. Always guillotines.

Well, that concludes our chapter! I update every Monday with tips, complaints, and incoherent ramblings. If you have any specific topics you want me to ramble about, let me know in the reviews. Your request might even be granted!

Speaking of which, I love reviews. Follows and favorites probably indicate that you liked it, but reviews really let me know what you liked, what didn't work as well, and gives me the opportunity to find a new friend who is secretly plotting to murder me in my sleep.

Happy writing!